So, so conflicted....

[Fartooold]

Many years ago, I posted on MN about a group of friends (couples) who we socialised with. We were close friends, or so I thought. I had breast cancer, and a radical bilateral mastectomy. I did have reconstructive surgery a year or so later, but was left with significant scars.
I wore a nice top one night at dinner with these 'friends', and was told by one female that my top had slipped down and I was showing my scars, and the second woman joined in saying 'for fucks sake too old, we KNOW you had BC. Put it away, it's fucking ugly.
I had no idea my top had slid down, I was always quiet about my BC, I answered when questioned, but never volunteered info and I was devastated that night, I still feel the shame.
One of the husbands overheard, intervened, it all got horrible and we never saw any of them socially again. Intervening husband still popped round for coffee occasionally, but that tailed off.

Phew. Sorry for the epic story telling, but that is the background.

I've been on my own now for a couple of years since DH died, and one of the female friends has contacted me as she has breast cancer and wants advice and support, as I've been through it.

My initial reaction is to tell her to go fuck herself, but that might be a bit harsh😅

I do feel sorry for her, but where was she when I needed her support?

So, what do I do? Be the better person and help, or tell her that as my scars may offend, I'll opt out.....

So: Am I being unreasonable to refuse to help?

OP this is one of the most horrendous things I’ve ever read on here. I am so sorry.
You are a much bigger person than me, I’d have ripped her a new one. 💐

I remember your thread, their behaviour was shocking.

Before I saw your brilliant response to her I was going to say protect yourself from further hurt. She didn’t get in touch when your DH died, she thinks she needs you now but would no doubt drop you again after you had spent emotional energy on her. She is a very selfish person.

I hope you are ok, this must have brought up a lot of the hurt you felt at the time.

Tell her to go fuck herself 😊

@NigelHarmansNewWife would be very tempted to say you have never forgotten that evening and the effect was devastating for you.

This.

Im so sorry you went through all this and that you were not treated better when you should have been.
I think you have a lot of resentment to what happened (i would too) and so dont think it would be a good idea to help even if you were inclinded to. But for the record you owe her nothing. She will find other charities or people out there. Any request for help should have had a massive grovelling apology on it. Real frendships navigate the ups and downs weather you are at different stages or experiences. This was shallow on their part and you are now in a different place. The opportunity for mending bridges has passed.

You don’t need to use bad language or be aggressive. You can just say ‘I hope that your treatment goes well and that you can soon look forward to a brighter future, scars or no scars’. And leave it there.
Keep classy

Class act OP, well done.

I remember your original thread @Fartooold and I just wanted to say how much I felt for you at the time and how sorry I am that you've since lost your DH.

You reacted exactly as I was about to advise - some fairly neutral signposting and then back off. I'm quite astonished at the nerve of her tbh.

Take care. x

Well done. You've handled it beautifully.

I think it's very clear that while you're sympathetic to her situation, there are limits

You sound like a lovely woman, but you really shouldn't be supporting someone who has been so awful to you. That isn't in your best interest at all. She has got a bloody cheek. I think I would just say to her in a message, "given what happened the last time we met, I don't think I'm the right person to help you. Good luck."

This is a perfect response!!!!!

you fucking rock!!! 🤘

Great response, OP. I was fearful for you last night, when you seemed ready to open the door wide to her. I can't begin to guess where her nastiness towards you came from, but that kind of vicious streak isn't something that comes out of the blue or disappears. Glorious parting remark. Maximum respect.

Maybe this ^ and then some links to resources as you said you wanted to help. Then it’s the best of both worlds, you are helping but also speaking up for how you were treated. Very classy imo

Agree this is one of the worst things I’ve read on here. I’m really sorry for your experience.

Sounds like a kind but dignified response.

You’ve been sympathetic but reminded her how dreadfully she treated you. Perfect response. Hopefully it’ll make her reevaluate how she treats others,

Well done for keeping her at bay.

I'm in the tell her to fuck herself camp. Block her and don't look back. Hope you're ok now health-wise x

Perfect reply OP!

I remember your other thread, and this is the perfect response.

You sound like a kind and caring person who has been through so much.

Your response was classy and kind and more than she deserved.

All I can think of regarding her previous behaviour is that some people act awfully cruel and irrationally at times. This doesn't excuse their behaviour at all, I am not saying that, but sometimes when people see evidence of something that scares us all to the core (cancer) they just can't face up to it and hope they'll never have to and react violently.

I know whereof I speak. I had a partner who committed suicide, and my God some people were really nasty to me about it. I live nowhere near them now and doubt we'll ever be in touch again. In my heart, I have let it go, but I could never have them in my life again. I hope they've never had to go through what I have.

I know Op has already messaged back with a reply, but on reading the first post this was also similar lines to what I wanted to say but was pure genius.

I'm normally nice and give people a second chance but no. She can get hwe support elsewhere

Absolutes she can fuck off, get there, turn around and fuck off again. You went through breast cancer and a mastectomy, with no support, and the death of your husband- with again I assume no support. I'm sorry she's in a similar position, it would be scary, and maybe it's made her reevaluate- although it sounds like she wants you for support, not to apologise for being an unsupportive arsehole. So no. I'd wish her all the best, but I sure as hell wouldn't be her emotional support animal.

That was the perfect response OP. It really is their loss, you sound miles ahead of them in so many ways.
BW.

I wore a nice top one night at dinner with these 'friends', and was told by one female that my top had slipped down and I was showing my scars, and the second woman joined in saying 'for fucks sake too old, we KNOW you had BC. Put it away, it's fucking ugly.

This is the most absolutely fucking disgusting thing I have ever read on MN.

YANBU. Karma.