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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not give up my Saturdays?

593 replies

Frey11 · 27/11/2023 12:07

My husband shares a daughter with his ex who does a hobby. She has practice during the week, which DH and ex take her to depending who's night it is and at the weekend she has a game on a Saturday. The time varies but it's typically around mid day and takes at least a couple of hours.

My husband has always worked Saturday days, he has a day off in the week and works Saturday. We have SD 2 nights a week, one in the week and at the weekend it alternates one week Saturday night with DH collecting on his way home from work and the next weekend it's Sunday night.

SDs mum has just changed jobs which requires her to also work Saturdays. This was never mentioned to us until she'd already taken the job and I'm now being asked to have SD every Saturday and take her to said game. This means my whole day revolves around this as it's always in the middle of the day.

I also have two pre school children and work all week myself. This is my time with them to do things we don't get to do in the week, see friends, soft play etc..

AIBU to not want to do this every Saturday?

OP posts:
SeulementUneFois · 27/11/2023 12:09

Definitely don't give in OP.
If your DH tries to emotionally blackmail you, you need to have a very serious conversation with him about how he regards you and the state of your relationship.

VickyEadieofThigh · 27/11/2023 12:12

That you have children of your own who need time with their mum at weekends is all I need to hear.

It's down to SD's TWO parents to sort this out.

LolaSmiles · 27/11/2023 12:14

YANBU
Childcare for your stepdaughter is for her mother and father to arrange.

Step parents are not default childcare when it's convenient for parents to not make appropriate arrangements or communicate.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 27/11/2023 12:15

Could you do every other weekend? Maybe see if there are any other parents who you could do a rota with?

Crayfishhe · 27/11/2023 12:15

This is your SD’s mum’s childcare issue to sort, not yours or your husband’s.

jeaux90 · 27/11/2023 12:16

Nope don't do it.

billy1966 · 27/11/2023 12:17

Absolutely not.

Do not engage at all about this as you will deeply regret it.

Your children need you on Saturday.

If you agree to this it will be an utterly thankless weekly pain in the ass for you.

Do not engage or give an inch on this.

Codlingmoths · 27/11/2023 12:18

You’ve got two young children of your own. Parents with multiple children assess the commitment before taking on anything extra for one of the kids, because we aren’t fucking magical Santa Claus and cannot be in two places at once. So no, you can’t. Dh just has to say that’s not an option for you and really we need to consult about changes that affect the other person or their partner as none of us can just drop everything no matter what.

TeaKitten · 27/11/2023 12:19

Crayfishhe · 27/11/2023 12:15

This is your SD’s mum’s childcare issue to sort, not yours or your husband’s.

Not OPs job to sort but it is her husbands along with his ex. Resident parent needs opportunity to earn more money too, although she should have told ex before moving jobs so they could have sorted it in advance. But he can’t just absolve himself of the responsibility because he only has his child 2 days a week.

YANBU OP don’t do it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/11/2023 12:20

VickyEadieofThigh · 27/11/2023 12:12

That you have children of your own who need time with their mum at weekends is all I need to hear.

It's down to SD's TWO parents to sort this out.

Even if she didn’t have her own it wouldn’t be her job to do this. SD has two parents whose job it is to facilitate this. In no circumstances would it be on OP.

Floofydawg · 27/11/2023 12:21

How did I know this was going to be yet another SM piss-take. Absolutely not unreasonable - not your problem.

PuppyMonkey · 27/11/2023 12:23

What would they do if you weren’t in the picture?

TrashedSofa · 27/11/2023 12:23

Fuck no.

poetryandwine · 27/11/2023 12:24

Oh, this is serious OP.

It is hardly the child’s fault and I would be trying hard to protect her feelings, but her parents need to outsource responsibility for getting DSD to her Saturday games - ideally always, but at least half the time. (I am sure she would like to know you and your DC were there cheering her on sometimes).

As @Allthegoodnamesarechosen said, I as DSD’s actual parent would try to start a rota (involving you and several other adults) or I would pay for child care to transport DSD to and from the games. I do think it would be nice for your younger DC’s bond with DSD if you could continue to attend some of them.

