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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So, so conflicted....

397 replies

Fartooold · 26/11/2023 22:04

Many years ago, I posted on MN about a group of friends (couples) who we socialised with. We were close friends, or so I thought. I had breast cancer, and a radical bilateral mastectomy. I did have reconstructive surgery a year or so later, but was left with significant scars.
I wore a nice top one night at dinner with these 'friends', and was told by one female that my top had slipped down and I was showing my scars, and the second woman joined in saying 'for fucks sake too old, we KNOW you had BC. Put it away, it's fucking ugly.
I had no idea my top had slid down, I was always quiet about my BC, I answered when questioned, but never volunteered info and I was devastated that night, I still feel the shame.
One of the husbands overheard, intervened, it all got horrible and we never saw any of them socially again. Intervening husband still popped round for coffee occasionally, but that tailed off.

Phew. Sorry for the epic story telling, but that is the background.

I've been on my own now for a couple of years since DH died, and one of the female friends has contacted me as she has breast cancer and wants advice and support, as I've been through it.

My initial reaction is to tell her to go fuck herself, but that might be a bit harsh😅

I do feel sorry for her, but where was she when I needed her support?

So, what do I do? Be the better person and help, or tell her that as my scars may offend, I'll opt out.....

So: Am I being unreasonable to refuse to help?

OP posts:
Handovertothetedcross · 27/11/2023 00:14

I wouldn't respond at all, wouldn't waste the emotional energy to even attempt to craft a reply. Don't reopen that wound OP, you sound too lovely. Hugs to all of you who've experienced awful 'friends' in similar circumstances xx

sandyhappypeople · 27/11/2023 00:15

I would offer support personally, they weren’t in a position of experience to offer you any meaningful support, but having gone though it yourself, you could really make a difference to a fellow human being.

It wouldn’t hurt to explain why you stopped spending time with them and see if an apology is forthcoming, as that would be a better foundation to rebuild bridges, but you don’t owe them a thing, if you start talking to her and feel like she’s taking advantage or is just using you then don’t be afraid to withdraw, try to keep yourself emotionally distanced until you figure out her true intentions.

MushroomQueen · 27/11/2023 00:20

Honestly I cant even begin to think why the fuck they would say something so fucking awful to you. I would probably say, you do remember why you have not spoken with me in so long, as your awful human behaviour was nasty, I hope you recover but I am unable to provide support from someone so spiteful/ then cut off then never speak again

EKGEMS · 27/11/2023 00:23

As a breast cancer survivor I probably would have made a scene right then and there. Tell her to drop dead. Twice

LaurieStrode · 27/11/2023 00:25

sandyhappypeople · 27/11/2023 00:15

I would offer support personally, they weren’t in a position of experience to offer you any meaningful support, but having gone though it yourself, you could really make a difference to a fellow human being.

It wouldn’t hurt to explain why you stopped spending time with them and see if an apology is forthcoming, as that would be a better foundation to rebuild bridges, but you don’t owe them a thing, if you start talking to her and feel like she’s taking advantage or is just using you then don’t be afraid to withdraw, try to keep yourself emotionally distanced until you figure out her true intentions.

Fuck that for an epic game of soldiers.

OP was ridiculed by these people who never apologized and weren't any help when her husband died, either. And you think she should roll over and #bekind, ffs?

OP isn't a social worker. Block and move on. If she wants to volunteer with cancer patients, there are dar worthier recipients of her sympathy.

Tiedtoatwat · 27/11/2023 00:41

Listen, darling, I haven't read a fraction of the posts - but tell her to fuck off. You don't need her grief after how she treated you! I hope you are well and happy now xx

justwatchingtelly · 27/11/2023 00:44

Firstly, I am so sorry that your friends did that to you. And you say that her husband continued to pop round, but no mention of her. Did she ever apologize?

I would have to say that I was sorry that she had this diagnosis, and maybe give a helpful tip or two, such as a doctor's name who was especially caring or thorough.

And then wish her well.

You know deep down if that is a door that you wish to open again, or not.

OneTitWonder · 27/11/2023 00:46

I've had BC, and absolutely, 100% she can go fuck herself.

sandyhappypeople · 27/11/2023 00:47

LaurieStrode · 27/11/2023 00:25

Fuck that for an epic game of soldiers.

OP was ridiculed by these people who never apologized and weren't any help when her husband died, either. And you think she should roll over and #bekind, ffs?

OP isn't a social worker. Block and move on. If she wants to volunteer with cancer patients, there are dar worthier recipients of her sympathy.

Show quote history

It’s up to OP ultimately, not any of us, no ones here to guilt her or excuse her, just to give balanced opinions so she can make her own mind up. From what I understand it’s the woman who told her her top had slipped down, and who’s husband kept in contact with them.. if it was the second woman who shamed her about her scars I’d have different advice tbf, but we don’t know the full ins and outs of what happened, the fact OP WANTS to help her but doesn’t know whether she should is really what I’m going off.

At the end of the day, people all react differently to news of illness/death/grief with people they are close to, some people don’t handle it well at all, it doesn’t mean they are necessarily bad people, just that they can’t handle certain situations, it’s disappointing when it’s one of your friends, but they can only truly understand how you feel when they’ve been through it themselves, I’d want some sort of acknowledgement of the hurt they’d caused if I was to accept this person back into my life in any way.

i personally believe you should try and go through life with no regrets and if op thinks she would regret not helping then she should tentatively reach out, but she should also protect herself from being hurt like she was before, armed with the knowledge of what happened last time would make it much easier to be know when enough is enough and at least she knows she did what she could.

only op can decide if this woman is worthy of her forgiveness.

