To think that my partner should attend birth?

[Allthatglittersisntart]

My DP doesn’t want to be in the room for birth as he thinks this puts men off women physically and he doesn't want to witness the pain. He is not from a western culture and back home only
women have anything to do with birth. However, he is the only person I want in the room.

I suppose a risk is that he could have a seizure, which he occasionally gets and seem to be triggered by stress/anger/strong emotion but he does seem to be able to control/predict to an extent(never had one during interview , exam, gym for example).

Sadly you’ve picked a dud for a boyfriend. Him refusing to do something because it could impact your fuckability for him says all you need to know about him and how he views women.

He does want to be involved with parenting and playing with his child. I am not sure about nappies!

We wouldn't want to put him at any risk now would we?
I mean it's not like women's lives are all at risk giving birth either it??
In other words he needs to man up, yes giving birth isn't pretty, but you need his support. He's being tremendously selfish & isn't thinking about you at all during one of the most hardest things you will probably ever experience.

Hmm. If he has seizures if he gets angry does that mean you modify your behaviour to avoid making him angry?

I should put in DP’s defence that I did a google search , as hadn't told anyone and didn't know what was normal, when we first discussed this early on and this came up which put the ‘attraction’ idea in his head. I later found out the doctor in question is a French misogynist:
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2009/oct/18/men-birth-labour-baby
He can cope without sex. He just seized on it as a possible reason the divorce rate is so high here.
He is not a definite no, more ‘let’s see on the day’/‘discuss nearer the time’ and ‘will be there if needed’(in emergency) which is not reassuring for me.
Interesting opinion is so polarised on this and I agree no point forcing DP, but would like persuasive arguments!

I wouldn't able to respect such a pathetic excuse of a man tbh.
Good luck op, I think you'll need it.

Why? Why would you let him impregnate you if you're not sure he's the kind of man who would change a baby's nappy FFS?!

It’s not that bloody hard- it’s much harder having the baby than supporting the woman giving birth.

I’d have been furious if my husband hadn’t been there in case it put him off sex. I can tell you know the post natal period wasn’t exactly an attractive one either. I had one difficult birth and one easy one. For the easy one, it was lovely to share a life changing experience together. For the hard one, I needed an advocate and would have been incredibly let down if he wasn’t there. I was in labour for 3 days, had so many interventions and was in pain. Weirdly the thing that gave him a wobble was me getting the epidural rather than any of the bloody stuff.

What else does he sees as only the women folk should do? What will be his involvement with his child? Or is this also ‘what women do’

dh was great in the ward in early labour, but I can barely remember him being there in the delivery suite as I think he held back/deferred to the midwives (who were great).

But he came into his own again after as I was a mess (EMCS under GA) and was in hospital for 5 days days! He helped me shower in the ward, nurses told me to remove my wound dressing in the shower which I was squeamish about so he did, he changed ds's disgusting tarry first nappy, was attentive and supportive as I cried through trying to bf, changed blood soaked sheets - none on it particularly sexy!

I honestly would have lost all respect for him if he wasn't present and supportive through it all. A man who you couldn't trust to be there when you needed them the most.

Time to tell him you expect him to step up for you, no excuses. If he finds you going through that puts him off you, instead of amazes him what you are capable of, then it doesn't matter as you will be put off him too!

Er, he put the child there! It is his absolute duty if it’s what the mother wants. Zero discussion. Nobody else is under any obligation but the father certainly is!

WTAF

What if YOU decided you were unsure about nappies? Would the baby just fester in its own shit?

OP buckle in because if you accept this behaviour the next few years will be miserable

Meh I'd be annoyed at the physically attractive comment but having a partner with you when you give birth I can do without tbh.
I've had 6.children and no Dad with me for 3 of those labours.
No.1 I had my Mum and she was.more.worried about the fact I was swearing than anything else.
No2. The Dad was there and definitely more of a hindrance than help, telling the midwives I didn't want anything other than TENS and Gas and Air when I definitely wanted more. I ended up getting so annoyed I threw the mask at him.
No.3 preemie, on my own, bit scary but I was.much more in control of my own needs. Told them not to call him until I was ready to push. He got there literally just after I'd given birth.
No4 on my own start to finish, again I could just concentrate on my needs and not some man that didn't understand how I was feeling.
No5 new partner and the Dad was there, he knew I knew what my body was doing and he did exactly what I wanted, which tbh was just sit in a chair and wait until I was ready to push
No6 home birth, and again he just had to listen to what I wanted.

My DH wasn’t in the room for our first (he was nearby), he made it clear from the outset that he knew I would be going through a lot of pain etc. and that he couldn’t witness it knowing he was responsible. He was forced to be present for a little while by a bullying midwife and we both had to have counselling for the PTSD we both had following a total screw up by the “team” (he was worse off than me as I wasn’t aware I’d crashed).
With our second (which was very delayed due to his reluctance to risk losing me) he had the great excuse that he needed to look after our first child. I was absolutely fine with just me and the midwife, didn’t have to worry about him and got on with my job.
I seriously don’t see that having him there would have helped TBH.
And before anyone goes on about “bonding with his child” he did just fine bonding with them without seeing “the person I love more than anything in the world in pain because of me” (his words).

So he's not going to do anything that 'the women do' once the baby is born too then?

Good luck OP. The man is a sexist prick who will treat you like his skivvy.

Posted before seeing this.

You are in for a world of pain op.

Your updates get worse and worse. It's easy to be the doting, servient wife when you have no kids. So easy.

It will suddenly be 100 times harder when that baby comes and you will have so much to do and you realise he values your life and wants and needs less because you have a vagina.

Oh dear, op.

Things might be especially difficult if you need an emergency c section or have other birth injuries - I really hope you don't obviously but get some help lined up eg your mum.

I really couldn't be attracted to a man like this.

If that is his attitude for giving birth, I doubt he will be real help after the baby is born as he sees everything as woman's job.

As an ex midwife , a lot of men are absolutely useless during labour , and cause more stress to the mother.

Jesus Christ. What on earth are you thinking? How can you possibly have married
someone so revolting.

Yuck. The birth is not your issue here, raising a child with someone that thinks like this is. The poor child.

I felt that my labours with my children brought me and my husband closer together. He gained an appreciation for me bringing them into the world and was there for me in my hour of need. Marriage is in sickness and health, for good times and bad. He doesn't just get to show up for the parts he finds fun and exciting. If you want him there he should be there.

Personally I’d be ‘if you think supporting me to give birth to our child would put you off me sexually let me make it easier for you. Your NOT supporting me to give birth to our child because all you can think about is having sex will completely totally put me off you sexually, probably forever.’

Well, he better be in the waiting room at least, it would be completely unacceptable if it was just another day for him. Btw do his "cultural values" manifest themselves in other ways ?

He sounds like a complete idiot.