MIL dying, husband angry at me for not being closer to her

[alicedbr]

MIL has a terminal illness and it's looking like she won't be with us for much longer. Understandably DH is beside himself, he is very close to his mum and an only child.

I've never got on with my MIL as I feel like she's always given unsolicited advice, tried to get over involved in my parenting and in our relationship with DH (examples: got very offended that I didn't want to have a C section as she advised, said things like "mummy isn't being very nice" to my DS when I was attempting to put him down for a nap that he was resisting, given cake to DD "because it's what grannies do" when I specifically asked her not to). Because of that I limited the time I spent around her, although I never stopped DH spending time with her and encouraged him to visit solo, but DCs are very clingy to me so never went without me to see MIL.

Now that she's ill my husband keeps getting VERY angry at me that I didn't just tolerate her treatment of me, always saying "she didn't mean it like that", "she just wanted to be a hands on granny", annoyed at me that DC are much closer to my parents than MIL because we saw them more often, blames me for 'time wasted' that she could have spent more time with our DC. In my view I have never been rude to her or restricted her contact with DH or DC, just protected myself from stress and comments that I didn't like.

Unsure how to deal with this. Is he BU? Is this a natural reaction? How should I be responding? I don't feel like my mental health was or is worth sacrificing just because one day she would die earlier than me, but equally I see why he's upset.

This.

I notice that many men don't make the effort to build relationships between their DC and their own parents.

DH could have done any number of things to encourage that closeness, but didn't.

He's projecting his guilt.

I'd let it slide as a passing phase of grief... there would be a point at which I wouldn't continue to let it slide if it carried on but that would be a little while yet.

I would deflect attention back to the matter though rather than just accept it like "I'm sorry that you feel that's the case, it wasn't my intention, I know you're hurting at the moment understandably...

• how can I support you with that?
• what would help with that right now?
• do you want to talk about that (the pain and grief)?

Seriously resd the Toxic Inlaws by Susan Forward. Ive seen it recommended on here fir years, ignored it as thought it would be woo woo self-help.

Just read it now, wish I'd read it years ago. Gives perspective in a good way.

TBF the responsibility to ensure the kids had a relationship with her is on DH. But it's easier to project. He could have kept the older kid home whilst you left with bf baby. He could have done more to work on the kids clinginess but I'm guessing mostly it was convenient to him that you have to be where the kids are

It's sounds like you did your best to protect yourself from your MIL's unkindness, I wouldn't have sat and listened to that kind of shit either.
Your DH had plenty of opportunity to mediate between you both before she got ill, he should have stepped up and asked her keep her nose out and be nicer to you.
And it is totally down to him that your DC don't have much of a relationship with her, he could've taken them to visit her without you being present.

He knows all this and is full of regret as it's too late now. But it's easier to blame you than accept personal responsibility, especially when he is grieving.

I’d have done the same for the sake of peace and avoided her. Otherwise, if you’d challenged her it would have turned into a screaming match by
the sounds of her.

your DH a should have spoken to her and advised her to stop if she wanted to be involved your life. He also should have taken the children to see her, if she’d been a granny at all they’d have been desperate to go even without you.

he’s passing his guilt on to you as he knows he hasn’t done the right thing.

just because someone is I’ll it doesn’t make them a nice person.

id go with him to see her and take the children with you, however, I wouldn’t put up with any more sarky remarks. Just nip them in the bud by saying I know that you’re hurting but I think you’re being very unfair on me and I need it to stop.

It sounds like there was wrong on all sides and that was allowed to escalate sadly. He is now reflecting on things and understandably is hurt about how things ended up.

When close family dies people often do reflect on existing relationships - it’s the time when people are most likely to leave unfulfilling relationships. It seems like you didn’t really make an effort with his mum, didn’t try to faciliate the relationship between her and your kids by making them go with dad, and are now getting defensive, blaming him when he’s grieving and his mum is dying instead of trying to faciliate some kind of relationship now. You come across so selfish and honestly if he were my friend I’d be advising him to leave you for his peace of mind.

He's upset and grieving. For the relationship that could have been and the inability to change that now.
He's in the anger stage and is angry at you because the alternative is for him to be angry at his mother. Who is dying.

Yes you're right OP, she was unreasonable and shouldn't have treated you like that and he should have intervened more strongly. But being right isn't what's needed at the moment.

Just show some empathy, if he talks about the Spanish lasagne and says you should have been more understanding or whatever. Meet him halfway and acknowledge what's behind this statement. "it must be so hard thinking we'll never get to eat that spanish dish again" or "I know it must be so upsetting to think she won't see the kids grow up"

You don't need to agree she was a wonderful person, you just need to acknowledge his emotions and feelings about it all. He is hurting and doesn't know where to direct it. He's your husband, maybe cut him a bit of slack during this difficult period. You can deal with the underlying issues at a later point

OK, then

"I'm sorry your mum is ill. I'm sorry you're hurting. I don't think talking about this is helpful when you're so upset. Tell me what you want to be doing now to make the most of your time with her and I will support you".

Yes I mean these aren't nice things to say but the woman is DYING she might not be behaving fully in character. More importantly if you just encouraged him to take the kids and don't go yourself, you wouldn't have to hear them.

Listen in-laws can be infuriating and it's hard to forgive and forget - things that sound small to others can be really hurtful. But she's dying, it's not the time to stick to exactly what's fair/right. I second a PP suggestion that he go round with the kids and they maybe write down some of her recipes? Look through family photos and write notes about who's who? You can't do that afterwards.