BlueEyedPeanut · 27/11/2023 01:13

I would briefly share your experience with her. Tell her to be prepared to be abandoned by her friends and to try not to show her scars if she doesn't want cunts to make comments, then wish her good luck and that you hope she has better support than you did.

nettie434 · 27/11/2023 01:25

I just wanted to say how hard it must have been for you to be confronted by these women's unsympathetic and thoughtless comments. This was made worse by their failure to acknowledge that what they said was wrong.

You don't owe this woman anything but she clearly feels the need for support. If you do decide to support her then you need to feel confident you won't find the renewed contact upsetting.

MumoftwoGranofone · 27/11/2023 01:31

No, no, no, stay clear for your own mental health.

Ohnoooooooo · 27/11/2023 01:37

I am sorry for the loss of your husband.
It is very rare these days I am shocked when I read Mumsnet - but my jaw dropped when I read what was said to you. I am so sorry how horrible. You don’t owe anyone anything. I am shocked she is reaching out to you in her hour of need after treating you so badly.

EtiennePalmiere · 27/11/2023 01:41

Moveoverdarlin · 26/11/2023 23:03

I am someone that normally likes to keep the peace and let things slide, but I genuinely think you should tell her to fuck off. In a far more well mannered way, but basically fuck off.

Hi Jane, gosh what a surprise to hear from you! It’s been so long. If I recall the last time I saw you was at that dinner party. That awful awful dinner party which left me so upset. Do you remember? You told me you could see my mastectomy scars and Debbie then said how ugly they were? That night I was utterly blindsided that close friends could be so unbelievably cruel to me after going through such an ordeal. That night was end of our friendship group as we knew it wasn’t it? We never met up again. In fairness John did his best to keep things going. I hope he’s well. I’m sorry to hear about your diagnosis. I know only too well what your going through. All the very best with your recovery.

Edited

Yes, send this message. People saying to send links to support groups and so on are nuts imo. Just because you had cancer doesn't mean you have to be a saint.

therealcookiemonster · 27/11/2023 01:56

OP in your position I would also be wanting to offer support.... but make sure to do so with clear boundaries. so as PP suggested send links etc, but don't feel you have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable such as actually spending time with her

randomuser2019 · 27/11/2023 01:58

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

JFT · 27/11/2023 02:14

It depends whether after all these years you'd possibly like to re-establish a friendship or connection with this woman or any of the people? If so, you could directly and openly say how hurt and shocked you were about the hateful comments and that at the time it was upsetting but you all fell apart and you moved on. Tell her the truth - you're not sure you'd want to reconnect! See what she has to say.

JANEY205 · 27/11/2023 02:40

sandyhappypeople · 27/11/2023 00:15

I would offer support personally, they weren’t in a position of experience to offer you any meaningful support, but having gone though it yourself, you could really make a difference to a fellow human being.

It wouldn’t hurt to explain why you stopped spending time with them and see if an apology is forthcoming, as that would be a better foundation to rebuild bridges, but you don’t owe them a thing, if you start talking to her and feel like she’s taking advantage or is just using you then don’t be afraid to withdraw, try to keep yourself emotionally distanced until you figure out her true intentions.

She OBVIOUSLY is using OP tho considering she hasn’t been in touch till now! It is NOT OPs job to provide counseling or emotional support to anyone especially someone who didn’t do it for her! I’ve had major surgery and frequently support others going through it just via social media and I absolutely would not give up that emotional space for anyone who dropped me as a friend when I was struggling. It is draining being that support for someone else.

Goldbar · 27/11/2023 03:03

Potter10 · 26/11/2023 22:18

I'd send her some links to charities that are there to help support, wish her well with her treatment and ignore any future contact!
You are absolutely not being unreasonable, some woman are just awful and not worth about headspace.

This. I'd refer her to charities and professional agencies but not get personally involved and refuse any further contact.

I'm not usually one for taking the moral high ground and rising above it, but I think you'd feel glad that you did in this case.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 27/11/2023 03:03

"Well from experience apparently you need to make sure you don't wear a low cut top afterwards because the scars are fucking ugly and you'll lose friends over it. Hope that helps."

YerArseInParsley · 27/11/2023 03:20

@Fartooold

Apart from your husbands funeral a few years ago have you heard from this friend since?

I know she wasn't the friend that was rude but she didn't show any support after the dinner incident. If you want to help her then go ahead but I'd make it known there has been no support for you these past few years since they dumped you, and ain't she lucky she felt she could contact you to support her.

Ask why she isn't getting support from the others, maybe she's realised now they are shit friends

Topsyturvy78 · 27/11/2023 03:37

I wouldn't blame you at all if you tell her to do one.

Luddite26 · 27/11/2023 04:01

I would point her in the direction of somebody like McMillan saying I received a lot of support from these. Only because of her husband"s actions but I wouldn't have anything else to do with her.
If not that then i would just blank her. You really owe her nothing and do not want this relationship resurrecting.
Appalling behaviour.

oakleaffy · 27/11/2023 04:09

@Fartooold My goodness...It's unforgivable what they said.

I'm actually stunned at the level of selfishness of that woman and group of people.

You owe her nothing except for a reminder of how cruel she was. {Cruel by not defending you in the face of horrible comments}.

oakleaffy · 27/11/2023 04:12

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 27/11/2023 03:03

"Well from experience apparently you need to make sure you don't wear a low cut top afterwards because the scars are fucking ugly and you'll lose friends over it. Hope that helps."

This would be great.