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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask my DH to sleep in the caravan when he works these shifts?

362 replies

CaraVann · 29/11/2023 09:01

As a part of (but not compulsory) DH’s job he does the Winter gritting.

The shift patterns are one week on, one off. It starts in October through to late March, sometimes April. They usually don’t start actually gritting until this time of year where we live (SE).

Tbh, it does brings in a good amount of extra income which at anytime is welcome but particularly during this COL crisis.

However, I find it really disruptive.

The times of the shifts change frequently depending on when the frosts/snows are due. Sometimes it could be from say 3pm-7pm and then back again 2-6am the same day or (the best shifts) 7-11pm.

This week has been particularly frosty here so he has been working double shifts - 2-6pm and 2-6am. He will get the next day off work to sleep.

However, the rest of us in the family (myself, DS18 and DD15) do not get the benefit of a lie in. Instead we have a disturbed nights sleep. For the dc this is mainly because our rescue dog (we’ve had him a year), who normally sleeps through will bark the house down when Dh leaves/returns (doesn’t matter which part of the house we put him in, he’s on high alert for ‘intruders’).

DC and dogs aside it wakes me regardless. I’m a light sleeper anyhow but once I’ve been woken that’s it, I’m awake.
We have a spare bedroom but it’s under our bedroom and I’d still hear him creeping about and the dog will still bark so I’d wake anyhow.
Last night I had 3 hours, broken, sleep. I (and the kids) are shattered. Dd has missed her bus to school because we overslept once we got back to sleep.
We are all grouchy and miserable this morning.

This is the AIBU part. We have our touring caravan stored at the bottom of our garden. I’ve suggested to Dh that he sleeps in there during these middle of the night shifts but he’s reluctant. Not because of the actual caravan as it’s lovely with a fixed bed, an en-suite shower room and very warm heater but because a) it would mean leaving his car out on the side road to save coming through the house as we have no side path/entrance (10 year old car, nothing special) and because the caravan will cost a lot to heat.

Who is BU though?

Dc and I really appreciate DH working these crap shifts (although he says he actually enjoys being out on the road at night with heater and radio on and wouldn’t give it up even if I earned more money) but it really affects our lives.
DS has work, DD has mocks and I work part time and care for my dm who has Alzheimer’s. I also have a chronic health condition which is affected by lack of sleep. I have to care for my mum
today and then I have a hospital appointment but all I want to do is crawl back into bed.

What would you suggested in our situation?

OP posts:
SoySaucePls · 29/11/2023 11:46

Can no one read???

OP said the whole house is waking up. Three people are exhausted.

Her DH LOVES gritting and would do it anyway even if she earned extra money to cover it.

Then he gets to sleep the next day and recover.

All you femme fatales swooning over DH being a “hero” when he has a fairly cushty number is not very MN.

How quickly old patriarchal norms arise.

His sleep is distriburbed one night while he is “heroing” but the rest of the family are shattered.

He gets to recover the next day. Everyone else on automatic and shattered.

OP has tinnitus and can’t use earplugs.

OP your dog is the problem and if you lived next to me I wouldn’t be happy.

A dog barking at 2am through the winter would drive me crazy because I am a sensitive sleeper and I would more than likely hear it and it would wake me also.

There is something called dog CBD which is a relaxant. I would give this to the dog on the nights your DH works.

The Asher House with over 1 million followers uses CBD with all his dogs and he’s a well loved rescuer with a lot of funding.

If you solve the dog problem you solve all the problems.

minipie · 29/11/2023 11:47

Why can’t the dog go in the caravan as pp suggested?

minipie · 29/11/2023 11:47

With a family member if the dog would feel upset by that.

Frasers · 29/11/2023 11:48

mydogisthebest · 29/11/2023 11:44

Why should the dog, who is doing what dogs are meant to do, be put in the caravan.

