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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Meeting DD's "partner" before they have even slept together?

322 replies

EAC12 · 27/11/2023 06:57

I realise this might sound a bit personal which is why I'm asking on an anonymous forum vs irl friends as it isn't something I would usually discuss with anyone. However I have 3 adult children and this is quite odd compared to the other 2. DD has just met her "partner"'s family (she is 23) and we are due to meet him next week they have been "dating" for about 5 months now. A joke was made with her from her sister very casually and DD replied with "oh we haven't slept together yet". Obviously that is entirely up to her but it feels quite serious to be calling him a partner and meeting each others family when they aren't even at that stage yet, surely? They went to Rome last week so I think we all assumed it was quite serious. I'm unsure if I should be encouraging her to maybe wait for the official meets and maybe not portray it in the way it is? I just worry about if it doesn't work out and it's all out in the open as much as it is. AIBU?

OP posts:
Wordsmithery · 27/11/2023 08:52

This is such an odd way to be thinking! Your daughter wants you to meet someone special to her. End of.

willWillSmithsmith · 27/11/2023 08:52

EAC12 · 27/11/2023 07:03

I completely understand it's no one's business, I'm just worried how serious it's being portrayed when it could lead to a potentially more awkward breakup if it doesn't work when at that stage

I always knew meeting the family as being a very big deal

You really have a very odd way of looking at this. The only thing I worried about when meeting my son’s gf for the first time was I hope she likes the food I’ve provided.

Talk about over thinking.

DianaTiana · 27/11/2023 08:52

You're blowing the 'meeting the parents' out of all proportion. I think I met all my DD's boyfriends within a couple of days! It was no more than 'nice to meet you, would you like a cup of tea?' Chat for ten minutes then get on with something else. Would never have occurred to me to think about their sex life!

Ohnoooooooo · 27/11/2023 08:53

Wow

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 27/11/2023 08:54

You could always text him and say "Hi John, I know my DD would like us to meet but best postponed until after you've slept with her in case there's no chemistry/compatability".

Or you could behave normally and just mert the guy as your daughter has asked you to.

You are veing very strange in your line of thinking.

Thepeopleversuswork · 27/11/2023 08:55

There's two completely separate issues here which are only superficially related:

  • Whether or not its appropriate for a relatively new relationship to be presented as a "partnership" (with parents involved etc)
  • Whether or not its relevant that two people have had sex before presenting themselves as being in a committed relationship

I would say the OP's position is reasonable on the first point, completely bizarre on the second point. I do think five months is a bit early to be presenting someone as a "partner": it's definitely still in the honeymoon period and they are quite young so I would be encouraging them to take a bit of time with it. It's not wrong to meet the parents but I'd be reigning them in a bit from talking about marching down the aisle etc.

The prurience about their sex life (or lack of it) is a totally different matter. The idea that having sex is a "hurdle" that needs to be officially cleared (and amid family-wide approval) before someone is welcomed into the fold very strange. Personally I wouldn't want to commit to someone I had never had sex with, but not everyone sees it like this. And the idea that the whole family has sight of this (and implicitly gives its seal of approval) makes me vaguely icky.

Headband · 27/11/2023 08:55

You are literally just meeting a friend/boyfriend/partner/mate - does it matter what the title is?

StaunchMomma · 27/11/2023 08:56

Maybe he's from a religious family and wants to wait til marriage? They would still be in a relationship though.

It's been months, not weeks.

BerriesNutsConkers · 27/11/2023 08:57

So many relationships break down because of difficulty with families! Meeting them early on is very important in seeing the family dynamic.
You are being ridiculous.

trainboundfornowhere · 27/11/2023 08:59

I would meet him if your DD wants you too and not worry about what they have or haven’t done. Your daughter is showing great respect for herself if she doesn’t feel the need to have sex with him yet. My parents met my DH six months after we started dating and we hadn’t had sex at that point either. It has been eight and a half years since we first met now. Just like for me it doesn’t mean your DD isn’t serious about him.

Cupofteaandpacketofbiscuits · 27/11/2023 08:59

Perhaps she felt awkward admitting to either you or her sister that she had slept with him. Maybe she was put on the spot with the joke and that's what came out, true or not.

Either way, it doesn't matter. If she wants you to meet him then that's nice. It's a bit odd not to meet him on the basis that she hasn't slept with him (whether that's true or not).

overwhelmed2023 · 27/11/2023 09:00

Some people don't have sec before marriage due to religious/ cultural/ other beliefs!
A- speak to her if you want to
B- presume it's fairly serious and treat it with the respect it de

Mummytotwonow · 27/11/2023 09:00

Wtf that’s just a weird way to think 😱

piperpheobepruepaige · 27/11/2023 09:00

Yeah well that's very weird - they have been dating for 5 months, doesn't matter if they have slept together or not

astarsheis · 27/11/2023 09:01

Even if they had slept together doesn't mean it's going to be 'forever'.
Don't really get your point here.

