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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Meeting DD's "partner" before they have even slept together?

322 replies

EAC12 · 27/11/2023 06:57

I realise this might sound a bit personal which is why I'm asking on an anonymous forum vs irl friends as it isn't something I would usually discuss with anyone. However I have 3 adult children and this is quite odd compared to the other 2. DD has just met her "partner"'s family (she is 23) and we are due to meet him next week they have been "dating" for about 5 months now. A joke was made with her from her sister very casually and DD replied with "oh we haven't slept together yet". Obviously that is entirely up to her but it feels quite serious to be calling him a partner and meeting each others family when they aren't even at that stage yet, surely? They went to Rome last week so I think we all assumed it was quite serious. I'm unsure if I should be encouraging her to maybe wait for the official meets and maybe not portray it in the way it is? I just worry about if it doesn't work out and it's all out in the open as much as it is. AIBU?

OP posts:
myotherkidisacassowary · 27/11/2023 07:10

Meeting parents isn’t necessarily the big milestone you view it as. I know that some people wouldn’t introduce a partner to their parents unless they were on the brink of getting engaged but many people are happy for parents to meet partners even if it’s still fairly early on.

Whether or not they’ve had sex is a totally separate event which has nothing to do with you meeting him and isn’t a sign of how serious their relationship is.

FlamingoQueen · 27/11/2023 07:10

Gosh! So if she were to bring home someone else you’d ask if they’d had sex before inviting him in for a cuppa? (I know that’s ridiculous but that’s what it sounds like!).

Hotchocolatemousse · 27/11/2023 07:11

If both their respective families are bat shit crazy they can split before getting too serious. Meeting families earlier is a good way to screen unsuitable potential future in laws. You only have to read the mad and bad mil stories on here to think they should have dumped the guy as soon as mummy came on the scene.

SutWytTi · 27/11/2023 07:11

EAC12 · 27/11/2023 07:03

I completely understand it's no one's business, I'm just worried how serious it's being portrayed when it could lead to a potentially more awkward breakup if it doesn't work when at that stage

I always knew meeting the family as being a very big deal

Meeting the family is not a big deal IMO.

You're really overthinking this. They've been dating five months. It's weird you would even consider their sex life, it's none of your business.

MargotBamborough · 27/11/2023 07:11

EAC12 · 27/11/2023 07:08

No I just mean if they don't know they're compatible/comfortable enough to do that then it feels like they can't be as sure on the future = potentially more likely to break up and so I think it's more risky to portray it so seriously, that's all

What an odd way of looking at things.

Are you the sort of mother who treats meeting the boyfriend as a sort of unspoken engagement announcement and acts as though the wedding was called off when all the guests were waiting inside the church in their finery and the bride had just got out of the car if it doesn’t work out?

Don't be that sort of mother please.

If you meet him and they subsequently break up, you say, "Never mind DD, plenty more fish in the sea", you don't get involved and you certainly don't talk about her breakup being awkward for you.

OneMoreStepAlongTheRoadIGo · 27/11/2023 07:12

Er. Your daughter's veen dating for 5 months and you've not met them yet?!

I'd hope to meet any of mine by then 😂

itsgettingweird · 27/11/2023 07:13

Lots of people don't believe in sex before marriage.

What happens at the wedding?!

They've been together 5 months not 5 minutes and are in their 20's. You're over thinking this.

MassageForLife · 27/11/2023 07:13

It's been five months. I wouldn't say that's too soon.
I can't imagine being so invested in my child's sex life that I wouldn't want to meet their partner unless I knew they were shagging.

SutWytTi · 27/11/2023 07:13

EAC12 · 27/11/2023 07:08

No I just mean if they don't know they're compatible/comfortable enough to do that then it feels like they can't be as sure on the future = potentially more likely to break up and so I think it's more risky to portray it so seriously, that's all

Meeting family is not serious, that's where you're going a bit astray in your thinking.

NoSquirrels · 27/11/2023 07:13

EAC12 · 27/11/2023 07:08

No I just mean if they don't know they're compatible/comfortable enough to do that then it feels like they can't be as sure on the future = potentially more likely to break up and so I think it's more risky to portray it so seriously, that's all

’risky’ to whom, though?

