MIL dying, husband angry at me for not being closer to her

[alicedbr]

MIL has a terminal illness and it's looking like she won't be with us for much longer. Understandably DH is beside himself, he is very close to his mum and an only child.

I've never got on with my MIL as I feel like she's always given unsolicited advice, tried to get over involved in my parenting and in our relationship with DH (examples: got very offended that I didn't want to have a C section as she advised, said things like "mummy isn't being very nice" to my DS when I was attempting to put him down for a nap that he was resisting, given cake to DD "because it's what grannies do" when I specifically asked her not to). Because of that I limited the time I spent around her, although I never stopped DH spending time with her and encouraged him to visit solo, but DCs are very clingy to me so never went without me to see MIL.

Now that she's ill my husband keeps getting VERY angry at me that I didn't just tolerate her treatment of me, always saying "she didn't mean it like that", "she just wanted to be a hands on granny", annoyed at me that DC are much closer to my parents than MIL because we saw them more often, blames me for 'time wasted' that she could have spent more time with our DC. In my view I have never been rude to her or restricted her contact with DH or DC, just protected myself from stress and comments that I didn't like.

Unsure how to deal with this. Is he BU? Is this a natural reaction? How should I be responding? I don't feel like my mental health was or is worth sacrificing just because one day she would die earlier than me, but equally I see why he's upset.

I disagree - the part 'when she speaks rudely about me to my children' leapt out at me. That is not acceptable, that is a hill I would die on - having been on the receiving of that as a child I would not tolerate someone doing that to my child. It was incredibly confusing and upsetting.

There’s also consequences to asserting boundaries, as OP is discovering. Her marriage may already have suffered irreparably- if you follow this advice it definitely will.

I think this thread serves as a warning to all of those who advise NC or rush into it too quickly. The majority of time the best thing to go is pick your battles, don’t be a pushover but also accept that your in-laws will always have different views to you and that’s ok. Me and my ILs get on really well but they’ve certainly wound me up at times and I’m sure I have them, things that are important have been discussed and then put aside things that are just their way and minor have been ignored-mostly I can’t even remember them now.

This

He resents you and perceives that you are the reason the kids didn’t get to know his mum like they did your mum. Now it’s too late to change that.
I don’t think you can change his opinion at the moment but you can always remind him of your reasons when it comes up.
Maybe suggest some grief counselling so he has someone independent to sound off to?

You didn't and don't get along. She was not nice to you; I suspect she would say the same thing to you. But for the fact of DH, you wouldn't even know each other.

Treat her in her terminal illness as anyone else you don't get along with, and your DH as you would anyone dealing with the death of a loved parent. Deflect any comments aimed at you onto neutral ground. Bite your tongue, not for your MIL's sake but for your DH's.

When the time is right, which may not be for years to come, you can address it with your DH. She wasn't nice to you, but she was his mum - and that you didn't deserve to be on the receiving end of his anger. Now isn't the time to address it, you'll only make things worse and it wouldn't be sympathetic to your DH (and no, she wasn't sympathetic to you but you're not a child and you can choose how you react).

I really suspect she wasn’t a wonderful mother, that’s just the family script. This will be fuelling some of the anger. But your H will never talk to you about it because it feels disloyal. Has he any other friends or family he might talk to about this?

My Advice, agree away with your Husband saying, I know she wasnt so bad, poor woman, doesnt deserve this end etc etc.

Bring the kids to see her, Speak kindly about her, Hold his hand and get through it.

I know exactly where you were coming from, you did nothing wrong, but no point getting defensive about it it now.

I'd do this. You did nothing wrong but he isn't in a good frame of mind to be anything but protective of her so I'd just be kind about her.

The reason we don't speak ill of the dead is more for their family than them ime. There's no love lost between you but you do seem to love him so I'd be Inclined to cultivate good relations for his sake if nothing else. Not to be insensitive but it's not going to be for long is it?

Maybe I'd add in something about how you couldn't tolerate being treated like that but you knew she had good intentions so chose to avoid rather than put yourself in a situation where you snapped and really upset her.

Sorry @alicedbr but we only have your side of the story to go on. Your MIL would likely tell a slightly different story and your husband may also not see things quite your way.
My father in law (MIL died before I met my husband) was beastly so I do very much sympathise. My husband got so cross with him (largely be because he was also ghastly to our children) that he cut off all contact and it was only because I relentlessly nagged him that he got in touch and ultimately resumed a relationship with him. I pushed for my husband to speak to his dad again 1) because I love him and thought he’d regret not doing so and 2) because I knew he would die one day and I didn’t want his ultimate triumph to be causing a permanent rift between my husband and I.
You still have time to talk to your MIL and express without blame and without responding if she blames you, your sadness that your relationship hasn’t been more close. Try to find good things about her to thank her for. Try to heal wounds. I think your husband would be grateful for that. Good luck.

