To just feel so fed up and consumed with envy?

[HolyGuacamole28]

I’m mum to 2 great if sometimes pretty wild and hard work girls aged 4 and nearly 2. I’m married, my husband is self employed and works long hours. I work full time in a stressful hybrid city job. Girls are in nursery four days a week. We earn good money but things are still tight (mortgage, COL etc). I don’t have any hobbies or time to myself. I just work, do chores, manage the kids and sleep. I have SAH mum friends. They get to go to the gym, keep a tidy house and get time with their kids. Money never seems to be an issue. I don’t have a choice, I’m the main earner so I have to work FT. I hate that I’m consumed with envy at the life I have versus others - a never ending cycle of mess, stress and feeling like it could all fall over at any minute. Am I crazy? Should I count my blessings whilst losing myself a little each day?

I get it, I really do, but I think it’s all about perspective. From my perspective you’re very lucky.

I’m a single Mum to two special needs kids. My youngest (14) has always been in special education and needs a lot of extra help (plus doesn’t sleep well). Their Father chooses not to be involved apart from a phone call every now and then but I’m very lucky to have supportive parents.

I literally have no life apart from when they’re at school and then I’m mainly doing errands. But I have accepted that this is my life for now and my boys need me to be here. I feel envious when I see my friends going out and doing hobbies etc but that’s something to look forward to.

It will get better. X

I would say it ebbs and flows. You are envious now becuase you are run ragged and wish it were easier. But it absolutely does become easier in many respects when the kids start to look after themselves and you have more time for yourself. As you get older hopefully your financial situation will improve so things are more relaxed. You will have a career and interests outside of the home. I was more stressed when my kids were small, juggling a job and childcare and feeling like it was all falling apart. Now the kids are older, I am much more relaxed. I can be pickier about the work I do and I have a better work life balance. I found things could change year on year. At various points when I reduced my workload I ended up getting quite bored and actually craved being on the hamster wheel as I found myself working best when I have lots of spinning plates. Honestly we can’t win. Just try to enjoy every stage and remember it won’t be like this forever

Once your kids are in school full time life does be one easier. You can do after school club once or twice a week. Once they are both over 7 easier again.

I hate being negative but I have to disagree with the posters saying it gets easier. Now that mine are both in school, I’m finding it so much harder. Even with after school club there are so many more activities, sports, parties and play dates to accommodate. When they were in nursery and I collected them at 6pm every evening, I’d actually get some time to myself after they went to bed. These days I’m racing out to get them before 6pm to bring them to different activities, do homework etc. I don’t find myself envious of stay at home mums because that wouldn’t be for me but I’m very jealous of friends working three and four day weeks. My industry requires a 60 hour week most weeks and it does take a toll.

I guess it depends where you live and clearly do long hours it is very hard. My kids do activities most nights they can take themselves to some of them, a few I take them and the others I lift share with families. And as a result I do sometimes sit with them at 9.30-10pm at night keeping them company doing homework. I juggle my job around them doing longer days where I can but I know they can get themselves to and from school and do it is rare I’m stressing about leaving work on time. I shudder at the times years ago when there was no bus due and I knew they would be waiting and so I’d have to run the 1.5 miles to the school so I wouldn’t be late. Swings and roundabouts I guess

I would echo this. I don’t know anyone who would choose to be a SAHM.

It is the age your children are that makes it so hard. As everyone has said, it gets so much easier. Can you look at this time of your life as time limited and embrace it? Just work and family for a while? In terms of money, can you look for another higher paid role if you are feeling the pinch?

Hang in there. It sounds like you need to find some ways to bring self care into your life. Focusing on healthy eating, including making healthy family meals helps. You can also do some weights sessions at home following You Tube a couple of days a week. I get up before the morning starts in our house and do my weights sessions. It’s a great time of day. There are ways to make it work.

My advice
try to make some mum friends in the same shoes as you ones with full time jobs / careers who maybe get your situation a bit better
the sahms you know with endless time and money seem to be pretty unusual in the grand scheme of things and it's always going to be hard to keep up with them!
can you and hubby trade off a night a week each that you handle everything at home for the other to do something entirely for them and visa versa ?
I also am very concious to use my holiday days for me not for childcare where possible and such to offset that loss of me time I have working!
you are right in the thick of it at the moment things do improve as they age and get more independence

Just wanted to point out that some of us do genuinely choose to be a SAHM.

I do have the huge privilege of a large passive income, but I know other women in similar positions. We aren’t all sponging off husbands. Mine brings in less than me.

I hate being negative but I have to disagree with the posters saying it gets easier. Now that mine are both in school, I’m finding it so much harder. Even with after school club there are so many more activities, sports, parties and play dates to accommodate. When they were in nursery and I collected them at 6pm every evening, I’d actually get some time to myself after they went to bed. These days I’m racing out to get them before 6pm to bring them to different activities, do homework etc.

I agree with you. I know we all have different experiences and circumstances, and I don’t doubt that for some people the school years are a lot easier. But lots of people told me that the school years would be easier and that really hasn’t been my experience at all.

