MIL dying, husband angry at me for not being closer to her

[alicedbr]

MIL has a terminal illness and it's looking like she won't be with us for much longer. Understandably DH is beside himself, he is very close to his mum and an only child.

I've never got on with my MIL as I feel like she's always given unsolicited advice, tried to get over involved in my parenting and in our relationship with DH (examples: got very offended that I didn't want to have a C section as she advised, said things like "mummy isn't being very nice" to my DS when I was attempting to put him down for a nap that he was resisting, given cake to DD "because it's what grannies do" when I specifically asked her not to). Because of that I limited the time I spent around her, although I never stopped DH spending time with her and encouraged him to visit solo, but DCs are very clingy to me so never went without me to see MIL.

Now that she's ill my husband keeps getting VERY angry at me that I didn't just tolerate her treatment of me, always saying "she didn't mean it like that", "she just wanted to be a hands on granny", annoyed at me that DC are much closer to my parents than MIL because we saw them more often, blames me for 'time wasted' that she could have spent more time with our DC. In my view I have never been rude to her or restricted her contact with DH or DC, just protected myself from stress and comments that I didn't like.

Unsure how to deal with this. Is he BU? Is this a natural reaction? How should I be responding? I don't feel like my mental health was or is worth sacrificing just because one day she would die earlier than me, but equally I see why he's upset.

That's down to him. He could have kept the children back with him

Sounds like a difficult situation. FWIW now that my MIL has died I do wish I had made more effort to ignore her being difficult (we never avoided her but DH and I both used to get irritated). I realise thought thats a lot easier to think when she’s not actually around to remind me of how difficult she was.

I would try not to engage or argue about all this- it’s grief talking. Can you try to be positive- encourage and support him to spend as much time with her now and to take the kids if that’s appropriate.

He should have supported you of course.
But it don't think it is right to stop granny from seeing kids. Especially as your DH was her only child
In private, I would have let rip to my DH about his mother so that she stop the nonsense. And kids can have a relationship with grandparents..maybe you needed to learn to be on the sidelines when she was around and let DH deal with her

Oh, and to answer your original question - he is being unreasonable but grieving people often are.

Maybe you could say to him

Oh gosh, you are right. You should really build up the relationship between our kids and your mum. Why don't you take them to see her?

(Free clue - he won't)

I've tried to leave both of them with my husband and her. The whole time they were asking when mummy will be back, or when they were smaller, just being very unsettled until I came back. One of the times my MIL also encouraged DH to give my DD formula because she didn't like that I was ebf (not during her feeding time, just as an 'extra' that DD didn't want or need) - I only found out when I discovered MIL brought over formula bottles that were thankfully unused.

I actually think you are BU but understand why you’re frustrated. At the end of the day though, she’s family and she doesn’t have long left. Indulge her for the little time she has I say

He's lashing out because his mother is dying and I think you need to make allowances for that.

However you say that when she was well enough to visit you would take the kids out which meant they didn't see her, and when your DH visited her the kids didn't go because they were clingy to you? In that case it's true that they didn't have a chance to build a relationship with her. It's very sad and I think you need to accept why your DH is upset and cut him some slack.

Well he can view her through rose-coloured glasses all he likes...

He clearly never tried to stop her being horrible

Well said.
OP, you’ve been a lot more tolerant with your DH than I would be. I would firmly tell him I’m not listening to any more attacks on me. You understand he’s upset, but she was very rude to you several times and you would never have allowed your parents to speak to him like that.

Tbh I make it my business to ensure that I am never standing in the way of my mil seeing dh, my kids knowing their grandparents and all the bonds. Lots of chalk and cheese type muddling through here and there and an unholy amount of cake and biscuits and far too close to bedtime. Tbh I didn't like it and still don't but I let it go because family is important and I would hate to be the one kept at arms length from the next generation. You may not like mil, but you probably love your husband. He's going through the worst time. Allow him that. Yes he could have gone alone, but let's not pretend you weren't consciously preventing it.

Family life is stressful and in modern life everyone seems to think they're owed a sacred bubble. Maybe they are, but in my world we put ourselves out (and hell even go on weird holidays) so the people we love can be with the people they love.

You absolutely do not need to put up with someone being rude.

If she was really sorry about it, she would have stopped.

Whenever your DH brings it up you just say that you're sorry too that you didn't have a closer relationship, but that you never stopped your kids from spending time with her.

Definitely entirely his fault. You will have to find some way to get him back. Perhaps humiliate him on public?

I hope this is a joke.

He's not being rational so there's little point in responding rationally. He's hurting, he's feeling guilty, he's scared - that your children won't remember her, that he will have to cope without her, that he's somehow contributing/contributed to her pain.

Given your example from last night maybe a response (in a friendly tone, don't rise to his anger) along the lines of "oh that's lovely- do you have a recipe or does your mother still have one? Maybe you could try to make it for her or with the kids, and you could eat it together?

