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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not give up my Saturdays?

593 replies

Frey11 · 27/11/2023 12:07

My husband shares a daughter with his ex who does a hobby. She has practice during the week, which DH and ex take her to depending who's night it is and at the weekend she has a game on a Saturday. The time varies but it's typically around mid day and takes at least a couple of hours.

My husband has always worked Saturday days, he has a day off in the week and works Saturday. We have SD 2 nights a week, one in the week and at the weekend it alternates one week Saturday night with DH collecting on his way home from work and the next weekend it's Sunday night.

SDs mum has just changed jobs which requires her to also work Saturdays. This was never mentioned to us until she'd already taken the job and I'm now being asked to have SD every Saturday and take her to said game. This means my whole day revolves around this as it's always in the middle of the day.

I also have two pre school children and work all week myself. This is my time with them to do things we don't get to do in the week, see friends, soft play etc..

AIBU to not want to do this every Saturday?

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 27/11/2023 12:44

No way, Jose! She should have asked BEFORE she took the job. She is being a CF. (Also, I am sure that this would mean that your DH could potentially pay less CM if you guys committed to every Saturday, but frankly it’s not feasible with two little ones who will soon be doing activities of their own.)

FirstTime8717 · 27/11/2023 12:45

YANBU. That's right in the middle of the day. You can't do anything in the morning or the afternoon. Not your problem. Your DH and his ex need to figure it out.

pinkyredrose · 27/11/2023 12:46

How old is she, can she get the bus?

Lachimolala · 27/11/2023 12:46

Crayfishhe · 27/11/2023 12:33

SD’s dad already works Saturdays and they have an agreed contact schedule. SD’s mum doesn’t get to dictate that changes, or dictate her ex’s partner’s schedule, just because it would suit her.

OP, stand your ground! SD’s mum is taking the piss. I hope your husband is supportive of your stance.

Show quote history

Sounds like dad picks up on a Saturday, so mum has been facilitating his work schedule for quite some time. Perhaps he could work with mum to help facilitate hers? Seeing as it’s a shared contact day.

Either way it’s not for OP to sort, sounds like the pressure is coming from her DH though.

OP this is an issue for SD’s mum and dad to sort. Leave them to it.

grass67 · 27/11/2023 12:47

Goodness NO! I always pushed mine into hobbies or clubs that were midweek. Committing to every weekend is very tough.

enchantedsquirrelwood · 27/11/2023 12:48

In our houses, if it's your usual 'contact' time, it's up to you to arrange childcare or cover as necessary. You can of course ask the other parent to help out but it doesn't mean that they are able to, or legally have to

Well they bloody well SHOULD have to! They are still parents - you don't get to opt out because it's not your weekend! Outrageous attitude - no wonder so many people are divorced - clear inability to be an adult and look after children properly.

How can you say there is no legal requirement to put your children first because it's not your weekend?

Of all the things I've seen on MN, this really takes the biscuit. They walk among us, and thank goodness they weren't my parents.

MikeRafone · 27/11/2023 12:48

No, they'll need to use plan B

childcare.co.uk has babysitters etc who may well be able not give up a couple of hours on a Saturday and take this dvd to her hobby. Of course they'll have to pay

ReviewingTheSituation · 27/11/2023 12:50

It's not just the time at the activity and getting there/home though? It's surely the whole day, as SD can't be left on her own at home. So even if another parent could take/she could get the bus etc etc, she still needs caring for pre/post the activity.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/11/2023 12:50

I agree this is between the two parents to sort out. Not your responsibility.

The mum should definitely have told your DH in advance that she was looking at taking a job on Saturdays so they could have planned. But they’ll have to do that now!

Elfandwellbeing · 27/11/2023 12:51

H mmm 🤔 not a chance, she has two parents and if they can’t work it out it is not your responsibility to. However, your dh will argue you are helping him.

Purplecatshopaholic · 27/11/2023 12:51

Nope, just nope. Dont do it op - once you start that, the pattern is set. It’s for your DH to sort, with his ex.

LuluBlakey1 · 27/11/2023 12:51

I can't see why the arrangements need to change at all.

Your DH had contact time and he did his bit. SD's mum has changed her routine and seems to think it's ok to dump SD every Saturday at your house knowing her dad works and is not ever there on a Saturday- so this is not about her spending time with her dad, it is about her mum getting free child care. Saturday is one of her days with her mum so it is for her mum to sort out childcare and transport to and from the sport.

Is it possible for your DH to work alternate Saturdays- in which case he could help?

MikeRafone · 27/11/2023 12:52

enchantedsquirrelwood · 27/11/2023 12:48

In our houses, if it's your usual 'contact' time, it's up to you to arrange childcare or cover as necessary. You can of course ask the other parent to help out but it doesn't mean that they are able to, or legally have to

Well they bloody well SHOULD have to! They are still parents - you don't get to opt out because it's not your weekend! Outrageous attitude - no wonder so many people are divorced - clear inability to be an adult and look after children properly.

How can you say there is no legal requirement to put your children first because it's not your weekend?

Of all the things I've seen on MN, this really takes the biscuit. They walk among us, and thank goodness they weren't my parents.

