To think that my partner should attend birth?

[Allthatglittersisntart]

My DP doesn’t want to be in the room for birth as he thinks this puts men off women physically and he doesn't want to witness the pain. He is not from a western culture and back home only
women have anything to do with birth. However, he is the only person I want in the room.

I suppose a risk is that he could have a seizure, which he occasionally gets and seem to be triggered by stress/anger/strong emotion but he does seem to be able to control/predict to an extent(never had one during interview , exam, gym for example).

Whilst my husband was present for the birth of both of our children, I'm not sure I'm totally on board with the modern way of birth with the respect that that father 'has' to be there.

I do think giving birth is absolutely women's business, I don't want a male obstetrician (I did in fact have one on duty with my first birth who just popped his head in the door to say if I didn't push that baby out, he was coming back with forceps, my response? 'Well you can fuck off then', I guess it did the job as DS was born about 10 minutes later), I don't want a male midwife.

DH wanted to be there for the birth of our children, but if he hadn't it would have made sod-all difference. I was very much into 'giving birth' during both of my labours and he was just an observer.

Do you have someone else that can be with you if you feel the need for a birthing partner?

My husband is a great hubby and dad but he was absolutely awful when I was in labour. Neither time could be described as his finest hour and I know he is actually really ashamed of how he behaved. It caused a lot of resentment and I have moments of bitterness when I remember how he let his discomfort during the process be the focal point of the event. We live far from family and so when I was pregnant with our third, I opted for a CS, partly due to the fact that I knew he would be my only option as birth partner. He was actually great during that process.

I've since realised that not everyone is cut out for being present at the birth, even if it's their own child. It's sad but true. You can't make somebody be able to cope during that scenario. Childbirth is really hard core for everyone involved. If he is telling you that he is going to be useless in advance, believe him! I think it will do more damage to see him in action during the most vulnerable time of your life than not having to be subjected to it.

I sometimes remember some of the expressions on my husband's face when I was in labour and it upsets me still. A midwife later told me that not all men can handle it. Mine couldn't anyway, and yet in every other way he is great! We've been together over a decade and childbirth brought out a new side to him that I'd never seen before.

It's depressing but find someone else.

Mine was a waste of oxygen. I’d far rather he hadn’t been there.

My cousin was so traumatised by the birth of his son and what his wife went through he refused to have any more children, even though his wife was willing.

This

It would be a deal breaker for me. If he can't support you at this time then he's always going to put himself first.

I feel sorry for you that you will be tied to him.

Ah.. then yes I can see why that is deserving of... the look!

Do men have anything to do with childcare/domestic duties/mental load 'back home'?

What are his views on those?

He participated in putting a baby in there, so he can participate in getting it out. That's my "man" view on the issue. 🙃

We are all socialised to think in certain ways. Many of us discard much of those cultural scripts.

My thoroughly western husband also didn’t want to attend the birth, because he’d supported me through 5 miscarriages and thought he would be utterly useless in the face of pain he was powerless to alleviate.

i asked my Mum to be my birth partner, and this left him the option to be there or not, depending on how things went. When it came down to it, he got completely caught up in it and you’d have had to prise him out of the delivery room with heavy machinery.

I was OK with this because I wanted him to have a positive experience of the birth as well, instead of a potentially more traumatic one. We’d had enough of those already. I knew that Mum would be a fantastic birth partner and wasn’t prepared to risk DH not being able to cope at a critical moment.

You can try to force the issue, but if there’s a risk of him flaking on the day, even due to something as uncontrollable as a seizure rather than personal choice, I’d be looking to find a second birth partner who could go the distance so I wasn’t left in the lurch.

If he’s telling you he’s worried about it and doesn’t want to be then then I don’t understand why you wouldn’t listen to him. You might be disappointed that he doesn’t want to, but not wanting to see your partner in extreme pain when there is little you can do to help and wanting to avoid seeing the blood and trauma associated with childbirth has no reflection on how he will be as a father and is a reasonable way to feel.

Most people on here wouldn’t dream of making a woman give birth vaginally if they didn’t want to and a safe c section was available and it’s as close to the same thing as we can get. Men shouldn’t be made to feel like they’re wrong for not wanting to watch childbirth, especially when they have been brought up with the belief that it’s not the done thing.

