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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh works all the time - Ruining my maternity

332 replies

joao2570 · 29/11/2023 07:37

My dh runs a business and at the moment, it needs a lot of attention.

But I need a lot of attention too. 8 days ago I had our second baby, and we have a 1 year old too. We've had issues latching which are just resolving and my one year old has been a bit tearful and clingy.

My dh has not taken 2 weeks paternity leave. His reasoning is he just can't. He said he would do the minimum an hour or so a day but it's been lots more. I've been crying every day because I'm so exhausted and hormonal and I feel exhausted after 2 mins with my one year old.

It's turning into lots of hours here or there that I am alone with both children. Today my 1 year old is at nursery, so dh only had to have him a couple of hours in the morning. He's slept upstairs while I've been up all night with the newborn.

Our one year old woke up early and dh left him to cry and woke up me and newborn. On top of that he wants me to have both for an hour this morning so he can work before he takes 1 year old to nursery.

Im exhausted. I only get his help for 2 weeks and I haven't even got that. I'm ready to leave him as I feel work always comes first. I have 2 little children and I don't want them to feel like this either. When my first was born, he did the same thing. I'm still not over it as I was just left on my own looking after a baby while he worked in the other room and expected me to make him lunch!

I'm not asking for much, just the 2 weeks paternity leave so I can heal and be a good mum to my children. Aibu for just wanting my partner to not work and prioritise us for 2 weeks? I feel like he's ruining my maternity both times with this.

OP posts:
BIossomtoes · 29/11/2023 17:58

crumblingschools · 29/11/2023 16:14

@notacooldad I would be disappointed to be a granny in my 40s

I was 21 when I had my son. I’d have been delighted to have been a granny in my 40s.

NotMeNoNo · 29/11/2023 18:09

It sounds like you are just in one of those chapters of life where it is really hard for you both.
My DH runs a small business too. His mum died recently and he had maybe 2 days off - one to arrange the funeral and one to go to it. He has some difficult projects on the go, in real time, that could not be left. Whereas another family member just took several weeks unpaid leave from their job. It wasn't a sign of how much he cared, just a reflection of what choices were available.

It is really tough with a newborn but you need to let your DH know but how he can effectively help - in the mornings or evenings, a half day off or long weekend, that makes good use of everybody's time and is realistic. If you are not the main carer, it's not obvious how draining it is with little ones all day, both physically and emotionally, I'm sure as adults you can have a sensible discussion about this.

lechatnoir · 29/11/2023 18:28

I think you need to be very blunt and tell him that you're struggling. And not just 'oh yikes this is tough' struggling, but really bloody verge of divorce and/or potential for serious mental breakdown struggling. You also mention that you'll only have his help for 2 weeks - does he do anything for you/DC normally? Honestly struggling to see what you get out of this relationship

bellac11 · 29/11/2023 19:15

Some of the ignorance on this thread is pretty astounding

Firstly 'grannies' didnt spend 2 weeks in hospital, as recently as the 70s they were out after a couple of days and most working class women were at work also

Secondly OP has made it clear that the baby was not planned (as such) and as a couple they decided to continue the pregnancy. He had planned to work short days but a number of unexpected issues have come up which he now needs to sort out. The baby came early so its not like planning for a holiday on a set date, particularly if the business has not run as he expected at this time, these things happen and he needs to respond

Thirdly, why do people assume that he is making a lot of money? He might be, he might not be, just because he has a number of employees it doesnt mean he's a millionaire, the business might be on the brink for all anyone knows

There is such a clamour to call him a twat and other names, saying he has let OP down, or that he's a bad parent and partner - when no one is being unreasonable, this is life, its what happens when someone has a business to run. Its normal for OP to feel overwhelmed but there may be other ways of seeking support which she needs to hear about. Name calling and slagging off the couple's decision to have another child is not helpful

SecondUsername4me · 29/11/2023 19:47

Part of their joint decision to continue with the pregnancy was built on him saying he would do more. saying he would do max 1 hour a day.

