To just feel so fed up and consumed with envy?

[HolyGuacamole28]

I’m mum to 2 great if sometimes pretty wild and hard work girls aged 4 and nearly 2. I’m married, my husband is self employed and works long hours. I work full time in a stressful hybrid city job. Girls are in nursery four days a week. We earn good money but things are still tight (mortgage, COL etc). I don’t have any hobbies or time to myself. I just work, do chores, manage the kids and sleep. I have SAH mum friends. They get to go to the gym, keep a tidy house and get time with their kids. Money never seems to be an issue. I don’t have a choice, I’m the main earner so I have to work FT. I hate that I’m consumed with envy at the life I have versus others - a never ending cycle of mess, stress and feeling like it could all fall over at any minute. Am I crazy? Should I count my blessings whilst losing myself a little each day?

Same major reason I’m a SAHM is working in nurseries and seeing how horrid some of the staff were behind closed doors. Really put me off and gave me trust issues, tho I know not all nurseries would be the same! I still envy my friends who work.

You are doing great and setting your kids a brilliant example - money and nice things need to be earned and family time is precious.

Negotiate one night a week for you - DH deals with kids, you do something you want to do. Obviously make sure he gets the same.

OP please take note of this. The grass isn’t greener.

@jhy I hope you find a new job which suits you soon.

I envy you lol actually my situation similar to yours but no partner
my DD is 9 currently in bed . I’m sat on the sofa in total silence bored and tearful . Nothing on tv , I’ve exhausted my phone , nobody to chat to and no one to call as they are either busy or in bed
I’ve got a hybrid job too but wish I had someone to come home to and I miss the days when DD was little as I had more to fuss about and focus on due to young age
i wish she had a sibling too
I feel incredibly lonley . I can imagine stay at home mums probably feel lonley too deep down . There is only so much gym one can do . I’d love to be busy in the evenings
maybe drop a day a week like someone suggested . What are you doing when at home ? Ask partner to support more and try to get out . If u can get away from laptop for an hour or two on your wfh days and gym is local you could use the gym

Honestly, OP, I’ve never envied a SAHP. I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who did it voluntarily,

I've never envied anyone and I was sahm voluntarily and loved it. I had to return to work though for the money but if I had a high earner DH i definitely wouldn't have done.

Having small children is exhausting, it will get easier as they get older hopefully.

I’ve never been envious of anyone, even when my DC were little. We had different experiences, made different choices. Thing is, you never know what someone’s life is like unless you live it. What shit they have to put up with that you know nothing about.

It gets easier. Under 5’s are hard work.

If course you'll have people lining up to tell you that sahm's are living secret miserable lives. It seems to be the only way mnetters can deal with differences among women is to fabricate a series of misfortunes for all those who don't live identical lives. It's a bit pathetic.

Can you afford a cleaner a few hours a week? We got one when we had child 2. It all got a bit much after he arrived.

Do you get as much free time as your OH?

There's pros and cons to all choices. Think of the reassurance of having your own income, job satisfaction and better prospects when your children are older, a good pension etc.

I have phases when I feel similar. I’m currently going through one now. I feel like I just want more time and would love the sahm lifestyle. I think there is probably a lot going for sahms of primary age and just not being run ragged all the time. But… I do convince myself that building my career has been worth it for pension, self identify and money. You’re in the thick of it in a very expensive phase. Money wise it feels more worthwhile at primary and once sleep becomes reliable that is a game changer for good but I do think it can be even harder emotionally and logistically than nursery years. I don’t think anyone has things 100% perfect in any family.

There will always be people who have more money/time than you do, but you can't let jealousy get in the way of seeing all the brilliant stuff that you do have. You have a career, which many would envy and possibly the flexibility to reduce hours in the future, while not giving it up completely. Your dc don't be tiny forever and you will get back some time.

Is it possible for dh to not be self employed and working long hours? This doesn't seem fair if it's putting all the stress on you to maintain family responsibilities and be the main wage earner. Ideally you'd both be able to share parenting more, if he worked fewer hours and you'd claw back some time.

Just to add that it's not true that all sahm are secretly miserable and I think we have to stop with the narrative which suggests they are all bored or financially vulnerable, as an argument to make the OP feel better. Some sahm are having a great life, just as some wohm are. And some do have time for the gym - I used to go 3x per week when my DS was in nursery. Nursery was so he could socialise and to lay the foundation for school - it was important for his development. But it had the nice side effect of freeing up some time for me too. I think the main problem for you is that you are in contact with those fortunate people who have lots of money and that does tend to increase dissatisfaction, when you are really busy and tired and still feel poor by comparison.