I do wish the dog haters would piss off

As long as the op goes in with the dog, brings the dog bed in, and it is as warm as she says, the dog will be fine. Putting the dog in alone would be wrong.

but her and the dog sleeping in there means the kids aren’t disturbed by barking, and they all ger a good nights sleep as she seems a light sleeper.

clearly though, she doesn’t want to sleep in the caravan, so it’s obviously not as great as she’s making out.

caterpilat · 29/11/2023 11:49

CaraVann · 29/11/2023 09:25

I’d sleep in the caravan but as it’s disturbing mine and dc sleep it would be a bit cramped all 3 of us in there!
DH chooses to do these hours, they are not compulsory, he likes to do them as he gets the next day off.
I don’t! I still have to work the next day and care for my mum.
Going by some of the replies you’d think dh was the only worker. DS and I still have to work. Dd still has school.
Ear plugs may work for the DC but I have tinnitus and they exacerbate the issue, my ent consultant has advised me against them.

Then your children can wear ear plugs and you can go sleep in the caravan.
Or you and the dog go sleep in the caravan.

The extra income isn't compulsory but I bet you all benefit from it greatly.

Your all work but your husband does extra hours.

You seem like hardwork and quite unkind to be honest.

KvotheTheBloodless · 29/11/2023 11:50

StandByMode · 29/11/2023 09:28

Perfectly reasonable. He enjoys his work, has said he wouldn't stop the shifts even if you didn't need the money. Everyone's sleep is wrecked. Option 1 caravan. Option 2 no shifts. Option 3 rehome dog

Why does his choice get to disturb everyone else? Op has said even without the dog, she's still disturbed and it sounds like she has a full plate to deal with - sick mother, poor health, job. He's not a god just because he's earning money.

This. There aren't any other reasonable options.

BalloonSalesperson · 29/11/2023 11:50

Why should the dog, who is doing what dogs are meant to do, be put in the caravan

Why should the husband, who isn't doing the barking, be put in the caravan?

caterpilat · 29/11/2023 11:51

BalloonSalesperson · 29/11/2023 11:50

Why should the dog, who is doing what dogs are meant to do, be put in the caravan

Why should the husband, who isn't doing the barking, be put in the caravan?

This !!

Frasers · 29/11/2023 11:52

SoySaucePls · 29/11/2023 11:46

Can no one read???

OP said the whole house is waking up. Three people are exhausted.

Her DH LOVES gritting and would do it anyway even if she earned extra money to cover it.

Then he gets to sleep the next day and recover.

All you femme fatales swooning over DH being a “hero” when he has a fairly cushty number is not very MN.

How quickly old patriarchal norms arise.

His sleep is distriburbed one night while he is “heroing” but the rest of the family are shattered.

He gets to recover the next day. Everyone else on automatic and shattered.

OP has tinnitus and can’t use earplugs.

OP your dog is the problem and if you lived next to me I wouldn’t be happy.

A dog barking at 2am through the winter would drive me crazy because I am a sensitive sleeper and I would more than likely hear it and it would wake me also.

There is something called dog CBD which is a relaxant. I would give this to the dog on the nights your DH works.

The Asher House with over 1 million followers uses CBD with all his dogs and he’s a well loved rescuer with a lot of funding.

If you solve the dog problem you solve all the problems.

We can all read, clearly. No need to attack, the fact he loves it, doesn’t change the fact she says they need the money, she doesn’t earn enough to cover it so it’s moot. And working night shift is hard graft. Even if you like it.

the answer is very simple. The op and dog go in caravan. Kids wear ear plugs, everyone happy.

oh wait, not unless sleeping in the caravan is a bit shit…

WellWellSaidTheRockingChair · 29/11/2023 11:53

Could your husband take the dog to work with him? Keep him company in the gritter?

LeaderBee · 29/11/2023 11:54

The kids don't even need earplugs if it's the dog waking them up and OP and the dog are sleeping in the Caravan - Seems the most obvious answer, really.

OwlBasket · 29/11/2023 11:54

@CaraVann TBH I think DP sleeping in the caravan is a totally logical solution for everyone. I’m sorry you’re getting such a hammering, it’s ridiculous 🤷‍♀️

PPs suggestion of DP taking Ddog out with him is maybe a good one. Would be open to that? It might solve things.

Good luck, you have my sympathy 💐

LeaderBee · 29/11/2023 11:55

OwlBasket · 29/11/2023 11:54

@CaraVann TBH I think DP sleeping in the caravan is a totally logical solution for everyone. I’m sorry you’re getting such a hammering, it’s ridiculous 🤷‍♀️

PPs suggestion of DP taking Ddog out with him is maybe a good one. Would be open to that? It might solve things.