Presumably if he had said "I can't help" the discusion/decision process may well have bene different.

bellac11 · 29/11/2023 19:51

SecondUsername4me · 29/11/2023 19:47

Part of their joint decision to continue with the pregnancy was built on him saying he would do more. saying he would do max 1 hour a day.

Presumably if he had said "I can't help" the discusion/decision process may well have bene different.

I read the OP saying that they both couldnt tolerate a termination.

You wouldnt continue with a pregnancy just on the discussion about how 'paternity leave' is configured, thats a fairly short window.

ionlywantto · 29/11/2023 20:16

SecondUsername4me · 29/11/2023 19:47

Part of their joint decision to continue with the pregnancy was built on him saying he would do more. saying he would do max 1 hour a day.

Presumably if he had said "I can't help" the discusion/decision process may well have bene different.

But then the baby came a bit early and a potentially big issue cropped up at work.

If he stayed with her for two weeks and let something catastrophic happen to the business he'd also be criticised.

Surroundedbyfools · 29/11/2023 20:17

Sending love !

my DH is self employed and we physically can’t afford for him not to work. He went back to work 2 days after I had c section with our second child and we also have an almost 2 year old. He is often out 12-13 hrs a day. It is brutal. That first week/2 weeks was horrendous. Toddler ended up with hand foot n mouth. I obvz had to lift a toddler etc. they say don’t lift for 6 weeks which is totally unrealistic. It does get better. You will manage. Even if someone can help u out one day a week to get some peace ? I find going out and about keeps me sane. I hate being stuck in ! This mat leave is drastically different to DC1 mat leave when he was employed and worked from home due to Covid.

2jacqi · 29/11/2023 20:24

@joao2570 going to put the cat among the pigeons here!!! when I had my children dads didnt get paternity leave, grandparent or dm didnt move in to help! new mums had to get on with it, no matter how exhausted we felt, and we did get on with it!!!! it all comes right in the end!!! I have even known girls who had twins being left to cope, and a girl who had only 8 months between her two babies (one premature) again no help needed! we all still managed to vacuum, launder and make the tea!

Meowandthen · 29/11/2023 20:29

When you are self-employed you cannot just drop everything for two weeks straight. There is no one to pick up the work and you can lose clients. It really isn’t as simple as some are claiming.

If he is the sole earner, that’s especially important.

Seems that a proper discussion needs to be had. Men rarely intuit what is needed so you need to spell it out. if you are struggling you have to make it clear as chances are he will just think it hormonal.

muggart · 29/11/2023 20:31

He needs to pay for you to have help. Completely unreasonable to expect you to do it all by yourself.

Is the business on the brink of collapse?

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 29/11/2023 20:38

It's literally just two babies...

regularmumnotacoolmum · 29/11/2023 20:40

Oh OP I'm sorry I don't have any advice as I was shit at dealing with it but just wanted you to know that you're not alone and being upset and/or annoyed about it is perfectly valid. I went through similar and in fact my entire maternity leave was basically me being around for the kids 24/7 which the husband loved as it meant he could work as much as he wanted to without worrying about his responsibilities. 😬 It's only now that I've gone back to work does he realise what he did and feel guilty for it.

Heidi75 · 29/11/2023 21:13

Newbie1011 · 29/11/2023 07:42

He is very very unreasonable not to take the two weeks, I’m so sorry OP. I would be furious too. He sounds like he is being very uncaring, can you talk to him calmly about how seriously let down you feel and how much you need him to be there for you while you recover from the birth?
My DH is a workaholic too and he drives me mad with it but he would never not take the two weeks, it’s so standard these days, what industry is your DP in?

It's not standard if you are self-employed and will be relying on an income those weeks that you may not get if you are not working (depending on what type of work he does) That's not to say there couldn't be some form of compromise though

Wtfmmsnet · 29/11/2023 22:08

Thinking of leaving him because he is focusing on maintaining an income? You’re assumedly on maternity leave or a SHM, in which case the majority of the workload should fall on you around the house and caring for the children. You need to work on your coping mechanisms if you are struggling at this stage as you are in for a shock as they will be even more difficult to manage in a year or so once they are both walking.

