Page 6 | 18-Year-Old DD Clubbing alone

WagonWheel1234 · 2023-11-28T18:34:29+00:00

DD turns 18 in a couple of weeks and wants to go to an all-female gay club night (it's a once-a-year-thing apparently) in Covent Garden on NYE, then walk back to Waterloo and get the train home in the small hours - no friends want to come so she'd be totally alone. I'd be OK with her going with a friend but I think alone is a bad idea when she's never been clubbing before and isn't that used to drinking. No gay clubs in our town, so she feels like it's her only opportunity to go and experience this. She'll be at uni next year and I'm sure there will be things like that at uni, but she says all gay clubs are full of men and straight women and this is unique. AIBU to say no?

Delphinium20 · 28/11/2023 22:28

icclemunchy · 28/11/2023 22:18

@thistimenow interesting, where did I say there will be "non-females" there may or may not be those there who were AMAB. Not sure why it's a problem either as long as they are respectful of others boundaries.

And yes anyone being a twat is shut down quickly, the community as a whole is protective of others. We stick up for and look out for each other. Yes there is the odd bad egg, show me an community that doesn't have them. But I've yet to fine one (except maybe the BDSM community) where respecting boundaries is less tolerated

This has NOT been my bi DD's (19 ) experience at all. She's friends with some transwomen who are respectful but she and her lesbian/bi female and just straight female friends frequently discuss the problems with the many transwomen who have aggressive behavior or are being sex pests. The younger generation is actually getting quite fed up with it. I wrote the below as just one example:

My own DD had a transwoman's penis pressed up against her backside while waiting in line at one club (it wasn't a lesbian club, just general dance club). Her girlfriend yelled at him, but my DD was scared because he just laughed at them and didn't leave.

Slothfully · 28/11/2023 22:51

FlissyPaps · 28/11/2023 22:08

Ridiculous and patronising response.

Show quote history

It's neither if those things. Just the truth.

You be cool mum if you want to.

beatrix1234 · 28/11/2023 23:16

waterrat · 28/11/2023 22:23

I grew up in london and was clubbing from about 16. But i dont think this sounds wise.

She could go and do this more safely and with less pressure (and find a friend to go too) any other weekend of the year

Central London will be horrible incredibly crowded and full of drunks on nye. There wont be taxis and she is really going out on the worst night if the year

Could you gently persuade her to go another weekend and look at a hotel room etc

I agree, I live in central London and NYE is a nightmare, the only night of the year where I stay at home. Streets are crowded, there’s no taxis, people driving drunk, crowds everywhere,drunken fights, long queues to enter any venue and the big stations full of drunks waiting for the train and some passed out. To make matters worse it’s usually freezing outside. Any other night is fine but NYE, no thanks, too chaotic.

ThreeTreeHill · 28/11/2023 23:29

I think this is madness. You can't stop her but it seems a bad idea

Firstly is she used to London? Is she used to the area on a night out?

She's inexperienced with drinking, inexperienced with clubbing. What's she going to do all night? The club will be packed, she's not going to be sitting around chatting with like minded women and I cant image a lone 18yr old is going to spark the attention of many for a hook up.

Will there actually be trains home on NYE/day?

NYE night outs are horrible. Packed, drunks everywhere, very expensive and everyone is in a rowdy/aggressive state. Venues get terrified things are going to kick off. NYE is not a great first time clubbing experience in Central London.

Why does she want to go? I guess that's the key and can she find that elsewhere? Is there anyway she can find a friend to go?

FlissyPaps · 28/11/2023 23:31

Slothfully · 28/11/2023 22:51

It's neither if those things. Just the truth.

You be cool mum if you want to.

Show quote history

It’s not about being “cool mum”. It’s about having basic mutual respect and allowing your children to make adult decisions.

SurelySmartie · 28/11/2023 23:41

I don’t see why she can’t wait until Uni. She’s wrong about what she imagines it will be like. She’ll meet lots of gay women and it won’t all just revolve around clubbing. Then when she’s got more friends and a bit more savvy she can start going to clubs in London when she’s home from Uni in future.

She has so much time ahead of her for this. I know it doesn’t feel like it at that age though.

WomensRightsRenegade · 28/11/2023 23:46

No way would my daughter be going. I can only assume most people posting have much younger children and think a child magically becomes a fully-formed adult - whose safety you don’t care about anymore - on their 18th birthday.

And sorry, but it does come across as extremely ‘cool mum’ to be so nonchalant about a teenage girl going into a capital city on NYE completely alone. Because the risk of male violence vanishes when a young woman hits 18?! In a utopia without that threat of course she could walk naked through the streets if she wanted and not come to any harm. But we’re light years away from that.