If parents don't have this type of rule, unfortunately there would be many parents that just leave the other parent to pick up the slack continuously. You may have been very lucky to have divorced parents that parented together - but not everyone is that fortunate.

DidiAskYouThough · 27/11/2023 12:52

You don’t need to explain timings, logistics or reasons. You could decline being free childcare simply because you want to stare out the window. Whoever is trying to get you to do this, say no, of course. The kids two parents are responsible for figuring out parenting.

Dramatic · 27/11/2023 12:52

enchantedsquirrelwood · 27/11/2023 12:48

In our houses, if it's your usual 'contact' time, it's up to you to arrange childcare or cover as necessary. You can of course ask the other parent to help out but it doesn't mean that they are able to, or legally have to

Well they bloody well SHOULD have to! They are still parents - you don't get to opt out because it's not your weekend! Outrageous attitude - no wonder so many people are divorced - clear inability to be an adult and look after children properly.

How can you say there is no legal requirement to put your children first because it's not your weekend?

Of all the things I've seen on MN, this really takes the biscuit. They walk among us, and thank goodness they weren't my parents.

What on earth are you talking about? If this girls two parents were still married then she simply wouldn't have been able to take the job, why is she suddenly allowed to do whatever she wants and not think about childcare/expects the other parent to pick up the slack?

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 27/11/2023 12:53

Are you the paid nanny?

nope.

Don’t do it. Not your kids, not your problem. Stand firm.

Elfandwellbeing · 27/11/2023 12:54

One parent can’t unilaterally decide what the other parent has to do, living together or not. And an ex certainly cannot impose on a step parent. she is selfish and probably thinks she’s being really clever.

Shinyandnew1 · 27/11/2023 12:55

and I'm now being asked to have SD every Saturday and take her to said game.

Who has asked you?
What have you said?
When does this new job/arrangement begin?

wildwestpioneer · 27/11/2023 12:56

YANBU it's for your dh and his ex to resolve this issue. They can either take it in turns to have Saturday off, or one of them changes their days off so they no longer work Saturdays.

You dh is actually being a bit of a cf, he has a day off in the week when the dc are at school so he has a day to himself, and he's expecting you to forgo your day to look after HIS child - errrrr nope. As for the ex, she should have discussed this with your dh before accepting a job that involves a Saturday, I'm guessing she thought 'oh op can do it' = CF #2

I'm all for helping out and as a blended family sometimes you have to put yourself out. But the fact it's now a done deal and no one has had the common curtesy to speak to you beforehand would result in a firm no if I was in your shoes.

NorthernSpirit · 27/11/2023 12:57

Absolutely do not do this.

I have 2 SC & my OH’s EW has tried to pull the same shit.

She signed both kids up for activities every Saturday without asking dad. One had to be in one place & the 2nd in a totally different place at the same time (so absolutely impossible to facilitate both kids).

Oh ‘NorthernSpirit’ can do one of them.

No she can’t.

They have 2 parents - let them facilitate or you will loose your Sat and get absolutely no thanks for it.

Crayfishhe · 27/11/2023 13:00

I’m guessing the dad’s day off in the week is to provide childcare for the youngest two, and collect SD from school for her day in the week she spends with him?

How did this arrangement come about OP? I’m guessing his ex insisted on having primary custody?

grass67 · 27/11/2023 13:00

@Elfandwellbeing

To be fair you don't know if the mum has been helping out the dad all these years.
I know plenty of mums who collect from school when it's not their night. Then dad picks them up from Mums after work. If they needed to change jobs, they would have to ask dad to do pick up.

SpringleDingle · 27/11/2023 13:02

One parent cannot unilateraly change their availability and expect the other parent to pick up the slack. It's totally different in the event of illness when you might exect Dad / Mum to pick up instead of you because you were unwell. In this case Dad has a job and everyone knows that he works Saturdays. Mum now wants to work Saturday. She should have discussed this with Dad BEFORE looking for an accepting a job because he is not available to have his daughter then and she knew that. This is the same if you are married or divorced. One parent can't make decisions that significantly impact the working schedule of the other parent without discussion. Now if she'd spoken to him and he wouldn't flex to allow her to work full time or a new role or whatever to allow her to earn a decent wage / get a better career etc.. then he'd be an arse but it has to be cooperative.

As for the OP - this hasn't really got much to do with her at all. I certainly wouldn't inconvenience 2 small kids every Saturday to facilitate one larger kid's hobby (even if all 3 were mine). You could, if you were nice, have larger kid join you and 2 smalls for Saturdays but the activities would need to be suitable for all or at least taking it turns between the 3 kids to choose. If big kid needs to go to her Saturday hobby then one or other parent needs to sort that out.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 27/11/2023 13:02

Down to parents to sort out. Even if you didn’t have DC of your own why should you have to give up your Saturday weekend day for this?

Your DH but also his ex should make themselves available. Why is the ex taking a Saturday job when she knows her ex won’t be available and her DC has to go to hobby/sports class.

Viviennemary · 27/11/2023 13:03

No. She will need to make a different arrangement. The child can do the hobby at a different time, miss it altogether or the mum arranges a childminder. But