Page 24 | to not give up my Saturdays?

Frey11 · 2023-11-27T12:07:45+00:00

My husband shares a daughter with his ex who does a hobby. She has practice during the week, which DH and ex take her to depending who's night it is and at the weekend she has a game on a Saturday. The time varies but it's typically around mid day and takes at least a couple of hours. My husband has always worked Saturday days, he has a day off in the week and works Saturday. We have SD 2 nights a week, one in the week and at the weekend it alternates one week Saturday night with DH collecting on his way home from work and the next weekend it's Sunday night. SDs mum has just changed jobs which requires her to also work Saturdays. This was never mentioned to us until she'd already taken the job and I'm now being asked to have SD every Saturday and take her to said game. This means my whole day revolves around this as it's always in the middle of the day. I also have two pre school children and work all week myself. This is my time with them to do things we don't get to do in the week, see friends, soft play etc.. AIBU to not want to do this every Saturday?

pinkyredrose · 03/12/2023 19:15

poetryandwine · 03/12/2023 16:04

OP is the adult. She needs to hold her boundary, with kindness to the girl if not love. It is part of her role. If OP is honouring everyone I believe most girls will cope. The specifics are age dependent which is another reason that information would have been useful.

One also hopes she has other resources. We will never know, because she is long gone.

What's that in English?

UnremarkableBeasts · 03/12/2023 19:51

Honouring is such a weird word to use to describe any of this.

Aimvs123 · 03/12/2023 20:59

Yeah but it’s just as conceivable that the kid will appreciate it and all I’m saying is that I would try it. The OP said the kid was really good at the sport and IMO that should be nurtured by anyone who can help out. Whether that’s aunt, uncle, family friend stepmum whoever. Sports are amazing for physical and mental health etc etc

If she can’t do it why bother post.
She can do it but chooses not to . That’s up to her, I wouldn’t do the same but up to her. However she posted on a public forum, she asked for opinions and I’ve given mine. Maybe it won’t work out, but maybe she’d love being part of the kids hobby, meeting her friends parents etc etc who knows but if it were me I’d give it a go .

I was told the AIBU was full of cynics and now I believe that 💯 😀😀

Aimvs123 · 03/12/2023 21:26

How unnecessarily judgemental and weird

We all work full time and we all do sports and activities both midweek and weekends. It’s around the child not the needs of the adults . That’s how we parent thanks for asking .
Both my boys have played for Chelsea and my stepdaughter has played hockey and only recently given up swimming at borough level. I would do anything to make sure they all get to their clubs and so would their lovely stepmother . I’ve even helped her with her two little ones on occasion, and will continue to as they grow and have more needs if she needs a hand.

I would never make such a rude comment to a perfect stranger . Don’t know why you take so much offence from someone commenting on a public forum - I’ve given my opinion which is what she’s asked for. Sorry you don’t agree. Not sure what your family set up is and I really don’t care, but please don’t comment on mine . We get along quite nicely thanks and I’m so glad considering the hate that comes from here. The level of selfishness is unreal. It’s an innocent child for gods sake.

TrashedSofa · 03/12/2023 21:37

Aimvs123 · 03/12/2023 20:59

Yeah but it’s just as conceivable that the kid will appreciate it and all I’m saying is that I would try it. The OP said the kid was really good at the sport and IMO that should be nurtured by anyone who can help out. Whether that’s aunt, uncle, family friend stepmum whoever. Sports are amazing for physical and mental health etc etc

If she can’t do it why bother post.
She can do it but chooses not to . That’s up to her, I wouldn’t do the same but up to her. However she posted on a public forum, she asked for opinions and I’ve given mine. Maybe it won’t work out, but maybe she’d love being part of the kids hobby, meeting her friends parents etc etc who knows but if it were me I’d give it a go .

I was told the AIBU was full of cynics and now I believe that 💯 😀😀

Big goalpost move there. If you think it's just as onceivable DSD will appreciate it, that means you admit you shouldn't have said she would appreciate it. You've no idea. It was a ridiculous thing to say.

Also, you posting your opinion on a public forum means people get to comment on it just like OPs.

Aimvs123 · 03/12/2023 21:47

I haven’t been rude or used hyperbolic language like ‘ridiculous’

Absolutely happy to have discussions, but not interested in rude people or ones that have missed all the points and want to interrogate . I’ve said all along up to her, I’ve just given some suggestions for my side .
Ive been a step child, my children are step children and I have a step daughter. Lots of experience of blended families and the complexities. We all hang out and meet up at Christmas etc; which is highly unusual but is so good for all the kids. So speaking from MY experiences that’s what I would do. Not been rude, belittled anyone or tried to pick apart anyone’s opinions or arguments . Just offered some insight.

Think I’ll be leaving this forum now.. too many cynical souls. So no need to respond thank you though.

Codlingmoths · 03/12/2023 21:52

MargotBamborough · 03/12/2023 12:28

I have a two year old. He eats his lunch at about 12 and then he naps for a couple of hours.

12:30-2:30 plus travel time is basically the window of time where being at home is more or less non negotiable for us. Occasionally if there is something like a family get together he will eat lunch with everyone and skip his nap and we will just face the consequences later.

There is zero chance I would agree to an arrangement which would mean my toddler couldn't have his lunch and his nap every Saturday, or even one Saturday in three. Zero.

And as soon as he and his sister get past the nap stage I expect they will be at the stage of wanting to go to parties or do hobbies of their own on Saturdays.