I was a sahm for a bit with 3 under 4. I remember doing a day of contract work and realising that every day DH got to be alone on the journey to work and back and have lunch by himself. I was so jealous!
I did then work f/t for a bit and hated that. 3 days was the sweet spot for me. Lunch dates where always in Parks with the kids tbf. We lived very frugally so I could work P/T, was worth it imo.

SAHM here. I sent my children to nursery part time from age 2.5ish. Because they had fun, they did stuff I wasn’t able to easily do, they became ready for school and it gave me a break.

My house was a mess though - still is and my children are at school now. I find other more interesting things to do than rearranging the dust!

I wish I could say that being a sahm sucks. It's not perfect, and I only got to do it for six months excluding mat leave, so I guess people will always tell me it wears off, but I could have written your post and my kids are much older. They get looked after by their angry sahd who doesn't really seem to like them and spends all his time talking about himself and his needs.

No you’re not crazy!
Very understandable. Though you do need to try and find some time for yourself. As easy as it is to be jealous, try to focus on what you can control - so focusing on your life and small changes you can make which will make your life easier/happier. Try to focus on this as opposed to other people’s lives, as you don’t necessarily know everything they’re experiencing, and you have no control over it anyway!
Try to do one thing for yourself each day - it could be something as small as listening to your favourite song in the car or having your favourite cup of tea once the children are in bed. These small bits of self-care can help you feel a bit more yourself.
Also someone else made a good point - do you and your husband have similar amounts of free time? Are you sharing the childcare responsibilities somewhat equally? You both work full time so I would say you should both be contributing your fair share.
It sounds like you are struggling a bit with the chaoticness of everything and lack of time for yourself. Is there anyone you can reach out to? Parents, siblings, aunts/uncles, friends etc.? Perhaps they could help, whether that’s having the children one/two weekend afternoons a month so you can get chores/cleaning done (or have some leisure time). Or perhaps they could help with the household chores, or cooking you a meal once a week or something.
Also as someone suggested, can you stretch to hiring a cleaner? You might find that really helps to feel a bit more on top of things around the house.
I also think you would benefit from negotiating some kind of schedule with your husband - e.g. perhaps he does the bedtime routine once or twice a week instead of you. That way you can catch up on chores and ideally have some time to yourself at least once a week. Having a balance between work, home and leisure is really important (as I’m sure you know!) so I would really recommend trying to find some kind of hobby. Even better if it’s something with a regular commitment like a craft group or choir that meets once a week, as some else will have to pick up the slack at home while you get some well deserved you time!
And finally - remember this is only temporary! Your children are at tricky ages at the moment, but I guess your eldest will be starting primary school next year and that will hopefully help. In a few years time both children will be at primary school and I’d think that would make a massive difference! Hang on in there and try to squeeze some time in for yourself & call on support from others.

Oh my goodness OP, I understand you so well.

I'm also the main earner and returned to work full-time recently after maternity leave. My work turned down my flexible working request to do compressed hours so I don't get the day off with my baby I'd been relying on.

My sister has just announced her first pregnancy and I am so envious. She has a nice house, and much more money so she'll probably be able to go part-time and have time with her child. Whereas we scrimp by and live in a small flat with no hope of moving while we're paying nursery fees.

It just feels so unfair when you feel like you're working 24/7 - either at actual work or with your child.

I get you @HolyGuacamole28
I realised the other day I felt sorry for myself and envious of other people I know who seem to have it easy.

My kids are teens but one has special needs so the freedom that my contemporaries have isn't going to be possible for me. That coupled with having been a single parent since my kids were babies due to having had to flee an abusive marriage. And no emotional or financial back up.

Interestingly since I realised and named it, it seems to have eased - I also realised I wouldn't want a straight swap for their exact lives. Mine is ok and it's mine, and I worked hard for it.

@HolyGuacamole28

my husband is self employed and works long hours.

I’m the main earner so I have to work FT.

a never ending cycle of mess, stress and feeling like it could all fall over at any minute.

What does “self-employed” look like for your husband? Why isn’t he earning more? Is his self-employment a business he owns that is always “just about to make it” and is going to “really take off next year?” Perhaps something related to a hobby he has?