Same for me. My Mum's ILs were always so horrible about her, she actually kept on taking us to visit them for years and laughed the comments off or smiled silently throughout. Eventually my Dad took us on his own, the comments continued - me and my siblings then no longer wanted to see his parents as we didn't like the comments about our Mum. Dad then blamed Mum for this (!!!!!) of course they ended up getting divorced. As an adult, I am angry only at my Dad in all this for not talking to his parents and nipping it in the bud, and very sad for my Mum that she felt she had to tolerate it for so long to maintain a relationship. It also meant that when my Dad's Mum started making nasty comments to my younger sister (about her weight, about her not going to a 'competitive university' which wasn't even true, etc) she also felt she had to tolerate it. Funny how we are all so up in arms about little kids getting bullied by their peers at school but think we have to tolerate it from family members in our own homes! Never.

No posters would be telling the OP she needed to suck it up if MIL was criticising the OP for having a csection or for formula feeding.

OP did not have to accept her MIL being a twat to her indefinitely. Verbal abuse wears a person down and it's very unhealthy and confusing for children to have someone constantly undemining thier primary caregiver.

Your DH is looking back on his mother with rose tinted glasses which is normal for people who are grieving, but it doesn't mean he gets to treat you like this. You need to tell him that he can't direct his anger at his mother's death onto you, you are his wife, not a scapegoat.

Well, yeah, it's inevitable shit like this which means I just smile and nod when dh's family make inconsequential remarks about things that make no material difference to my life. Being right doesn't trump keeping your spouses primary relationships open and as pleasant as they can be.

My MiL has similar views and makes similar comments. I hate it. But she loves her grandchildren so I make sure she sees them and they now have a great relationship. I can see why you feel the way you do but I think you should have made more of an effort.

Nothing you can do now except wait for your DH to get through this period of grief.

Op my mil annoys the hell out of me. She's says some pretty awful things but honestly she's just daft and doesn't think before she opens her gob. Dh has pulled her up if she's been rude but mostly I just tell her if she upsets me. If I didn't want to see her and I put some boundaries in place my dh would have supported that.

I'd never ever have got in the way of her having a relationship with my dh and our children. You going out and taking the dc with you when she visited is just as bloody awful as the things you've told us she's said to you.

You're going to see a whole lot of resentment coming your way from dh.

I’d be saying, I never stopped YOU from visiting. I never stopped YOU from having a close relationship with her. I just chose not to take the abuse and I won’t take it from you. Then walk away.

When someone very close is dying the grieving often starts before they actually die.
I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong and if you had smiled, nodded, agreed with all your MIL’s unreasonable comments it wouldn’t change the fact that she’s dying and your DH is angry because of that.
For now I’d go along with the suggestion @Octavia64 makes, non committal , neither agreeing nor disagreeing. He’ll work through his grief eventually. IF he returns to his normal self fine, but if he continues to pick on you, blame you etc.. then you have a husband problem.

Just remembered quite a funny detail. When she found out I had a vaginal birth with my first she shouted "can you imagine what you just put DH through? Just have a C section and it'll be less traumatic for him and you". He didn't go down to the business end. I didn't force him to be present at the birth (he wanted to)

I think her being Spanish is relevant
I have German relatives and in European cultures they are a lot more direct than we are.

OP, I started this thread on your side, but you've asked if you're being unreasonable yet completely unable to enter into a debate about it – why bother asking? Every post is simply more examples rather than actually talking about it. If you only want responses on how to deal with your husband then be clear on that.

If you can't distract him from attacking you I'd just keep repeating something like 'I understand you're upset and sad and I want to support you but I'm not having this discussion'.

Maybe he does hold resentment, maybe he really does feel you didn't allow the children to have a relationship with their Grandmother, maybe he feels you think you and you alone get to make decisions about the children and didn't allow him to take the children to see his Mum. Maybe he is right or maybe he is wrong but the man is watching his Mum die, don't make it all about you !

You also sound very angry OP. You may have good reason but do you honestly think your DH is suddenly going to turn to you and say "my god - you're right, my mother is a bitch and everything you ever did wife was perfect"? It's never going to happen - so you either find a way to listen to what he is actually trying to tell you through the anger or carry on berating him whilst he's trying to deal with the death of a parent. You don't appear to have gone through the loss of a parent yet. When it happens to you, you might be a bit ashamed about how you are behaving now. And be warned this turmoil doesn't stop when they die. If your DH has to sort out the estate this will go on for months if not years. Are you prepared to carry on being this angry for a very long time?

But the examples are relevant - each one shows OP's MIL is a nasty bully and not just making harmless comments here and there. Useful read for the supercilious thick skinned posters who seem to think they're immune to ever being upset or bullied themselves

I hate this in families where one person gets given a free pass to say whatever offensive thought comes into their head (your MIL) then if the person being offended dares to react then they are seen as the problem. Why does your DH think it was ok for her to continuously offend you?
I don’t think anyone should have to put up with someone being continuously horrible to them just because they are family. The way I see it your MIL didn’t care you were family when she was being a bitch, so why should you put up with it just because she’s family, it’s a 2 way street.

I've read all of your updates OP and don't even know why you are doubting yourself. She sounds like she was an absolute witch to you and her impending death doesn't change that.

And how did you not just laugh off the ridiculousness of the statement?