Husband walked out help

[TyotyaKlava]

my Daughter 9 yo (autistic pda) came back from her brownies residential today. I think she was having a wind down but behaved horribly all of tonight. We bathed her before bed time and whilst bathing her she kept on screaming and refusing to do what she was told (such as wash herself). She kept on saying to her dad to not talk to him ( he is her favorite as he is a softie). At bedtime she told him to go away and never come back. After telling it to him twice he really got his coat and left! I’m angry with him as he should understand better she didn’t mean it. She’s got anger issues and he knows that. He shouldn’t have to walk out because of what a 9 year old tells him! She is now besides herself as she is worried he is going to kill himself (her school friends dad killed himself when they were younger). In trying to ring him but it’s going to voicemail. I’m slightly worried but also angry that he can be so silly and walk out because of what she told him she is a child after all! What do I do? Do I call the police? I can’t leave the house as don’t want to leave kids alone!

Any worried person would do that and phone a few friends.
Not going to get you anywhere posting he's still.not back on here.
What are we supposed to do.
Just sounds like trying to wind everyone up and cause drama.

Not really ok to be gone this long without any communication in my view. It sounds hard but no excuse for not letting you know when he'll be back.

I don’t want to sound like a psycho speaking to a pub asking where he is, they don’t even know him he isn’t regular. Also he has not got friends, as they all drifted away since having families etc he goes to watch football by himself normally. I texted his brother but his brother doesn’t live close by so my husband definitely not in his

Hope your ok OP
PDA family dynamic are extremely challenging and can bring all kinds of mental health challenges for those supporting too.
sending kind thoughts x

I’m not ok I’m anxious as the time goes by
if he kills himself not onto it will be devastating for us it will destroy my daughter who will think it’s her fault

Hope be back soon. .sounds like he needed time to calm down so be gentle to him when. He is back x

OP, he's not going to have killed himself. You're catastrophising, which is understandable. But try to recognise that this isn't your rational brain talking to you right now.

Calm down and ignore the behaviour get on with your night and discuss it with him calmly when he shows up expecting a reaction

Act like a toddler get treated like one I suppose

How about maybe not replying with such disdain. The op is obviously upset and doesn’t need posters like yourself sticking the boot in when she’s clearly in a state

op stop being silly he hasn't killed himself. why ave you jumped to that as a likely situation.

he's taking breather, you said he's usually the more patient one, maybe he's just had enough this time. the constant barrage and insults can overload anyone.

have a hot drink and go to bed.

my dh is normally patient with her. He is more understanding and she loves him more for it

I think the first thing you need to do is listen to him. When the more patient one needs to get away, it suggests that something pretty big has gone on, and you might not have the full account yet.

Pubs usually shut at about 10:30 on Sundays, don't they? I'd not start worrying until a good half hour after that.

I am struck as how readily you are considering the possibility of suicide. I'm assuming there are other factors that you are choosing not to post about.

Please don't tell her it's her fault - as some people suggested on here. He's a grown man and it's his choice to storm out without communicating where he's going, how long for, why.

The kid had big feelings tonight and she needed him and asked for him. He needs to learn to talk to his daughter, focusing on what might be really happening for her and not taking offence in words she couldn't possibly mean.

I would say that buggering off without a word isn't a good way of teaching a child that her behaviour has consequences. It teaches a child that her parent is unreliable and not always there for them.
Stating appropriate boundaries and following through with consequences, enforcing boundaries, etc are better methods.
No one is suggesting that bad behaviour should be acquiesced to, with ND or NT children, or that they should never feel anything negative.
There are much more appropriate ways of showing a child the results of their behaviour and giving them responsibility for their actions appropriately.
it is important for parents presenting a united front and support each other in parenting when it is so hard.

Why are you concerned he may harm his self. Does he also have MH issues. Because if he does surely you should be alerting the authorities and seeking help. I really hope all will resolve itself and he is home soon

the kid has “big feelings” ( 🤮) all the time according to the OP. Having SEN doesn’t mean she’s never told off or taught that actions have consequences.
OP don’t pander to her, tell her dads upset because she was very unkind and she should think about this next time.

This.

I'm sure he's going to come back later. Try to get some rest and distract yourself for an hour before getting some sleep x

OP what makes you think he has harmed himself? Anything in his background? Anything he has said?

I get you are worried but it is a huge leap to think he has killed himself.

Have things been very bad this week/month?

I admit I have no experience of PDA. But from what I have read, I don’t think consequences work as well as they might for other kids?

You clearly have no idea what PDA is.

Perhaps not helpful right now, but I find Naomi Fisher a useful source for help with my autistic child. I follow her on Instagram and she also has courses.

https://instagram.com/naomicfisher?igshid=OGQ5ZDc2ODk2ZA==

https://naomi-fisher.mykajabi.com/low-demand-parenting

No real words of advice about this evening, it sounds like really crappy behaviour from your other half.

Better to walk out that loose it. I say this as a mother of an asd girl.

I also don’t blame him. Sometimes
it just gets to much.

It's unfair of him to turn off his phone. You haven't done anything wrong and your daughter isn't responsible either. If he had at least text you to say he needed a little break it wouldn't be so bad. He's being selfish. Hope you're okay OP.

Exactly. It never works with my dd, we’ve tried lots of things it’s just never worked. She is difficult and it’s the end of it. I wish there was more help but she is golden at school. We get the “best” of her behavior at home.
she will not learn from this. If things go back to normal and dh returns she will be back to her normal behavior as soon as possible.
my dh doesn’t have mental health issues but I think he is tired. He works hard, normally late hours when he wfh as he claims he doesn’t get things done during the day as he gets disrupted. He doesn’t sleep very well as he has sleep apnoe and snores quite badly.
i am a nightmare as my dd gets on my nerves and I get quite irritable as a result. It’s just complicated