So, so conflicted....

[Fartooold]

Many years ago, I posted on MN about a group of friends (couples) who we socialised with. We were close friends, or so I thought. I had breast cancer, and a radical bilateral mastectomy. I did have reconstructive surgery a year or so later, but was left with significant scars.
I wore a nice top one night at dinner with these 'friends', and was told by one female that my top had slipped down and I was showing my scars, and the second woman joined in saying 'for fucks sake too old, we KNOW you had BC. Put it away, it's fucking ugly.
I had no idea my top had slid down, I was always quiet about my BC, I answered when questioned, but never volunteered info and I was devastated that night, I still feel the shame.
One of the husbands overheard, intervened, it all got horrible and we never saw any of them socially again. Intervening husband still popped round for coffee occasionally, but that tailed off.

Phew. Sorry for the epic story telling, but that is the background.

I've been on my own now for a couple of years since DH died, and one of the female friends has contacted me as she has breast cancer and wants advice and support, as I've been through it.

My initial reaction is to tell her to go fuck herself, but that might be a bit harsh😅

I do feel sorry for her, but where was she when I needed her support?

So, what do I do? Be the better person and help, or tell her that as my scars may offend, I'll opt out.....

So: Am I being unreasonable to refuse to help?

That message was truly dignified.

Excellent response OP, I can only hope I would be half as dignified!

I think your initial reaction is the right one.

How dare she?

You've moved on from these not-friends. Don't get dragged back in when it suits her.

Well done Op

Genius!

Am currently undergoing treatment (chemo) for breast cancer. I had a single mastectomy (and will be having the other breast removed in the summer). I love my scar and would be really hurt if others thought it to be ugly. It's not, it's part of me.

BC is great for realising who your friends are, and given how your friends were, then you have every right to never speak to them again. However, at the same time, I would be the bigger person, if only to see if I get an apology for her terrible treatment of you and the nasty, downright offensive things she said to you. If this is not forthcoming during your initial conversation, I would block, but not before wishing her all the best and comment about how saddened you are that she is dealing with breast cancer, although at the same time, she might finally understand how ignorant her comments were to you.

Over time, scars fade, but nasty comments last an eternity.

Perfect, send that and forget the vile woman.

Brava!

I remember your first thread too, and am happy to hear you’re keeping well.

Do something nice today, and make sure you see your closest friends/family soon: it would be really normal, I suspect, to feel shaky for a bit after this.

What a gracious, perfect response.

I'm so sorry for what they said to you. Utterly vile.

@Fartooold

Before I reply properly can I just let you know, as a dyslexic person, your username sent me down a weird path of trying to figure that out. (Got it in the end!)

I just wanted to say your reply was excellent and I truly hope you feel proud of yourself. Whilst "fuck off" would have been fine, you may have regretted it. You were kind, classy and just bossed it.

May your future be filled with gorgeousness x

Brava! Perfect response.

Love this!

I'm actually shocked that they were so vile to you, that's absolutely despicable. I'd ignore her, you don't need people like this in your life

That is a perfect message OP. FWIW I think you are right in thinking she would pick you up and drop you again to suit herself.

Well done OP, perfect message. Move on with your head held high.

@Fartooold I advised her to stay away from the online nutters curing cancer with the power of thought, sent her a link to a forum I used at the time and told her she would find out who her true friends were in this time of crisis, but not to worry about losing people, the ones you end up with in the end are true and loyal.
what an absolutely brilliant comeback!! well done you. xx

You did the right thing.

when a nasty person becomes ill, they are still a nasty person

I advised her to stay away from the online nutters curing cancer with the power of thought, sent her a link to a forum I used at the time and told her she would find out who her true friends were in this time of crisis, but not to worry about losing people, the ones you end up with in the end are true and loyal.

Awesome!

You've been helpful & told her what you think of her at the same time.

I remember your thread, I'm so sorry to hear about your husband.
Well done for sending that message, it was perfect

@Fartooold you were gracious on your other thread and you’ve just given a masterclass in grace now.

as so many have said BRAVA!

I think that's the perfect response

Are you ok? It must've been a shock to hear from her

This is exactly what I would like to do too. I probably wouldn't have the balls but I would want to.

There are many situations where dignity is all one has left and when you look back, you’re glad you kept it. Wonderful response, dignified and honest.

As an aside, why do some people act as if tragedy or difficulty is contagious?

Well done OP. V Classy 👏👏👏

@Fartooold I think your reply to her was classy. I couldn't have managed that.