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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Meeting DD's "partner" before they have even slept together?

322 replies

EAC12 · 27/11/2023 06:57

I realise this might sound a bit personal which is why I'm asking on an anonymous forum vs irl friends as it isn't something I would usually discuss with anyone. However I have 3 adult children and this is quite odd compared to the other 2. DD has just met her "partner"'s family (she is 23) and we are due to meet him next week they have been "dating" for about 5 months now. A joke was made with her from her sister very casually and DD replied with "oh we haven't slept together yet". Obviously that is entirely up to her but it feels quite serious to be calling him a partner and meeting each others family when they aren't even at that stage yet, surely? They went to Rome last week so I think we all assumed it was quite serious. I'm unsure if I should be encouraging her to maybe wait for the official meets and maybe not portray it in the way it is? I just worry about if it doesn't work out and it's all out in the open as much as it is. AIBU?

OP posts:
worriedgeogirl · 27/11/2023 07:20

I know quite a few people this age and they drink less alcohol, eat better, do more fitness and have "healthier" sex lives.

Its very different to the 90s and 00s!!

Or maybe they're secret Christians

LaurieStrode · 27/11/2023 07:20

limefrog · 27/11/2023 07:16

A 5 month relationship for someone in their early 20's is getting into serious territory, certainly enough to meet family. Whether or not they have had sex is completely irrelevant and frankly a weird thing for a parent to be concerned about.

This. I'm aghast.

Why OP do you need to categorize people as friend, lover, partner etc? He's a person in her life regardless of what they do in private. Don't dwell on her sex life.

greencheetah · 27/11/2023 07:23

This is a very strange thread!

I have young adult DC who have left home. I have met their boyfriends/girlfriends on an ad hoc basis. Long term ones more frequently obviously. I have never bothered myself with the question of their sex lives.

Why are you making such a huge deal of this? So what if you meet them and the relationship doesn’t last? I just can’t understand the drama.

ApintofwhatFarageishaving · 27/11/2023 07:23

Jesus, let them be!!

HoppingPavlova · 27/11/2023 07:24

…..they can't be as sure on the future = potentially more likely to break up and so I think it's more risky to portray it so seriously….

????? your responses are not adding any more sense. Risky how?

Your daughter will visit and bring someone with her. Whether that’s a friend from uni who has given her a lift, or someone she is calling boyfriend/partner, what does it matter? Just hand them a plate of food, make small talk, be polite. Then they leave. Maybe you will see that person again, and maybe be you won’t. Who cares? If she is in early 20’s I doubt any person, serious or not will be a partner for life. And that’s okay. It certainly doesn’t have all this dramatic seriousness and risk you are going on about.

MargotBamborough · 27/11/2023 07:24

Hotchocolatemousse · 27/11/2023 07:11

If both their respective families are bat shit crazy they can split before getting too serious. Meeting families earlier is a good way to screen unsuitable potential future in laws. You only have to read the mad and bad mil stories on here to think they should have dumped the guy as soon as mummy came on the scene.

Edited

God, yes.

When I was 24 I had been seeing a guy for a couple of months and I brought him to meet my parents. Didn't have much choice in the matter because I was living abroad at the time and staying with my parents for a long weekend so I had nowhere else to sleep unless I was going to stay at his for the whole weekend instead of seeing my parents. It wasn't a serious relationship yet.

The way my mum went on it was clear she thought we were practically engaged (I don't know why, she had met other boyfriends of mine previously), he freaked the fuck out and broke up with me that night. After that my dad advised me not to introduce any future boyfriends to my mum unless we had been dating for at least two years.

Plmoknijbuhv · 27/11/2023 07:25

Why should there relationship need to follow the same path and be defined in the same way as you think. Surely every couple should follow the route that works for them? I find it odd you are considering not meeting him beacause they are not sleeping together so you deem it as not serious enough. I would hope I could support my children in the way they wished unless unless inappropriate, even if this differed between children

MonaDaVinci · 27/11/2023 07:25

EAC12 · 27/11/2023 07:08

No I just mean if they don't know they're compatible/comfortable enough to do that then it feels like they can't be as sure on the future = potentially more likely to break up and so I think it's more risky to portray it so seriously, that's all

This has to be the most ridiculous thing I've read on MN. Absolutely nuts.

youcandanceifyouwanna · 27/11/2023 07:28

You're overthinking it.

Thelaundryfairyhasbeenassassinated · 27/11/2023 07:31

I really don't think you should be thinking about their sex life unless you think sex could be harming her. Abuse, risk of STI or unwanted pregnancy. I personally really admire them.