Is there anything else you remember her making that you'd like to make for her?

That sort of thing

Suddenly out of nowhere "my mum used to make an amazing one but of course the kids have never tried it because we've barely visited my mum as you were always too precious around her. Could have just realised she never meant any harm and ignored comments you don't like"

tbh i am with him. The kids too clingy to you beyond toddlerhood is a poor excuse and poor ol MIL so wanting to be a granny and you, as it appears, blocking her.

So basically? you'll have to suck it up until his grief subsides. And sure the examples from the OP are nothing near enough for you to have blocked your kids from seeing her.

I would not entertain this nonsense, I would tell him to sod off. I know this ks harsh, but sometimes the only way to make people snap out of shitty behaviour is to let them know in no uncertain terms that you will not accept their twatty behaviour. You can't keep indulging his outburst whether dirven by grief or not. it's always men, i don't know of any women who turn nasty when grief hits.

He has to deal with his grief but he cannot keep being horrible to the mother of his children. Get him told.

MN always encourages women to set boundaries. You did that in order to protect yourself.

DH is understandably lashing out, but he needs counselling to deal with this so that he doesn't take it out on you.

You are not responsible for the way that his mother behaves and it was her own behaviour that limited her time with the DC .

all very minor stuff that you could/should have nipped in the bud. You did the lazy comfortable thing, i think.

And sure, your DH could have pushed more - but be honest with yourself here if not with us. You wouldn't have liked him taking them to visit her without you?

Well it does sound like you did your utmost to keep your children away from her because she pissed you off. So own it, it's too late to change it now.

Thing is, he started getting VERY angry. And I did sort of say "aw how about we go eat some together with your mum? Can I make it?"
NO IT WONT BE THE SAME! SHE COULD HAVE COOKED IT BUT YOU WERE TOO FOCUSED ON BIEING A PRECIOUS PRINCESS ENSURING SHE DIDNT SAY A WORD WRONG TO YOU.

Sorry but I actually agree with your husband. She sounds mildly annoying but pretty standard behaviour for some grandmothers. I can see why your dh is upset that the kids didn't spend as much time with her as they could have because you were being a bit precious.

@Highlyflavouredgravy

"Instead if just ignoring silliness, you made it an excuse to keep your children away and now your dh is upset which is understandable."

I agree with this. It sounds as though MIL was just being a typical granny. They all poke their noses in about parenting and give GC sweets, amongst many other heinous crimes against humanity. I can understand your DH's anger on this occasion. Sounds as though you made an absolute meal of fairly standard granny comments.

Kindly, yes - you could have done. None of these things are a hill to die on, my mil has said similar things on various occasions plus worse and it has stung, but I would never have dreamed of withdrawing and restricting access to dc. You’ll never see entirely eye to eye with family, but you make an effort and tolerate small things like this because they are family. The fact she is from a different culture is also relevant, there are bound to be differences in what you see as appropriate comments or not.
I’m sorry you’re in this painful situation now, but the best thing to do is acknowledge your DH’s thoughts and show him support. He will probably apologise for some of comments when he’s hurting less. He could have been more proactive about ensuring dc spent time with her, when she was alive. Most of his anger is probably directed at himself for that.

Unfortunately your husband chose HIMSELF about you AND his mother.

If he had been genuinely concerned about the relationship he would have spoken to you both.

He is feeling guilty and is using you as his emotional punching bag for his grief.

Decide EXACTLY how much of this you are prepared to tolerate.

Perhaps visiting your family if he would like some space to grieve without picking on you.

Do not compromise your mental health because he has regrets about you not allowing his mother to bully you.

She chose to be deeply unpleasant.
He chose to excuse it.

You chose to protect yourself from his mother.

I suggest you do the same with him.

Their are sometimes consequences to being nasty and critical.

Not everyone is prepared to tolerate it.

Honestly she sounds like she's said some really hurtful things to you over the years. Obviously it's too late now but in an ideal world you'd have been able to separate the mean things she said to you from the (irritating but ultimately completely unimportant) things she did re: DC. Grannies do give cakes and sweets sometimes and don't respect bedtimes etc (ditto grandads, uncles, godmothers...). It would have been good if you'd encouraged them all to have a relationship and time with granny even if (and that would be totally understandable) without you. So what if they'd asked when you're coming back? Presumably they did this at school etc and you didn't use that as an excuse not to send them.

I think in your heart you know that you didn't encourage them to spend much time with their grandma, and also in his heart your husband knows a) why that was b) that he didn't deal with it properly by either asking his mum to behave differently or taking more initiative to get the kids and his mum together. Now she's dying and he's angry with himself and a bit with you - and he's venting to you. Unfortunately I think you just have to weather this because the things he's saying aren't unfair and he's at a shit time of his life.