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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Meeting DD's "partner" before they have even slept together?

322 replies

EAC12 · 27/11/2023 06:57

I realise this might sound a bit personal which is why I'm asking on an anonymous forum vs irl friends as it isn't something I would usually discuss with anyone. However I have 3 adult children and this is quite odd compared to the other 2. DD has just met her "partner"'s family (she is 23) and we are due to meet him next week they have been "dating" for about 5 months now. A joke was made with her from her sister very casually and DD replied with "oh we haven't slept together yet". Obviously that is entirely up to her but it feels quite serious to be calling him a partner and meeting each others family when they aren't even at that stage yet, surely? They went to Rome last week so I think we all assumed it was quite serious. I'm unsure if I should be encouraging her to maybe wait for the official meets and maybe not portray it in the way it is? I just worry about if it doesn't work out and it's all out in the open as much as it is. AIBU?

OP posts:
Zippedydoodahday · 27/11/2023 08:06

If you start telling your daughter it isn't serious until they have shagged, you'd essentially be pressuring her to have sex before she's ready.

Baffledandalarmed · 27/11/2023 08:08

EAC12 · 27/11/2023 07:08

No I just mean if they don't know they're compatible/comfortable enough to do that then it feels like they can't be as sure on the future = potentially more likely to break up and so I think it's more risky to portray it so seriously, that's all

What utter crap. Sex is important but it’s not the founding ingredient of a relationship.

You sound very involved. Beak out

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 27/11/2023 08:09

I don’t think sleeping together makes them more or less likely to break up and I don’t understand what you mean by official meets.

NoCloudsAllowed · 27/11/2023 08:10

If they've been away together and presumably shared a bedroom, I'd say they're either doing anything but piv sex and calling it not sleeping together, or there's some pomo tortuous asexual Identity conflict thing going on. Or he's Christian.

I knew an evangelical Christian woman once, she'd been brought up to keep herself for marriage but she'd do everything but piv (including anal sex?!) And so long as that dick didn't go in her vagina, she called herself a virgin and it was ok with Jesus.

People are weird. Don't overthink it, just smile and give him some garlic bread!

Ittastesvile · 27/11/2023 08:10

I know many people who waited to have sex until they were engaged or married. I find your post totally bizarre.

LaurieStrode · 27/11/2023 08:11

NoCloudsAllowed · 27/11/2023 08:10

If they've been away together and presumably shared a bedroom, I'd say they're either doing anything but piv sex and calling it not sleeping together, or there's some pomo tortuous asexual Identity conflict thing going on. Or he's Christian.

I knew an evangelical Christian woman once, she'd been brought up to keep herself for marriage but she'd do everything but piv (including anal sex?!) And so long as that dick didn't go in her vagina, she called herself a virgin and it was ok with Jesus.

People are weird. Don't overthink it, just smile and give him some garlic bread!

My college roommate was like that. "Devout Catholic." Such a hypocrite.

Paddleboarder · 27/11/2023 08:12

It’s a meeting. You’re taking it far too seriously and it doesn’t matter whether or not they’ve slept together. They might break up anyway, or they might not. If it was just a close friend you wouldn’t be overthinking it like this.

2023usernameNew · 27/11/2023 08:14

You seem to be saying that having sex is what makes a relationship more serious.

so if she had met him last week and had had sex every day since, it would be more serious and would make a potential break up less awkward?

5128gap · 27/11/2023 08:16

You've only found out about the lack of sex by chance. In usual circumstances you'd not (I hope!) have any idea about when in their relationship people choose to have sex and whether it's before or after this or that. As the timing for sleeping together is extremely private, and not really something you should know, then you'd probably be best to put it out of your mind and focus on the parts of the situation that do include you. Is it too soon to be saying 'partner'? By older people's standards, probably. But young people use it differently. Is it too soon to meet the family? That's the choice of the couple. Many people through circumstances meet each others parents within the week. Its not that big a deal.

Almondmum · 27/11/2023 08:17

Let's say what you're worried about happens. She introduces him to the family. A couple of weeks later they take the plunge and have sex..he's a crap shag..awful. so bad she gets the instant ick and dumps him.

When she tells her family surely you can be relied on to not gasp with shock and tell her you were already looking at mother of the bride outfits?!

