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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Meeting DD's "partner" before they have even slept together?

322 replies

EAC12 · 27/11/2023 06:57

I realise this might sound a bit personal which is why I'm asking on an anonymous forum vs irl friends as it isn't something I would usually discuss with anyone. However I have 3 adult children and this is quite odd compared to the other 2. DD has just met her "partner"'s family (she is 23) and we are due to meet him next week they have been "dating" for about 5 months now. A joke was made with her from her sister very casually and DD replied with "oh we haven't slept together yet". Obviously that is entirely up to her but it feels quite serious to be calling him a partner and meeting each others family when they aren't even at that stage yet, surely? They went to Rome last week so I think we all assumed it was quite serious. I'm unsure if I should be encouraging her to maybe wait for the official meets and maybe not portray it in the way it is? I just worry about if it doesn't work out and it's all out in the open as much as it is. AIBU?

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 27/11/2023 06:59

It’s nobody’s business when or if they’ve had sex. She wants you to meet him, so meet him.

VioletPickles · 27/11/2023 07:00

What Dusty said. You are over thinking this massively. Just meet him, and get on with your day. There is no issue here.

Needmorelego · 27/11/2023 07:00

A lot of "the younger generation" use the word "partner' when they basically mean boyfriend/girlfriend. It's just a thing they do.

LolaSmiles · 27/11/2023 07:01

Does it matter? Why would sleeping together be a set milestone before meeting parents? Some people choose not to sleep together until marriage and they meet families before marriage.

It seems a bit of a stretch to call each other partners though. To me a partner is a long term committed relationship where the two people are building a life together.

olympicsrock · 27/11/2023 07:01

Not having had sex doesn’t mean they are not serious.

SoftKittyBazinga · 27/11/2023 07:02

So what if they’ve not slept together. Some people wait. It doesn’t make their relationship any less important. If this person is important to your daughter you meet him and treat him as you would any other boyfriend.

VioletPickles · 27/11/2023 07:02

Also, what does this bit mean?

I'm unsure if I should be encouraging her to maybe wait for the official meets and maybe not portray it in the way it is? I just worry about if it doesn't work out and it's all out in the open as much as it is.

? official meets? Portraying what? And what does that matter? Is there something wrong with things being out in the open?

Tryingtokeepcalmandcarryon · 27/11/2023 07:02

Maybe she’s taking things slowly in that way as they are really keen on each other and think this could be a long term thing. I also think going away to Rome is quite a serious step. I guess I would be a bit puzzled what they are waiting for but all totally up to them.

Original poster
EAC12 · 27/11/2023 07:03

I completely understand it's no one's business, I'm just worried how serious it's being portrayed when it could lead to a potentially more awkward breakup if it doesn't work when at that stage

I always knew meeting the family as being a very big deal

OP posts:
MargotBamborough · 27/11/2023 07:03

You know that some people don't have sex before marriage, right?

If your daughter has been with this guy for five months and they haven't slept together yet it shows they are together for reasons other than just sex.

DustyLee123 · 27/11/2023 07:03

Meeting the family is not a big deal, it doesn’t mean they are getting engaged.

MargotBamborough · 27/11/2023 07:04

EAC12 · 27/11/2023 07:03

I completely understand it's no one's business, I'm just worried how serious it's being portrayed when it could lead to a potentially more awkward breakup if it doesn't work when at that stage

I always knew meeting the family as being a very big deal

Why do you think their breakup would be more or less awkward depending on whether they have or haven't had sex? I don't get it.

Whatever you do, if they do break up, don't make it about you.

SashaBIu · 27/11/2023 07:04

What a crazy way to look at a relationship.

NoSquirrels · 27/11/2023 07:04

Potentially more awkward for whom?

If your DD wants you to meet them, meet them. If they subsequently split up, why is it then more awkward?

Hotchocolatemousse · 27/11/2023 07:05

I think it's refreshing that she's taking time to find out whether they're compatible before sleeping together. Usually people do it the other way round and get themselves in a mess. You have a young woman there with good, strong boundaries. Would you rather she slept around with every guy she met and got herself into a pickle?

Original poster
EAC12 · 27/11/2023 07:06

To be fair she uses boyfriend and partner interchangeably. I guess I'm just surprised as it being considered they're properly together when not reached that milestone but then me and my other 2 always found that to be an important part of knowing if you're compatible

OP posts:
KrisAkabusi · 27/11/2023 07:06

Why do you think their breakup would be more or less awkward depending on whether they have or haven't had sex? I don't get it.

This. You're not making any sense.

TeacherGiftAdvice · 27/11/2023 07:07

Well, if that was the rule DH and I wouldn't have met each others parents until after we were married.
I don't think sex is a measure of seriousness in a relationship. I mean really some people have one night stands so your logic doesn't really stand up.

GoingOffOnATangent · 27/11/2023 07:07

Your worried they might break up after meeting each others family.
Even if meeting the family is a marker of a serious relationship, and it isn't always, you're worrying unnecessarily.

Original poster
EAC12 · 27/11/2023 07:08

No I just mean if they don't know they're compatible/comfortable enough to do that then it feels like they can't be as sure on the future = potentially more likely to break up and so I think it's more risky to portray it so seriously, that's all

OP posts:
Combusting · 27/11/2023 07:08

I find your fixation on your daughter’s sex life very disturbing.

Notamum12345577 · 27/11/2023 07:08

So in your mind a relationship cannot be serious until the couple have had sex?
I think I might do my first ever vote on here!

NoSquirrels · 27/11/2023 07:08

Btw, OP, I don’t disagree that not having had sex after 5 months dating is quite unusual in this day and age, and you’d probably rather you didn’t know one way or the other, as contemplating our children’s sex lives (or lack of) is ‘awkward’. But it’s truly got bog all relevance to whether you meet this person or not. Your DD wants to introduce you. That’s her call. Let her get on with it.

Original poster
EAC12 · 27/11/2023 07:10

Exactly! Wasn't thinking of her sex life at all until that comment was made, I'm not fixated on it

OP posts:
MrsWhites · 27/11/2023 07:10

I think it’s refreshing that she isn’t jumping into that element of a relationship and nice that he seemingly isn’t pressuring her either.

I’d be very pleased personally if I was her mother, I think it’s rather sad that you don’t seem to value her relationship just because they haven’t slept together yet.