MIL dying, husband angry at me for not being closer to her

[alicedbr]

MIL has a terminal illness and it's looking like she won't be with us for much longer. Understandably DH is beside himself, he is very close to his mum and an only child.

I've never got on with my MIL as I feel like she's always given unsolicited advice, tried to get over involved in my parenting and in our relationship with DH (examples: got very offended that I didn't want to have a C section as she advised, said things like "mummy isn't being very nice" to my DS when I was attempting to put him down for a nap that he was resisting, given cake to DD "because it's what grannies do" when I specifically asked her not to). Because of that I limited the time I spent around her, although I never stopped DH spending time with her and encouraged him to visit solo, but DCs are very clingy to me so never went without me to see MIL.

Now that she's ill my husband keeps getting VERY angry at me that I didn't just tolerate her treatment of me, always saying "she didn't mean it like that", "she just wanted to be a hands on granny", annoyed at me that DC are much closer to my parents than MIL because we saw them more often, blames me for 'time wasted' that she could have spent more time with our DC. In my view I have never been rude to her or restricted her contact with DH or DC, just protected myself from stress and comments that I didn't like.

Unsure how to deal with this. Is he BU? Is this a natural reaction? How should I be responding? I don't feel like my mental health was or is worth sacrificing just because one day she would die earlier than me, but equally I see why he's upset.

Supporting someone in their grief does not mean you have to be their punching bag. You were right not to tolerate your MIL’s unpleasantness and you do not have to tolerate your DH’s temper tantrums - dying mother or not.

Your MIL chose to be nasty and your DH chose to stick up for her and not for you and now they must both live with the consequences of their actions.

When your DH is calm, I would raise this with him and tell him that while you understand he is grieving you are not his whipping boy and will not accept him directing his anger at you. If he is not careful, he will lose both his mother and his wife.

It's really hard being a MIL as you will eventually find out. If you're the mum of the DH, the DW's parents are always better, closer, more helpful - first choice. Both sides make mistakes, take offence, say the wrong thing. Not always but often. And the language issue doesn't help - my MIL came from a different culture and sometimes (often!) said things that sounded harsh or offensive when said in English.

But never doubt that she loves your DH and your children. She's probably a bit jealous too - you've got her son. And she's bought up her children, so thinks she knows it all. It's a cliche, but 'be kind'. You're the winner in this - you're the future and she's the past.

And now she dying and your DH is grieving. One day that could be you and how would you hope your DILs or SILs would behave? You might think you will never behave like your MIL but you will say/do the wrong thing - that's just the circle of life.

I was happier when I let the issues go, supported my husband and my children in their relationship with their grandmother and didn't sweat the small stuff. I will also always be grateful that my (now long deceased) MIL brought up my husband to be the lovely man he is. And if you love your husband, surely you have to admit she did some things right?

@alicedbr I think this is the issue with putting this in AIBU rather than on the Relationships board. You could literally say she set me on fire and people on this board would say of course you deserved it. You were right to do what you did, the consequences are she is not close to the children.

It can't be so hard being an MIL that you make nasty comments about someone's weight or saying Mummy is mean etc. What a load of absolute bollocks.

Oh, that changes things completely. Sorry, I didn't realise your children were still so young. FFS, I hate to tell him this but they won't remember her anyway and they probably wouldn't have eaten her lasagna.

When people are dying you tell all sorts of white lies to make the grieving feel better. "She was a wonderful person" "He had so many friends" etc etc.

Sure she was a bitch. But digging in your heels about it helps no one. "Winning" an argument over a dying woman is not much of a victory.

Ditto. I wouldn't be putting up with this behaviour, it's unacceptable.

You can tell exactly which posters are, or are going to be, the horrific MILs who don’t have close relationships with their grandchildren because they can’t hold their vicious tongues long enough to show basic decency to their DILs.

She's lived here since her 20s, barely has an accent so there is not much 'translation' going on. Her English is good enough for her to have worked as a translator in the UK

I think this is a really good way of putting it. He probably knows deep down his mother was nasty to you. And perhaps feels guilty that he didn’t do more to facilitate her relationship with the children - you said it was easier for him as well as you if you took the children with you when you went out, so it sounds like he didn’t object at the time. But he’s probably not ready to admit that all now - he didn’t before, so why would he now with the added emotion of her dying? You don’t need to accept him insulting you, but I would perhaps avoid picking a full on battle about it right now - the walking out of the room strategy is a good one. It will need properly addressing when the time is more appropriate though - you can’t go through life accepting his narrative that you were in the wrong for not letting his mother treat you like shit.

Yes, so much this. 'Omg it's soooo hard being a MIL! Why does my DIL hate me and stop me seeing my grandkids? All I did was call her fat for several years and undermine her parenting in front of her children!' ABSURD behaviour

And now she dying and your DH is grieving. One day that could be you and how would you hope your DILs or SILs would behave? You might think you will never behave like your MIL but you will say/do the wrong thing - that's just the circle of life.

