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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not give up my Saturdays?

593 replies

Frey11 · 27/11/2023 12:07

My husband shares a daughter with his ex who does a hobby. She has practice during the week, which DH and ex take her to depending who's night it is and at the weekend she has a game on a Saturday. The time varies but it's typically around mid day and takes at least a couple of hours.

My husband has always worked Saturday days, he has a day off in the week and works Saturday. We have SD 2 nights a week, one in the week and at the weekend it alternates one week Saturday night with DH collecting on his way home from work and the next weekend it's Sunday night.

SDs mum has just changed jobs which requires her to also work Saturdays. This was never mentioned to us until she'd already taken the job and I'm now being asked to have SD every Saturday and take her to said game. This means my whole day revolves around this as it's always in the middle of the day.

I also have two pre school children and work all week myself. This is my time with them to do things we don't get to do in the week, see friends, soft play etc..

AIBU to not want to do this every Saturday?

OP posts:
Sparehair · 27/11/2023 13:49

How old is DSD? Is she old enough to reasonably be expected to get there herself ( at least to home games) and to be at home on her own before and after?

sollenwir · 27/11/2023 13:49

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 27/11/2023 12:15

Could you do every other weekend? Maybe see if there are any other parents who you could do a rota with?

This isn't her responsibility - the odd emergency here and there/stand in, but not regularly.

FrippEnos · 27/11/2023 13:51

ConsistentlyElectrifiedElves

I think the ex has actually been quite generous in facilitating the sporting events on a Saturday when it's the father's weekend to have her. That's more generous than she strictly needed to be.

The OP has explained the schedule. and this is not the case.
I am not sure why some posters are trying to make it the case.

ShennyInfinity · 27/11/2023 13:53

Definitely do not give up your Saturdays, it's your time with your children and don't engage with any arrangement including other parents taking it in turns. My worry here is if you do decide to go ahead and do it you'll be opening yourself up to other things the parents can't engage in. I think it's unreasonable to even ask you because it's put you on the spot and probably will feel guilty if you say no, but don't.

CharlotteBog · 27/11/2023 13:53

The poor kid also never gets a parent actually watching her play her w/e matches.

AuntieStella · 27/11/2023 13:53

Sparehair · 27/11/2023 13:49

How old is DSD? Is she old enough to reasonably be expected to get there herself ( at least to home games) and to be at home on her own before and after?

It's been asked several times now, and I hope OP is able to answer - not least as it makes a considerable difference to the range of potential solutions.

If she is old enough to be home alone and its just ferrying her to and from fixtures, then that's much easier to sort out than needing childcare on a Saturday to cover all the mother's working hours until father picks up

AbondonedThemePark · 27/11/2023 13:55

They need to sort it out between them.

However, I wonder if she's pissed off that she has had to do this every week because your husband works, whilst your husband has a day off to himself during the week.

It's up to her to sort things one week without involving you, but I think equally it's up to your husband to sort it the next., also without using you as a nanny.

Poppy128xx · 27/11/2023 13:55

Hi OP, fellow step-mother here and you are most definitely not being unreasonable.

Make sure you have a clear discussion with your DP and say this is not something you will be doing. If you even do it just once it will then become expected by everyone which just isn't fair.

I know a lot of posters here may think it's not unreasonable of DSD's mother to take a job on a Saturday as she has a work to earn more money, however when you divorce there are contact schedules put in place for a reason. Your DH has worked a Saturday I'm presuming post separation so not sure why DSD's mother could think she could accept a job knowing her daughter's father is at work. If they were still together she would have been unable to accept this job. This makes it even more obvious to me that she just expected you to take DSD to her hobby. This is quite simply outrageous and your DH needs to speak to her about this ASAP. She has the one who has changed the contact schedule.

Seaweed42 · 27/11/2023 13:55

So it's only every second week.
Another person has agreed to collect her and then your DH can collect as usual?

So it's only every other Sat that you'd need to wait indoors until 12-12.30 til she's collected by another parent?

Or would she need to be dropped by her Mum to yours at 8am on the Saturday before she goes to work?

Sparehair · 27/11/2023 13:56

AuntieStella · 27/11/2023 13:53

It's been asked several times now, and I hope OP is able to answer - not least as it makes a considerable difference to the range of potential solutions.

If she is old enough to be home alone and its just ferrying her to and from fixtures, then that's much easier to sort out than needing childcare on a Saturday to cover all the mother's working hours until father picks up

Show quote history

Yeah- I guess my angle is that if the SD could sort out lifts or get the bus 3 weeks in 4 then as the SM in this scenario I would do it once a month. But I really wouldn’t be doing all day childcare or being trapped in the house waiting for her to be picked up and dropped home.

so her being 14 vs 10 is a huge difference

HelenaCh9 · 27/11/2023 13:56

I’d be emergency backup but no more. And if “emergencies” started happening every third week I’d be withdrawing that offer too.

billy1966 · 27/11/2023 13:59

We have had this scenario with team sports for a decade plus.