Does he set his own hours and is using these hours to excuse himself from parenting and household tasks, allowing everything to fall to you?

Because if any of that is the case, he is taking the piss like so many other men we read about here. And if so, your load would be significantly lessened by telling him to pull his head out of his arse and start doing his share. If he has what is essentially a hobby job, it is completely fair to tell him that he must get a proper job before you burn out completely. If he sets his own hours and uses that to avoid responsibilities, he needs to start pulling his weight.

I’d really look at what can be changed at home first, rather than accepting something that is clearly making you unhappy and stressed.

I am very similar to you, and I feel the same. My kids are slightly older now so it is easier - but not much. I am not around to help with homework, afterschool activities are a nightmare and I feel I am curbing my kids potential by not being able to take them to sports training as frequently as they would need (one of them has a sports talent).
The SAHMs I know don't have money worries, and do pilates every day after drop off. Yes, they are reliant on their DH, but

a) they would get a nice payoff in any divorce, and especially

b) Controversially - I think their relationships are sometimes because they do stay at home. They are more relaxed (not to mention attractive due to being able to do exercise, have highlights done regularly etc), have a much better social life (eg have friends round for dinner, because they have the time to cook etc), generally a nicer time at home (eg mum has headspace to plan family trips at weekend etc). So I see a lot less of the nagging and general bad temperedness from those mums who are SAH than people like me who aren't - because once kids are in school they do have time for themselves.

Well, yes, I can understand OP. I didn’t even get to have my full maternity leave because I became a lone parent unexpectedly. To make matters worse, I seemed to be surrounded by very affluent SAHMs who did appear to have charmed lives in every way.

to be honest, I would not want to be a full time SAHM as I think many women in that position become very unfulfilled and bored. But I have to say that I have never believed that staying at home is more stressful than working !

You have financial independence, hope you get some satisfaction from your job, you’re setting the example to your girls and if your husband starts behaving like a twat you can manage without him as you’re not dependent financially- that counts for a lot. It probably means that he won’t start behaving like a twat in the first place as he knows you’re not just going to accept it for the gym membership…

Plus I know it sounds a bit Pollyanna but you’ve got 2 healthy kids and you’re (hopefully) healthy yourself, to some people that’s living the dream!!

When I was at your stage I didn't really have that many SAHM friends, that didn't come until DS1 started school.
Maybe it's because I moved to this area for work and so I socialised with colleagues who then became friends.
So when children started coming along we were all working and juggling.
I'm not sure what my point is - maybe that it would be good to form friendships with those who have a similar life to you? The baby/toddler years are intense and it can really help to have people who can empathise to off load to.

I do recall a neighbour thinking I looked down on her because she was a SAHM. Honestly, I felt the opposite, I had the utmost respect for her.
With a good blob of guilt I felt happy I was going out to work and DS's were in nursery, because it was HARD looking after small children. I tried to reconcile those feelings by telling myself that maybe I would enjoy it more if I was a SAHM or maybe working part time because it wouldn't be a relentless, exhausting trudge from Mon-Fri and then a w/e of cramming everything in before starting again.

I don't think you're crazy but I do think you are being a little short sighted. There are so many positives to being a working mother, especially to girls.

Studies show that girls of working mothers are more likely to grow up to be more financially secure than girls who grow up with SAHM's. They are also more likely to gain senior roles in the workplace. You are setting a wonderful example to your daughters.

Not to mention the fact that you have financial independence and will likely have a great pension compared to those who have had many years out of work unless their husbands are paying it for them.

Before having children I thought being a SAHM was the absolute dream lifestyle and I was so jealous of my friends.
In reality, all you do is cook and prepare snacks, clean the kitchen then start again, change nappies, wipe bums, role play and parks in the rain. The hardest thing for me was feeling like I had no purpose and that I'd achieved nothing day after day and earned no money.

You might go days between seeing another adult and have nothing to talk about because your world is so small. Also for me there was no gym, just childcare 24/7.
Mine are 2 and 4, and I feel so much happier since I've started working part time and have a focus again!

I think jealousy is a very helpful way to clarify what you want in life. I reckon you would really benefit from dropping one day off work. Just for these difficult years. It'll get easier soon enough x

How much does your husband help out? He should be doing 50% of the household chores and childcare if you're both working.