If you react in a normal manner but she feels a bit embarrassed that she introduced him too soon is that the end of the world? She'll think, maybe I'll wait a bit next time. The end.

What exactly are you worrying so much about?

LlynTegid · 27/11/2023 08:27

I don't like the word 'partner' in a relationship context. If it is to be used, this is appropriate I think.

XiCi · 27/11/2023 08:31

This is crazy. So by your reasoning your daughter should fuck every potential date to see if they are compatible? And this is what you and your other 2 daughters do and you think a relationship can't possibly be serious until you've had sex?

I don't really know where to start with all your posts there's so much wrong with them. I would just be grateful that your daughter seems to have a higher self esteem and be more mature than you are.

Whalewatchers · 27/11/2023 08:34

"sorry DD, we can't meet him until you have confirmed his penis has been inside your vagina. Until then, it's just not a serious enough relationship"

crumpet · 27/11/2023 08:36

EAC12 · 27/11/2023 07:37

To be fair I think some things are getting confused. I don't think I can't meet him until they've slept together and then comparing to friends etc. it's not the point I was making. Just more that they might not be at the serious point yet or know how compatible they are then it's more likely to be a break up and harder if it's all been very serious with families etc.

As I say, I'm just surprised because it's never been a known thing to me to be young and have waited that long in a relationship especially a somewhat serious one in their eyes. That's not the issue anyway though

I think you are over complicating things. If they split up you will no doubt not see him again, and all move on. If he’s nice company, enjoy the time together while they are together

UnbeatenMum · 27/11/2023 08:36

My parents met my now DH as a friend first, in a group with 2 of our other friends, and I met his on a different occasion. I met them again when we'd only been together a few weeks too because he lived at home and wanted to cook for me. I'm not sure 'meet the parents' necessarily needs to be a huge milestone for only the most committed couples.

Gillypie23 · 27/11/2023 08:37

Maybe she wants to wait for a serious relationship. Its not your business. More important she's happy and her boyfriend treats her well.

sh0rtbread · 27/11/2023 08:40

Just because they’ve not had sex doesn’t mean their relationship isn’t serious lol.

ludocris · 27/11/2023 08:41

Romeiswheretheheartis · 27/11/2023 07:16

I can't think of anything more awkward for your dd (and her partner) than to be told No, we don't want to meet your boyfriend yet, but let us know when you've slept with him and then you can reveal him to us!

I introduced various partners to my parents in my time, none of whom I'm with now. Having slept together had no bearing at all on the longevity of the relationships.

😂😂😂

willWillSmithsmith · 27/11/2023 08:45

I forgot to ask my son if he and his gf were having sex before I met her. I’ll text him today and ask how long they waited. I wouldn’t have bothered meeting her if I knew they hadn’t done the deed yet.

butterpuffed · 27/11/2023 08:45

OP, you say you are 'due to meet him' next week .This makes it sound very formal , is that how you thinks things should be ? They've been together 5 months , has he never popped in with your DD for no particular reason , for instance ? It doesn't have to be as serious as you think it is .

Nannyfannybanny · 27/11/2023 08:47

I met all my DD boyfriends, very early on,we have a relaxed open house, never thought that was odd. To me, not meeting them would have seemed odd.

NoSquirrels · 27/11/2023 08:48

it's not the point I was making. Just more that they might not be at the serious point yet or know how compatible they are then it's more likely to be a break up and harder if it's all been very serious with families etc.

I think the thread you meant to write, in your head, was ‘AIBU to be concerned my DD might get her heart broken as it seems to me that she’s taking a new relationship very seriously and I’m worried it’s not as committed as she thinks’ - is that right?

In that case, YANBU to worry about any of your DC getting their hearts broken. But, statistically, it’s likely to happen to everyone at least once. And it’s no better or worse if you’ve met their parents/they’ve met yours.

PearlClutzsche · 27/11/2023 08:50

Sex ≠ serious. If it did, then a one night stand is a serious relationship, but months together with fondness, commitment and having been on holiday together aren't. Ridiculous.

And "compatible" doesn't mean 'good in bed together'.

Goldx2 · 27/11/2023 08:51

It’s their business and nobody else’s. I really don’t understand what your problem is with this

Topjoe19 · 27/11/2023 08:51

@Whalewatchers that made me laugh!!

This post is honestly so weird. I just can't imagine your thought process here.

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