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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So, so conflicted....

397 replies

Fartooold · 26/11/2023 22:04

Many years ago, I posted on MN about a group of friends (couples) who we socialised with. We were close friends, or so I thought. I had breast cancer, and a radical bilateral mastectomy. I did have reconstructive surgery a year or so later, but was left with significant scars.
I wore a nice top one night at dinner with these 'friends', and was told by one female that my top had slipped down and I was showing my scars, and the second woman joined in saying 'for fucks sake too old, we KNOW you had BC. Put it away, it's fucking ugly.
I had no idea my top had slid down, I was always quiet about my BC, I answered when questioned, but never volunteered info and I was devastated that night, I still feel the shame.
One of the husbands overheard, intervened, it all got horrible and we never saw any of them socially again. Intervening husband still popped round for coffee occasionally, but that tailed off.

Phew. Sorry for the epic story telling, but that is the background.

I've been on my own now for a couple of years since DH died, and one of the female friends has contacted me as she has breast cancer and wants advice and support, as I've been through it.

My initial reaction is to tell her to go fuck herself, but that might be a bit harsh😅

I do feel sorry for her, but where was she when I needed her support?

So, what do I do? Be the better person and help, or tell her that as my scars may offend, I'll opt out.....

So: Am I being unreasonable to refuse to help?

OP posts:
ohdamnitjanet · 27/11/2023 04:30

TheWayTheLightFalls · 26/11/2023 22:15

“I’m sure you’ll recall just how supportive you were to me during our last meal out together.”

And block.

Yes!

3luckystars · 27/11/2023 04:46

I would say, oh that’s awful, here is the phone number of a support group, they were brilliant when I was ill/ I heard they are very good.., I understand what you are going through and wish you all the very best with your recovery.
Kind regards from

justanothermanicmonday1 · 27/11/2023 04:49

"Hi first friend, I'm so sorry to learn of your BC, I wish you a quick recovery" best wishes!

BlackSwan · 27/11/2023 04:51

She wanted you to know she’s got BC because in some way she feels it absolves her of her treatment of you in the past.
It doesn’t. Ignore.

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 27/11/2023 05:14

Loubelle70 · 26/11/2023 22:27

I wouldn't. Id be polite..say 'thats awful news, im so sorry...you are probably best getting support from insert breast cancer support charity. Take care ' x

This, what only now when she wants you to be a service to her she's suddenly able to contact you?
Nope.

LaurieStrode · 27/11/2023 05:26

BlueEyedPeanut · 27/11/2023 01:13

I would briefly share your experience with her. Tell her to be prepared to be abandoned by her friends and to try not to show her scars if she doesn't want cunts to make comments, then wish her good luck and that you hope she has better support than you did.

Edited

I'd ignore but if you must say something, this is succinct and powerful.

SuperSange · 27/11/2023 05:43

So she contacts you now, when she needs something? I'm usually up for helping people, but I wouldn't be in this case.

Out of interest,(I haven't read the original thread) when she said that your scars were showing, did she perhaps think you'd like to know, or did she not want to see them? And how did she react when the other lady called them ugly? Was she angry too, or did she not say anything?

Fraaahnces · 27/11/2023 06:04

“I’m so sorry to hear (after all this time) that you have breast cancer. My only advice would be to make sure you don’t accidentally show your scars, because people can be so very cruel.”

CormoranEllacott · 27/11/2023 06:13

‘Hello, I’m sorry to hear your news. I know how hard it can be. I don’t think I’m the best person to support you, given what I’ve been through in recent years, and our history. But I do wish you the best with your recovery. Regards.’

jemenfous37 · 27/11/2023 06:34

"My initial reaction is to tell her to go fuck her herself..."
@Fartooold That's what you stick to.
She can get her information from her healthcare team or any number of charity helplines.
You owe her nothing. Just tell her that everyone's cancer is different and hers will be unique to her, so you can't advise, BUT, the one thing you would advise is to find kind and supporting friends....
She should get the message

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/11/2023 06:39

YouOKHun · 26/11/2023 23:40

Dear Friend-when-it-suits-you,

I’m very sorry to hear about your cancer diagnosis. I’ll give you one piece of advice from the off; you’re going to find out who your friends are and it won’t necessarily be who you think who will end up being supportive. Be prepared for some peculiar and sometimes deeply hurtful responses to your cancer. Be prepared to become persona non grata. These reactions may come from their fear but they are nonetheless wounding. You were present when it happened to me, perhaps you remember (I certainly remember my scars being called ugly by someone I thought was a friend).

Beyond that I have no advice for you as each person’s experience with breast cancer is different but I wish you well and hope you find the support you need among your friends.