I don’t want to be a ‘just you wait’ type because that’s so unhelpful to someone who’s struggling. But I just haven’t found it easier at all. At least at nursery nearly all parents work, that’s generally the point of nursery, so everyone’s in the same boat!

You made your choices. You wanted a stressful city job.

You have the freedom to stop doing that job.

I think the point of the thread might just be that she doesn’t, though, because she pays the bills.

If you want to feel shit about yourself by all means compare yourself to the people who have the thing you want which is time to themselves. Or you could be more realistic and appreciate the fact that you and your family are all healthy and don’t have disabilities. Come on you must know life could be so much worse and it could get worse overnight. appreciate what you have.

Big hugs. I totally get this. I work full time with 2 kids (older than yours) and while I appreciate that it was my choice I have moments of envy.

I agree with another poster that however short of time you are it is important to carve out a small amount of time to do something you enjoy (gym once a week, reading a book, for me it’s something creative). And really enjoy and notice those moments even if they are short and few and far between.

I also agree that you are probably in particularly hard going phase, as your kids get older you can probably do some of the things you enjoy while your kids are around and maybe even do them together.

One final thought… go and hang out with a SAHM with kids the same ages as yours and listen to their moans - this usually cured me of wanting what they had! (not saying either of us had it better or worse it just helped me realise I was more suited to what I’d chosen after all!)

There is some good advice on this thread. I work FT currently. An older work colleague once said to me 'make it work for you' and it's stuck. Unless you make drastic changes, you are where you are. Are you able to carve out any time for yourself during the working day at all? Meet a friend for lunch? Go for a coffee? Read a book?

I was a SAH mum and I loved it. You don't have to waste your days doing nothing - you can do charity work or do something constructive for your community every waking hour there is. Think about old and isolated people. You can set up a Tea and Cake afternoon for them - calling in others to help with transport. You can volunteer in schools, helping children who are struggling with reading etc. If you are fortunate enough to be able to be a SAHM, it's great to be able to give something back.

Reading this is like going back in time a few years for me. I was always full of regret and - yes - resentment at having to work almost-full-time when my girls were that young. SO envious of stay at home mums. But now my DDs are older and I'm really enjoying work, and thankful I never gave it up in those difficult, guilt-ridden early years. Also now just a few years later most mums seem to work in some respect, way fewer are SAHM when kids in upper primary, and some of them are back to Jobs rather than careers after several years out and feeling unfulfilled. It gets so much easier, and I think you'll be thankful for it later. Doesn't make it easier now though, I realise, it's really really tough!

I am at the other end of this. My children are in their twenties. I have a career and I will do maybe five more years to fill our retirement war chests. My husband has some health issues and is semi-retired. Yes, I do have regrets but we had private medical care when we needed it so the children never had to wait for minor surgery. I went to a private hospital place to recuperate after having the first baby where the midwives waited on me and the baby hand and foot (with a midwife who took the baby during the night so I could sleep) with delicious freshly cooked food so I was fit enough to go back after six weeks post caesarean. Thanks to my work, I could afford to support one of my children at a university in a different city till they got into medicine as a postgraduate. I do think it depends on the children somewhat - there are placid children and then there are the other sort which I had. I had a nanny for the first year for both of them which helped. I also had a cleaner and sometimes a gardener. I used the clothes dryer a lot and a dishwasher.

Some of those stay at home mothers find themselves in a very precarious situation if their marriage or relationship breaks down or something happens to their partner. Even if you're married maintenance is not much of a thing - and even if you do get a slightly bigger slice of assets - it doesn't really compensate for the fact that you have to get a job after years out of the workplace with a lesser pension to look forward too as well.

I was the higher earner generally but my husband split the bills with me but it is me that has grown our retirement savings. I think you need to think of things to make your life easier. I am a professional but I work in the government sector in an organisation that pays very well for my specialist skills without the unrelenting grind of chargeable hours.

The other thing is whether your husband is earning enough in what is a viable business. If he is just working all hours, earning little and enjoying "being his own boss" I think he needs to re-evaluate. Would he better as an employee? Does he need to refocus the business etc?

“Golden handcuffs” is a phrase I heard used by a friend who works in financial services. He is paid insanely well but now hates his job - but can’t give it up because he and his wife have cut their cloth according to his salary (SAHW, private school, big mortgage). I do get that.

I always felt like I did have a choice though. I am definitely envious of others sometimes, OP, and I totally sometimes get those deep pangs of ‘but what about meee’. But I made
my choices. I chose not to have earning power as the main factor in my choice of career, I supported my husband in pursuing a job he enjoys (well, enjoyed) which doesn’t pay super well, and I had kids knowing the cost of childcare. I don’t feel like I was lied to or forced into it, and I could have made different choices if I wanted to be able to work part time or not be the breadwinner or be a SAHM.

Warning to all people thinking of having a second child. It's twice as much work as one child. If you're the main wage earner and working FT, no extra magical hours appear in your life. Your 4 year old won't play with your 2 year old for more than 10 minutes at a time. You need to arrange age-appropriate childcare for each child. And if you're the main wage earner and husband is at home more, you need to be sure he is up to the job and what time and support he needs.

