To just feel so fed up and consumed with envy?

[HolyGuacamole28]

I’m mum to 2 great if sometimes pretty wild and hard work girls aged 4 and nearly 2. I’m married, my husband is self employed and works long hours. I work full time in a stressful hybrid city job. Girls are in nursery four days a week. We earn good money but things are still tight (mortgage, COL etc). I don’t have any hobbies or time to myself. I just work, do chores, manage the kids and sleep. I have SAH mum friends. They get to go to the gym, keep a tidy house and get time with their kids. Money never seems to be an issue. I don’t have a choice, I’m the main earner so I have to work FT. I hate that I’m consumed with envy at the life I have versus others - a never ending cycle of mess, stress and feeling like it could all fall over at any minute. Am I crazy? Should I count my blessings whilst losing myself a little each day?

I'm a voluntary SAHM! Always wanted to be and love it. I'm not economically dependent on my husband.

When I look back at the time mine were your kids age it’s all such a blur - because it was so full on!! I promise you it does get easier….

Nahh, we all get a little jelly.

I'm a totally solo parent so I feel your pain. My entire life revolves around my child and working. We live in such a small flat that even when my child goes to bed, my only evening activities include sitting quietly so they're not disturbed. So I have no hobbies, no social life etc either.

I feel envious of all the school mums in their beautiful, big houses with their rich, helpful husbands and their fun, pretty friends but the grass is always greener on the other side and to some, my simple little life would be a very welcome gift. There will always be people with more but there are many with far less, that would give anything to be in your shoes.

My two kids are younger (6 months and 3 next month) but our lives are pretty similar. Home always a mess, broke due to mortgage (on a 2 bed so not even like we have loads of space) and cost of childcare, I am the higher earner so I work long hours - routinely making up time once the kids are asleep. It’s so hard to keep the plates spinning.

I’ve not managed to shift any of the baby weight so I feel utterly frumpy and that’s largely down to stress and exhaustion - hard to have much willpower when I get so little sleep. Plus I have no time to exercise or have hobbies. I don’t think I’ve had a stint of more than 4 hours sleep in one go for 3 years now.

just wanted to show you’re not alone.

I try to focus on the positives - I’ll always be financially independent, I am proud of my kids and my career. And also I do feel lucky - maybe this isn’t helpful to you but there are so many people with so much less than us, or going through tough times.

remember that it will get easier (at least in this regard) as the kids get older and more independent.

also (and I know this takes money) but I am currently trying to do one thing for myself a month, so at least I can stay sane. So my husband is taking the children for an hour next weekend while I have my nails done (an early Xmas present from him) for first time since our wedding 4 years ago. Feels pathetically exciting

Just sending you lots of love @Banana1979 ❤️

I'm a bit older I think, my kids are all teenagers except the baby I had at 40. My perspective is different now, and I regret all those years I put into the rat race. I didn't raise my own children, strangers did. That's a huge exaggeration in reality, but that's how I feel. That's what I regret. I worked so hard but I feel like I don't have anything much to show for it. I'm changing my tune now, my littlest will have a different childhood than her siblings. Hopefully my older kids can share in a different pace with us. My advice is don't wait, do whatever you have to do to shake things up. Downsize, move, buy a farm in Portugal, build a tiny home, go back to school, change jobs, DH change jobs, something, anything to avoid that later in life regret! You can't get time back and it goes faster and faster every year. I hope you find the answer, whatever it is! Just don't lose yourself!

Surely if your kids are hard work then it's better they're in nursery? If you were a SAHM I think you'd find that much worse! It doesn't sound like the grass will be greener

I'm the higher earner in my relationship and if I want a comfortable lifestyle, I will always be working and in quite a stressful, responsible job. Living my younger self's dream.

My current self, with first baby on his way, is really regretting my life choices. I have to go back to work at 16 weeks (I don't live in the UK and this is all I get here). I have to work 10 hr days, pump milk while working. Somehow perform at my work and atm I don't even know how I will make it to the end of my pregnancy, I'm so so tired.

