Mum STILL self-isolating

[Mumofteens4892]

My 70yr old mum has chronic asthma and is still self isolating from COVID. I'm actually pissed off that she's not coming for Christmas for the 4th xmas in a row. She lives on her own. She lives 5 miles away and we never see her.

AIBU to be utterly fed up?

Her immune system will no doubt pick up any bug going, after so long not going in shops or seeing anyone at all, so she has a good point, and it would be awful if she caught something from us at xmas, but where do we go from here?

She needs help ASAP. I feel for people like this / I think this is agoraphobia/ocd/health anxiety

It's difficult. DH and I both had to shield. But, we didn't hide after it seemed to be over.

DH had all the vaccines (plus the Pneumonia and flu one) but died of Covid, plus Pneumonia complications, last April.

I don't know if mixing again caused it.

If she will go to the dentist and hairdresser she would presumably also go to the opticians if her vision was so bad she couldn't see her online shop order / the TV / reading materials properly. Presumably her glasses are a bit out but not to the extent it is causing her a problem.

SHE might be but she is trashing her relationship with her entire family and imposing ridiculous limitations on her friends.
OP as kind as it is to offer to 'meet half way' and test etc, this will only drag out the problem and validate the behaviour. It is terribly terribly sad and I really feel for you.

My PiL are similar. They minimise going out to places other than a countryside walk. They'll go to the supermarket first thing when it opens once a week, because the only thing scarier than Covid to them, is putting their bank details into a laptop.

Both had really full lives 4 years ago.

They live a couple of hundred miles away. For a while we could visit but meet them in the park in their village. Last Christmas we were allowed to stay, but inky because the dc finished school a week before Christmas and could isolate for a few days before going down.

I think a lot depends on why she is still doing it.
Does she actually like people generally or is this an excuse to not to meet up or do things? She might even prefer her life that way.

Has she become agoraphobic after the initial warnings and laws that made us all stay at home?

If she needs opticians etc though, she should definitely go!

OP is seeing her now and then for coffee though. I appreciate that she is only 5 miles away but a lot of people don't see their parents more than that anyway. Perhaps she has been enjoying the last few Christmases by herself and and while the ten days isolation seems over the top before going on holiday perhaps her friend didn't see people much anyway. I'm sure she wouldn't have done it if she didn't want to. Not everyone is sociable. I don't think my grandfather mixed much more than that 30 years ago. He just didn't want to.

@Mumofteens4892 your mum is going to be very lonely for the rest of her life!! covid is here to stay and it wont disappear! she cannot go into hiding forever and needs to just go for it and get out the house!

There are a lot of posters though who think that the OP's mother is being entirely reasonable and is living in a perfectly normal way.

I'm sorry Zebedee 💐

What is "normal" and do people have to be "normal". As long as they are happy with their life what has it got to do with anyone else?

I agree and I don't fit "normal" in many ways.

But I accept the consequences of my choices. The obvious consequence here is that when OP mum needs help, OP might not want to give it, because her mum didn't prioritise her....but went to a holiday cottage!

we can only assume OP mum is okay with this.

I'm really sorry to hear that @witchypaws . My DM has rheumatoid arthritis and is treated with a biologic and methotrexate which means she's immunosuppressed. She's also 80. She was lucky the AVs worked for her - she made the decision to get on with her life after lockdown because the alternative was what the OP is describing. As i think we've all experienced Covid doesn't appear to affect everyone the same and even people considered high risk like my mum seem to be relatively unscathed, but others get floored by it. I'm sorry that you've been so ill and hope you are better soon.

Sorry for your loss Zebedee 💐

What do you mean when OP's mums needs help? She is only 70 and presumably manages without OP's help perfectly okay.

I'm 2 decades younger than your mother op and had no underlying conditions, caught COVID last year, being vaxed didn't stop me getting myocarditis and liver not working, thankfully am better now but still some heart pain, covid is not the same for everyone so I understand her fear

Right, fast forward 15 years... and my mum is considered to be quite good for 85 but needs lots of help.

This is not necessarily the case. Lots of people are ready to die, rather than live a very restricted life.

That doesn't mean OPs mum will be 85 one day needing help or that she will want it from OP. My parents are that age and don't require help and many people don't even live that long.

I think the lockdowns have caused immense damage the extent of which is still unknown and is not being addressed. I notice behavioural changes in people who were previously quite relaxed who now avoid busy places 'because of germs' and obsess with handwashing and sanitising. It is so sad that older people are cutting themselves off from friends and family and missing out on life because they are still living in fear, especially given what we are hearing the Covid inquiry.

It sounds like she may have agoraphobia? No t uncommon in her age group. How does she seem mentally? Does she see you at all?

I agree with everything this poster says .

Absolutely, your mum needs encouraging to rejoin the 'real world' but Christmas isn't the time to do it. I get that instinctively you see Christmas as family time - but as well as all the other winter bugs circulating, it's a time of year when your family is likely to have been mixing more than at other times with all the usual pre-Christmas meet ups.

I think the idea of encouragement throughout the year, particularly during the summer and hopefully building up to Christmas dinner next year .

I was merely suggesting it as a possibility. You seem quite ...offended...by this mere suggestion.

OP, I hope you are okay 💐

If my child was happy for me to be infected with a level 3 biohazard pathogen, then despite the protestations of most posters here, I’d be happy for the relationship to slide and wonder what I did wrong to raise such an uncaring, ignorant and selfish human. Good luck to all the covid inhalers happy to spread disease and mayhem. You’ll need it!

Good luck to all the covid inhalers happy to spread disease and mayhem. You’ll need it!

WTAF