MIL dying, husband angry at me for not being closer to her

[alicedbr]

MIL has a terminal illness and it's looking like she won't be with us for much longer. Understandably DH is beside himself, he is very close to his mum and an only child.

I've never got on with my MIL as I feel like she's always given unsolicited advice, tried to get over involved in my parenting and in our relationship with DH (examples: got very offended that I didn't want to have a C section as she advised, said things like "mummy isn't being very nice" to my DS when I was attempting to put him down for a nap that he was resisting, given cake to DD "because it's what grannies do" when I specifically asked her not to). Because of that I limited the time I spent around her, although I never stopped DH spending time with her and encouraged him to visit solo, but DCs are very clingy to me so never went without me to see MIL.

Now that she's ill my husband keeps getting VERY angry at me that I didn't just tolerate her treatment of me, always saying "she didn't mean it like that", "she just wanted to be a hands on granny", annoyed at me that DC are much closer to my parents than MIL because we saw them more often, blames me for 'time wasted' that she could have spent more time with our DC. In my view I have never been rude to her or restricted her contact with DH or DC, just protected myself from stress and comments that I didn't like.

Unsure how to deal with this. Is he BU? Is this a natural reaction? How should I be responding? I don't feel like my mental health was or is worth sacrificing just because one day she would die earlier than me, but equally I see why he's upset.

I think all three of you have created this situation to be honest, he never stood up for you, tried to stop her or cope with the kids without you.

Maybe see what you can do over this time (probably not easy as I suspect your children are young). But he isn’t angry about what hasn’t been done he is angry that his mum won’t get to experience your children being older and being away from you

He's out of order. His relationship with his mother and the facilitation of her relationship with your kids is on him. Unless you forbade them to see her, it's down to his own inaction that they weren't closer. It was also down to his own failure to stand up to her and impose boundaries about how she should treat you.

But he's not being entirely rational right now. Can you encourage him to do things that would help him process the grief - exercise, going to green places, writing about it, talking to a counsellor? Doing what he can to make his mum's end of life as nice as it can be. In times of grief I've sometimes just had a long drive to go and wail in a layby somewhere. Just let it out.

I think you need to try to respond to him without anger but saying you think he's unreasonable to blame you.

It is a trait many men have (and in-laws) to think women are obliged to be social glue that holds families together when men can't be arsed to do the phone calls, cards, organisation etc that makes relationships work. It's wifework and it's bullshit.

@alicedbr That does sound tricky.
As an only child your husband is having to go through the loss of his mother alone-
That won’t be easy for him.

His mum and him probably were very close growing up - it’s inevitable- especially if dad wasn’t around (?)

My own MIL could be very critical and stubborn too - but looking back, I probably was quite snappy back-
It’s a tricky situation- but when MIL died I was genuinely sad.
I too felt MIL was critical of me - she too didn’t like EBF 😂

It’s natural your husband will be upset and guilty about his mum now.

I hope things can be smoother as she is dying.
Try and make peace if at all possible.

Maybe you have been over sensitive and hard work. Your husband should have dealt with things better at the time though and mediated better or done more with your kids and mil. It sounds like he's been put in the middle though and now resents that. At this stage I think that you should make a real effort with mil in order to make things easier for your husband as he's clearly grieving.

He needs to find someone else to express these feelings of anger to. Like a grief counselor. It’s not fair to take it out on you. It will damage your marriage. I think you should tell him this. Don’t do it when he’s feeling that anger, pick a calm moment to suggest it, preferably before you go out somewhere so there’s an end to the conversation and he has space to process it. Acknowledge it must be very difficult knowing he’s about to lose his mum and realizing there’s not much time left to build the relationship between his mum and his family that he would have liked. But tell him him getting so angry with you over things you cannot change isn’t going to help that relationship either and it’s making home life hard for everyone and you think it might help for him to find an outside outlet for those feelings.

It sound like she has always been foul to you and you responded by withdrawing so she didn’t have the opportunity to treat you badly. It is very difficult with young children and babies to let someone who is treating you horribly form a relationship with them. Because you don’t trust them to treat your children well either.
There were perhaps other ways to handle things but your husband chose not to. That was his choice, not yours. You wouldn’t have improved your relationship with your MIL by putting up with her shitty opinions about you. Calling her out on them may have helped, but it may have also made things worse and more confrontational. She is an idiot if she thinks it’s ok for anyone other than a midwife or obstetrician to tell a pregnant women how she should have her baby. And no one gets a say in how a baby is fed other than its mother. She can get to fuck with trying to pressure you to stop breastfeeding, I don’t care that she’s now dying, it’s not acceptable.
I imagine, among other things, you’re actually going to feel some relief when she dies. And your husband knows that, and it’s part of what is fueling his anger now.
Your husband is grieving the relationship he wished his mother had with his family. But you do not bear the full burden of responsibility for how that relationship looked. It’s a responsibility shared between you, your husband and your mother in law and he needs to accept that to be able to get through his grief.