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This is how I feel. Absolutely not. Our toddler will never sleep at night again. This is the dhs problem, he’s been enabled to work Saturdays by his wife and his ex wife for a long time. The ex wants to stop enabling him and take up a job of her own then. Fair enough. The dhs reaction to his ex wife not wanting to support his career to the detriment of her own anymore is worth watching for the op- I expect he feels even more strongly that his current wife should manage her life to support his career and she needs to say on repeat 1. It’s not unreasonable of her to not want to support you to work Saturdays anymore, she is your ex 2. <sd name> is your daughter. Your ex wants to work Saturdays, I’m busy with our two and it would spoil their nap, this one is on you to solve.

Aimvs123 · 03/12/2023 22:16

True

funinthesun19 · 03/12/2023 22:54

There is zero chance I would agree to an arrangement which would mean my toddler couldn't have his lunch and his nap every Saturday, or even one Saturday in three. Zero.

And as soon as he and his sister get past the nap stage I expect they will be at the stage of wanting to go to parties or do hobbies of their own on Saturdays.

I agree. And it wouldn’t take me very long at all to feel fed up and resentful if I was in OP’s shoes and agreed to it.

That’s another point actually. Not only is the stepmum expected to do it, but she’s also expected to do it AND be happy/excited and easy going about it too.

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 04/12/2023 00:23

This step child has two healthy capable parents who have chosen between them to offload their parental responsibility for their childs activity onto another woman who already has 2 small children of her own - without even having any sort of discussion with her about it, just expecting her to pick up their slack.

Mind blown 😲

TrashedSofa · 04/12/2023 07:23

Aimvs123 · 03/12/2023 21:47

I haven’t been rude or used hyperbolic language like ‘ridiculous’

Absolutely happy to have discussions, but not interested in rude people or ones that have missed all the points and want to interrogate . I’ve said all along up to her, I’ve just given some suggestions for my side .
Ive been a step child, my children are step children and I have a step daughter. Lots of experience of blended families and the complexities. We all hang out and meet up at Christmas etc; which is highly unusual but is so good for all the kids. So speaking from MY experiences that’s what I would do. Not been rude, belittled anyone or tried to pick apart anyone’s opinions or arguments . Just offered some insight.

Think I’ll be leaving this forum now.. too many cynical souls. So no need to respond thank you though.

You don't quite seem to have understood how aibu works. It's, well, not really a place where that level of attempted tone policing is taken seriously. You aren't entitled to have objectively daft claims about gratitude that you can't possibly back up met with kumbayaing.

UnremarkableBeasts · 04/12/2023 07:30

I do enjoy it when time policers and moral high grounders are throwing around accusations of ‘selfishness’ etc. Especially while complaining people are being rude about them.

Aimvs123 · 04/12/2023 07:41

Wow you’re a real sarcastic treat this morning . Well done you though, high level of intelligence displayed. I must say you really got me.

UnremarkableBeasts · 04/12/2023 07:46

I thought you were flouncing because we’re all just not kind and lovely like you?

TrashedSofa · 04/12/2023 07:49

UnremarkableBeasts · 04/12/2023 07:30

I do enjoy it when time policers and moral high grounders are throwing around accusations of ‘selfishness’ etc. Especially while complaining people are being rude about them.

And whilst thinking they get to tell someone whether they can reply to them or not, speaking of rudeness. I mean, how arrogant!

YireosDodeAver · 04/12/2023 07:59

Yanbu.
This child has 2 parents. If both of them are working on Saturdays then yes they need to make some kind of arrangements for the child but it is absolutely unreasonable for them to expect that to be you every single week. In your position I would agree to do one Saturday per month maximum. The other Saturdays are not your problem. If they moan then be prepared to reduce your offer to once every 6 weeks. Be firm.

Backagain23 · 04/12/2023 10:05

Codlingmoths · 03/12/2023 21:52

This is how I feel. Absolutely not. Our toddler will never sleep at night again. This is the dhs problem, he’s been enabled to work Saturdays by his wife and his ex wife for a long time. The ex wants to stop enabling him and take up a job of her own then. Fair enough. The dhs reaction to his ex wife not wanting to support his career to the detriment of her own anymore is worth watching for the op- I expect he feels even more strongly that his current wife should manage her life to support his career and she needs to say on repeat 1. It’s not unreasonable of her to not want to support you to work Saturdays anymore, she is your ex 2. <sd name> is your daughter. Your ex wants to work Saturdays, I’m busy with our two and it would spoil their nap, this one is on you to solve.

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I broadly agree but I do think the ex does have to do shoulder the lions share of the blame for this situation if she hasn't approached her child's father for a discussion about changing their days around.
She's basically just thrown a stink bomb into the middle of the set up, at her daughter's expense, and tried to offload the responsibility to anyone else. Dad didn't cause any of this.

MargotBamborough · 04/12/2023 10:19

Backagain23 · 04/12/2023 10:05

I broadly agree but I do think the ex does have to do shoulder the lions share of the blame for this situation if she hasn't approached her child's father for a discussion about changing their days around.
She's basically just thrown a stink bomb into the middle of the set up, at her daughter's expense, and tried to offload the responsibility to anyone else. Dad didn't cause any of this.

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Yes, it's not unreasonable for the ex to want to revisit contact arrangements to enable her to work on Saturdays.

But if she knows her daughter's dad also works on Saturdays, she should have approached that by having a conversation about that and asking him whether he could change his own working pattern and have contact on Saturdays so she could work. Just making a unilateral decision and knowing that the OP would be expected to pick up the slack is unacceptable.