18-Year-Old DD Clubbing alone

[WagonWheel1234]

DD turns 18 in a couple of weeks and wants to go to an all-female gay club night (it's a once-a-year-thing apparently) in Covent Garden on NYE, then walk back to Waterloo and get the train home in the small hours - no friends want to come so she'd be totally alone.

I'd be OK with her going with a friend but I think alone is a bad idea when she's never been clubbing before and isn't that used to drinking. No gay clubs in our town, so she feels like it's her only opportunity to go and experience this. She'll be at uni next year and I'm sure there will be things like that at uni, but she says all gay clubs are full of men and straight women and this is unique.

AIBU to say no?

What do you want 'someone' to do, given the useless policewoman isn't doing anything either, despite being equipped with pepper spray, baton, etc?

Thanks for your advice everyone x

@FreshWinterMorning .! We all know your parents did put their foot down with you, they did say 'if you don't like it you can leave,' and you didn't leave!

Careful with those “all or nothing” “my house my rules” statements, my mom said the same thing so I packed my bags on my 18th birthday and left. I had nothing, but “nothing” was better than a narcissistic emotionally abusive mum. I ended up engaged in sex work to survive. To this day I have a stranged relationship with a mom I see once a year. As a mum your actions will have consequences so tread carefully.

That's the point @CagneyAndLazy - there's no safety in numbers for a girl on her own anymore on a busy city street, as no-one will do anything to defend her and the met police are ineffective & understaffed, muggers & rapists know that. Add into that a huge amount of alcohol & drugs on NYE, and you've got a situation that a sheltered 18 year old girl who has never been clubbing before won't be able to handle. I'm the opposite of sheltered - I did what I wanted from a young age and can look after myself in a fight if no weapons are involved - but I still wouldn't risk going clubbing by myself in Covent Garden / Leicester Sq at NYE.

A couple of things:

I'd be surprised if trains from Waterloo are running until the small hours

As it's NYE it's likely a ticketed event - does she have one?

You can't say no. She's an adult. Just make sure she knows her limits on alcohol and has a plan to get home. The vast majority of women have safe nights out, don't freak her out with horror stories. You're only going to push her away if you try and stop her.

All these posters worrying about her safety... fine and fair enough, but aside from anything else it will just be bleakly depressing. She will be all on her own, no one to talk to and likely have a shit night. She so clearly doesn't have a clue about what clubbing is.

I am a lesbian.
Going clubbing alone as a young lesbian is not unusual. I did it and most of my friends did. Before you know any or many other lesbians you don't have any other choice except to go alone. Or you just wait and wait until you have friends to go with.

I assume she is going to Jewel. She wants to go to this because there are very few lesbian club nights. Unlike her straight friends she can't just go to a club in her local town or City that is lesbian. The vast majority are mixed and mainly men and are less safe than Jewel will be.

She sounds socially confident so will be fine in the club. It may not live up to her expectations, but it will be fine. I assume she already knows about the dangers of spiking. She will be at far less at risk of this in Jewel, but that does not mean there is no risk. Anyone young going out, unless they are pretty naïve, seems far more switched on about these risks and how to avoid it than most older people are.

Pickpocketing is a risk both in the club and outside and I would want to talk to her about how to avoid that and what to do if it happens. I would also talk to her about the risk of being drunk alone and would want her to set a clear amount she will not drink over. But lots of young people do not drink or do not drink much, so that might not be an issue.

The poster talking about being constantly groped and pulled and grabbed in a lesbian club sounds like a male fantasist. The real risk is that she will be pretty much ignored, but if she is confident then she can enjoy dancing and just being in the crowd. That is fun if you are very confident.

My concern would be her journey home. I agree that some posters make it sound like a war zone, which it is not. But there will be groups of drunk men who may harass her or just make her feel unsafe. If I could afford it I would either book somewhere for me and DP to stay and collect her at the end of the evening outside the club. Or collect her outside and accompany her on the train home. It might be a crappy evening for DP and I, but I would feel much happier doing this.

