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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Meeting DD's "partner" before they have even slept together?

322 replies

EAC12 · 27/11/2023 06:57

I realise this might sound a bit personal which is why I'm asking on an anonymous forum vs irl friends as it isn't something I would usually discuss with anyone. However I have 3 adult children and this is quite odd compared to the other 2. DD has just met her "partner"'s family (she is 23) and we are due to meet him next week they have been "dating" for about 5 months now. A joke was made with her from her sister very casually and DD replied with "oh we haven't slept together yet". Obviously that is entirely up to her but it feels quite serious to be calling him a partner and meeting each others family when they aren't even at that stage yet, surely? They went to Rome last week so I think we all assumed it was quite serious. I'm unsure if I should be encouraging her to maybe wait for the official meets and maybe not portray it in the way it is? I just worry about if it doesn't work out and it's all out in the open as much as it is. AIBU?

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 27/11/2023 20:31

villamariavintrapp · 27/11/2023 20:24

@porridgeisbae yes I'm also interested in your statistic. And the 'fact' that those who have not lived together prior to marriage have better outcomes-better for who? Do you mean they are more likely to have prolonged marriages? Because I don't think I would consider that a better outcome.

How else does one measure the success or failure of a marriage? Yes, I know that many people remain in unhappy marriages but surely most people split up if things are not going well.

villamariavintrapp · 27/11/2023 20:43

I would not consider a long unhappy or abusive marriage more successful than a short lived but happy marriage that ended when the couple felt it had run its course.

MumsGoneToYonderLand · 27/11/2023 20:47

Yes YABU. It’s not ever been my style to wait but sone people don’t jump into bed together from the off. Some even wait until marriage! What makes you think that sex makes it more serious?

J316 · 27/11/2023 20:48

Meeting your boyfriends/ girlfriends parents is not a big deal, young people don’t tend to wait until their serious until they meet parents anymore, it’s very old fashioned.

Just because they’ve not had sex doesn’t mean their not serious, in fact it might imply the opposite.

I would be delighted if this was my daughter and would think she might have a good boyfriend who is not with her just for sex.

StarlightLady · 27/11/2023 21:44

@J316 - Sex is a shared thing and women enjoying sex is a positive thing. It is not something a woman “gives” to a man.

We all want our daughters to have a “good boyfriend” (or girlfriend, depending on their own attraction) but that does not mean an expectation of delayed sex in a relationship.

Scarletttulips · 27/11/2023 22:39

Sex is a shared thing and women enjoying sex is a positive thing. It is not something a woman “gives” to a man

I think woman need to generally feel safe with a man to have sex, they need to know that they can be reliable and trustworthy -

Woman shoulder the biggest responsibilities due to the risk of pregnancy and disease -

Ive heard of so many young men removing condoms - without the girls knowledge and they’ve ended up with all sorts.

Men have little respect for woman these days and it’s appalling.

I’m glad she’s happy doing her own thing.

PearlClutzsche · 27/11/2023 23:42

"Sorry, darling, I don't want to meet your boyfriend until you've slept with him"

Er, what?

XenoBitch · 27/11/2023 23:59

I have been with my chap for about 6 months now, and we have not had sex yet.
We are both ND, and not fussed. Plus, I am very experienced, and he is not, so there is some anxiety involved there too.
Family and friends have met him. No one has asked about what we do in the bedroom.

TempestTost · 28/11/2023 00:53

ACtually I think people who wait until marriage for sex also report more satisfaction with their sex lives later in life.

I suspect there are a lot of things going on with all of that, but a lot comes down to the psychology of "trying out" someone for marriage.

It's unusual enough that a lot of people who don't see it in their circles can't imagine it, but for anyone who sees it fairly frequently, it's not that surprising that it often works. People who do it tend have a strong commitment to making things work even when circumstances aren't great. Which happens to everyone at some point.

XelaM · 28/11/2023 01:02

My grandmother told me she first slept in the same room as my grandfather after they got married. They were married for nearly 70 years and had an extremely happy marriage. They knew each other's families before any such "milestone" and didn't seem to do them any harm 🤷‍♀️

Do you put out on the first night OP? 😂

VivienneDelacroix · 28/11/2023 01:27

EAC12 · 27/11/2023 07:06

To be fair she uses boyfriend and partner interchangeably. I guess I'm just surprised as it being considered they're properly together when not reached that milestone but then me and my other 2 always found that to be an important part of knowing if you're compatible

You're much too involved in your children's sex lives. They actually talk to you about their sexual compatibility with their partners. I'd hazard a guess that your dd is keeping the subject to herself, respecting her own boundaries. Maybe take a hint and do the same?

Ramalangadingdong · 28/11/2023 01:56

DonnaBanana · 27/11/2023 13:11

Someone who doesn't have sexual traction.

Show quote history

Asexual?

SwishSwashSwooshSwersh · 28/11/2023 02:11

very funny … maybe meet for a coffee if they have only reached first post, low key light lunch if they have reached second post, big family dinner if they have gone all the way. By the 20th shag a family holiday maybe?

LaurieStrode · 28/11/2023 02:17

Well said, @VivienneDelacroix

It's creepy to be so immersed in an offspring's sex life.

penjil · 28/11/2023 04:16

EAC12 · 27/11/2023 07:08

No I just mean if they don't know they're compatible/comfortable enough to do that then it feels like they can't be as sure on the future = potentially more likely to break up and so I think it's more risky to portray it so seriously, that's all

Well, they may have sex, they may break up, she may find someone else, they may have sex, they may break up. She may find someone else....they may have sex. They may break up.