The way he’s talking to you is not ok - it’s understand he’s upset but not that he’s blaming you. You also did nothing wrong by excusing yourself from a situation where someone was repeatedly being rude to you. I would probably initially try to just say something like ‘ok, I can see you’re upset, I’ll give you some space but I’m here if you want to talk’ but if he kept blaming me I’d say it was unacceptable and that it wasn’t my fault his mother was rude and he didn’t step in to see her more with the children without you.

But honestly if he called me a precious princess or something sneery like that I’d tell him to fuck off.

I had this. My MIL was an absolute bitch towards me yet DH defended her to the end. I don’t think she ever said anything nice to me in the 38 years before she died. I was forced to help nurse her at the end, I wish I had just said no.

We have something similar here with FIL, who is very difficult, and nearing the end. I've also always had somewhat of an arms length relationship.

What I'm doing is just being very kind to DH, taking care of everything at home so that he has all the time to see him. Being very interested and supportive for any updates etc. The way I see it is that there's absolutely no point being difficult now, just go with it, make the end as easy as possible for DH and I'll just keep my feelings to myself, what good would anything else do?

I wonder what your MIL’s side of the story is also I can’t get over the sentence where you said you never stopped your husband from seeing his mother, how generous of you.

It's difficult, because he's obviously worried, grieving and angry. However, I would find it very difficult having someone shout at me that I was a "Precious Princess". It's insulting, and I would not want this to become an entrenched idea that I was to blame for everything.

I think if he's being abusive I would calmly say "I appreciate that you are upset about your Mother, but I'm not your whipping boy, and I'm not having you shout insults at me. You always had the option to take the children to see her and spend time with her - as indeed she had the option to speak pleasantly to me. I really don't want to argue with you whilst she is ill and you are upset, so I think you need to focus on doing what you can for her now, rather than heaping all the blame on me for the lack of relationship she built with me and her grandchildren'

If he continues I'd walk out of the room every time.

I think OP is getting a very hard time. I am a grandmother and so are a lot of my friends. No one I know would tell child or child’s partner to have a C section or give a bottle. If I gave my grandchildren cake before bed I would be shown the door. It was the OPs husbands job to speak up against his mother.

He's angry because he's grieving and it's usually not productive to try to have reasonable discussions in circumstances. But it might help for you to think whether he has any sort of a point and to apologise if you think he might have. For example-did you do anything to help him take the children to visit his mother? I'm not saying that you should have had more to do with her, of course....

Honestly, I don't understand posters saying you were wrong. Why is it always the woman's job to be a doormat for the sake of family relationships. That's so messed up and not what we should be teaching our daughters 🙄

Your DH could have made more effort to build the relationship between her and the DC if it was that important to them both. Instead you're being thrown under the bus by his guilt.

Think of it this way, if you'd taken the terrible advice on here of just sucking it up, what more damage could she have done to your MH and your relationship. She didn't get a chance because you didn't give it to her. When thinking about what's been missed out on, remember also the bullets that have been dodged.

He sounds like he's looking for a fight and is feeling guilty. I'd just shut down the conversation if he starts and say you're there to support him and you know he's hurting but you're not going to be a scapegoat for blame.

@alicedbr So when she visited you went out and took the children?

I’d cut him some slack for the moment but not forever. To be fair though the thing about the kids being clingy sounds a bit pathetic. You could have done more so your H could facilitate a relationship with them with his mum even if you wanted nothing to do with her, which is understandable and fine.

Just tell him every single time that it was his choice not to take the kids to visit her and make sure they had a relationship.
Also that you don’t have to accept rudeness from anybody and the ‘way she is’ excuse doesn’t stand. Tell him that if he was that bothered about the relationship it was on him to make her act politely, not just ignore her rudeness and then blame you.

Next time your husband says something as unpleasant as you are hearing from him, tell him straight that he is being ridiculously unfair and unreasonable and that whilst you're prepared to let some of his comments slide due to his impending grief however you are not being responsible for her behaviour to you over the years.

If he had such a big issue over the years he should have discussed it then and not wait until she's almost no longer with you to use it as a weapon to pin the blame on you.

We don't all get on with our in laws and that's life but please stand up for yourself and tell him straight.
Once his mother passes then you still have to live with him and by the sounds of it he'll be giving you this blame for years to come.

This

That's how it reads to me too.

I understand his anger tbh. Perhaps you should try and make amends before it's too late. Grief can change a person fundamentally and he may never forgive you. I'm not saying don't have your own boundaries but I don't think you've been honest with yourself about how your own feelings towards her have impacted on their relationship.

It's not right that when she visited you took the children out. It doesn't matter how you try and justify it.

You can't just put up with shit from people because they might die one day. We're all going to die.
And your DH might be grieving but he has absolutely no right to be horrible to you.
His mother would have enjoyed a closer relationship with her grandchildren if she'd treated their mother with kindness and respect.

I am quite old school and sometimes yes you do have to be the bigger person. My in laws have done and said lots of daft annoying things over the years and on one occasion massively let us down. When you have babies and young children it’s all very intense and yes sorry but many new parents are quite precious I know I was and the nct friends whip up the outrage a the baby groups. . Once they and you are older and you are out of that stage you see the bigger picture. Not sure what you can do now though.