Husband walked out help

[TyotyaKlava]

my Daughter 9 yo (autistic pda) came back from her brownies residential today. I think she was having a wind down but behaved horribly all of tonight. We bathed her before bed time and whilst bathing her she kept on screaming and refusing to do what she was told (such as wash herself). She kept on saying to her dad to not talk to him ( he is her favorite as he is a softie). At bedtime she told him to go away and never come back. After telling it to him twice he really got his coat and left! I’m angry with him as he should understand better she didn’t mean it. She’s got anger issues and he knows that. He shouldn’t have to walk out because of what a 9 year old tells him! She is now besides herself as she is worried he is going to kill himself (her school friends dad killed himself when they were younger). In trying to ring him but it’s going to voicemail. I’m slightly worried but also angry that he can be so silly and walk out because of what she told him she is a child after all! What do I do? Do I call the police? I can’t leave the house as don’t want to leave kids alone!

It can be. A clear and direct instruction can often shock into action.

I think you need some help quite urgently. Leaping to thoughts of suicide is extreme.

It was a misjudged coping strategy on his part and he should apologise. However, you both need to put something in place so when either of you are struggling you can get some space to decompress. Next time he may not come back.

I agree with what you said: our parenting methods are not consistent. Sometimes my oh goes behind my back and lets our children do things I will never allow. Such as give them phones to play with, or give them sugary treats before bedtime. He doesn’t agree with the rules I impose- such as only one sugary treat after lunch and dinner, and limit e screen time, a few times a week only. The kids are fine with it, and can play happily with their endless amounts of toys but if I am not in he finds it easier just to give them screens. I know it sounds controlling but it works when I’m there and he doesn’t want to stick to these rules.
we haven’t had any courses, nor have we got offered any. I don’t even know where to start.
my dd is diagnosed with autism, but not pda: however school has suggested she had it as she doesn’t like listening and likes to be in control. She doesn’t like when someone bosses her around and this is the main reason she doesn’t like playing with other children.

All you posters have done my heart good by not ripping into him for being a shitty dad. Too much nastiness for op on mn. Let him calm down. I know you also need some space mum. Hang in there honey 😱

Not nastiness from posters on this post, just in general

You missed the part where her school friends dad killed himself of course it will occur to them

I’m glad he’s home and hopefully now you can settle.
I just wanted to say that I think even the best parents in the world would struggle with a PDA child and sometimes you just need to remove yourself from the situation for your own sanity.
My son is PDA, my husband is the most patient bloke and has the ability to usually stay calm in the most challenging situations but there has been a couple of occasions where he’s had to leave the house before he lost his cool, as have I.
We all have our limits, he clearly reached his tonight.
Things do get easier as they get older, my son is now 14 and although he’s still difficult, it’s more like typical teenage moody strops rather than the meltdowns and saying cruel things which we used to get.
If you don’t do it already try a low demand parenting approach, this doesn’t have to mean letting them get away with murder but often just the way you deliver a request can make a difference, eg instead of telling her to do something you ask if she can help you with something - you doing something along side her reduces the demand. Subtle changes can make a big difference.
It’s not easy but it sounds like you and your DH are doing a great job.

He doesn't need a "stern talking to". He's been out walking 10 miles in the rain, obviously he isn't feeling fantastic. I'll hold my hands up and say I've behaved like this when I had a nervous breakdown and was suicidal. I just had to go. I couldn't bring myself to speak or text I was so numb. Did I do it to hurt anyone else? Of course not. It's not "childish" to be at the absolute end of your tether and not coping. The OP said she loses her temper 10 x a day and that's her stress showing too. His came out in a different way. He's never done it before, he clearly is a good dad and husband as OP has said. Be nice to each other and talk about it. Having been there sometimes it's not that straightforward and you just can't handle it. You don't consciously decide to upset anyone else. I once walked for miles and couldn't remember any of it I was that unwell. I hope you BOTH find some help soon.

Let him go away and calm down. I have two demand avoidant kids and sometimes it’s just too much and I want to run away. Once, during the summer holidays, I walked out and got in the car, not knowing where I wanted to go (don’t worry, DH was WFH so the kids were safe), and not too long ago I walked out and locked myself in the car in the dark.

Just let him take the time he needs and start afresh tomorrow.

edit: I see he’s back now (initially I thought your last post was saying he still wasn’t back) but I stand by what I said - it’s OK to walk out, especially when you know the other parent is there holding the fort.

You cannot be diagnosed with PDA. It’s not an officially recognised disorder, it’s been discussed but remains controversial. It’s not recognised by any diagnostic manual.