Original poster
Frey11 · 27/11/2023 12:24

It was suggested that perhaps another parent could take and drop off but tbh I still don't want to do that. It still means I have to be home until she's collected and back when she's dropped off. I may as well just take her myself in that case. It still affects my day.

OP posts:
Crayfishhe · 27/11/2023 12:25

TeaKitten · 27/11/2023 12:19

Not OPs job to sort but it is her husbands along with his ex. Resident parent needs opportunity to earn more money too, although she should have told ex before moving jobs so they could have sorted it in advance. But he can’t just absolve himself of the responsibility because he only has his child 2 days a week.

YANBU OP don’t do it.

Show quote history

SD’s parents have an agreed contact schedule, her mum should have asked if changing it was possible, or made other arrangements before taking a new job. It’s not his responsibility (and certainly not OP’s) to fix a problem his ex has made for herself.

SummerInSun · 27/11/2023 12:25

Her parents need to sort it out and be much more creative about this. Eg does SD have friends on the team and could a car pool be set up so that each family only has to go once every three or four weeks? Is SD old enough to be left at the activity alone and is there anything your DC would like to do nearby (eg good playground near the sports venue) if you do it once in a while?

I feel bad for SD - but you can't be the magic solution to this when you have younger DC

AuntieStella · 27/11/2023 12:26

Think of this as a trial run for when your DC are older and have clashing schedules.

Of course it should be DH who solves this with this with his eldest DC's mother. And of course the solution should not be at disproportionate unfair impact on his other 2 DC. And he should never have taken you for granted.

So stand your ground - what is the maximum you might be prepared to do to facilitate this? Emergencies only? Once a month? EOW?

How old is the DC and how long before she can let herself out of the house and get to the activity? It sounds like its a team - does she have team-mates whose parents might help out (giving lift there)

Ponderingwindow · 27/11/2023 12:26

The actual parents need to sort this out. The father absolutely should be involved in the solution. The mother needs to be free to earn just as much as he is free to earn. He has very little parenting time right now and it works around his job. She has been dealing with all the impacts of parenting on earning capacity and it’s only fair that he step up and help.

they may need to revisit the parenting schedule, he may need to rearrange his work hours, or they may need to hire some help.

Original poster
Frey11 · 27/11/2023 12:27

I can't imagine it would be a case of my DC cheering her on. They are pre schoolers, one is only 2. They'd just be cold and miserable and likely whingey or running riot. I understand the idea of a lovely bonding moment having her siblings there cheering her on at the sidelines but I imagine, or know, the reality would be very different.

OP posts:
TeaKitten · 27/11/2023 12:27

Crayfishhe · 27/11/2023 12:25

SD’s parents have an agreed contact schedule, her mum should have asked if changing it was possible, or made other arrangements before taking a new job. It’s not his responsibility (and certainly not OP’s) to fix a problem his ex has made for herself.

Show quote history

I did clearly say she should have discussed it before. But actually, no, you don’t get to opt out of parent responsibilities on a technicality. If you are arsed about your child you work together.

poetryandwine · 27/11/2023 12:28

Your last comment is fair enough. Child care, then. They can come early if you need to leave. But you will have to step in to arrange that, inevitably. This girl is part of your family. It is her mother who has pulled the fast one, by not warning you. (Her parents should be splitting the cost of the child care, IMO)

Gcsunnyside23 · 27/11/2023 12:28

I would definitely hold firm on not committing to it. I would maybe offer every other weekend or once a month but not all Saturdays only if you wanted to. Could either set of grandparents help? But ultimately it's up to your husband and his ex to sort amongst themselves

TrashedSofa · 27/11/2023 12:28

I wouldn't be agreeing to any rotas, carpools or whatnot. The risk of mission creep is too high, and if you work FT those weekend days with your preschool aged children are so very valuable. It is not your responsibility or your problem, repeat as often as needed.

Motnight · 27/11/2023 12:28

Why are there so many examples of step kids on Mumsnet who need a 3rd person alongside their perfectly able parents to look after them?

Stick to your guns, Op!