We never dragged younger children along, particularly to matches because its not fair on siblings and hell for all involved, particularly during the colder months.
We juggled among ourselves and shared runs too at times with other parents.

This is NOT your headache to solve at any level.

You need to push back hard on any suggestion that YOU who are running around as it is after two small children, should now be responsible for a 3rd.

This is when your position clarifies as skivvy au pair to both your partner and your ex.

They both need to get their shit together and communicate and not reach for the nearest busy MUG.....aka....YOU.

Do not engage at all with solving or suggesting solutions to this.

They both want to make it a YOU problem to solve, when it is abundantly clear it is THEM problem to sort out.

This will be your future if you give an inch on this issue.

YouJustDoYou · 27/11/2023 13:59

Your dh needs to sort this out. My oldest also had a sport that required at least three hours out of the day to do, he loved it but I'm often on my own, no family etc to help, and his poor sisters were bored out of their minds, cold, and miserable having to do it. We ended up giving it up, as it just wasn't fun. Don't give in op, her parents need to sort this out, not you.

Poppy128xx · 27/11/2023 14:01

The contact schedule for DSD to see her Dad is from 4pm on a Saturday and all day Sunday. DSD's mother has just accepted a job during her contact time during the day on a Saturday without consulting anyone first about it.

How can anyone possibly say this is OP's husband's fault too?!?

JANEY205 · 27/11/2023 14:03

I wouldn’t do this to my own children to facilitate another child’s sport when they have two parents and other options to sort it. If she can’t continue playing that is on her mother who took a job on the day she knows she plays matches. If you didn’t exist what would they be doing?

WowOK · 27/11/2023 14:09

Absolutely not. She did not ask. She doesnt get to ddictate your Saturday. It her problem to solve.

OhComeOnFFS · 27/11/2023 14:09

VickyEadieofThigh · 27/11/2023 12:12

That you have children of your own who need time with their mum at weekends is all I need to hear.

It's down to SD's TWO parents to sort this out.

It wouldn't matter if she didn't have any children. It's not her job to take her SC to her hobby.

Nowherenew · 27/11/2023 14:12

This is not fair and I wouldn’t start it.

As PPs have said I’d be more than happy to do it as a back up but not do it every Saturday.

How old is she?
Could she get herself there by public transport and then DH pick her up as normal?
Or could another parent/grandparent drop her off instead.

I think mum has been very cheeky getting a Saturday job, with no childcare.

Crayfishhe · 27/11/2023 14:13

In OP’s shoes I’d sit down with my husband and talk about changing the custody schedule.

SD’s mum unilaterally deciding to take this job means she won’t spend any time with her daughter (because Sunday is always dad’s contact time and now she doesn’t want Saturday either). If OP and husband have SD 50% or more, he won’t have to pay CMS and might be able to drop the Saturday working meaning he can take SD to her sport and be around more for OP and the other children too.

poetryandwine · 27/11/2023 14:19

OP, does your DH have a CAO in place? If so it sounds like the mum has violated it by absenting herself Saturday daytimes. @Poppy128xx essentially had this idea. I take Poppy’s point that the expense of childcare around the sporting arrangements ought to be more the mum’s but I think sharing it may be pragmatic, particularly if DH can reduce CM in consequence.

KingsleyBorder · 27/11/2023 14:19

Take the sport out of this.

It’s simple:

SD is looked after by her Mum every Saturday until 4pm. Every second Saturday her Dad picks her up at 4pm.

SD’s mother has now said she will be unable to care for her daughter on Saturdays due to work.

The child’s father is also at work every Saturday until 4pm.

They need to work out who is going to care for SD while her Mum is at work. This problem remains even if SD were to give up the sport tomorrow.

The parents have fucked up here. You are rightly not leaping to sort this out for them by volunteering your own time.

I don’t think you have said whether it is just ex wife who wants you to take up the slack, or whether your husband is also expecting this?

AdoraBell · 27/11/2023 14:21

YANBU. Say no and stick to it or they will walk all over you.

Lemonyfuckit · 27/11/2023 14:23

Nope, this is down to her two parents to take care of, end of.

3luckystars · 27/11/2023 14:24

No way would I do this, even once.
She has two parents who both work Saturdays, so either a grandparent or childminder brings her, or they arrange a taxi, or she does it a different day.

Absolutely no way should you get landed with this.

ManchesterLu · 27/11/2023 14:26

Nope nope nope nope nope. This is absolutely not your responsibility to be doing. It's one of her parents who should be changing their plans to make this work, not yours. She should be THEIR priority if it's that important.