HardcoreLadyType · 27/11/2023 09:01

I really think you’re overthinking this.

Maybe they are serious; maybe not.

People can be serious without having sex, and can have sex without being serious.

Introducing a boyfriend to your parents does not necessarily imply a relationship is all that serious.

Meet her boyfriend, make him welcome, wait to see what transpires.

Dontbeme · 27/11/2023 09:03

Thepeopleversuswork · 27/11/2023 08:55

There's two completely separate issues here which are only superficially related:

  • Whether or not its appropriate for a relatively new relationship to be presented as a "partnership" (with parents involved etc)
  • Whether or not its relevant that two people have had sex before presenting themselves as being in a committed relationship

I would say the OP's position is reasonable on the first point, completely bizarre on the second point. I do think five months is a bit early to be presenting someone as a "partner": it's definitely still in the honeymoon period and they are quite young so I would be encouraging them to take a bit of time with it. It's not wrong to meet the parents but I'd be reigning them in a bit from talking about marching down the aisle etc.

The prurience about their sex life (or lack of it) is a totally different matter. The idea that having sex is a "hurdle" that needs to be officially cleared (and amid family-wide approval) before someone is welcomed into the fold very strange. Personally I wouldn't want to commit to someone I had never had sex with, but not everyone sees it like this. And the idea that the whole family has sight of this (and implicitly gives its seal of approval) makes me vaguely icky.

Family wide approval - great now I have a mental image of the OP and family standing outside a bedroom door with score cards waiting to evaluate this poor lads performance.

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 27/11/2023 09:05

Surely the only people that decide what to refer to the person they're in a relationship was are those people in the relationship?

It's not for others to determine what the label should be! And whether you've had sex or not has nothing to do with this

Rightsraptor · 27/11/2023 09:06

I'm struggling to understand your logic, OP.

It's unclear to me why sleeping together (and what does that mean anyway?) should be the watershed for a relationship becoming serious. It can be very serious without sex, as it can very frivolous with it.

Leave your daughter to her own devices.

overwhelmed2023 · 27/11/2023 09:06

Deserves..
And yes meet him !

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 27/11/2023 09:06

And also up to the people in the relationship to decide when to involve family. Family can decline to be involved if they don't want to but the timeline is not up to them!

Eybyegum · 27/11/2023 09:06

OP you are completely overthinking things. Meeting the family isn’t a big thing any more.

I have met many of my DCs boyfriends/partners over the years, some as they popped in on their way somewhere, some for a meal etc, none of these meetings was a big deal or meant marriage was on the cards. It certainly didn’t make things difficult when they split up, why would it?

When DD1 split with her partner of 5 yrs it wasn’t more difficult because we knew him well by then, your relationship with their partner does not make any difference at all to DC feelings in a split.

I also think you’ve taken a throw away remark between siblings and latched on to it. She was probably joking because you were there, or because she didn’t want to go into details as it seems you have done with your other DDs.

Tbh your DD sex life is really none of your business.

ActDottie · 27/11/2023 09:08

Wtf have I just read??? They’ve been together 5 months, been on holiday together and they want to meet parents nothing wrong with that and it’s completely their choice.

I can’t believe you’d question this because they’ve not slept together wtfffff???

StarlightLady · 27/11/2023 09:08

How do they know they are compatible? Personally, l would not have been dating someone for 5 weeks and not have sex with them. Being with someone 5 months in this situation seems odd to me.

But she in entitled to her own privacy and doing things her way. Or, she may choose not to tell others.

Zonder · 27/11/2023 09:13

EAC12 · 27/11/2023 07:37

To be fair I think some things are getting confused. I don't think I can't meet him until they've slept together and then comparing to friends etc. it's not the point I was making. Just more that they might not be at the serious point yet or know how compatible they are then it's more likely to be a break up and harder if it's all been very serious with families etc.

As I say, I'm just surprised because it's never been a known thing to me to be young and have waited that long in a relationship especially a somewhat serious one in their eyes. That's not the issue anyway though

So if your adult child had a FWB would you consider that more serious than this relationship under the microscope now? Is sex really the point at which a relationship becomes serious?

They clearly are in a serious relationship and there could be all kinds of reasons why they haven't had sex, none of which are your business.

Relationships break up all the time and nobody asks if they had sex so I don't really get your comments on that.

Treat it as a normal relationship since that's cleat how your daughter sees it.