Tbh if my daughter had even suggested this it would be confirmation that she was nowhere near adult enough to make mature decisions. That level of naivety is pretty astonishing. Yes they need to have their independence and learn to navigate the world. But not going 0-60! Not by doing something objectively dangerous.

Wanting my daughter to be safe is not controlling. There is independence and then there is dangerous idiocy.

Mirrormeback · 29/11/2023 00:07

My friends younger sister used to go to London clubbing on her own age 14

We'd go up in groups or pairs the same age

Sometimes you're just compelled to do these things

Mirrormeback · 29/11/2023 00:11

You can't stop living your life just in case something bad happens

She could book a room in the Covent Garden Premier Inn Hub if they have any rooms left

maddening · 29/11/2023 00:15

If it were me I would offer to go with her.

Mirrormeback · 29/11/2023 00:22

She also has to be careful she doesn't get spiked

It's unlikely but something to consider

She might meet some people who's flat she can crash out in afterwards

She doesn't know is how the evening will pan out

Agapornis · 29/11/2023 00:38

As a fellow lesbian in London, I think she's a bit young to go on her own. The venue will likely be fine, they usually have good security to keep men out. But most people attending will be a fair bit older than her, and central London is pretty shit to navigate on any Saturday night. Also, I don't understand why she'd walk to Waterloo. It's only a 20 min walk but it won't be lovely like in the daytime.The tube runs all night!

She may not have considered it yet, but there are ways to meet lesbian women that don't involve partying. Has she tried apps like Bumble to meet some local lesbians her age? In London, perhaps she could check what Retro Bar (mostly lesbian) has on, or go to events at the LGBTQ+ Community Centre near Tate Modern. Lots of young women come to the Community Centre! I'd also recommend joining a LGBTQ women's sports club, there are quite a few in the south east (PM me if you need help finding one). Plus at her age, a lot of young women still doing sports are lesbian anyway (sadly straight girls tend to drop out much younger).

NumberTheory · 29/11/2023 01:11

No way would my daughter be going. I can only assume most people posting have much younger children and think a child magically becomes a fully-formed adult - whose safety you don’t care about anymore - on their 18th birthday.

And sorry, but it does come across as extremely ‘cool mum’ to be so nonchalant about a teenage girl going into a capital city on NYE completely alone. Because the risk of male violence vanishes when a young woman hits 18?!

Of course you don’t become a fully formed adult over night, you have 18 years to build up to it.

I wasn’t basing it on my daughters’ but on my experiences of clubbing, in London and other cities, on my own and with friends, when I was a teen in decades past when the crime rate was higher and London seedier.

For some of us, clubbing is (or was!) fun and worth some risk, though I knew more women seriously assaulted by men they knew from “safe” groups than by strangers on a night out, so I don’t think it’s the risk you seem to.

mrssunshinexxx · 29/11/2023 01:31

@WagonWheel1234 I'd let her read this thread then decide if she still wants to

WhatNoUsername · 29/11/2023 02:49

WomensRightsRenegade · 28/11/2023 23:46

No way would my daughter be going. I can only assume most people posting have much younger children and think a child magically becomes a fully-formed adult - whose safety you don’t care about anymore - on their 18th birthday.

And sorry, but it does come across as extremely ‘cool mum’ to be so nonchalant about a teenage girl going into a capital city on NYE completely alone. Because the risk of male violence vanishes when a young woman hits 18?! In a utopia without that threat of course she could walk naked through the streets if she wanted and not come to any harm. But we’re light years away from that.

Tbh if my daughter had even suggested this it would be confirmation that she was nowhere near adult enough to make mature decisions. That level of naivety is pretty astonishing. Yes they need to have their independence and learn to navigate the world. But not going 0-60! Not by doing something objectively dangerous.

Wanting my daughter to be safe is not controlling. There is independence and then there is dangerous idiocy.

Regardless of what you think you can't dictate to an 18 year old. They are legally an adult whether you like it or not. You can raise your concerns with them but they make the decisions on what they do!

And yes I have older children!

anonuser63732 · 29/11/2023 02:53

Yep, she's an adult. You can worry but you can't tell her no.

WhatNoUsername · 29/11/2023 02:53

WomensRightsRenegade · 28/11/2023 23:46

No way would my daughter be going. I can only assume most people posting have much younger children and think a child magically becomes a fully-formed adult - whose safety you don’t care about anymore - on their 18th birthday.

And sorry, but it does come across as extremely ‘cool mum’ to be so nonchalant about a teenage girl going into a capital city on NYE completely alone. Because the risk of male violence vanishes when a young woman hits 18?! In a utopia without that threat of course she could walk naked through the streets if she wanted and not come to any harm. But we’re light years away from that.

