Husband walked out help

[TyotyaKlava]

my Daughter 9 yo (autistic pda) came back from her brownies residential today. I think she was having a wind down but behaved horribly all of tonight. We bathed her before bed time and whilst bathing her she kept on screaming and refusing to do what she was told (such as wash herself). She kept on saying to her dad to not talk to him ( he is her favorite as he is a softie). At bedtime she told him to go away and never come back. After telling it to him twice he really got his coat and left! I’m angry with him as he should understand better she didn’t mean it. She’s got anger issues and he knows that. He shouldn’t have to walk out because of what a 9 year old tells him! She is now besides herself as she is worried he is going to kill himself (her school friends dad killed himself when they were younger). In trying to ring him but it’s going to voicemail. I’m slightly worried but also angry that he can be so silly and walk out because of what she told him she is a child after all! What do I do? Do I call the police? I can’t leave the house as don’t want to leave kids alone!

Well what happens if OP needs to walk it off but can't call for help because he has gone and turned his phone off what if the child escalated and she was in dire need of support

Clearly the DH needed time out - there’s nothing wrong with that. Maybe he’ll explain why? Maybe he’s had enough? Maybe the adults need to be kind and understanding of each other?

OP May well ‘tell home off’ but that’s not going to solve any future issues is it? Maybe treating him like an adult and giving him some understanding might?

The alternative is for them to split and they’re both on their own without support altogether.

Sorry to be boring ...

But looking at the timescales he didn't walk 10 miles...... or anything like that.

We all sometimes exarate to make a point.

Or manipulate?

I have every sympathy with your situation OP, but I hope you have been able to chat with your oh and then get some sleep.

Do remember that you and your DH need to be a team. You can't criticise his way of dealing with her behaviour when your way is to lose your rage at her multiple times a day. You BOTH are struggling. You need to support each other and show understanding during these tough moments, not criticism. If you aren't a team on this, your family will fall apart.

I don't know if you're still reading this thread but I recognise your DD in my own DD.

You really need to pick your battles and hugely lower your expectations of her. She's only 9 and her emotional age is likely much younger.

Eg - night after residential is not the time to have a random argument about how many teddies you allow. This is v arbitrary to her and would be designed to get her to kick off at best of times.

After a residential I would expect her independence to climb down a couple of notches when she got home. I might offer to wash hair, brush teeth. Maybe dodge the bath if I knew it was a battleground.

You've got 10 more years till she's an adult, and even then neurologists now think our brains only mature into our 20s.

You need to dial down her demands a lot so she's able to meet them. Then she'll get comfortable, less anxious, less stressful. We still have our moments but everyone in the house is much better. We have to do things differently.

Why was she running after him?

When she told him to leave did he say something like "ok I will".

Obviously not acceptable.

If he needs a breather that's one thing.

His 9yr old thinking he is leaving because of her isn't on at all imo.

Yes that’s what he said. To me it’s a childish behavior. To be fair I think he himself might be on spectrum, as he can be quite blunt in conversations and not very social. However he knew she didn’t mean it but still decided to make a point.
anyways, he is back now and my daughter seems to happy this morning albeit puffy eyes due to crying. She gave him extra hugs and kisses so I suppose she realized her faults. But I am 100% sure she will still say hurtful things when she is distressed (which could be quite often).
I lowered demands this morning and as a result we arrived to breakfast club 20 minutes later than normal. It’s ok when I don’t have to work (it’s my day off today), but could be quite stressful on the days I work. Plus the youngest one has eczema and me and my dh both have to spend time applying moisturizer on her in the morning whilst dd1 is left to get ready by herself. She never does it on her own accord and has to be watched, as she gets too distracted. That’s when I normally lose it as I expect her to be mature enough to get ready without any prompts. Luckily it’s December soon so there will be advent calendars motivating her to get ready! 😃

Somebody asked about teddies, I know it’s silly, but the amount of teddies in her bed trigger me. She’s got three giant teddies, they are almost her size. And she’s hot like 50 (more or less) medium to small sized teddies in her bed. It’s a lot! Every time I move some of them (the ones she is least bothered about) she gets them back in her bed. She sleeps on them. I’m just worried about the dust they are collecting and her having to breathe it. Plus there is not enough room for her to sleep so she has to sleep on top of some of them, including her head and neck. It’s not good for her developing bones and posture. I know I’m overly anxious mum (I take pills for anxiety), but you can’t deny the fact that it’s important for a child to sleep on a sturdy mattress not on a squishy toy!

The reason I insisted is it’s our normal routine as he is the last one to give dd a kiss and sing her a quick song. They also have ‘kissy kissy’ time where they kiss each other 40 times. Don’t ask 🤦🏻‍♀️
so if he doesn’t do all the above things she might get even more frustrated so it’s easier when we stick to this routine

First off your DH needs an appointment about his sleep apnea and get that sorted out.

then I think you both need strategies to deal with it - for you your anxiety (why on Earth would you go to killing himself and with the teddies let that go) amd your anger - I know how hard it is to deal with but anger never helps. And routine strategies for the morning.

so if he doesn’t do all the above things she might get even more frustrated so it’s easier when we stick to this routine

But perhaps she does need to know that if she is unkind then she can't expect the routine to happen?

Seems like you picked the wrong time to make the teddies into an issue, and your husband bore the brunt of that. I think it's unfair of you to call him childish though - everyone has their breaking point and it sounds like he had already reached his even before you forced him to go back up. It was a very adult thing for him to remove himself from the situation, and calm down - no-one has infinite patience.

This.
How is your younger child in all of this, and in general?

Dads walked out, big sister and mum being emotional and panicking.
Were they asleep throughout?

Yes it may be easier on you and your DD if you stick to that routine but I get the sense that he bears the responsibility of calming her down all the time because you get shouty. That in itself isn't fair on your DH. You both need to figure out strategies for this kind of situation where the responsibility is yours, your husbands and your DDs. For a start, if routine is so important why on earth would you faff about with her teddies before sleep? They're teddies, just leave then alone. If you must move them, dont do it at bed time but during the day when she can't see you.

No I didn’t. I have suicide in my family. That doesn’t make it a proportionate response.

How are things this eve op? Have dp and dd made up and is she able to recognise what she said was mean?