Erm maybe you might want to be a SAHP because you chose to have a child and not outsource all the parenting to some random person. SAHP isn't for life, it's perfectly feasible of you're on a decent salary to save up and take a few years off. The very early years (first 1000 days) are very important. Why are you even choosing to have a child with someone if your relationship is so tenuous that giving up your job for a couple of years makes you vulnerable. That makes zero sense.

Each to their own but there aren't many fulfilling careers that then allow several years off and will welcome you back with open arms
I know dozens of mums who stayed off "whilst kids were small" then tried to get decent work not a noddy job once they were at school and well most of them are still looking to be honest that combined with the fact many want an unrealistic amount of flexibility (working only during school hours for example) straight off the bat for a company who doesn't know them from Adam and who need a full time person etc it's not that simple
so if someone gives up their career to be a sahm I certainly wouldn't bank on returning unless you do a highly sought after job or one that is easy to get back into really and that's totally fine be a sahm for the duration is fine but I know a good few who's circumstances changed and when they attempted to work again were pretty disappointed and regretted leaving

That's a fair point if you're taking a long time off, but I don't think that's the case if it's more like 2-3 years. Lots of people totally dismiss the value of being a SAHP and also that it is a difficult 'job' that not many could do, it's not swanning about having coffees and going to the gym with friends (yes if your kids are in nursery or school but then you're not a SAHP)

I think you'd struggle after 3 years off any career to return without an issue
different in other countries with better support for parents like Sweden etc where you can have 18m off paid and then unpaid even longer! (What a society ti value parents so highly!)
I agree there is great value in having a sahp when children are small and not yet in an educational setting but there in lies the problem- once they are 3 and can go to preschool it's just too late to restart where you left off - for many it's like starting from scratch
I even see a value in being a sahp for your child's whole life - I just struggle a bit with what one does with your time that fulfilling once all the kids are in school really but that's just my short sightedness really

my advice to anyone who even vaguely wants to return to the workplace later would be fight tooth and nail to reduce to part time (as few days as your company will let you get away with!) even if it means after childcare you are working for virtually nothing then once they're 3 increase a few hours and a few more once they're in school you get to be as present in your children's lives as you can be but also keep your career ticking over and not to be a nay sayer if you aren't married I would 100% not give up your job entirely!!

You have virtually no rights unless you own your own house and what you'll get in child support after a split you won't be able to live on without an independent income! So many ( mainly women) get caught by this it's unreal then get stuck moving back in with family etc.

for my own situation I work ft main earner etc and my partner works 3 days term time in education now but did only 2 days from 1 year to 4 years old and that's worked great for us combination of wft, covid, annual leave banked up and such meant we could delay any nursery until 2 then just do 2 days a week which was the minimum they'd allow anyway and now means we only use breakfast club 3x a week etc and can do all the nice stuff with her after school like play dates and the park

Working parents are NOT outsourcing their PARENTING to some random! 🤦‍♀️ ffs what an offensive thing to say!
you are a parent full time no matter what working or not working !

i presume you home school yours then? As obviously you can't trust the random fully trained teachers to parent them at school!?

childcare is not parenting
school is not parenting

there are a lot of crucial hours in the day spent with parents and weekends and holidays and parental leave and all sorts of ways working parents make it work and what we do do is spend quality time with our kids when we aren't working. Did you know that the average working parent now spends more time actively parenting ie with their children not cleaning not working not cooking etc (all none parenting tasks !) than the average sahm from the 70s and 80s? And it works out only about 10 hours a week less quality PARENTING time (not doing household chores!) than the average sahp today? 10 hours !
and what working parents do less of according to this survey? Time for themselves! They essentially give up any me time to ensure anytime they are not working they are present.
If you think an extra 10 hours a week quality time is so vital then fine quit work but don't slag off those who don't by using inflammatory phrases such as outsourcing parenting to random people !

I think (and I'm a granny now) that NO ONE works as hard as a full time working Mum to young children. I look back at my Mum's generation, now nearly all gone and think we may liberation but we've copped for all the extra work too! We still mostly have the mental load of running a household and far less help ( my Mum had full time help when abroad and a regular twice weekly cleaner when back here plus gardener and my Mum-in-law sent everything to the laundry!) Plus we work to support the household, have to be amazing parents and look gorgeous too (!) Yes, it will get better but can you cut down even by half a day (my daughter has down this recently) and only use this time for you? Even if you just do nothing with the time? I think you need a break!

@Chicci1 I agree 💯, I worked freelance when my 3 dcs were small and now working “part-time “ around their school hours (absolutely no childcare in my area , afterschool is now closing ) and I find it way, way more full on tbh . My dcs love sports but are too young to get their themselves and we do share lifts etc .
I think being a sahm when kids are in school looks absolutely fab tbh . I agree that they have way more time for exercise, socialising and way less stressed (we have zero family support so definitely impacts us a lot in comparison to those that do).
My job is so interesting and rewarding but v full-on too and any time I have off I’m with the kids and I work some evenings too. I imagine if you are used to not working when kids are in school it would be hard to get back into it tbh ..