Tbh if my daughter had even suggested this it would be confirmation that she was nowhere near adult enough to make mature decisions. That level of naivety is pretty astonishing. Yes they need to have their independence and learn to navigate the world. But not going 0-60! Not by doing something objectively dangerous.

Wanting my daughter to be safe is not controlling. There is independence and then there is dangerous idiocy.

And you should gradually have been preparing your child for independence before they reach 18. Not waiting until they are 18 and then panicking!

Most 18 year olds leave home to go to university when they will live away from home. So you'll have no idea what they are doing most of the time!! They'll likely be up to all sorts without your knowledge!

Honeychickpea · 29/11/2023 03:04

QuietBear · 28/11/2023 19:52

Is your DD neuro-diverse? I just ask because wanting to go clubbing alone as an 18yo is a very unusual thing to do. It's also not safe and she will be very vulnerable.

I would probably bribe her with cash or whatever and say I will give you XYZ towards your night out, but only if you take a friend.

What world do you live in that wanting to go clubbing on your own is very unusual?

Are young women no longer allowed to grow up?

ocarinaflow · 29/11/2023 03:51

WhatNoUsername · 29/11/2023 02:53

And you should gradually have been preparing your child for independence before they reach 18. Not waiting until they are 18 and then panicking!

Most 18 year olds leave home to go to university when they will live away from home. So you'll have no idea what they are doing most of the time!! They'll likely be up to all sorts without your knowledge!

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Hmmm I disagree with this. How could she have gradually prepared her DD – have her practise taking long solo train trips in the wee hours back and forth from London to the Home Counties?

Uni is different. I was harassed and followed so many times in London from 18 at uni through my 20s as a working adult... But I always knew I had safe halls/flatmates to run back to, had lots of people in London to call, knew the area, etc. Even that's not a guarantee that nothing bad will happen though – I was frightened quite a lot.

But anyway, at the start at 18 and 19, I mostly went out in groups with my uni mates like most people. We were all new (though pretending we weren't ha) but all together, so safety in numbers. I certainly didn't go practising clubbing with my parents before that......

Anotherrname · 29/11/2023 04:11

Mrsttcno1 · 28/11/2023 19:27

At 18 she doesn’t need your permission, but I have to say it’s a bit worrying that she doesn’t see all of the risks with this.

I’m mid 20’s so not new to drinking or clubbing but there’s no way I would go out by myself at all, ever. Having been spiked myself in the past & having friends be spiked despite us all being VERY careful and looking out for each other, for that reason alone I genuinely wouldn’t risk it.

I was also spiked as a teen and then I was SA when I ended up being separated from my friends (as I had been spiked). Still traumatises me. Your dd will only have just turned 18. That's hardly an adult in my eyes. I'm also in my 20s.

Regardless of age, please don't let your dd go out at night on her own.

WhatNoUsername · 29/11/2023 05:15

@ocarinaflow @Anotherrname You are missing the point. Firstly, you prepare your children for independence in a general sense - gradually letting the reins on but also discussing dangers and emergencies so they are able to make their own risk based decisions, be aware of dangers and get themselves out of trouble. I thought that was obvious. If you've not started this process by 18, you are way too late as by this point IT IS NOT UP TO THE OP WHAT HER DD DECIDES TO DO. SHE IS AN ADULT (caps for emphasis not shouting). The OP can't "not let her" or tell her no. She can advise and guide and warn. And I agree I wouldn't want my child 18 or not doing that so I would advise them against it strongly and set out the risks. But bottom line is she can't tell her she's not allowed!

PeopleAreWeird · 29/11/2023 05:18

NYE in London will be heaving!!!

PeopleAreWeird · 29/11/2023 05:20

Book her a hotel room near by? And she can travel back the next day (if trains are working) or on the 2nd

HungryandIknowit · 29/11/2023 05:31

I would persuade her not to or go with her (that might be persuasive enough!)

RJnomore1 · 29/11/2023 05:32

Goldwakeme · 28/11/2023 20:35

Why does she want to go alone? That seems so odd to me at any age. Could she be meeting someone there?

This occured to me, particularly with the insistence it’s now or never.

However if it meant that much to her and I could afford it, I’d fork out for the hotel nearby and have a new year in London myself… I’ve schlepped twice from Scotland to London with my now 19 year old in the last year to let her go to a k pop gig at the o2, because the whole thing would have been too much for her to handle but getting to spread her wings and go to the gig was really important to her (Christmas and birthday presents for her). I realise cost wise it’s perhaps out of the question for many people but op sounds like she could do it - and she might just enjoy being in the buzz herself.