To just feel so fed up and consumed with envy?

[HolyGuacamole28]

I’m mum to 2 great if sometimes pretty wild and hard work girls aged 4 and nearly 2. I’m married, my husband is self employed and works long hours. I work full time in a stressful hybrid city job. Girls are in nursery four days a week. We earn good money but things are still tight (mortgage, COL etc). I don’t have any hobbies or time to myself. I just work, do chores, manage the kids and sleep. I have SAH mum friends. They get to go to the gym, keep a tidy house and get time with their kids. Money never seems to be an issue. I don’t have a choice, I’m the main earner so I have to work FT. I hate that I’m consumed with envy at the life I have versus others - a never ending cycle of mess, stress and feeling like it could all fall over at any minute. Am I crazy? Should I count my blessings whilst losing myself a little each day?

I think it’s the ages of your children. They are such hard work at that age especially the two year old.

It won’t always be like this it will get much easier. Much. Much!

And when your children reach a certain age you will be grateful that you have your career and aren’t sat at home bored or waiting for your husband to retire so he can join you!

Id recommend dropping one day a week if possible- just to give you that time to recharge - even if it’s only for 3 months.

No. You're not crazy, but you are jealous and you can sort that out. I have a lot going on in my life too but.

Jealousy/Envy are the thieves of time.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

Regardless of you being a SAHM or working FT mum I think it is really important to have a hobby/interest. It doesn't have to be anything pricey.

For example, I'm a member of an online classics book club. There is a choice of books to read every month and some online chat / video chats which you can chose to participate in (no one hassles you).

I also do some crafts just following tutorials on youTube.

I find it makes a HUGE difference to my mental health.

It gets better, I promise.

I think the only thing worse than working a FT intense job is being a SAHM to toddlers. That’s just me but I highly doubt the grass is always greener.

I am the main earner in our household, and after having my DC I have had to go back to work full time. I don’t think I’d have done anything differently in reality, but I think it’s the fact that I didn’t have the choice that some of my friends did? I’d have loved to have dropped a day or two but it felt unfair because we’d all have had to change our lifestyle in a big way. It gets easier, as the children get older I find more and more of my friends have gone back to work, I don’t dwell on it anymore.

I think you’re right in the thick of the most difficult period with two active LOs. Most SAHMs can’t afford the gym etc, and can have quite a lonely life.

There will always be someone who has a better/ easier/ wealthier life than you. It's a waste of mental energy being envious.
Small children are hard work, but they grow up and it gets - well, different at least. One day you'll morph into a taxi service and worry about where they are and what they're doing, but at least they'll be getting themselves dressed.
Good luck with it all, it passes.

Thanks everyone. It felt good reading your replies. I’m not a nasty person, just wish I’d been dealt a different hand sometimes. Onwards.

How are they getting gym time? Not possible from what I've seen - any hobbies at all are out as no one to care for children if they did want to get a break.. The grass isn't always greener..

Because they use nursery or childminder too or their kids are at primary school. So have clawed some time back. As I said, money doesn’t seem to factor.

Honestly, OP, I’ve never envied a SAHP. I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who did it voluntarily, or for anything other than time-limited or specific reasons. Why would you want to be economically dependent on someone else? Are you in the right job?

It's a terrible idea to compare yourself to others. However, most of us do it anyway,and I totally understand how you feel! It will get easier as they get older. Equally the grass often looks greener than it is. I sometimes sigh and curse myself for not realising the key to happiness might have been marrying a nice rich man and living a life of leisure, but then again many women end up trapped and miserable in those circumstances (if anyone reading this is living a blissful life of luxury married to a nice, kind, generous, supportive and funny billionaire I'm really happy for you but keep your trap shut ;))

It is much easier being a working mum when they're older though, I promise. X

as a sahm it is not all sunshine and rainbows. i would love to get back into work. i dont appear to have money worries from the outside but i do, long term i have no idea where we’re going to end up. i have no identity outside of motherhood and have completely lost who i am. i’m overwhelmed everyday with toddler and babies being, well, toddler and babies. the grass is always greener

You are in the worst stage

Can you possibly swing more help - cleaning hours, meal service??

I've recently come to the end of a job contract so I'm now a SAHM (DC is in school) I go to the gym everyday, potter around and at the moment do not have money worries, so from the outside my life probably looks great. However I have this awful guilt almost that I'm not working, just wasting my days away doing nothing whilst other people are out there making an impact and doing something everyday. The novelty does wear off quickly and I would much prefer to be working.

You have a lot on, especially with the children at those ages, which mercifully will change. As you are the main earner, is there chance your husband could stop working early one evening (without losing too much money) to feed and put children to bed etc, to create a breathing space for yourself, whether for a hobby or class, gym or spa or to read a book or whatever? Alternatively, would it be worth stretching to pay someone to come in for a couple of hours a week to clean, tidy, launder or cook and wash up, to ease the pressure a little? Or get an au pair for a while. You will survive, as the song says but why not lessen the burden if you can at all?

I’m a SAHM to a 3yo and 1yo. My house is always a shit tip as the kids are here constantly and making meals, snacks etc all day for everyone makes SO MUCH MESS, toys everywhere I can’t keep up as I turn my back and another box of Lego is tipped out. I have no hobbies, no time for myself. Al I do is wipe bums and noses ans get screamed at.

maybe your SAHM friends have children in childcare or school…..

Being A SAHM to school aged children is very very different from being a working mum of preschoolers. You cannot compare the two.

SAHM to 2 under 3 and I envy my working friends. They have more money, more friends and are out all the time. Their time off is actually time off. I’m Mum 7 days a week and it’s exhausting! No idea how I will break back into the competitive job market either.

Maybe they envy you for having your own life and career? Grass is always greener.

I have SAH mum friends. They get to go to the gym, keep a tidy house and get time with their kids

I was a SAHM and neither went to the gym nor "kept a tidy house" because I was so busy doing stuff with my children, who were a full time occupation. My friends who had tidy houses had cleaners because they had jobs, so could afford them. The SAHMs didn't. Though this was all long before the internet and wanker "influencers" with their 'insta perfect homes'. Thank God.

I think it's more a 'lots of surplus money' thing than it is a SAHM thing.

Why would anyone who's a SAHM send their children to nursery? That's what I'd be wondering.

Don’t compare your life with theirs, on the face of it I’m a SAHM but I do work part time for myself from home, I only have 1 child not through choice and I’m older than most of my Mum friends most of whom have 2 kids and lots of family around to help, I have no family to rely on. My husband works away a fair bit and unpredictable hours so someone needs to be available for my DD.
What I’m trying to say is you don’t know someone’s story, my mum friends are alll younger than me and are in the middle of their careers whereas I was further down the line in mine so less to lose by changing direction.

id have loved to have had a couple of kids and know I had a career ahead of me after they went to school.

I think i agree...i am a stay at home mum to 2 children, youngest is 3. She had an op recently and i was able to say, right i'll keep her home from nursery until she feels better, which turned out to be three weeks. Then i was grateful for being a stay at home mum because it gave me that option. But i also get bored and resentful of not having money, and not having that financial freedom of buying myself things or having a car etc. The grass isn't always greener. As long as you have a nice nursery, it's fine. I worked in a terrible one, private and very expensive, and they were awful behind closed doors. That's why i am a stay at home mum. But if the childen are happy and it's a lovely nursery, honestly OP, they will thrive. Enjoy your life x

Absolutely, well said, i'm an older mum too so in the same boat.

Take solace in the fact that most people that are working feel that they too are just wasting their days, but at least you have a choice about what to do with your days and your not be stuck in a hospital/office/shop/warehouse 5 days a week :-)