MIL dying, husband angry at me for not being closer to her

[alicedbr]

MIL has a terminal illness and it's looking like she won't be with us for much longer. Understandably DH is beside himself, he is very close to his mum and an only child.

I've never got on with my MIL as I feel like she's always given unsolicited advice, tried to get over involved in my parenting and in our relationship with DH (examples: got very offended that I didn't want to have a C section as she advised, said things like "mummy isn't being very nice" to my DS when I was attempting to put him down for a nap that he was resisting, given cake to DD "because it's what grannies do" when I specifically asked her not to). Because of that I limited the time I spent around her, although I never stopped DH spending time with her and encouraged him to visit solo, but DCs are very clingy to me so never went without me to see MIL.

Now that she's ill my husband keeps getting VERY angry at me that I didn't just tolerate her treatment of me, always saying "she didn't mean it like that", "she just wanted to be a hands on granny", annoyed at me that DC are much closer to my parents than MIL because we saw them more often, blames me for 'time wasted' that she could have spent more time with our DC. In my view I have never been rude to her or restricted her contact with DH or DC, just protected myself from stress and comments that I didn't like.

Unsure how to deal with this. Is he BU? Is this a natural reaction? How should I be responding? I don't feel like my mental health was or is worth sacrificing just because one day she would die earlier than me, but equally I see why he's upset.

It sounds like he's taking out his grief on you. I would try to take a step back and not to engage in having a reasonable discussion when he's talking like that.

He is feeling guilty that he didn't do more and putting it onto you. You are not responsible for how often he went to see her. I assume she could also have come to your house if DH had wished to invite her more?

It is only natural that he feels sad, angry and guilty though, he is grieving, and these are different stages of grief that he will go through.

Of course it's unfair but I suspect he's just angry with the world just now, sadly you're the one there. I was a bit the same with OH when my parents died, it passed and he knew it was because I was hurting.

In any relationship there are two people involved, both have a part to play in making it a success.

You did what you needed in the face of unreasonable behaviour. His mum didn't make an effort to modify her behaviour in response. The expectation was solely on your shoulders. That's not reasonable.

Your DH is going through a pre grief phase and it's understandable he's feeling frightened and angry, but he has no right to take it out on you. I've been where he is and it does feel like a ground rush of panic and emotions.

I would make it clear you're there to support him but you're not a scapegoat. That he cannot use you as an emotional punchbag.

This isn’t an argument that you can win or should try to win.

His view of the past is naturally going to be clouded by the present and he’s unfairly taking it out on you rather than directing guilt to himself eg he could have taken the kids to her house on his own.

You know what the truth is but you need to take a step back from the accusations because you don’t want him making rash decisions at a time when his emotions are running high.

He’s angry because she is dying. People often feel guilty they haven’t done enough and he probably is very sad that his children didn’t have a close relationship with her. Sad for him, his mother and the children.

It’s the ‘anger’ stage of grief

Totally normal but not always right

This is not the time to argue with him, just give him some space. If it persists, maybe you can gently suggest some grief counselling and give him a space to process out all the various regrets he will inevitably have, and hopefully come to realise that there is nothing to be gained by blaming you for things he was ok with at the time

But how do I do this? For example, a typical conversation / what happened last night:

I had just made us a lasagne and we're talking about the fact that each country seems to have a similar style dish: lasagne in Italy, moussaka in Greece, shepherds pie in UK and he was saying there's a similar one in Spain, he is Spanish. Suddenly out of nowhere "my mum used to make an amazing one but of course the kids have never tried it because we've barely visited my mum as you were always too precious around her. Could have just realised she never meant any harm and ignored comments you don't like"

Or another trend recently:
Making any parenting decisions, even something minor like what books to buy DC. Naturally DH talks about his childhood, I talk about mine, what books we enjoyed etc. He will bring up what an amazing mum MIL was to him and what a great granny she wanted to be and would have been, if I wasn't so 'closer off' or 'easily offended'.

Yeah she could have come to visit us but recently it's been difficult with her illness. And pre-illness any time she'd come, if she was being rude (for example asking why I'm still breastfeeding my baby at 6 months) I would make plans to go out if she's visiting. Kids would go out with me because it was easier for me and him that way.

It does sound like you have been unpleasant. You say you haven't restricted her access to the children but also say you haven't spent time with her and your children are clingy to you. So you have restricted access.

Instead if just ignoring silliness, you made it an excuse to keep your children away and now your dh is upset which is understandable.

He should have addressed it before now though. Keeping a partner away from their family or making is difficult for them to maintain good relationships is v controlling.

My Advice, agree away with your Husband saying, I know she wasnt so bad, poor woman, doesnt deserve this end etc etc.

Bring the kids to see her, Speak kindly about her, Hold his hand and get through it.

I know exactly where you were coming from, you did nothing wrong, but no point getting defensive about it it now.

This absolutely.

I would explain you're sorry and it's a shame you can't go back in time to change things.
Could you line up a visit to see her with your husband and children?

So I should have just sat there and taken it when my MIL is criticising me for the way I feed my kids? When she told 32 week pregnant me that I've done a terrible thing having my kids so close together? When she made condescending remarks like "hopefully you'll understand when the kids are a bit older" about how I parent them? When she completely ignores it when I ask her not to feed my children sweets and cake right before bedtime? When she speaks rudely about me to my children?

I mean, surely he could have brought thus up beforehand? Its a bit late to moan about it now. My MIL is quite critical of my DS2 and he avoids her but he is old enough for me to make him chat to her or at least sit with her. It's not up to you to force a relationship on your children. He should have insisted that the children visit if he wanted that. He is likely grieving and feeling guilty about not doing that.

You said you took your kids out whenever she was going to visit. That means you prevented them getting to know each other.

Where your husband in all this?

Christ alive, his mother is dying. Give him a break.

Well if your dh had spent more time with his kids they'd have been less clingy to you and he could have made sure they spent time with his mum, by taking them to see her, or by inviting her to you and then looking after them while you went out.

It also wasn't up to you to ignore her comments, it was up to your dh to make her see that her comments were wrong and up to her to stop making them.

I think you need to tell dh to stop taking his grief out on you, and accept that he was responsible for facilitating the relationship between his kids and their grandma. On repeat if he's being nasty - "you're their Dad, she's your Mum, it was your job not mine"

Visited her with the kids. She literally said to my face "I think DD has your husband's colourings thank goodness!" and "so lucky they both take after him in terms of height, because it'd be terrible if they were small like [me]". My husband said that she meant something else and it was lost in translation

*where was your husband in all this?

The best response to anything he says like that is a non-response.

Hmm.
Yes that was a possibility
Gosh!
It's difficult isn't it

I also did not get on with my in laws.

I made very clear to my then DH that he was welcome to go and see them as much as he wanted, and they were welcome to come and stay with us as long as he did all the cooking,laundry etc.

He very rarely (like once a year) made the effort and the kids generally didn't want to go because they weren't great grandparents.

He also blamed me.

I don't think you're being completely honest about your intentions with the kids and absolutely alienated them from their GM. Did you actually ever try to leave them with your DH when his mother was visiting?

I agree with not putting up with every comment made but there could have been an inbetween here. You sound pretty heartless towards her.

@Ash099 he normally just sat through her rude remarks and said "oh it's just the way she is" "she wants to be an involved granny" when she criticised my parenting choices or went against what I've asked her (not) to do. "She's just very emotional" when she started shouting at me for not wanting a c section.