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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband walked out help

168 replies

TyotyaKlava · 26/11/2023 20:01

my Daughter 9 yo (autistic pda) came back from her brownies residential today. I think she was having a wind down but behaved horribly all of tonight. We bathed her before bed time and whilst bathing her she kept on screaming and refusing to do what she was told (such as wash herself). She kept on saying to her dad to not talk to him ( he is her favorite as he is a softie). At bedtime she told him to go away and never come back. After telling it to him twice he really got his coat and left! I’m angry with him as he should understand better she didn’t mean it. She’s got anger issues and he knows that. He shouldn’t have to walk out because of what a 9 year old tells him! She is now besides herself as she is worried he is going to kill himself (her school friends dad killed himself when they were younger). In trying to ring him but it’s going to voicemail. I’m slightly worried but also angry that he can be so silly and walk out because of what she told him she is a child after all! What do I do? Do I call the police? I can’t leave the house as don’t want to leave kids alone!

OP posts:
OneMorePlant · 26/11/2023 21:28

TyotyaKlava · 26/11/2023 20:52

It’s been an hour since he’s gone. He’s got his wallet and phone but phone is switched off. My daughter never thinks she is at fault. To be fair it’s my fault she got angry at bedtime as I took some teddies off her as she her bed is swamped with them. She got angry and told him to go and never come back whilst I was sorting the second child out. He then kissed the second child good night and got to the kitchen to do the dishes. I then went to the oldest child (the 9 year old) to talk to her that she can’t have all of the teddies in her bed and that she needs to have a system in place where she takes turns each night and have half teddies in her basket. She seemingly agreed and I gave her the teddy back. She then asked for daddy and I kissed her good night and called him. He said he didn’t want to go as she was horrible, but I insisted and said that she was fine now. The next thing I know he is getting his coat and leaving the house (🤦🏻‍♀️) and she is chasing after him. Apparently she told him to go away and never come back again. I took her to bed and whilst I was doing that he was gone. That was an hour ago. The only possible thing I can think is he is at the pub down the road . Mind you he is not a drinker and he loves his early nights especially before work on Mondays! I just hope he is not in trouble and didn’t kill himself! 😓

You made this comment 50 minutes after the original post. You are now saying he's gone for an hour.

So when you made the post asking if you should call the police on him he was gone for 10 minutes??!!

Maybe it's not just his child he needs to get away from. He's talking a walk. Calm down you are probably also upsetting your children with your energy.

Grimbelina · 26/11/2023 21:30

OP, I don't think it is helpful to post this on AIBU, either for you, your daughter or your DH. The understanding of ASD let alone PDA is just not there as this thread demonstrates.

Your husband needed a breather, he has taken one. It is unlikely anything bad has happened. It would be good to explain this to your daughter in simple turns.

When your husband returns you both need to think about whether letting things get to the point of one of you walking out without saying anything is the best coping strategy. You might need some skilled support to help you with this.

Mariposista · 26/11/2023 21:32

So he should just sit there and put up with her vile behavior and abusive language?
Of course he will be in the pub or sheltering at a friend’s house.
FWIW it’s a good thing your child is upset - she caused this. Poor dad.

Redebs · 26/11/2023 21:32

I think you could really do with some joint training on how to deal with your daughter so that you present a united adult perspective to her when she us going through this.

Bedtime is a bad time for conflict, especially if she has just been away on a sleepover trip. There are ways of handling things and you need to have an action plan ready so that everyone - your husband included - knows what to expect.
Some things are not worth arguing with her about. Other things need tactful handling and de-escalation. A few issues are absolute.

Having a consistent, pre-agreed strategy will empower you and your husband. It will also enable your daughter to feel more secure in your boundaries and expectations.

In tonight's issue, it would have been expected that you would say to her that her language was unkind to her father and that it was not ok to speak like that. Then you could both have taken yourselves off to have a cup of tea or whatever, telling her you'd be back to settle her later. Your husband wouldn't have been put in an awful situation of trying to assert control over a child who just wants to argue.

Poor chap.

Birdcar · 26/11/2023 21:32

There are plenty of awful fathers on AIBU. This doesn't sound like one of them. Cut him some slack.

A day will come when you've reached your limit. He will have to hold everything together and carry on for the few hours until you've got your head together and come home too.

Parenting is hard.

maddening · 26/11/2023 21:32

Hope he is back soon op, think you need a parenting strategy talk as it is not fair to walk out and not let you know what is going on.

Onabench · 26/11/2023 21:34

He is a human too and we all need a breather. We are not unbreakable. Sounds like a better options than losing his rag at home.