Regards
@Fartooold

I very much like this response. You do find out who your friends are in difficult times. Please don’t allow yourself to be dragged back down.

Edit - to add. Then perhaps contact the husband and say you’re very sorry to hear of his wife’s diagnosis. That she has been in contact with you. But under the circumstances, you’re sorry, you just cannot open yourself up to the pain you suffered again. And you wish them both well.

lovemelongtime · 27/11/2023 06:41

As someone who had just come out of this horrible BC journey, there is loads of support out there she can tap into

Personally I would be tempted to say " the best advise I can give you is to surround yourself with true friends who will support you when you need it. Wishing you all the best" then move on.

Greenpolkadot · 27/11/2023 06:42

What I cant understand is,,,was nobody in the group shocked or disgusted about friend2's comments .?
Did nobody else stick up for you.?
Friends like this you dont need OP.

CrunchyCarrot · 27/11/2023 06:43

So it's very interesting your ex-friend wants support from you now, I think this may well be because she knows she isn't going to get it from the others and probably remembers the scar incident. She must be feeling pretty desperate, actually, and isolated. Wonder if her husband suggested contacting you?

I would actually try to help her, even though it goes against what you are feeling.

Eddielizzard · 27/11/2023 06:58

I remember your first thread. It was absolutely awful, how they behaved.

I think as much as you'd like to offer support, for your own mental health you should stay away. I'd ignore the message.

Ilovecashews · 27/11/2023 07:02

I was you. If it happened to me I would say that they have to find someone else to help because for me it’s a done period of my life and I don’t want or need to go back there.

whatever you choose to do, do what you feel, but don’t expect anything back, people show you who they are when you are down and weak, and they don’t get any better than that.

user1492757084 · 27/11/2023 07:14

You are kind but I think you should help only as much as you can comfortably sustain. You know your limitations. You might like to visit once or twice, bake a meal or two. Phone once a month or offer to meet up for coffee when she feels well enough.

Forward you friend a list of relevent helpful telephone numbers and contacts for suport groups near where she lives.
This will enable her to ask questions, receive information, share her treatment stories without involving you personally.

She was the one who told you your top had slipped and I don'think that was too bad in itself - but not to defend you when others were mean was down right terrible. Her husband was sweet, yes, but I hope she apologises.

Original poster
Fartooold · 27/11/2023 07:18

Thanks everyone, it has been really useful hearing everyone's opinion and I really appreciate it.
I have slept on it, and much as my instinct is to help ( I well remember that initial panic mode), I don't want to be friends with her again and to be honest, I think once the initial shock has worn off she might regret contacting me too!
I've sent a message this morning saying I was sorry to hear of her diagnosis but felt that after so many years of having no contact with her I was not in a position to help.
I advised her to stay away from the online nutters curing cancer with the power of thought, sent her a link to a forum I used at the time and told her she would find out who her true friends were in this time of crisis, but not to worry about losing people, the ones you end up with in the end are true and loyal.

Couldn't resist that one😆

I'm not contacting nice husband because if he asked me to help I'd feel crap.

I don't expect to hear from any of them again to be honest.

Thank you so much for your help - it really helped me to clarify what I was feeling.

OP posts:
Hotchocolatemousse · 27/11/2023 07:21

Remind her what she said to you that might, how she made you feel and then tell her to fuck off. She doesn't deserve your kindness, the awful bitch. Her having cancer now is a separate issue, she was extremely unkind to you when you needed help. She is an awful person.

Brefugee · 27/11/2023 07:31

I advised her to stay away from the online nutters curing cancer with the power of thought, sent her a link to a forum I used at the time and told her she would find out who her true friends were in this time of crisis, but not to worry about losing people, the ones you end up with in the end are true and loyal.

well done, OP. That must have been hard. It was very gracious of you to share any resources or advice at all. But that last bit? chef's kiss

Zonder · 27/11/2023 07:34

That's a great response. Gives her some help but also shows that you can't be the one to help her after all that happened. I wonder if she will reply.

monstrousindecision · 27/11/2023 07:36

I would follow your initial reaction

Wexone · 27/11/2023 07:39

Great response 👍. Well done to you for writing that. that took balls. would be interesting now if she replied back

Cloudywithahintofsunshine · 27/11/2023 07:43

Awesome response.

Eeepsh · 27/11/2023 07:44

I think your text was perfect.

I've been there too (not dinner party situation) but having friends, (who I would have sworn would be there for me) disappear until I'd finished treatment and was 'well' again.

The cliche is so true, in times of adversity, you really do find out who your true friends are.

I would also always offer initial practical advice but no more.