to not give up my Saturdays?

[Frey11]

My husband shares a daughter with his ex who does a hobby. She has practice during the week, which DH and ex take her to depending who's night it is and at the weekend she has a game on a Saturday. The time varies but it's typically around mid day and takes at least a couple of hours.

My husband has always worked Saturday days, he has a day off in the week and works Saturday. We have SD 2 nights a week, one in the week and at the weekend it alternates one week Saturday night with DH collecting on his way home from work and the next weekend it's Sunday night.

SDs mum has just changed jobs which requires her to also work Saturdays. This was never mentioned to us until she'd already taken the job and I'm now being asked to have SD every Saturday and take her to said game. This means my whole day revolves around this as it's always in the middle of the day.

I also have two pre school children and work all week myself. This is my time with them to do things we don't get to do in the week, see friends, soft play etc..

AIBU to not want to do this every Saturday?

I'm usually very much a step-children-are-just-as-much-a-part-of-the-family sort of person (being a stepchild myself), but this is pretty black and white to me.

What would they do if you weren't on the scene? If you and your partner split up, or you were ill or seconded to Timbuktu? It's the assumption that you'll just do it that really rankles. And to be honest, it doesn't matter if you don't want to do it because you want to sit with your thumb up your arse all day and sing sea shanties, you are NOT their unpaid nanny!

Two able-bodied perfectly capable parents this girl has, and between them they can't manage this without impinging on someone else's time, attention and goodwill - and that's without even considering the impact this will have on TWO other children.

They (partner and his ex) are CFs who need to communicate like adults.

I would do it. It’s great that she has a sport. It’s a great role model to your younger two children. And it’s a great way to bond with her. She is a part of your family. I would go out of my way to facilitate this and I think if you can it will do much for your future relationship with her. I think your husband will be grateful too.

Your husband is being very unreasonable to ask this of you. He needs to talk to his daughters mother and together they need to come up with a solution. Perhaps your husband needs to change his work pattern, as its unfair on his ex that he's never available to cover Saturdays, and roping you in in lieu is not a reasonable solution.

Great role model for what??? That their mother gets taken advantage of???

@HaPPy8 I get what you're saying, and I agree to an extent, but that is prioritising one child over the other two, and I don't think it's fair on them OR the OP. I wouldn't want to try to wrangle 2 pre-schoolers in the cold and wet for a couple of hours far from home with no bikes or toys or entertainment, and nothing but a long cramped drive back to look forward to.

Time to up sticks and LTB.

SD's mum needs to either pay for a nanny for the day or your DH needs to. Not your problem though.

Sage advice from @billy1966 as usual :)

There are threads and threads from SM roped into saving the day losing their weekends and holidays and minds being dumped in it by two lazy parents.

Don't let yourself become another thread

It can breed huge resentment.

My children were nice little tennis players and we did the tournament circuit nearby for a few years, during the warmer months.

There were many parents doing this every weekend and dragging several small children with them, hanging around for many hours month in, month out for possibly 8-9,months a year.

Hellish for all involved and so unfair.

We never did it because it just wasn't fair and smaller children shouldn't be put through it IMO.

We weren't talking Wimbledon either, though some parents can get blinded by a child that is nifty in U10's.😁

Eventually I did hear from some parents that their children were kicking up murder and they simply had to start cutting back or leaving the children with family etc.

The whole house cannot revolve around the sporting ambitions of one child.

Hockey is another PITA for travelling to matches, taking up all day🙄

So who is looking after SD whilst the mum is at work?

If the SD is being left in their own that is surely the bigger issue?

The parents need to speak to other parents in the club and see if they can do the Saturday match fixtures. Then maybe your husband / his ex can do the week night drop offs instead.

If she is good maybe the club itself might facilitate to some extent (eg could the trainer be paid extra to pucker up and drop her off?).

I agree you shouldn't do this. SD has 2 parents and you're not one of them.

If the parents were still together they'd have to make other arrangements like GPs or changing the activity to the Sunday y finding a different club/league.

It ruins your whole day and what is your kids want a hobby in a years time? How will that be facilitated? If SC is not old enough to go in a car pool and stay at home on her own then she gives it up.

I wouldn't agree to this, even occasionally.

You already have 2 very young children to look after and you work all week, you should be able to spend Saturdays doing something or nothing with them to spend time together, not have to plan your entire day around your SC. Also it would mean that you don't get either weekend day to do something with just the little ones.

What does your husband say? Mum has really been out of line here to take this job without speaking to your husband about it when she knows it's her time with her daughter and seems like she was automatically relying on you to look after her instead.

Well the OP hasn’t been back with any details so we don’t know.

Is the child 7 and being left home alone (hopefully unlikely!)?
Is the child being dropped at 8am at the OP’s house every week before the mum goes to work?
Is the child 14 and is walking round to OP?
Was it the ex that asked OP to do the Saturday care? What did the OP respond?

Has the job actually started yet? What’s been happening so far?

@Frey11 ?

OP is already busy bonding and having family time with her own two small children. If she doesn't prioritise them, what will it do to their future relationships?

Doubtful she took on a job during a cost of living crisis because she ‘doesn't want’ her child.

I do agree that contact might need to change, it sounds like it’s been worked around dad’s job for quite some time. Yes he works Saturdays, doesn’t sound like it’s for extra money or overtime though. As OP states he has two days off per week, so he works 5 days like most of us.

Respectfully I couldn't agree less.

No bonding at all in this.

Just two young children dragged from home in all weather to stand at the side of a freezing pitch with the cold wind whistling up your arse and a layer of skin being removed from your face.

It going on for hours, the children tired, cold and cranky, just wanting their warm home.

The OP dreading her Saturdays which have been hijacked by two parents who can't communicate and get their shit together for ONE child, and clearly don't give a toss for the two mites it will impact too.

I found it difficult to do it for MY children at times during the bad weather, and I wasn't dragging small children with me.

When I would see the faces of men and women doing it, I felt so sorry for them.

There are lots of ways siblings can bond without putting a step mother and two very small children in such a situation.

I would be so pissed off at them both for having the CFxxkery to even suggest this.

I bet the father does precious little one on one with his very young children for this to be even brought to the OP as an option

Of course it’s not down to you. If your SD parents were still together they would have had to work this out between them. One of them is either going to have up not work Saturdays, or arrange with another parent to take SD

Why? Nobody’s stayed with her up to now. She taken and picked up by different parents.

OP clearly said her mum takes her and often stays to watch.

As far as we know she’s got one child in school and every Sunday off, I’m prepared to be told I’m wrong but I doubt she’s working seven days a week.

OP, is Dad’s day off in the week spent providing childcare for all 3 of his children already?

50/50 including every other weekend would be fairer to SD.

Often isn’t always. She doesn’t need anyone to stay, just get her there safely. It can’t be beyond the wit of man for a team mate’s parents to drop her off and her dad to continue to collect her.

YANBU, not your child, not your problem to resolve.

It doesn’t say anywhere that she is taken and picked up by different parents!?

Agree with others who say your own kids need you.

Her dad doesn’t collect her…

Sport is 12.30-2.30, give or take an hour. Mum drops her off and collects her, dad collects her from mum’s at 4 when he finishes work.