Could have just realised she never meant any harm and ignored comments you don't like

How dare he? Would he allow someone to do that to him? He wants you to be the punchbag now for all his emotions. Not acceptable and you shouldn't allow this just because she's terminally ill. If you do let this go, after she passes he's going to be x100 times worse and then it will be even harder to say something. I would knock this on the head right now because now will be the only time to put a stop to this. Each time you keep quiet for the sake of peace, he's feeling stronger that you are wrong and he will become worse as this progresses. Great that you have always stood up to her and didn't tolerate her nonsense.

She'd visit for the weekend. I'm there Friday night when she arrives. She'll roll her eyes when I say I'll go put my child to sleep / breastfeed. When I come out she'll make some sort of remark like "you know you'll lose weight when you stop breastfeeding?" In the morning she might make a comment that my baby wakes up at night because I don't give either child enough attention during the day because I had them too close together and now they aren't feeling loved. Would say something about that we can't all be naturals at being a mother. Might ask my husband in front of me about how he feels about the fact I don't work / am a SAHM. At that point I've had enough and will take myself to see a friend. Breastfed baby will need to come with me. Toddler would ball her eyes out until I come home unless taken with me.

And yes all of these actually happened.

Do you want to vindicate yourself or do you want to comfort him at a really difficult time?

If the latter, it won't cost you anything to express your regret/sadness that you didn't handle the relationship differently. If the former, then keep on focussing on how dreadful she was to you.

I don't like my mother in law, but I'm not sensitive so it's never been a problem. It's all water off a ducks back for me.

OP, your MIL does sound hard work, what's done is done, and there is no turning back time. I would just say to your DH that you are sorry your relationship with MIL wasn't the relationship he imagined, but life is never like one imagines. For self preservation you kept a distance, but she will have known thay she is very loved by her son, and she met her gorgeous lovely grandchildren. There's no point getting worked up over things that can't be changed.

I agree with Billy he is angry at himself that he didn't facilitate a relationship between you and his Mum, he could have stopped her comments but he didn't, he kept excusing her behaviour. She has said some horrific things and you were absolutely right to put boundaries in place. Maybe if your Dh had been a more hands on Dad the children wouldn't have constantly been asking when you were coming back. His Mother undermined your parenting, your specific requests, made horrid remarks about c sections and having children too close together, nasty comments. He chose not to stand up to her, this is now the result.

I am the child of a nasty, pernicious, snide commenting grandmother, my Dad wouldn't see her for years but my Mum kept dragging us along to see her MIL, being the dutiful DIL whilst we as children had to listen to that cow say shitty things about my Dad, but forgive her because that is the Catholic way, it's just the way she is blah blah blah. No one thinks of how damaging it is for children to see a parent excluded and know that this person hates your Mum who you love so much.

In fact my own Dad started turning nasty like she did and my own teenage child said why does Grandad talk to you like that? And that was it for me, I see him maybe once or twice a year now because he is at my sister's house and we go there for Christmas. I just try to talk to him as little as possible.

As for his comments, I would be saying I know you are hurting right now but we cannot change the past. What is done is done and you need to let me know how I can support you.

When she visited, you could have left and gone out yourself. It was really unfair to take the children with you. Did your husband not say something like this to you at the time as well?

Someone mentioned culture, and whilst rudeness should never be allowed there are some cultures that are more open and free to saying whatever, almost conversationally noting things like appearance which is unsaid of in British culture .. did you ever try to understand this. And I am assuming your DH is from that culture too, and you might have to think what values he has such as family and togetherness he had expected when he had his own children

Cannot believe these posts. No OP you did not have to tolerate all this typically horrible MIL behaviour just because she is now dying. Your husband is lashing out because he can't control anything with his Mum's terminal illness but he can control having a pop at you because he feels regret. If he wanted to push a relationship between the kids and MIL more he could've taken them to see her without you going all the time, and her being terminally ill doesn't mean she suddenly becomes an angel either.
Ignore your husband for a while, do what you can with the soothing comments as others have said, is he in counselling? I'm not sure I'd start agreeing with him about how you could've done more or made more effort etc or he might start resenting you as ultimately she is obviously going to die. Not pleasant for you to experience but he is pre-grieving his Mum so it will be rocky for a while

I would have been avoidant under these circumstances.

