To just feel so fed up and consumed with envy?

[HolyGuacamole28]

I’m mum to 2 great if sometimes pretty wild and hard work girls aged 4 and nearly 2. I’m married, my husband is self employed and works long hours. I work full time in a stressful hybrid city job. Girls are in nursery four days a week. We earn good money but things are still tight (mortgage, COL etc). I don’t have any hobbies or time to myself. I just work, do chores, manage the kids and sleep. I have SAH mum friends. They get to go to the gym, keep a tidy house and get time with their kids. Money never seems to be an issue. I don’t have a choice, I’m the main earner so I have to work FT. I hate that I’m consumed with envy at the life I have versus others - a never ending cycle of mess, stress and feeling like it could all fall over at any minute. Am I crazy? Should I count my blessings whilst losing myself a little each day?

I have been in a not to dissimilar situation to you. I forced myself to get a hobby and meet new people. It really took the edge off. Life can be utterly relentless and you really need to carve away a bit of time for yourself. I know you think you have no time but I don't know anyone who says that who actually doesn't. Both my husband and I work full time, 2 children and we both have a good social life and fulfilling hobbies.

Everyone makes a choice. I'm assuming that your SAH friends wanted to be SAH and ensured their finances would allow them a life of balance.

You made a different choice.

I get that it’s tiring. But then there’s the poor women on here who give up work to be a SAHM, want to leave their partner and can’t because they’ve been out the workforce to long and can’t support themselves.

some say comparison is the thief of joy. I’d think of it as we’re damned if we do; we’re damned if we don’t

I agree with this. Having two parents work FT out of necessity and not want isn't ideal. There is no choice on how to parent and is enforced (unless you are happy to get into debt). I don't think it's good for the kids if parents aren't happy and always stressed with this either. High housing costs due to lack of affordable homes and childcare costs are the issue. Without that wissue e could chose to get by with one parent working less or staying at home,or have more luxuries by both working FT. For the vast majority now it's if you both don't work FT you're fucked.

Some forms of self-employment have an earnings limit, such as a sole trader who is a painter and decorator. If they don't wish to employ someone, then there are only so many hours in the day they can work.

If he is happy in his work, this counts for a lot. And you can be proud of the work you yourself do, of course.

It's hard. But take it from one who knows - it's harder with a workshy H.

Not goady: in what way do you feel you weren’t given a choice?

Yes to this

I was a SaHM, went back to work when my youngest started full time school, so I didn’t work for 11 years and then I got a p/t job in a primary school!
Best thing I ever did was to stay home with my children, I still had a life, I’d go out everyday with them and then I’d also make time for myself, gym, swimming, social clubs and meals out with friends and family
I would do it all over again if I could

I remember when kids were that age, just pre-Covid and leaving house at 6am to get to office where I worked 4 days a week and returned home 6pm. DH also worked in an office in town 5 days a week but he did nursery runs as I was working compressed hours to get Friday off...we felt like we were on hamster wheels with the added stress of no sleep. But I never wanted to be a SAHM. To mw that would have been worse!

They're now 6 and 9 and we both mainly work from home thanks to Covid so it honestly gets easier.

I do also think there are a lot of people living out with their means out there. We just joined a new (expensive!) gym and can't believe how busy it is with people flashing new gym gear, new lips (😂) and fancy cars. And if it makes you feel better, I hardly go (counting down to contract expiring so I can leave!)

It’s a husband problem. Why don’t you ever get any time to yourself? You both need to make that time, for each of you.

The lie is that women should work (full time if poss) so they have independence, manage the house so that’s it’s clean and everything functions and also be there for her kids in a meaningful way. This is very hard to achieve and sets us up for a fall. The lie is you can have it all. SAHP aren’t judged in the same way, as they do two out of three and their lives are better for it.

you’re getting it wrong. You need an equal partner to do the above and then it’s manageable. Who on earth thinks you should do everything and your husband just work?

@HolyGuacamole28 YANBU, but comparison is the thief of joy.

You also need to prioritise carving out at least an hour for yourself each week - a walk, a nap, or take a book to the coffee shop.

Remember, you can’t pour from an empty cup, so do try to find something you can start with now 💐.

I don't know anyone who thinks women should be working full time (and therefore children being in nursery). I've always assumed people either do that because they have to for financial reasons or they prioritise their careers.