Your first 'boyfriend' is very rarely your lifelong partner.

She even may get married and break up. She may then even marry someone else, and also break up.

That's what life and relationships are.

And whatever she does, will also be fine. Because it's up to her. And whatever you think or don't think isn't really relevant to anything. However serious it is or isn't also isn't to do with you.

Take a chill pill. It's your daughter's relationship, not yours. 🙄

penjil · 28/11/2023 04:17

LaurieStrode · 28/11/2023 02:17

Well said, @VivienneDelacroix

It's creepy to be so immersed in an offspring's sex life.

Positively frightening. 😱

StarlightLady · 28/11/2023 04:20

XelaM · 28/11/2023 01:02

My grandmother told me she first slept in the same room as my grandfather after they got married. They were married for nearly 70 years and had an extremely happy marriage. They knew each other's families before any such "milestone" and didn't seem to do them any harm 🤷‍♀️

Do you put out on the first night OP? 😂

Asking if OP “Do you out on the first night”, is a classic example of sexism, double standards and hypocrisy.

When a woman first has sex with a partner has nothing to do with the success of a relationship or otherwise. There are plenty of people in successful steady relationships, straight, bi and gay who had sex on the first date.

Add to that if you are with the wrong person or a partner who is selfish between the sheets it is better to find out sooner rather than later.

penjil · 28/11/2023 04:24

DonnaBanana · 27/11/2023 11:20

If you look at the stats less people in the younger generations are having sex for a whole variety of reasons like better entertainment or not feeling the peer pressure like we did in the day. As a parent I think you should be happy about this. Maybe she is doing it for religious reasons, maybe she is a sex shawl, or maybe he is. It's okay.

A sex shawl

?????

I certainly hope you mean "asexual"....!!

That's the best one I've seen in years!! You couldn't have seriously thought it was a "sex shawl", did you?! 😂😂😂

DMC6274 · 28/11/2023 04:40

To be fair OP I don't think you've worded this well at all, so that's why people are getting hung up on the wrong details.

From my understanding it's not about your daughter's sex life but about you being concerned they are meeting each others families etc too early in the relationship, is that right?

I don't think meeting the family needs to be as big a deal as you think it is. Some of the terminology you are using is really strange, like talk of things being so "out in the open", "official meets" or being awkward if they break up. Why would it be awkward if they broke up just because they've met each others families? That's what I don't understand. My parents met several boyfriends that didn't end up being "the one", it never did any of us any harm! I can't honestly say that I've ever split up with someone and my first thought has been "oh no this is really awkward because he met my parents".

I think you need to just relax about the whole thing. Your daughter isn't signing an oath in blood, she's just asking you to meet the guy. So meet him, be normal and polite and if it doesn't work out then what's the big deal?

CurlewKate · 28/11/2023 05:17

I've just realised that I know my dd is having sex because she is and always has been a chronic oversharer. But my ds? No idea. He has a girlfriend. They live together. But for all I know they spend their nights painting warhammer figures and making Ottolenghi recipes.

CurlewKate · 28/11/2023 05:19

Oh, and anyone who uses the expression "put out" is a person who is not worth listening to.

BrimfulOfMash · 28/11/2023 05:58

My grandmother told me she first slept in the same room as my grandfather after they got married.

Which tells you nothing about whether they had had sex or not 😉

Ramalangadingdong · 28/11/2023 06:13

porridgeisbae · 27/11/2023 14:52

A couple who shag on the first night are just as likely to remain together for 70 years as one who keep themselves as virgins for years until marriage. Despite the best efforts of moralists for decades, there is no connection whatsoever between these points.

Not directly but there's probably a connection between how early people shag and how likely they are to cohabit instead of/before marriage, because it implies they have less traditional values. Cohabitation before marriage is more likely to lead to divorce. Marriages between devoutly religious people (who are more likely to try and abstain before marriage) also have better outcomes.

“There is PROBABLY a connection”

This is what I dislike about MN - and all social media. PPeople make stuff up then treat it as gospel. We don’t know if there is a connection between when people have sex and how long they stay together. Unless you have statistics from some study.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 28/11/2023 06:24

My partner and i didn't have sex til almost the 3 year point, for no reason other than bad MH on his part, and his meds killing his libido long before we even met. And we're both early-mid 30's.
I was commited to him 100% and would have even married him long before we ever did anything physical, because sex isn't a dealbreaker for me, i loved him more than i needed a sex life. You never know the intimates of a couples situation, maybe there's an issue beyond "oh we just haven't felt like it" that they obviously aren't going to tell you!
I would have been devastated to have either of our parents decide we weren't serious just because we weren't having sex, and yes, they both knew, i'm very close to my hopefully future MIL.

Cosyblankets · 28/11/2023 06:35

TempestTost · 28/11/2023 00:53

ACtually I think people who wait until marriage for sex also report more satisfaction with their sex lives later in life.

I suspect there are a lot of things going on with all of that, but a lot comes down to the psychology of "trying out" someone for marriage.

It's unusual enough that a lot of people who don't see it in their circles can't imagine it, but for anyone who sees it fairly frequently, it's not that surprising that it often works. People who do it tend have a strong commitment to making things work even when circumstances aren't great. Which happens to everyone at some point.

Who do they report this to?
Who asks them?