GirlOfTudor · 29/11/2023 22:29

You are being unreasonable for many reasons. This has happened before. Didn't you expect the same to happen with baby number 2? Did you discuss with your partner how unhappy it made you the first time and how you'd like it to be different the second time? Did you consider this before trying to conceive?
Also, having a newborn when your first child is still SO young is bound to be difficult. Was this not a consideration before trying to conceive so soon after your first?
If your partner's business is still in the phase where it needs a lot of attention, could you have postponed the kids until it wasn't?
He could absolutely take 2 weeks paternity leave (this is the bare minimum by the way, many employers offer more than this these days!), but he's choosing not to.
I wouldn't make any rash decisions about your relationship right now. You're still recovering from the birth and any major changes will be even more difficult for you.

Original poster
joao2570 · 29/11/2023 22:53

It makes me laugh when people say back in my day...
Back in your day, racism was rife. So was sexism, people dying of diseases when there was no need, it was legal to rape your wife etc... shall we keep all those things too because that's how they were?
And the it's only 2 babies... if it's that easy come and help with the Night Shift then get up at 6am with my toddler with a massive gaping wound across your front.

OP posts:
Original poster
joao2570 · 29/11/2023 22:54

To the people who have been sympathetic, thank you. No I don't expect it to be easy but I do expect help after birth when I can barely walk.

OP posts:
YankeeDad · 29/11/2023 22:58

@joao2570 I think you can safely ignore the posters who state or imply that you should be able to manage on your own.

Maybe they had easy deliveries that did no damage, or maybe they do not even have children!

Plus, every person is an individual. You know what sort of help you need. Your husband says he cannot provide that help personally right now, and that may very well be true.

Spend the money required in order to hire the help that you need. If your husband is even a little bit reasonable then he will be grateful that you have sorted it out.

sparklefresh · 29/11/2023 23:03

You say he was like this last time - did you expect it to be different this time? If so, why?

Bandolina · 29/11/2023 23:11

Most people are not saying you should just manage on your own but are saying that 2 weeks paternity leave isn't necessarily something you can expect your partner as a self employed person to be able to do.
Do you not have any other options for support from family, friends or paid help?

JollyHostess101 · 29/11/2023 23:24

Not exactly in your situation as DH isn’t self employed but works long hours and our flat comes with his job!

Our baby came early so had to shift his time off, then my Dad who’d be diagnosed with cancer just before baby arrived declined quickly and passed away…… DH has pretty much used up any wiggle room/leave he has with Christmas approaching (works in hospitality) and has had an assistant manager move on so is picking up more hours etc!

Its been brutal at times and we have fallen out- shouted, cried, threaten to leave but what has helped me is to just embrace it and realise I’m just in survival mode and as long as we make it through it day all is fine and tomorrow is a new day and we start again!

Im sure your husband probably doesn’t want to be working all the hours but like mine there’s simply nothing he can do!!

ReadingSoManyThreads · 29/11/2023 23:28

Some of these replies are utterly shocking. Shame on you.

@joao2570 I feel you, those early days when you're in pain and struggling to walk are really tough. Then the sleep deprivation on top. Your husband is being unfair to not be supporting you through this post-partum period. Try to have a talk with him, and explain how much pain you're in and that although you appreciate he needs to do some work, you really do need him to step up with being a husband and father right now until you've physically healed.

MrsRaspberry · 29/11/2023 23:42

Surely with 50-100 employees his business can manage without him so he can take a week or two off for paternity leave? He's likely to have trained someone to take over his role somewhat in case of illness or holiday cover. I get its hard going raising 2 babies but you're married and both decided to have a second child within a year or so of having your first he should chip in and take some parenting responsibilities to give you some support at home too. Tell him how he's making you feel it may just give him a kick up the backside if he realises that he could lose his marriage if things don't change

Muddybooties · 30/11/2023 00:20

Please pay for help. If he has a business of that size you can afford it. Get a doula.

He can’t drop everything or the income for your children and lifestyle disappears.

Things are rarely ideal and I’m so sorry you’re feeling so exhausted.

I hope you get that help in within the next week and that the rest of maternity is much better.

Feel better soon, caesarean is rough too.