Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh works all the time - Ruining my maternity

332 replies

joao2570 · 29/11/2023 07:37

My dh runs a business and at the moment, it needs a lot of attention.

But I need a lot of attention too. 8 days ago I had our second baby, and we have a 1 year old too. We've had issues latching which are just resolving and my one year old has been a bit tearful and clingy.

My dh has not taken 2 weeks paternity leave. His reasoning is he just can't. He said he would do the minimum an hour or so a day but it's been lots more. I've been crying every day because I'm so exhausted and hormonal and I feel exhausted after 2 mins with my one year old.

It's turning into lots of hours here or there that I am alone with both children. Today my 1 year old is at nursery, so dh only had to have him a couple of hours in the morning. He's slept upstairs while I've been up all night with the newborn.

Our one year old woke up early and dh left him to cry and woke up me and newborn. On top of that he wants me to have both for an hour this morning so he can work before he takes 1 year old to nursery.

Im exhausted. I only get his help for 2 weeks and I haven't even got that. I'm ready to leave him as I feel work always comes first. I have 2 little children and I don't want them to feel like this either. When my first was born, he did the same thing. I'm still not over it as I was just left on my own looking after a baby while he worked in the other room and expected me to make him lunch!

I'm not asking for much, just the 2 weeks paternity leave so I can heal and be a good mum to my children. Aibu for just wanting my partner to not work and prioritise us for 2 weeks? I feel like he's ruining my maternity both times with this.

OP posts:
WimbyAce · 29/11/2023 11:58

I think we are going off topic but just to add my mum had me in a "maternity home" where she stayed a week and had a lovely time by all accounts. So yes things were different back then in terms of recovery and support etc

snatchabook · 29/11/2023 12:02

NoCloudsAllowed · 29/11/2023 10:28

He said he'd take two weeks of only working an hour a day. He's gone back on this.

With 50-100 employees, I would worry about the resilience of the company if he can't take two weeks off. Don't you ever have holidays? He needs to bring in people who he can delegate to if necessary. What if he was incapacitated with COVID etc for two weeks? A company that can't manage without you for two weeks is a company at risk. Or it might be that he just doesn't want to step back, which is something else.

OP I'd ask him to imagine he had a horrible accident that damaged his undercarriage and left open wounds, or needed abdominal surgery in case of c-section - then immediately had to look after your two children 24/7. I really do think the impact of childbirth is kind of invisible for lots of people, they don't register that a baby emerging from your body is something you need time to recover from.

Show quote history

Ah @NoCloudsAllowed that will teach me to read the full thread won't it!

Bananacup · 29/11/2023 12:10

A lot of people here assuming that a business with 50 employees is making good money.

I run a business with 50 employees and cash is a constant concern. There are things only I can do, such as deal with our banks and investors. At critical times and in emergencies I cannot take time off, and cannot delegate as these things are relationship based.

Clearly a lot of posters haven't had people rely on them for their livelihoods. He is not being selfish, he is doing his very difficult job. The mum will get the rewards of being married to a business owner and part of the deal is that she will have to get through this bit. It's not easy but it's doable.

Bananacup · 29/11/2023 12:12

And to the people saying it's a shit business if he can't take time off - well yes, but most small/med businesses are constantly on the brink! It's not news that these businesses are not resilient. That's the point, you work really hard to try to build them to a point of resilience. It's a tough job. And doesn't work if you take two whole weeks off during a critical period

TeaGinandFags · 29/11/2023 12:42

Go and visit mum for a couple of years.

Whatever you decide I think DH has made it plain that he's married to his business and you and the kids are background. I would also suspect thst he does sweet FA around the house.

Let your mum make a fuss over you and decide how you want to move forward without him in the background. You may even prefer it.

alwaystroubleonmn · 29/11/2023 12:53

I think you need to get help from a Nanny or a Mother's help. Hopefully, your business is profitable enough to pay for that kind of support.

Running a small business is all-consuming - I know there have been times when I have really needed dh and he could not be there and he felt completely torn, on reflection we should have got some paid help and there have been times when if I had been an employee I'd have been signed off sick or had compassionate leave but the wheels needed to keep turning so the day my dad died I worked through my tears - I had things that needed to be done before I could grieve, other people rely on us - it's not just about us taking a break.

notacooldad · 29/11/2023 13:13

Most of my friends are 'grannies'. Their ages are between 45 and 59. I am 58. I certainly didn't have ages in hospital. I had one overnight with each child and 18 weeks off work in total ( including the time before the birth) I am glad things are easier for new mums today. However to say that 'grannies' had a nice stay in hospital with their feet up is not necessary true.

crumblingschools · 29/11/2023 13:19

@notacooldad my MIL, who is a granny, had a week in hospital after having DC, but she is in her 70s. 45 is quite young to be a granny now, many women in their early 40s are just becoming mums.

