DH: CF or massive Tw*t?

[AppelationStation]

I'll try to keep it brief.

Worked a 14 hour day yesterday (Monday) with travel to London for meetings. Worked from home today, finishing after 6.30pm because my Chair needed a meeting. Whilst working from home I did both school runs, took the sick dog to the vets, nipped to the shop and made the contents of a pie for tea in my lunch break. Had some flex in my hours because of yesterday but still a full on day. I sat down for 20 mins at 2ish and fell asleep for 10 of them.

Because my trustee meetings went on into the evening, I asked DH, when he got home, to assemble pie, make some mash and boil broccoli. He did so.

Because I didn't cook all of the dinner, he insisted it was my turn to wash the pots. He refuses to have a dishwasher. Usually I cook, he washes. Today he had to do some cooking, so for him it follows I do the dishes. Finished them about 11.

For context, DH does a stress free job he loves that earns just above minimum wage. I am an underpaid CEO in a small non profit that works at the sharp end with people who are homeless and/or domestic abuse survivors. I earn 30% more than he does, have way more responsibility, and still do most of the life admin/ school runs/ cooking /housework. He's a great 'fun dad', around the house, does what he's asked to, rolls his eyes if I dare to complain and considers himself a feminist.

Is he just a bog standard CF husband? Or in serious Massive Twat territory? I genuinely think my current workload will kill me early. He doesn't seem to care.

That wasn't as brief as I intended.

This is batshit. I don't like dishwashers and don't want one. If my husband ever decides he wants one then we'll get one and I can either choose to use it or not.

Why does he do so little around the house? I'm not into the whole work top trumps nonsense of I worked 3 more hours than you on Wednesday, but you're a team and are supposed to help and support each other. If one of you is under pressure in time, health etc the other should just pick up more without prompt!

By the way, the person who refuses to have a dishwasher should be doing ALL the washing up.

Just buy a dishwasher though, he's not your boss.

Hope you’re reading the replies OP. He’s a massive t**t and deep down you know it.

He's both and massive twat and a CF.

As everyone else has said, get yourself a dishwasher, and if he doesn't step up and take over 50% of the jobs around the home and mental load, get yourself a new man, too.

When me and dh first married, he also said we didn't need a dishwasher.
After I informed him I would not be washing another dish and he would need to , amazingly "dishwasher " appeared and has no become the most important appliance!

You know what's more fun to have around the house than a "fun dad" who rolls his eyes and clearly doesn't give a shiny shite about you? A new dishwasher. Get one ordered today, fuck that for a game of skittles.

He refuses to have a dishwasher.

He considers himself a feminist.

This is high bullshit and you know it.

We moved into a house with a dishwasher which my ex forbade the use of, as "we didn't need it".

I now have a Miele dishwasher which I love and can use whenever I want, and zero husbands.

Yip this!

@GiveOverRover 👍, well done ! , to be fair to dh , it was a small lapse in a 26 year marriage that has never been repeated! 🤣

A brief bit of advice from a 59 year old together with husband for 30 years. Buy a dishwasher. Do not even consult him. Time spent conferring on something you know you need is time wasted, especially when he's being an arse about it. I used to discuss stuff like this with DH only for him to put downers on everything that involved even a small amount of money. Now I just do it and tell him it's happening. Nothing unreasonable, it's just that I know what I'm doing, and I know my DH can't help being a negative worrier, so I override the issue with direct action. It actually works well if you ignore their shocked face. They get over it and all is well.

I absolutely applaud this. I have similar situation at home and I have been guilty of wasting too much time in massive, passive seething resentment. When I do direct action it usually works out ok. I’m a lot rubbish at direct action to be honest. Reminder to self to try harder! Thank you!!! 😍

Dishwasher, pronto.

Am I the only one who hates the phrase “ fun dad”?

I hate him.

Could you 'refuse' to have a lawnmower? Or a hedge cutter? Or a hosepipe? Or a hoover? How would this go?

There's more to this than the dishwasher, there's an imbalance of power.