If his culture doesn't see this as normal I would be more worried that he will avoid childcare and all sorts of other things based on "his culture". Huge red flags.

My now exh was at the birth of our first child.

It was a fairly newish thing at that time and I think he thought he was being 'up to date' but tbh I was pretty oblivious to his presence during the whole process as I was more concerned with getting the baby out than what my husband was doing.

Attending the birth didn't end up making him some sort of 'super dad'. He never showed much love for our son, mostly just irritation. One of the many reasons we are divorced.

He wasn't at the birth of our second and third children and I much preferred it that way.

I told DH that he was there for the conception, so it was only right he was there for the birth.

See my DC’s dad has many flaws, but he was the perfect birth partner. He advocated for me when I wanted pain relief, he stayed quiet unless I needed him and he stayed at the head end and only ‘had a look’ after I said he could. It’s really not hard to be that way - just put your OH first for a few hours when they’re in agony and need you to advocate for them when they are unable to

Tell him you're worried it 'puts women off men' when they can't put themselves out to give the bare minimum of support while the MOTHER OF THEIR CHILD is going through an agonizing and life changing event, bringing a baby into the world.

Let me tell you from experience, if you do not have his full support at this time, you can't expect his support postpartum. And you WILL end up resenting him.

I agree with this ^^ but suggest you might ask A.N.Other to be your handhold whilst baby’s father lurks elsewhere for some of it. Is that possible?

I give birth alone. Just wanted to “get on with it.” Worked for me really well. No regrets.

Not being able to cope with pain and blood: pretty pathetic but I could just about live with it.

Not wanting to be there because it would put him off his partner sexually: disgusting and sexist behaviour I would not forgive.

Sounds like he was there, though, wasn't he? Wasn't too cowardly to show up. Didn't say "men don't really do that" or some such nonsense. Didn't say "I'm worried I won't be attracted to you after this". Didn't ask to stay at the head end.

Your mate is fine. Not comparable to op's dp.

It's very disappointing but if he hasn't got it, he hasn't got it. I wouldn't push it not because you don't deserve it but because he sounds like he knows he'll be useless.

So watching the birth would put him off sex. How will he respond if you don't feel like sex while you are up every night tending to the baby? Will he be expecting to shove it in anyway?
I trust you will be insisting on him doing a fair share of nappy changing.

My DH was originally very nervous about attending the birth of our first baby back in 1995. He wanted to, but was apprehensive about it.

I made it clear that he was under no pressure from me to be in the room if he really couldn't face it. His choice. It was true, giving birth with just the midwives and the doctors didn't really bother me.

In the end he did stay and he was very good. He was at the births of all three of our children and he was fine.

I don't regret giving him the choice at all, although I am sure some out there will be along to tell me I shouldn't have done that. I'm glad I did and it worked for us. I was happy for him to be there, but not too bothered if he wasn't provided that he wasn't far away.

YABU to think that a man with his attitude should be anywhere near a woman in labour. My DH is usually supportive and was there but he was a bit useless tbh. I'm sure some men are more helpful but I don't think the current tendency to assume men will be at the birth is necessarily best. It seems to me that there is a risk of prioritising the man's apparent "right" to witness the birth of his child over the woman's need to have the best support possible. In most cases women who have already given birth are much better birth partners than men who never have and never will.

He doesn't want to be there, so find someone else (your mum, sister, close female friend, or a doula). They'll be a million times better than he would.

You need to accept that this is the man you chose to have a child with.

What are his views on parenting? Is that your job or does he intend to be involved after the birth? I'd say it's not the end of the world for him to miss the birth if he intends to be an active parent afterwards.

You just need to have a conversation with him where you explain how it is a part of culture here and so if he does not attend the birth he will really have missed out. Most men he meets who have families here will have attended the births of their children. And most of them will have found it a very rewarding experience, if sometimes difficult and frightening. Does he really want to be left behind in this? It may be something he comes to regret and it won't be something he can go back and change. It's a once in a lifetime event.
Not to mention that it's important to see what you go through as a mother and bonding for you both to go through some of that together.

he thinks this puts men off women physically and he doesn't want to witness the pain.

This is an enormous ick for me.

It would put me off HIM physically.