I wish I had married more sensibly. My DP is wonderful but a very low earner. He'll get to spend a lot more time with our kids, still have a civil service career, while enjoying a lifestyle only possible because of my job. I really really envy him.

OP I totally get it! I am not going to minimise your feelings or tell you that SAHM secretly hate it.

I work, in a stressful role, although have just about got the right balance. However so many women I know either don't have to work or work one day a week because their DHs earn loads. Or, they have had some inheritance or a handout that has meant they don't need to work so hard, or at all.

Yes I am sure some of them aren't happy but, the reality is, some are. Looking after DCs ain't easy but it doesn't bring the stress and anxiety of work. I go through periods of just feeling so envious.

My aim is that I get to 50, my DCs are grown and I can look back and say:

• I was a good role model, working hard to bring in money, showing them what a good work ethic looks like
• They get to go to their clubs and live a great life, holidays etc
• I WFH and so do get to see them lots
• We live in a fantastic place by the sea due in part to my salary

If you can possibly cut your hours, do. And get yourself a hobby. Running or other exercise is good, or something else free. And hang on in there. You're at the toughest stage right now - it'll get incrementally easier each year.

Hi. Some interesting points of view on here. Just to be clear, I don’t want to be a SAHM with no help - I.e. some nursery. I guess the dream would be part time work but it’s hard in my industry to get that plus we need my salary to live on. It’s more about the choice. I wasn’t given one and I feel lied to by society. Women can have it all but it’s relentless and hard and some of us just want a break. That’s how I view SAHP. It’s a break from the horrible rat race.

I totally disagree that gets easier to work as kids get older , I think it’s way harder tbh . Thats maybe just our situation with schools finished quite early , very long holidays (Ireland ) and we have zero family help and now the afterschool is closing down 🤷‍♀️ Also there’s so much more things to attend and do (3 kids )and work is also busy now so definitely don’t find it easier .
In fact it’s now that I’d love more time than when they were smaller .
However I do get the jealousy thing especially if those parents have had huge financial help , two of our couple friends have had massive help from parents so way less pressure to work and they can take time off which is basically amazing if your kids are in school. However I do know some parents not working (tbf this can be due to the total lack of any childcare here ) and I think it is risky in this day and age and if you are hitting 40 or late 30’s of course you can get back into work but it’s harder and I think they can get really used to time off particularly if their kids are in school.

It’s always greener. I don’t think any set up is ideal. I am part time, career is fooked, but I earn my own cash and dribble some into my pension. I don’t want to have to rely on a man for my money. On the outside it looks good but I’m frustrated and still broke.

you can be in control of your career and therefore your life. But working full time is tough when they are little. Have you got the right help at home? Are you struggling with drop offs etc? You still need time to you self at weekends

my SAHM friends are all a bit nuts! They can’t afford to leave their husbands and they take a long time to get back to work.

Some wealthy women with a "Big Job" husband will be happy, and fair play to them

But, for many, it's a gilded cage. And, they are often financially vulnerable

I do agree with the phrase comparison is the thief of joy and I do try and remember it. But there are times I get fed up too. My kids are grown up / mid teens now so life is easier (there is light at the end of the tunnel OP). I love working, and work hard and earn a fairly decent salary. But live in the South East and at the moment I’m trying to buy a property which for many years was out of reach. So hard on a single salary. Then there’s some of my friends who live in some gorgeous houses (up north) and don’t work. But I guess I am the type of person who wants that because I’ve worked for it. And I know if I head back north (considering it) when DD my youngest heads to Uni in 3yrs I can get almost what they have, but I’ve earned every penny of it. Doesn’t stop me feeling very fed up when I’m bidding against people who have been given the money (ex of a friend bidding on same flat) or have bank of mum and dad helping. Right now I feel like you, envious of what others have. It’s ok to feel like that, but don’t dwell on it too long as it won’t get you anywhere.