Original poster
TyotyaKlava · 26/11/2023 21:35

Thanks for your messages everyone. He is still not home 😰 my daughter is still awake and really worried. I tried to calm her down and told her he is probably at the pub the one he goes to when he wants to watch football in piece. She seemed to buy it. But in reality I don’t have a clue where he is!
yes it’s really hard with her, she is so difficult. Constant screaming stamping and generally annoying behavior. Normally I am the one who gets all of the abuse as he doesn’t normally deal with bedtimes. She says things like she wants me dead, she hates me etc. I know she doesn’t mean it but it hurts nevertheless. She told me she doesn’t want me to be at her school Xmas lunch with parents as it’s my turn this year (only one parent is allowed and it was daddy last year). She said I was mean and that she will not join. She acts like a spoilt child but I know it’s her pda talking. I do lose my temper with her rather often, my dh is normally patient with her. He is more understanding and she loves him more for it. We do need strategies as we have not got a clue how to deal with her. The only way she listens if I shout at her but I really hate being like that. I need help

OP posts:
BoohooWoohoo · 26/11/2023 21:35

A lot of people would have ended up shouting back at her and deeply regretting it. Leaving for a breather when you are at home was the mature way to deal with things. Even if he can normally shake it off, he’s human and will have times that he can’t cope.

I understand why you are worried and may be angry that he wasn’t not at home when you wished that you could do the same. Continue supporting each other because what you’re coping with is super hard 💐💐

Original poster
TyotyaKlava · 26/11/2023 21:35

He is still not back 😓

OP posts:
fashionqueen1183 · 26/11/2023 21:37

Loosing your rag and needing space is fine. Needing to leave the house seems rather over dramatic (couldn’t he just leave the room/floor/go to the garden or step outside). And not answering his phone is now giving you (who he has left with the children) unnecessary stress. He could at least let you know where he is and that he’ll be back in ten etc
It sounds like this won’t be the first time you have conflict with your daughter and he needs to learn how to deal with it.

Sapphire387 · 26/11/2023 21:38

Tbh I think the worst bit is him not answering his phone and not saying when he will be back. That's really not on, leaving you to deal with everything and leaving you worried.

Balloonhearts · 26/11/2023 21:38

She needs to learn that it is not acceptable to say such spiteful nasty things to people.

Bollocks to say its because of her autism. Autism doesn't mean nasty, bratty behaviour. Lack of boundaries and low expectations do that.

She needs to learn that being horrible to people means they won't want to be with her. She told him to go away so he has.

Sit her down, make it clear that her behaviour is disgraceful and unacceptable and dole out some consequences.

Zonder · 26/11/2023 21:39

Wow.he has really dropped you in it. He needs to learn to adult.

Onceuponaheartache · 26/11/2023 21:39

As a former rainbow, brownie and guide leader the excessive tiredness turns all kids into psycho brats for a good 23 hours after a residential.

I would guess your dh hit his limit, far better to walk away from the situation than risk a further escalation.

He will calm down and come home and then dd needs to apologise for her behaviour.

Asd or not she needs to learn that certain things are not acceptable

Lovemusic82 · 26/11/2023 21:40

Sorry you’re having a fought evening OP. Raising dc with autism and PDA is hard work. I think your dh has probably removed himself from the situation for the right reasons, maybe he was worried that he was going to shout back at her and make the situation worse? He’s probably just cooling off somewhere before returning home? I’m sure he will turn up soon.

Katbum · 26/11/2023 21:40

Skyisbluegrassisgreen · 26/11/2023 21:22

I totally disagree with everyone that is holding your child responsible. She’s an emotional child who needs her parents to be her safe space and act like adults / parents. To say your daughter is horrible and refuse to kiss her goodnight is incredibly immature and to make a child responsible for the feelings of an adult is horribly needy and it’s just wrong to put that pressure on your daughter. I think your husband is completely in the wrong. If he needed space he ought to have calmly told you he needed an hour to himself and said goodnight to the children and told them he was getting some fresh air and that there was nothing to worry about. Then he ought to have composed himself and dealt with the situation once he was calm.

Edited

Part of parenting is teaching children how to behave in the world, and what the consequences of behaviour are. There is currently this idea that children need to never feel anything negative, nor see the results of their behaviour. That if they are ND you somehow hace to acquiesce to bad behaviour out of love and kindness. I don't agree this is good parenting. There are times where allowing a child to feel the results of their actions is good parenting,

Lovemusic82 · 26/11/2023 21:40

Rough not fought

doingthebesticanover40 · 26/11/2023 21:40

I would also worry why your daugher was so distressed after a residential stay. My young son ( no sens ) was left once on a top bunk bed and was too scared to pick up his blankets and didn't sleep. He was v distressed when he came home and it took a few hours to unravel why.

UnwellANDannoyed · 26/11/2023 21:41

I might ring the pub if I were you to check?

BlueEyedPeanut · 26/11/2023 21:42

Do you think she has taken it on board that the way she spoke to him has played a part in him walking out? It is impossible to know what is part of her ASD/PDA profile and what is part of normal bratty boundary-pushing behaviour in children. If she does learn from this and changes how she speaks to him, then you'll know there is more that can be worked on re: her behaviour.

Theunamedcat · 26/11/2023 21:45

Fine for him to take a breather not fine for him to drop you in it because unless he has only been parenting her for a few weeks he must have known this was going to agitate the situation and make life more difficult for you

Redebs · 26/11/2023 21:45

Lots of responses on here showing a complete misunderstanding of children's social and emotional needs. 😢

IncompleteSenten · 26/11/2023 21:45

That's really shitty of him. You just can't do that. Take a few minutes in another room to calm down, go stand in the garden and invent new swear words but you don't walk out. It's not ok.

As an aside - why can't she have all the soft toys to sleep with? My youngest slept with loads for years. They helped calm and comfort him.

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