I hear you OP, i feel the same.
Lots of people saying it gets easier - sadly not always, my DC is 11 now and it is far harder than ever before - seems like the older they get the harder it is, I miss the toddler days, much easier than the issues i have to deal with now 😪

Honestly, the grass isn’t always greener. I worked a really high pressure FT job when I had my first 2 and felt constantly guilty at how little time I had with them. I became a sahm with no 3 and I now have a 4th. My house is a permanent catastrophic pigsty, hw meals etc are much better managed and I go to the gym twice a week if I’m lucky. However, I’m also bored to death and feel like my brain has turned to mush. There are positives and negatives to both. Try and get something that’s just for you even if it’s just an online discussion group of some sort- we all need it. It will get easier when they are a few years older too

Don't compare yourself to them, I am sure there are things they are jealous about too. Live your life and try to find time for yourself, I have a 22 month old and for me being at work is actually my break, clean clothes, warm coffee, adult conversation. It will get easier at home, I am sure x

You made your choices. You wanted a stressful city job.

You have the freedom to stop doing that job.

Wow. The replies have started to turn nasty. What a shame. I can’t leave my job as the mortgage and bills won’t get paid. I earn more than my husband and it’s not a case of cost cutting, we would starve/lose the house. I do love my husband but he is a low earner. More so recently. Hence the envy of those who are not burdened financially and opted to stay at home. I cannot.

I am a SAHM and my life is absolute shit at the moment. I have no time for the gym or friends, have no hobbies, and barely manage to keep on top of housework. My kids are not small either. Not that should make you feel better (well if it does at least that’s something positive out of this crap) but to say that it’s not about working or not working but about mental health. And ps: I agree with others that the age of your kids can be a factor. Take care OP, this too shall pass 😘

Presumably your 4yo will start school next September, so your nursery fees will reduce drastically. Can you try to reduce your work hours then? Either shorten your days or drop a day. I think it helps to have a plan in mind even if it’s some way off in the future.

I think that we can all be a little bit envious of others. I’d hate to have been a sahp. Maternity leave was lovely but I had to fill it with baby classes for my own sanity. I work part time. But my now ex walked out when the kids were 2&5. That’s meant financially I’m better off working part time with tax credit too ups than full time with all the childcare. But the early years post separation were tough being the main parent, doing all bed times and bath times etc. People always comment that I’m always out with my kids and we have a lovely life but it’s better being no out than in for us much of the time. I’m a teacher so have all the school holidays too. People think it’s great that when my kids go to their dads I get ‘time off’ but in reality it’s not a regular schedule due to his work and when I do have the time off I’m so knackered I just sleep and binge tv.

It’s a money thing not a SAHM thing as someone said earlier.
I love my career, independence and having my own money. Every now and again I think my life would have been easier if I’d married someone stashed. But I married someone I love and have achievements outside the home in my own right. A friend of mine who married.a wealthy guy and led the life you describe was recently left by him (for a woman with a very full on career). After 20 years as a SAHM she’s devastated. He didn’t want her to work and now it’s hard for her to try to find a job. She doesn’t need the money, but feels no purpose in life now her son has grown up.

I know how you feel OP. I have felt consumed with jealousy over my SAHM neighbours, who always look well put together and serene because they are not stressing like hell with the childminder, nursery or school run before commuting to work.
The worst thing is people who tell you that it is your choice to work when that choice had NEVER been possible, not without being made homeless anyway, not everyone has a higher earning partner. The only comfort I take is my independence and pension but I wish I could have had more time with DC when they were babies.

I really really get it. I have 2 girls. Almost 5 and 3.5. Until September they were both in nursery and cost us a bomb. I’m the breadwinner too and have always worked so much more than I have wanted to just cos I earn the most.
eldest started school in Sept and was a gamechanger and youngest moved to a preschool. Life feels a lot easier not having the financial burden of the nursery fees as now we pay nothing.
i have changed my hours around a bit so im 4 days but 2 long days and 2 school length days. I struggle with the balance as i need to work more hours really. Next sept when the youngest goes to school, I’m gonna put them in club one day a week so I can work another long day. Can you adjust your hours when the eldest goes to school to reduce your hours cos you won’t have the crazy nursery fees? Spent one on one with the youngest - it feels so easy just one 😂
I get the envy so badly cos ALL my friends work less than me. It’s felt so shit and unfair.
you are in the tough bit - hang in there xx