I'm a sahm and my dcs are 5 and 2. I don't get time to myself at the moment as I'm with the 2 yo all day, every day. Personally I enjoy being with her and I don't find it dull or relentless like some women, but it means I've given up all hobbies and exercise for now. She'll go to preschool for early years education next year and I'm already looking forward to those 3 hours a day (more like 2.5 hours after travelling time). But I have a huge list of jobs around the house that need doing that I can't get done with a toddler in tow, so I still don't think I'll have much time for the gym.

It's quite unusual to be a sahm around here (in central London) and there's a lack of status that comes with it. I feel self-conscious about it to the extent that I have a self-employed job that I barely do any more but sometimes I talk about it as if I do regular hours because they'd look down on me if they thought I had no career at all. Although luckily financially I'm secure and not scrimping to get by. I think if you have a good city career, you'd find it tough to adjust to being a sahm as there's no extrinsic reward and limited social contact. The social bit doesn't bother me as I'm quite introverted, but you probably aren't if you've managed a demanding city career.

I am a singer ... throughout my childbearing career I vowed I would never stop my weekly choir and my OH was absolutely on board with this and was with the children when I was out singing. It was pretty hectic but I would drag myself there exhausted rather than give it up.
Is there something that matters to you that you can maintain in the midst of the chaos?

I knew a SAHP who was angered by making cakes for the school and then it got inadvertently shut for the day. Fair enough, but I think you can lose perspective of other people's stresses as a SAHP and how much of a load a working parent carries. I wouldn't want to live in that sort of bubble and wonder how they would cope with having to work FT. That said plenty of SAHP make that switch and thrive.

Based on this example?

Some people are batshit, they take it with them, whatever they do. I wouldn't be so quick to attribute to circumstance that which is more easily attributable to personality.

How will carrying that envy around make it any better? It doesn’t change anything. See the positives in your life - you have jobs, you have children (I would desperately love to be pregnant), you have a house: you have financial security for yourself; a pension. You’re not financially reliant on a man. You will progress in your career if you want to. Those SAHM might be envious of your life

“. It’s more about the choice. I wasn’t given one and I feel lied to by society”
I find this a very odd thing to say. What is the lie? I don’t know any Sahms; and I never expect to be one myself.

The lie is that women should work (full time if poss) so they have independence, manage the house so that’s it’s clean and everything functions and also be there for her kids in a meaningful way. This is very hard to achieve and sets us up for a fall. The lie is you can have it all. SAHP aren’t judged in the same way, as they do two out of three and their lives are better for it.

I would agree holy. Whatever way you cut it, we lose out somehow. I think two full Time working parents - without a nanny/housekeeper - if they are in big jobs, that’s a tough one

If we could just have more part time jobs in professions, it would be amazing

To give a slightly different perspective, things aren’t always as they seem with others. Your SAHM friends may be lonely but hide it? I work part time (3 days) and I spend my days ‘off’ doing chores - which is helpful from a family perspective, but I still can’t say I have any hobbies as such, and I rarely go out. Once both your children are in school, you’ll find life gets a bit easier, although the busyness does tend to swap from the children needing LOTS to you doing lots of ferrying round. Our life is chaos a lot of the time - and to onlookers may seem like we have it easier than households with two full time workers, but I’m looking to up my hours as I’ve hit a ceiling in my career unless I do, and I find my days rattling round the house unfulfilling. This isn’t a complaint, more just a way of saying perhaps others aren’t any happier than you - and if they are then it might be the phase of life they’re in rather than income or working hours if that makes sense

I totally understand OP. I’m probably one of those women who are the target of your envy, and that is fine, I am used to it!

I won’t patronise you by telling you the ways in which my life is difficult as it definitely is not as hard as working FT in a demanding role and managing everything at home.

However, could DH pick up more of the household stuff? Could you reduce your hours and save on childcare? Could you downsize your home or lifestyle in any way to allow you to work fewer hours?

It stinks, it really does, and for many women, having it all is just doing it all. 💐