Why not get a job as an OVERpaid CEO in an area you love, seeing as you seem to be jealous of his work position?

Getting a dishwasher won't solve the massive imbalance elsewhere in this relationship though, will it?

Op, you need to state clearly and unequivocally that things must change, or you will burn out. If he loves you, he will step up. Have you told him how you feel already? I don't mean the odd throw away comment/ complaint/ nag - I mean really sit down, look him in the eyes and say you can't continue as you are, and nor should you be expected to.

Depending on his reaction, that should tell you if he's a twat you've no hope of changing, or a cf who, having been put right, will worry about how he has taken the piss and will address this imbalance seriously.

Im a bit like this too. I do not bother my arse consulting DH over something i need like this, and he knows im intelligent enough that if i say i need or want it, then thats enough. End of conversation, in fact half the time its not even a conversation, unless it really warrants one.
Its how we ended up with 2 cats really, went to look at one in the rescue, came home with 2, he comes home, oh we have 2 now do we?Yes dh, couldnt leave one in the orphanage. Ah fair enough he says.
I do not get why anyone would tolerate such bullshittery, especially when you know better OP.
Hes a gowl.

Seriously he is a bit of a twat but it could be worth trying to modify him.
Get a dishwasher, they are very good. We have just moved house and there is no room for ours. It is driving us both mad.
Also you will have much more time for DCs and DH without a dog or pet. Really at this stage of your life you need to rationalise how you spend your time.
It is not about being an animal lover it is about priorities.

Op, you sound incredible. Can I be you when I grow up, even though I bet I’m decades older?!?

I’m a part time worker, in a job I love and I have to factor that into the equation even if I get resentful. Your OH is simply not considering this. He needs to - big time - or you need to consider it for him. “Direct approach” as described up thread.

Being ‘fun’ does not carry more weight than being practical. He can be more ‘fun’ as he seems to be carrying a lot less responsibility!

Feel for you …

Buy yourself a dishwasher. He doesn't have to use it if he has some objection to it.

You had me at 'he refuses to have a dishwasher'. If you suggested a dishwasher and he refused to get one, he should be washing the fucking dishes every bloody day.

I love this! Yes to a beagle (although they're a bit high maintenance too) and a dishwasher. Enough already with women having to carry all the load at home whilst working as much, or in your case much more, than a male partner. FFS, these twats don't know they're alive. I vote for some 'stop work' action on the home front - see how he likes it having to bloody do it all. CF twat.

Your husband is out of warrantee. He's not working properly.

Get a new dishwasher.

I have no time for male "feminists" whose feminism consists of saying "I'm a feminist" and thinking they're progressive because they believe it's good for women to be "allowed" to go out to work and drive cars.

@AppelationStation You will burn out and get ill if you carry on like this.

Buy a dishwasher - you don't need his permission. That's the very minimum. Have a very serious conversation about the workload in your household.

BTW my DH didn't want a dishwasher because he thinks they use more water and electricity than hand washing, which isn't true. I bought one and he had to lump it. He's still a bit weird about it years later, but I ignore the muttering.

What the fuck does he have against dishwashers? Plus who died and made him god of appliances? I think I’d be pretty clear that if he is seriously going to block a dishwasher then he does all the washing up all the time without murmur. Why should you suffer?

Plus stop doing all the drudge work when you’re working. It’s not fair. He should be doing at least one of the school runs and cooking the dinner himself. If you continue to martyr yourself you’ll burn out.

Get a dishwasher. Stop preparing dinner in your lunch break. Consider whether wfh is actually working for you - if you worked outside the home, he would have to deal with school runs. Or explain that wfh is actually that, not "free" time.
As for you washing up when he cooks, make sure you never lift a finger towards the cooking of any mea that he is involved with. Or tell him, actually I prepared half of this, so you can do the washing up as I'm knackered. Or get the DC to step up.
I think you are setting yourself up here, you have to step back. Let things go wrong if you have to, and visibly prioritise your work during work times. If you complain but carry on as you are, he won't take it seriously.
So yes, he is both a CF and a twat.