He has done nothing to facilitate a good relationship between his mother and the kids, despite knowing she is a snotty cow to his wife, he is saying it was your job to do every damn thing. Fuck that, I would be telling him straight he'll be losing a wife as well as a mother if he called me a princess again and kept up this bullshit.

I think it's understandable that he's lashing out and unfortunately, it's difficult because whether you want to admit it or not, you did not actively encourage or support a relationship between your MIL and your DC. My children also went through phases of not wanting to go with Dh to spend time with his side of the family. I told him, and her, that they had to do things to make it fun for the DC and continue to send them. And of course, DH kept insisting too. This isn't all on you.

Having said that, that ship has sailed. And you don't deserve this level of anger and vitriol. You could try at some point saying something like, "I'm sorry that I couldn't cope with your mum's unpleasantness to me. I wish I could have. But sweetheart, it was easier for you to see her without me OR the kids, so please stop using me as a punching bag on this".

I hate to say it though that I think this might be a longer term issue. Hopefully, he will go through this grieving process and come out more rational and calm and reasoned on the other side. But it could go either way because the truth is that he's not completely unreasonable to be a bit resentful. He's going too far, and putting ALL the blame on you, which isn't fair but you do hold some responsibility. Hopefully he'll calm down eventually and realise his mum, and him, also contributed to this situation significantly.

Ahh most people would have let these comments roll off them. You are coming across as quite a prickly person. Whether you like it or not, you have restricted your MiL's access to your family while being close to your own. And yes your DH could have taken the children on his own, but as you have not allowed that as your children are 'clingy' how could he have? My DC were clingy when young, but absolutely fine when my DH took them out on his own after a few initial whinges. I guess you reap what you sow, and your husband is realising what you have done - although to be fair he allowed it to happen so is as equally to blame.

Also just because she is dying, it doesn't negate what she did, what she said, how she said it. He has no time to redeem her character, he knows what she did and his anger is misplaced.

When she visited, you could have left and gone out yourself. It was really unfair to take the children with you

A breastfed baby?

ginasevern · Today 13:37
@Highlyflavouredgravy
"Instead if just ignoring silliness, you made it an excuse to keep your children away and now your dh is upset which is understandable."

I agree with this. It sounds as though MIL was just being a typical granny. They all poke their noses in about parenting and give GC sweets, amongst many other heinous crimes against humanity. I can understand your DH's anger on this occasion. Sounds as though you made an absolute meal of fairly standard granny comments.

His mother is dying and you're still making it all about you. You sound very defensive.
And you never stopped him going to see his mother....wow, how kind!! And what were you like when he got home, I wonder?

You talk a lot of your ebf baby and toddler but how old are they now?

I've had similar things said to me by in laws etc. I think a lot of us reading this have.
And I think boundaries are important.

However, the fact is, anything we do that affects our partner's relationship with their parent or our kids relationship with that grandparent is ultimately only going to hurt our partner most.

I've let a lot of things go and have after years, a really lovely relationship with my MIL. Each family has a culture/code of behaviour or communication and it takes time to learn each others ways.

But she probably doesn't regret how she handled it. Based on all her posts so far, she did the right thing and MIL was awful to her. I don't think she should lie just because her husband is grieving. That's not an excuse for him to be a shit to her.

4 and 2. Bfed both till 2 which annoyed MIL hugely.

I am surprised at how many people are saying you should have put up with it or that you're over sensitive.
If you've had a great relationship with your MIL then I guess it must be hard to understand how soul destroying it is to have your partners mum being extremely rude to your face, and your partner doing fuck all about it.
It's not being over sensitive or prickly, it's being a human being with feelings.

@WinterNamechange really, so the OP is meant to let the comments roll off her? FFS, no, she quite rightly established boundaries and those came with consequences, the MIL is not close to the children. My own child commented on my Dad's comments to me, hopefully the OP's children are too young to remember stuff said by their grandmother.

No one would tolerate this from a friend, why is a MIL different? It wasn't a one off, she tried to belittle the OP repeatedly, give the baby formula, made comments about skin tone and physical features, told her she was fat because she was breastfeeding and her son gave her the green light.

I am guessing your m’n’law’s first language is Spanish and her second is English. It’s likely she was brought up in a certain era / way and was just projecting that balanced with maybe not fully understanding the connotations of her words given she was speaking a 2nd language.
You get to decide how you want your boundaries and relationship with you m’n’law. You don’t need to defend your choices to strangers.
In regards to your hubby, some of what he has said is statements. You don’t have to answer statements so I would not reply to what he is saying.