Good luck, you have my sympathy 💐

Why isn't OP and the dog sleeping in the caravan the better solution?

SoySaucePls · 29/11/2023 11:57

Frasers · 29/11/2023 11:52

We can all read, clearly. No need to attack, the fact he loves it, doesn’t change the fact she says they need the money, she doesn’t earn enough to cover it so it’s moot. And working night shift is hard graft. Even if you like it.

the answer is very simple. The op and dog go in caravan. Kids wear ear plugs, everyone happy.

oh wait, not unless sleeping in the caravan is a bit shit…

He’s getting a day to recover from his work. She’s doesn’t.

Just because he’s out working nights and doing “manly” things gritting the roads doesn’t mean to say that this work has any more value over OP’s work where she is caring for her sick mother.

That work caring for someone comes with emotional exhaustion and sadness. It’s very hard to look after a parent with Alzheimer’s. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

No wonder OP doesn’t sleep well.

OwlBasket · 29/11/2023 11:57

@LeaderBee Because it’s not her choice to work crazy shifts and she’d be perfectly happy for him not too?!

Brefugee · 29/11/2023 11:57

Aposterhasnoname · 29/11/2023 09:03

Why don’t you sleep in the caravan if it’s so comfy?

I like this option

Mikimoto · 29/11/2023 11:57

WellWellSaidTheRockingChair · 29/11/2023 11:53

Could your husband take the dog to work with him? Keep him company in the gritter?

Could the husband take OP to work with him? Keep him company in the gritter?
And she could see what it's like doing a second shift of work at 2 a.m.

Brefugee · 29/11/2023 11:58

TheDuck2018 · 29/11/2023 09:15

Why don’t you sleep in the caravan if it’s so comfy?

Literally what I was coming on to say.
What is the point in working extra shifts to earn more money if you're just going to spend it on hearing a caravan?

And potentially have to spend 20 minutes de-icing his car

Frasers · 29/11/2023 11:59

OwlBasket · 29/11/2023 11:57

@LeaderBee Because it’s not her choice to work crazy shifts and she’d be perfectly happy for him not too?!

Where does she say that, she states she’s very appreciative of the money that they need it due to col?

OwlBasket · 29/11/2023 11:59

The DP doesn’t HAVE to do the crazy shifts. He WANTS to. If it were an obligatory part of his work the of course OP and dog would need to be the ones to sleep out.

Frasers · 29/11/2023 11:59

SoySaucePls · 29/11/2023 11:57

He’s getting a day to recover from his work. She’s doesn’t.

Just because he’s out working nights and doing “manly” things gritting the roads doesn’t mean to say that this work has any more value over OP’s work where she is caring for her sick mother.

That work caring for someone comes with emotional exhaustion and sadness. It’s very hard to look after a parent with Alzheimer’s. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

No wonder OP doesn’t sleep well.

I’m not sure how to respond, you seem really angry. So I am going to not engage further, hope you get whatever is going on sorted

Erdinger · 29/11/2023 12:04

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 29/11/2023 09:25

Put the dog in the caravan.

Best suggestion . Barking dog sleeps in caravan.

SoySaucePls · 29/11/2023 12:04

Frasers · 29/11/2023 11:59

I’m not sure how to respond, you seem really angry. So I am going to not engage further, hope you get whatever is going on sorted

You are projecting. Tone of text can be read in any way.

Im not angry at all I’ve just made a logical argument…

OwlBasket · 29/11/2023 12:05

Frasers · 29/11/2023 11:59

Where does she say that, she states she’s very appreciative of the money that they need it due to col?

You’re right, having re-read the OPs posts she doesn’t literally say she’d be perfectly happy for him not to take the shifts. That was just my reading of things, apparently.

@CaraVann would you be perfectly happy for him not to take the shifts?

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/11/2023 12:06

Have the dog in the bedroom with you. When it starts barking, go to the window, look outside, say thank you. The dog most likely will stop as they’ve alerted you to something and you have responded - dog psychology. Do that a few times and you may then get to thank you without moving out of bed. Then get to shushing the dog. This is what I did with my dogs. Admittedly not rescue.

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