Your DD has a romantic interest she’d like you to meet. That’s it. No drama. Whatever happens after that is up to her and the boyfriend. There no risk, it’s already a serious relationship to her and you don’t have to react differently whether they have or haven’t had sex. Mostly because that’s none of your business Grin

RogersOrganismicProcess · 27/11/2023 07:13

Is your glass always this empty?

Have you questioned other decisions your DD has made?

If so, what is going on for you: Lack of control/fear?

I wonder what that would be like for her?

Odd that you would only be interested in meeting someone significant to her, if they had had sex. It sounds like they have made the decision to take things more slowly. Why would that be uncomfortable for her own mother?

OneMoreStepAlongTheRoadIGo · 27/11/2023 07:13

And on the flip side - if one of your kids had a lot of short term boyfriends, but they'd slept with them all, you'd be hapoy meeting a string of them?

This makes absolutely no sense. I'd love it if my daughter was This sensible!

HoppingPavlova · 27/11/2023 07:15

I'm unsure if I should be encouraging her to maybe wait for the official meets and maybe not portray it in the way it is? I just worry about if it doesn't work out and it's all out in the open as much as it is. AIBU?

I have adult kids and no idea what any of the above means? Portray what? It’s ’out in the open’? Surely you just meet the person who tags along with her and are polite to them? Why does it have to be any more complicated than that?

Kittenkitty · 27/11/2023 07:15

Should she bring her one night stands over for breakfast?

Maybe they are compatible sexually - they’re both choosing to wait and build a relationship before jumping into bed. Suggests some level of compatibility. Shared values and belief systems.

I think it’s sad that you’re judging her relationship by your own standards. She wants you to meet him, meet him.

OneMoreStepAlongTheRoadIGo · 27/11/2023 07:16

( or maybe this is why your kids don't introduce boumyfriends and partners to you until they're about to get married... as they know what you're like?!)

Relax. Be friendly and approachable. Don't make it into a "thing". Presumably you've met their school friends/college friends before this is just an older extension of this. (And you presumably met who they dated when they were living with you?!)

limefrog · 27/11/2023 07:16

A 5 month relationship for someone in their early 20's is getting into serious territory, certainly enough to meet family. Whether or not they have had sex is completely irrelevant and frankly a weird thing for a parent to be concerned about.

Romeiswheretheheartis · 27/11/2023 07:16

I can't think of anything more awkward for your dd (and her partner) than to be told No, we don't want to meet your boyfriend yet, but let us know when you've slept with him and then you can reveal him to us!

I introduced various partners to my parents in my time, none of whom I'm with now. Having slept together had no bearing at all on the longevity of the relationships.

Vet73 · 27/11/2023 07:16

You have no idea how far they’ve gone intimately. They might have done everything except PIV, there might be a reason for it. I think it’s really odd that you would only want to meet a partner if they were sleeping with your daughter. Don’t you ever meet your daughter’s friends or anyone else important to her?

MrSneeze · 27/11/2023 07:16

Combusting · 27/11/2023 07:08

I find your fixation on your daughter’s sex life very disturbing.

This. Very weird post. Very weird fixation.

110APiccadilly · 27/11/2023 07:16

DH and I didn't sleep together until after we were married. We did meet each other's families well before that point! You're over-thinking it. They clearly get on well and have been together five months.

ohchoche · 27/11/2023 07:17

Maybe they are asexual. Maybe she will marry him and spend the next 60 years together and never have sex. Will you still then not meet him?

Plus don't you meet your daughter's friends? So what if they haven't had sex.

CeilingWacks · 27/11/2023 07:19

  1. there's no official order in which these things need to be done. Who decided shagging should come before a cup of tea with parents?!

  2. I've heard it told that even couples who've been merrily shagging for years can still split up.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 27/11/2023 07:19

They've been together 5 months and she hasn't introduced you? I can't imagine why....

MaryMcI · 27/11/2023 07:19

MrSneeze · 27/11/2023 07:16

This. Very weird post. Very weird fixation.

Show quote history

Yes, utterly bizarre.

jemenfous37 · 27/11/2023 07:19

You are far too over-invested in your daughter's life.
So they haven't had sex; that is neither a good thing nor a bad thing. Nor is it any of your business.
You think couples can only know if they are in a 'partnership' if they have screwd each other senseless?
Beggars belief