DH: CF or massive Tw*t?

[AppelationStation]

I'll try to keep it brief.

Worked a 14 hour day yesterday (Monday) with travel to London for meetings. Worked from home today, finishing after 6.30pm because my Chair needed a meeting. Whilst working from home I did both school runs, took the sick dog to the vets, nipped to the shop and made the contents of a pie for tea in my lunch break. Had some flex in my hours because of yesterday but still a full on day. I sat down for 20 mins at 2ish and fell asleep for 10 of them.

Because my trustee meetings went on into the evening, I asked DH, when he got home, to assemble pie, make some mash and boil broccoli. He did so.

Because I didn't cook all of the dinner, he insisted it was my turn to wash the pots. He refuses to have a dishwasher. Usually I cook, he washes. Today he had to do some cooking, so for him it follows I do the dishes. Finished them about 11.

For context, DH does a stress free job he loves that earns just above minimum wage. I am an underpaid CEO in a small non profit that works at the sharp end with people who are homeless and/or domestic abuse survivors. I earn 30% more than he does, have way more responsibility, and still do most of the life admin/ school runs/ cooking /housework. He's a great 'fun dad', around the house, does what he's asked to, rolls his eyes if I dare to complain and considers himself a feminist.

Is he just a bog standard CF husband? Or in serious Massive Twat territory? I genuinely think my current workload will kill me early. He doesn't seem to care.

That wasn't as brief as I intended.

What you’ve got OP is a common or garden misogynist, who thinks because he occasionally pulls his finger out, he’s a feminist who treats women fairly because he does the odd dinner.

Use his ‘i did this so you need to do that’ against him.

50/50 all the way. He wants fairness and division of Labour, give it to him.

You’ll get a massive tantrum and gaslighting in return, which will confirm your suspicion this man doesn’t care about you as a person, only you as domestic service and money earner who allowed him to coast through life unburdened.

A PP above managed to change her ‘feminist’ partner into a decent one with what sounds like a lot of work, so it might be doable for you, but, personally I have no desire to educate a grown man on how to act like an adult so in your shoes I’d cut my losses.

Get a dishwasher then no one has to do dishes and he can take on half the cooking. If he complains about getting a dishwasher ignore him

Set up a rota for cleaning/washing/cooking, and insist on keeping to it.

A Disney dad isn't a father more like ab extra child. I'd stop doing any thing for him house wise and start demanding he pulls his weight

My husband found a secondhand dishwasher on gumtree and installed it where an old tumble drier was when we moved into our new house.

We both remark daily on how it is the best £50 we’ve ever spent 😄

You need a husband who makes your life easier, not harder OP

The thing is, it isn't up to women to "let them off" or constantly berate them about not doing their share and be accused of nagging, as this is just more work in itself.

It's up to men to step up and be a decent human being.

What a bastard. Time to up sticks and leave.

Putting aside the husband for a moment. Why the fuck are you working that hard for a job thats only paying you 30% above minimum wage?

He can't both refuse to get a dishwasher and insist you wash up when you've had a full on day. He is a massive twat. Just get a dishwasher, don't ask him, just buy one and get someone to install it. What's he going to do, leave? Fat chance, he knows what side his bread is buttered, with his wife subsidising his lifestyle. Then decide what to do with the massive twat husband later.

Your DH may be a callous and selfish twat, but you being underpaid and overworked (and very obviously unhappy) in your chosen career is entirely on you, not him.

Why are you suffering that level of responsibility and stress for a paltry 30% above NMW? Actually way less than NMW if you're working 14 hour days? Get a different job.

Self crowned male 'feminist' insists his brief dabble with domestic labour goes matched by his female spouse working through the day and into the evening, stopping just shy of midnight.

Congratulates himself on his contribution towards equality.

quoted wrong thing now can't get rid of it - sorry

Can't argue with any of that.

boils my piss

Please don't use language like that at Christmas.

The expression you are looking for is "Mulls my piss"

Why does he not want a dishwasher?
Have you room for one?
You are adding an hour onto your working day by not having one.

I'd start making very elaborate meals using every pot and cup and bowl pot and pan every time it's his turn to wash up.
Then almost burn the remnants into the saucepans. Every time.

But that's a childish passive response.

Actually I'd just buy myself a dishwasher.
You own 50% of the house, it can go in your half.

He doesn't need to use it if he doesn't want to.

I believe that is only applicable if you are planning on adding cinnamon and other spices to the mix!

Order a dishwasher.
How the hell do you get through a day! A house functions with it working together without his bs or attitude.

Go out for dinner later in the week with a friend as you deserve it.

He refuses to have a dishwasher
How does this work?! Just buy a bloody dishwasher (we replaced ours a while ago and bought a mid range one which works just as good as the very expensive one we had before)

He refuses to have a dishwasher?
Id refuse to wash the dishes. See how that works?
Jesus christ hes a twat. How have you tolerated this muppet.

Awful man child. Time for a clear out.

Mmmmm . . . 🤔

THERE'S a thought . . .

<decides to have a rake through the spice section of Tesco>

Well he has two options - wash up himself or get dishwasher

Jesus - why does an intelligent woman like you allow a man to tell you that you can’t buy a dishwasher? He can’t say he does all the washing up anyway as this demonstrates he doesn’t.

I think you need to stand up for yourself a bit more. This is just one tiny example but it points to an imbalance of power on your relationship. Your views are just as valid as his. He would be less of a CF if you challenged him a bit more.

I've only read a few replies so apologies if I'm repeating.

I can see pp have suggested getting a dishwasher, splitting chores, getting a cleaner, dividing finances etc. I think that's all a bit moot really. The very bare bones of it is, he sees how hard you work and how exhausted you are and he knows that he's got it easier than you, but he doesn't feel any urge to lighten your load whatsoever and is happy to watch you continue to do more than your fair share. I think he just fundamentally doesn't value, love or respect you. That's not how you treat someone you treasure. If you can see them struggling, you do whatever you need to do to make their life easier and happier. Sometimes that means taking on more than your fair share for a while. He can't even do the 50% of the labour he should just be doing as a matter of course.

I'd be seriously considering whether it would be easier to deal with life as a single parent. At least you'd get some downtime when he's doing his Disney dad routine EOW. And you could get that dishwasher.

He is both a CF and a massive twat.

What does he bring to the table, other than his minimum wage?