MN is a bizarre place where underage teenage children must absolutely be able to shag whoever they want at home "because I'd rather they do it under my roof and they'll do it anyway", but an adult woman can also be told what she can and can't do for an evening out whilst "living under OP's roof"

But it's not just an "evening out" is it? It's a London club for a novice on NYE.

I agree with pp about the "swampy parenting advice" on MN (great description!) and I cringe at the posters who are happy to let their kids have underage/random boyfriends or girlfriends sleepover in the same bed. But OP is asking a specific question and I'm replying to those who say "she's an adult, none of your business" ' well it is actually.

It is a London club because there are not Lesbian clubs in other Towns and Cities. She does not have the same choices as her straight friends.

I'd get a hotel and have a quiet night in while she goes to the club, so she can get a taxi back to the hotel later.

You can't 'say no' once she's an actual adult, but you can tell her your concerns and talk about them.

I think it's clear why she wants to go to that specific club and why she wants to go to London. That doesn't make it safe or sensible

She's never been to a club. Being a lesbian doesn't preclude you from going to standard clubs with your friends. If she was experienced with clubbing and drinking and used to London nightlife then going alone would be okay. But she's making this decision with no real knowledge of what clubbing is like or how to handle herself.

It's not just risk of SE/violence, its risk of things like losing your purse and having no way of getting home, risks of drinking too much and have no one keeping an eye on you. Especially if you are alone, feeling a bit awkward and no one to dance with.

Also I think on the majority of nights out I've had some form of harassment/catcalling from men on the way home/to the kebab shop.

When your tipsy with a group of friends this is easy to manage and even funny/silly. But inexperienced and alone is very different, and I would be concerned about a more sinister level of harassment

At the weekend I went to an event with DP and went to the bar alone, and was hey loved and followed by 2 men until I got back to my DP. I dealt with it and wasn't scared because I knew I was with my DP, but they clearly thought I was alone. I can see that situation playing out on NYE in London, with a 15 minute walk to the station, no one keeping an eye on you and with no experience of managing this.

I talked in my longer post about the risks. But person after person is asking why she wants to go to London? Why not just go to a club in a smaller town or City.
Going to a straight club with straight friends is a very different experience for a lesbian. It can be fun being with friends, but the rest of it really is not. I would never go to a straight club, especially on NYE.

Could she go to Brighton maybe ?

And stay the night there ?

Club Revenge will have a fabulous NYE no doubt

Club Revenge is LGBT. It will be mainly gay men and trans people and a small amount of lesbians. It won't be a fun place to go alone as a lesbian and much riskier than Jewel.

Fair enough

No one is telling OP to SEND her daughter anywhere.

They’re saying the daughter will be an adult and the risk involved is up to her. You get 18 years to help them develop their judgement, it should be a slow process of them building up to things. But the bit of that build up where you can put your foot down stops at 18.

My sister tried to put her foot down. My 18 year old nephew just went out for the day and never went back home. He sofa surfed for months with friends. This was much riskier than the social events my sister told him he was not allowed to go to.

You could always show her this tragic story

www.theargus.co.uk/news/19950107.brighton-student-murdered-nye-party-remembered-parents/

If you try and scaremonger to a confident young person, they will just ignore the sensible warnings you give them as well.

I would also be uncomfortable with this but I’m confused how exactly do you ‘firmly say no’ and ‘not let’ an ADULT do something? And at what age do you stop ‘not letting’ them do things?

If you take this approach your kids simply do not tell you what they are doing. Which is dangerous. They need to be able to ring for help if they need it.

Wouldn't advise going alone. Lots of rohipnol going around. Need to be super careful. NYE brings out all sorts of people.

Some of these responses are insane. I was living independently and travelled the world at 17-18, my parents didn’t always know what country I was in. There is NO WAY ON EARTH anyone could have stopped me going anywhere I wanted (within a logistic/legal remit), least of all my parents. My friends were all the same, we had freedom and we took it.

I am middle aged now, and a normal person with a job, house and kids, and a lovely relationship with my parents who let me go. I’ve turned out fine, no mental health problems, maybe that’s because I’m super resilient, independent and highly capable..?