ChristmasSugarplumFairy · 29/11/2023 13:25

Mariposista · 29/11/2023 08:00

Well if you leave him you will have this problem all the time!
If he did the same with child 1, why would it be any different with #2? What would happen to his business if he didn’t work? Would you as a family take a huge financial hit?
Sounds like you need to seek help from someone else, family member or friend. Crying isn’t going to resolve anything.

Don't underestimate how emotionally draining it is to be this exhausted knowing that there is a capable human being upstairs, snoring away, not giving a fuck.

Sparklesocks · 29/11/2023 13:31

Mariposista · 29/11/2023 08:00

Well if you leave him you will have this problem all the time!
If he did the same with child 1, why would it be any different with #2? What would happen to his business if he didn’t work? Would you as a family take a huge financial hit?
Sounds like you need to seek help from someone else, family member or friend. Crying isn’t going to resolve anything.

I sometimes forget how truly cold some people on MN can be.
She’s 8 days PP. Hormones all over the place and she’s having a difficult time. How is berating her helpful in any way?

CandyLeBonBon · 29/11/2023 13:40

If he's got 50- 100 people working for him it's a well established business, and if he can't work out how to at least reduce his work time to mornings only fit two weeks, he's not doing it right. He's got into the habit, as owner/managers do, of having to stick his finger in every part of the business because he feels he can't let go.

He can. He just doesn't want to.

notacooldad · 29/11/2023 13:48

@notacooldadmy MIL, who is a granny, had a week in hospital after having DC, but she is in her 70s. 45 is quite young to be a granny now, many women in their early 40s are just becoming mums
It depends on your demographic.
In my team my manager is 56 with 7 grand children, my deputy is 55 with two. Our service lead is 51 with two grandchildren. The list goes on. I'm oldest in my office and have grandkids.
I'm the only one without in my friendship group and I'm the eldest there as well!!

notacooldad · 29/11/2023 14:29

I'm oldest in my office and have grandkids
Meant to say, have no grandkids!
I am definitely an oddity and people ask if I'm disappointed! (I'm not, I dont care)

crumblingschools · 29/11/2023 16:14

@notacooldad I would be disappointed to be a granny in my 40s

Roselilly36 · 29/11/2023 16:19

I can empathise OP, this was my experience too, not that DH didnt want to be at home, he was self employed and we could not afford to lose the income with a mortgage to pay etc. My late MIL was wonderful and helped us. I will admit I did feel envious of my friends with employed DH’s that could take two weeks paternity and add annual leave etc. Good luck going forward OP.

Squirrelsbite · 29/11/2023 17:04

If he didn’t help first time round what made you think this time would be different

ginasevern · 29/11/2023 17:22

I don't suppose the DH's anxiety levels are that great either. The new baby wasn't planned, he's facing problems with his business and there is a cost of living crisis. He also has around 100 employees depending on him and Christmas is coming. Running your own business is a whole different ball game to being employed. You can't just switch off and get paid. It often is a 24/7 commitment and it isn't for the faint hearted. I know through bitter experience.

Coddiwomples · 29/11/2023 17:26

Why did you decide to have another baby so soon? And did you not talk about how it would work?

Zebedee55 · 29/11/2023 17:28

Kittylala · 29/11/2023 11:15

Let's not all forget that fathers taking 2 weeks off is a very new thing! How did our grannies cope? It's worth considering.

lol..we had to. Men, at most, could take a week's annual leave, and that was it.

Having a baby is not an amputation or a death sentence.🙄

Cherrysoup · 29/11/2023 17:34

He expects you to makes him lunch?what the actual? Is he incapable of throwing together a sandwich? What hours is he working that he can’t put a tin of soup in a pan, for example? Is he generally this useless?

BellenderCarlisle · 29/11/2023 17:41

I think there are some pretty callous people here.

Man works hard to build up his own business for the benefit of his partner and children (and himself). As a result, he can't take that nice "paid leave" that so many people on here get. And people on here are seriously suggesting that the OP leave him for the fact that he's trying to provide for them all. As if that would make her or her children's lives easier or better.

It's not as if he's lying around playing computer games or going cycling.

What should he actually do, given that he can't be in two places at once?

Backtobacky · 29/11/2023 17:48

crumblingschools · 29/11/2023 16:14

@notacooldad I would be disappointed to be a granny in my 40s

Why @crumblingschools? I am and so are many of my friends.

MeridaBrave · 29/11/2023 17:51

He’s not an employee so not entitled to paternity leave I don’t think… my DH just moved jobs when DC3 was born so he didn’t
get time off… better to pay for help… we agreed together that our cleaner would come every day for a month for a few hours each day. Equip to 2 weeks time off work and more useful.

AnImaginaryCat · 29/11/2023 17:52

crumblingschools · 29/11/2023 16:14

@notacooldad I would be disappointed to be a granny in my 40s

Well, yes you would if you had your first in your 30s.

Less so if you were in your teens or 20s as some of us did.

BIossomtoes · 29/11/2023 17:56

Coddiwomples · 29/11/2023 17:26

Why did you decide to have another baby so soon? And did you not talk about how it would work?

Why did you decide not to read the thread? Or at least all OP’s posts?