Berating the wife for not having a c-section or for having her children “too close together”? Trying to feed a breastfed baby formula when the wife is not around? If the OP behaves like this towards her DIL then she too will deserve to be kept at arms length!

You might do. I don't. I don't lie, but I would keep the truth quiet ie say nothing either way. I definitely wouldn't be apologising when I had nothing to apologise for, or excusing poor behaviour from MIL then or DH now.

I agree. You could either have stood up for yourself or just shrugged it off. Why all the drama? All grandparents like to think the grandchild takes after their side of the family, most families put their two penn'worth in...so what? It was unkind to take the children out with you when she visited and so unnecessary, particularly when stuff probably got lost in translation.

This is the best response IMO.

OP when MIL visited and you took the children out, how did that happen? You said it was 'easiest' but was your DH encouraging it at the time or just went along with it? Was he completely passive and expected you to facilitate the relationship between DC and MIL, or did he take on quite a burden trying to keep everyone happy and possibly feels you didn't do enough to stop the children being clingy etc? Your posts suggest the former, especially as it doesn't seem he ever spoke to MIL to explain that her behaviour was not OK and upsetting you.

As an only child, he doesn't have siblings to share the grief with and he knows that you as his partner don't have a positive relationship with his DM, so that's very tough and he probably feels quite alone.

I agree with this. Perhaps if he'd been a more hands on father the children would not have been so clingy? He could have then parented his own children and spent time building their relationship with his mother. It sounds like he wanted you to do all the work in facilitating that relationship and is now feeling guilty.

Unless you physically stopped him from taking the DC to his mother or stopped him from having a relationship with her then it's on him.

Relationships are a two way street, and unfortunately people do become ill and people do pass away but fear of that should not mean we put up with poor treatment "just in case".

In this instance I would refuse to take the blame. I appreciate that PPs are saying he deserves a break but if left unchecked he will continue to harangue the OP about this and build a narrative that is potentially untrue. I say this as someone who lost a parent not too long ago: my relationship with my parent was my responsibility, and any guilt I may or may not feel about that relationship is mine to bear.

It's a shame your husband didn't step in. Maybe he felt he couldn't because his mums way of talking is her usual self.. babies were formula fed more in the past? Maybe she was only re-iteraring her own experiences. I agree with people saying you can't be so sensitive, you didn't need validation from her surely

Your 4 year old (say from the age of 2 or 3) could have started to get to know granny if you had wanted

Remember your dh had years to prompt his dm to stop being disrespectful to his dw. He chose not to.. My ils came every week on a Monday. At 8 20 am. If they came another day also I went about my usual business.. If that meant taking the dc out then so be it. I actually wanted to do things with the dc myself!! Maybe if your dh had been a bit more involved with his dc they would have happily accompanied him to his dps home without you.

Absolutely fine for the OP to establish boundaries for herself. Absolutely not fine for her to prevent her OP from making a relationship between his children and his mother.

"Oh, hello, MIL. I'm just going out-have fun with OH and the children."
Sorted.

My DH was had terrible anger when FIL was sick / died this year. It almost finished us. He had a difficult childhood & so much trauma was unearthed. With your DH being an only child, he wouldn’t have brothers & sisters to lean on, hence you copping so much blame. It’s an awful time for all of you.

I am also very surprised at these comments. I won't be a doormat to someone who makes horrible comments or let them roll off me. If she has a poor relationship then those are the consequences of her actions. Your husband should have facilitated a better relationship or told her to stop being so nasty rather than using the typical, that's just how she is.

It is very sad that she is dying and your husband probably needs to see a therapist to work through this. But equally while grieving is hard, you don't get to lash out at people either. It isn't fair.

If you think OP was unkind for taking (very young) children with her when she went out, do you also accept that MIL was unkind for calling OP fat, criticising her for not having a c section, trying to feed a breastfed baby formula, etc?

If not, why are those things ok? And if you agree that MIL was also unkind, why is OP solely to blame for their poor relationship?

I wouldn't want my kids around this woman either, god knows what she'd be saying about OP when she isn't there if she says things like 'Mummy is mean' when she is in front of her.

She didn’t prevent him. Why didn’t he work on his relationship with HIS OWN KIDS when he realised they were unhappy to be left with him?!

I think there's a fundamental mismatch between MILs and DILs. As a Mil, the instinct is to welcome the DIL into your family, and treat her like the rest of your children. And unsolicited advice is part and parcel of bringing up children, difficult to shake off just because they're now adult. As a Dil, you don't feel part of this alien family.

So I think MILs need to welcome their DIL as family, but treat them as a guest (a difficult balancing act), and DILs need to start from the assumption that their MIL means well until conclusively proved otherwise.