Yes that’s why she was ‘only’ diagnosed with autism. However normal autism strategies don’t work with her. She definitely had demand avoidance. She even says she doesn’t like to be bossed around and screams when told to do something. Like brush your teeth, or wash your hands or change or get ready. Things she does every day but every time it’s like a challenge to her to complete the task. She listens at school although reluctantly

Absolutely she needs to see words hurt. It's also good he gave himself time to calm down

@TyotyaKlava
Glad he is back ok.
It sounds extremely difficult for the both of you. As others have said - hang in there - it sounds like you are absolutely trying your hardest for your daughter and that means a lot. I hope you are managing some kind of self-care. I was once advised ‘to do one thing for yourself each day’ - it could be something tiny like listening to your favourite song in the car, or having your favourite cup of tea before bed.
I really hope you get the support you need. Here are some suggestions to start with:
• The PDA Society has a two page guide called ‘Helpful approaches for parents/carers’ - https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/resources/helpful-approaches-for-parents-carers/
• The PDA Society has an enquiry line which you may find helpful - https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/contact-us/enquiry-line/
• The National Autistic Society is also a useful place for information. They have many local support groups across the UK. Many specifically for parents & carers of autistic children where you can meet others who just ‘get it’. You can use this to search for a local group near you: https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/branches

Wishing you all the best in your search for support.

Solidarity OP, it sounds hard.

If at all possible, do get some outside help - someone to mediate discussion of parenting styles with DH, coping strategies for both of you - you get the idea.

I am glad he is safely back.

He has clearly got the end of his tether being a “calmer parent” and needs your support, rather than a bollocking.

You need to be a team here, your daughters behaviour will drive you apart if you’re not.

Thanks for your support everyone 🙏🏼

You cannot be diagnosed with PDA. It’s not an officially recognised disorder, it’s been discussed but remains controversial. It’s not recognised by any diagnostic manual.

This is partly true, but not totally.
PDA is a profile of autism, a behaviour, some doctors will diagnose a person with ‘Autism with a PDA profile’.
This is what my son has (from NHS), first we got the bog standard ASC diagnosis and then our paediatrician provided us with confirmation of PDA profile. It’s also written in his EHCP that anybody working with him should be trained in PDA, so in our case it’s definitely been recognised as a diagnosis / condition/ need, this has been key to us securing an EOTAS package.

1)guessing her reject him was easier(for her,in that moment)than i missed you\guilt from-i coped without you.
as i said,am guessing her behaviour. allowing for it.
In my book-silence is a form of torture.no advice on that.

I'm very glad that your husband is back safely, but I definitely believe that both you and your husband need expert help in how to live everyday with your DD, whatever diagnosis she may come umder the umbrella of. Of course any other children you have must also be fully included in how your family dynamics are going to work going forward.

However, @TyotyaKlava, I really only decided to respond here because of one small aspect relating to something you said (in your OP I think). I think you have had lots of good advice from PP's about the bigger picture of parenting your DC, and how you and your DH can support each other through these very challenging years. But can you explain to me why your DD can't have her bed full of soft toys if she wants them there? For tiny babies they are a definite health hazard whilst still in a cot, but I am struggling to see how they could be anything but a 'freak accident type of danger' to your DD, and we can't keep them wraped up for their whole childhoods in the proverbial cotton wool.

I am a great believer in only saying "no" to something for a genuine reason, because if we say "no", or even "maybe" too many times, both children and adults will start to learn that no isn't actually the powerful word it should be, and they may well then stop listening to that answer, as they will have little, to no, respect for it. So please can you share here what your reasoning is behind this rule of limiting the amount of soft toys being allowed on her bed, but much more importantly can you explain your reasoning to your DD.

Just treat carefully here with your DD, when I was about her age I was being a difficult little madam one day and refusing to go for a walk with my family. My dad got so pissed with me that he walked out and never came back. Neither of my parents spoke to me about it and for decades I blamed myself for my parents marriage breaking down. I have spent my life dealing with anxiety, fear of confrontation and I'm a massive people pleaser with abandonment issues and I think a lot of that can be traced back to that moment. It can be very damaging to put that on a child

He said he didn’t want to go as she was horrible, but I insisted and said that she was fine now.

I've read all your posts OP and keep coming back to this.

You say you DH was doing the dishes, maybe his way of removing himself inorder to calm down, and your DD wanted him to go back up but knowing the situation you could have explained to her that daddy was downstairs and she had upset him by the way she had used her words and he'd be back up in a while to say goodnight when she had calmed down.

Was there a reason you insisted he go back up?

Is there a possibility that he walked out and didn't answer his phone because he was a bit upset with you for insisting that he did go back up, by the sound of it he knew that if he went back up his DD was going to carry on with hurtful words, so avoided her until she'd calmed down by making himself busy in the kitchen.

ok. Turning the phone off leaving your kid in a state. That’s extremely childish behavior. I want to tell him all I think but I’ll leave it for tonight and do it tomorrow instead

He probably needs that walk in that moment - he’s an adult and can leave when he chooses - it was probably better than the alternative.

He seems to be using strategies that work better - maybe it’s times to reassess how you both parent going forward?

Well what happens if OP needs to walk it off but can't call for help because he has gone and turned his phone off what if the child escalated and she was in dire need of support

fwiw I've been there my house was destroyed I begged his dad for help he fucking refused yes he showed up ds had a bag packed got in his car he talked to him put him back out the car and drove away wouldn't take him for one night to give the rest of us a break his disappearance made it worse now his absence is a thorn in ds side because he feels worthless and I never get a break walking away is fine but walking away turning your phone off adding extra stress to a situation is wrong

We have 2 asd one pda pre teen girl. You are doing amazing they're tricky little volcanos <3