to not give up my Saturdays?

[Frey11]

My husband shares a daughter with his ex who does a hobby. She has practice during the week, which DH and ex take her to depending who's night it is and at the weekend she has a game on a Saturday. The time varies but it's typically around mid day and takes at least a couple of hours.

My husband has always worked Saturday days, he has a day off in the week and works Saturday. We have SD 2 nights a week, one in the week and at the weekend it alternates one week Saturday night with DH collecting on his way home from work and the next weekend it's Sunday night.

SDs mum has just changed jobs which requires her to also work Saturdays. This was never mentioned to us until she'd already taken the job and I'm now being asked to have SD every Saturday and take her to said game. This means my whole day revolves around this as it's always in the middle of the day.

I also have two pre school children and work all week myself. This is my time with them to do things we don't get to do in the week, see friends, soft play etc..

AIBU to not want to do this every Saturday?

Cross post. By ‘your last comment’ I was referring to the one about the rota.

If these two were still married, they wouldn’t have been both able to take jobs necessitating Saturday working without a conversation about childcare, so they can’t do it now.

Is your husband just expecting you will do it, @Frey11 ?

What had been happening before on the Saturdays where your DP had his contact time - who's been picking her up/dropping her off?

Because people post when something awkward comes up, not when everything's ticketyboo

And most families go through a few awkward patches

It is a team yes. It's a sport and the location varies every week depending on where the opposing team is. I feel bad because she absolutely loves it and is actually very good. Her parents need to sort something out. DH may have been able to by now of her mum had actually talked to him about this!

No, you aren’t being unreasonable not to do that. Just say no and let them sort it between themselves.

Mum never worked Saturdays before so always took her and then DH collected her on his way home from work about 4pm.

SD’s dad already works Saturdays and they have an agreed contact schedule. SD’s mum doesn’t get to dictate that changes, or dictate her ex’s partner’s schedule, just because it would suit her.

OP, stand your ground! SD’s mum is taking the piss. I hope your husband is supportive of your stance.

When does/did her new job start?

Has she phoned to ask you to now have the SD from 8am-6pm every Saturday? What has actually been said between you? Have you refused?

Depends on the agreement @TeaKitten. In our houses, if it's your usual 'contact' time, it's up to you to arrange childcare or cover as necessary. You can of course ask the other parent to help out but it doesn't mean that they are able to, or legally have to.

Why are there so many examples of step kids on Mumsnet who need a 3rd person alongside their perfectly able parents to look after them?
Because some parents don't communicate and rely on their ex's partner (usually the father's female partner!) to step up and fill the gap.

People who have amicable and healthy co-parenting relationships aren't likely to be asking for advice online as well.

So can he continue to do pick-up, it's just drop-offs that are an issue (and looking after her until she goes?)

And staying with her alongside entertaining two preschoolers in the cold for hours during the game…

This sort of thing is why I would always be loathe to get involved with a man with children. So many of my friends have been taken advantage of in this way. She's not your child and has two parents who need to sort this out. Don't do it even once. It will never end and you will be resentful. Yes both parents should help, but the father already had a Saturday job so the mother should have thought before changing her days.

No. Her parents need to sort it between themselves.

No, her mom needs to find another job that does not involve Saturday or arrange for someone to take and collect DSD to her hobby from their house, (unless your DH is willing to change his job and not work Saturday).
If not, just carry on with DH picking DSD up on Saturday after work as normal, and dont give in.

Sorry no. To clarify,SDs mum takes and picks up from hobby (often just stays). She is home at her mums house by the time DH collects her at 4.

It's usually around 12- 2;30ish she's at her hobby, give or take and hour.

YANBU

stand your ground, this is down to her parents to resolve. They can’t both work Saturdays, or they find someone who is free to do it. You aren’t free.

Cheeky bastards.

Okay. The earlier arrangement was different from what I took from your original description.

She has been doing her sport independently all this time, so there is no expectation of a family on the sidelines. That is great. So arranging childcare from when you want to leave home with your DC to bring her to the game would work. Her parents should split this cost. They would be doing that if you weren’t on the scene.

If it isn’t convenient for you to pick her up, same thing afterwards.

I read it as there being an issue between her DMum leaving for work, the time of a fixture and getting to that fixture (Her DDad being able to pick her up, as nothing has changed to that bit).

So I didn't think she's have to wrangle the younger siblings at the touch line, just dump and run.

But it sounds as if the likelihood of a fixture is a bit of a red herring - she needs to be somewhere suitable until 4pm every Saturday irrespective of what happens during those hours. Getting to/from fixture might be the least part of it.

How long before she's of an age to be safely home alone?

It’s the presumption that you’ll sort it that gets me, it’s incredibly rude to take a job on that basis. Reply and say you’re happy to help out when you’re free but you’ve got the following plans, then list plans for the next 3 out of 4 Saturdays and get booking activities quickly. Christmas visits to Father Christmas, a Christmas light trail, a lunch with friends etc, whatever you fancy.

That's near enough the whole day blocked out really then, with the give or take an hour bits factored in. Too early to arrange anything in the morning, and by the time she gets home, has a rest and a shower if needed, it'll be near enough time to start the little ones tea.

No, I just wouldn't be willing to agree to it at all. I wouldn't get sucked into a rota either, because as soon as little Isla's mum can't do it because they've got covid/on holiday/cousin's wedding, you'll get asked because they know you're free and have already begun to feel entitled to your help.

Mum needs to sort out childcare or arrange for a parent off the team to collect and bring home

Then childcare

So a Saturday nanny

Don't do it. Won't be fun for your children and sat is your time with them due to working all week

What does dh/dad suggest

If it is you then no

So what is the mum asking you to do on Saturdays now?

Exactly this!

They are still parents, so they need to talk to each other sensibly.

But I suppose their inability to do that is why they split up in the first place.

Not your issue OP, tell your DH to grow up and talk to his ex about a solution.