I also don't see why you view their choices as making their potential break up worse? They may stay together forever or break up. Relationships often end and it isn't bad if your daughter experiences this. It's rubbish and can bloody hurt but for myself personally my two break ups before marriage led to a lot of self growth and although shit to experience in the moment, I did learn from them for the better.

Break ups can also be easier when you haven't shared your body with someone. (Talking more about dating here than committed relationships, as that's the norm in my life).

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 27/11/2023 07:34

I find this very weird. It sounds like you'd be happy to meet him at this stage if they had slept together but because they haven't, you think it's too early. So, in your mind, sleeping together is the only valid marker of a serious relationship? What kind of bizarre logic is that?

Cosyblankets · 27/11/2023 07:35

Official meets?
Hi John, I'm Sarah, Jane's mum. Would you like a cup of tea?
Job done

gingercat02 · 27/11/2023 07:36

I think it's more odd that you haven't met him in five months. Does your DD live with you? Do they both live locally. Has he never just come round for a coffee, or come in when he picks her up?

user1492757084 · 27/11/2023 07:36

It's not at all odd to meet close friends and boyfriends of your children before there has been intimacy.
If the boyfriend really doesn't like you and your family they might not want to take that intimate step nor continue on with a committed long term relationship.
It actually simplifies things should they break up.

Hopefully the boyfriend is a nice, polite and easy to be around fellow and you will like meeting him.

wildwestpioneer · 27/11/2023 07:36

It's serious enough to go on holiday and meet each others parents. Doesn't matter if they've slept with each other or not. That's probably the least serious thing most people do

bluebicyclebell · 27/11/2023 07:37

NoSquirrels · 27/11/2023 07:08

Btw, OP, I don’t disagree that not having had sex after 5 months dating is quite unusual in this day and age, and you’d probably rather you didn’t know one way or the other, as contemplating our children’s sex lives (or lack of) is ‘awkward’. But it’s truly got bog all relevance to whether you meet this person or not. Your DD wants to introduce you. That’s her call. Let her get on with it.

Yes, agree with this. Just support your daughter by being friendly when you meet her partner, then get on with your own life. Really bemused as to why you want to know about and discuss her private life, let alone on an Internet forum!

Original poster
EAC12 · 27/11/2023 07:37

To be fair I think some things are getting confused. I don't think I can't meet him until they've slept together and then comparing to friends etc. it's not the point I was making. Just more that they might not be at the serious point yet or know how compatible they are then it's more likely to be a break up and harder if it's all been very serious with families etc.

As I say, I'm just surprised because it's never been a known thing to me to be young and have waited that long in a relationship especially a somewhat serious one in their eyes. That's not the issue anyway though

OP posts:
Ramalangadingdong · 27/11/2023 07:37

They sound quite mature and seem quite serious about each other. As others have said this is so refreshing in this day and age. Don’t you think it’s sensible for your kids to allow you to meet the next people they are going out with - even if the relationship doesn’t lead to marriage?

Scarletttulips · 27/11/2023 07:39

but then me and my other 2 always found that to be an important part of knowing if you're compatible

How much sharing are you doing with your other DD’s? Sounds to me this isn’t a conversation she wants to have with you all and she wants that part of her life to be off limits. Respect her boundries and don’t ask.

NewbieTwentyFour · 27/11/2023 07:39

In the nicest way possible, this is really bizarre behaviour, OP. Are you OK? Is there perhaps another element to this?

XRAYTHIS · 27/11/2023 07:39

If she had had sex with him on the first meeting would you then consider that serious enough to need him.

She's waited until she/he are ready, up to them but uses the term partner. Maybe they are serious this is long term.

It's up to her. Why is the sex part so important to you in labelling partner or not?

greencheetah · 27/11/2023 07:40

What do you mean by “very serious with families”?

Him meeting you really isn’t that big a deal. Or is this some kind of weird Main Character Energy shit?

You need to chill the fuck out!

itsallnewnow · 27/11/2023 07:40

EAC12 · 27/11/2023 07:08

No I just mean if they don't know they're compatible/comfortable enough to do that then it feels like they can't be as sure on the future = potentially more likely to break up and so I think it's more risky to portray it so seriously, that's all

Why does it mean they're not comfortable enough to do it lol could be all sorts of reasons to wait

worriedgeogirl · 27/11/2023 07:40

I'm just surprised because it's never been a known thing to me to be young and have waited that long in a relationship that says more about you than your DD though.

Stop projecting......

FantasyFox · 27/11/2023 07:43

I married my DH before I slept with him, so we were definitely serious before sex!
The boyfriend's I had slept with before were never marriage prospects. You may feel sex makes the relationship, she obviously doesn't so let her relationship progress in a way that the people in it are happy and take your cues from her.

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