Husband walked out help

[TyotyaKlava]

my Daughter 9 yo (autistic pda) came back from her brownies residential today. I think she was having a wind down but behaved horribly all of tonight. We bathed her before bed time and whilst bathing her she kept on screaming and refusing to do what she was told (such as wash herself). She kept on saying to her dad to not talk to him ( he is her favorite as he is a softie). At bedtime she told him to go away and never come back. After telling it to him twice he really got his coat and left! I’m angry with him as he should understand better she didn’t mean it. She’s got anger issues and he knows that. He shouldn’t have to walk out because of what a 9 year old tells him! She is now besides herself as she is worried he is going to kill himself (her school friends dad killed himself when they were younger). In trying to ring him but it’s going to voicemail. I’m slightly worried but also angry that he can be so silly and walk out because of what she told him she is a child after all! What do I do? Do I call the police? I can’t leave the house as don’t want to leave kids alone!

@TyotyaKlava but you said earlier the only thing your daughter responds to it being shouted at-that’s not typical of pda and autism is it?

I would not do that till I knew he was OK though - if something did happen the.guilt would be awful

He is probably clearing his head OP.
Yes it's shitty of him to turn his phone off but he might need it.
I hope he comes back soon but when he does don't go off it will not help the situation. Discuss it when your both calm

phew he is back
soaking wet as apparently he walked ten miles 🤦🏻‍♀️

I don’t agree a child should have to be scared that she has the power to make her father leave. If he said im struggling with hearing you talk that way I need some time to myself and I’ll be back in an hour, that would be different. But he’s just left and left his family in emotional turmoil.

He'll be back. A PDA kid is enough to drive you to the brink and she needs to learn that words can hurt. PDA or not. Let him have a breather OP.

He needs a stern talking to OP.

He is emotionally hurting his daughter. He knew the impact this would have on you all, and it's not on.

Yes, her behaviour needs addressing, but this isn't the way.

I hope he apologises to you and your daughters.

Why should he? He’s obviously been driven to the brink. I hope OP helps him with all the issues shes just listed as reasons he might have felt suicidal. And speaking as someone with PDA, you can’t gloss over the consequences of actions. You have to learn that what you say and do can hurt people.

My daughter never thinks she is at fault

as others have posted, maybe it's time she starts to learn that her actions have consequences.

I’m not sure what’s typical anymore. She might have her own diagnosis.

OP I don't understand why you're jumping to the conclusion that DH has harmed himself. Has he expressed thoughts of self harm or self harmed in the past at all? If so you need to tell the police this if it comes to it because it will make a massive difference to his vulnerability

I don't agree that dd should be punished as such but I do think it's really important that you don't pussyfoot around the behaviour and use it as a learning point that your words and actions have consequences. I don't think it's unreasonable of him to have walked away but I do think it's really shitty of him to have just walked out, leaving you to deal with the fallout with no indication of when he'll be back or confirmation that he's safe. Maybe he also needs to learn that his actions have consequences as well. I'd be having stern words

To be fair the husband could also be annoyed with the OP for insisting that he went back up to the child when the OP knew she was in an abusive state. So he may want a break from the whole family and has turned off his phone for some breathing space. Not ideal or something I would do, but a more likely scenario than he has gone off to end his life.

(Is your child adopted OP? my godson is and has PDA which his parents have been told was likely caused by early trauma and is fairly common in adoptees from certain backgrounds. I know they have been getting support from post-adoption services, so could be something to explore if relevant)

So glad to hear he's back safe and sound, OP.

It does sound as if you need professional support and guidance on how best to help your daughter, whose demands sound very difficult to cope with. As well as your DD's behaviour being a big problem, your DH may find your current coping mechanisms hard to handle on top of that.

I guess you've already looked at this?
https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/resources/support-for-parents-carers/

I agree with this, and had similar issues with one of my children.

Yes you do need a break from it - but letting the child think that a parent will actually go away forever (because in her mind, that's what happened: she told him to go away forever, and that's what he did) is awful behaviour.

He should have said: "I can't cope with this now: I'm going for a long walk to calm down, and I will come back later".

That models withdrawing from a situation which has the potential to escalate, without escalating it in a different way (which is what he did by not answering his phone or telling the OP what was going on).

OP, you have my sympathies as it's so difficult trying to deal with all of this, especially as I am guessing you don't have the luxury of just walking off and not telling anyone where you are going.

The fact you keep saying this says your family could do with some outside support. It's not normal to jump to suicide when someone's gone for a breather.

He should have texted his wife, saying he's gone for a walk to clear his head.

Not left, turned his phone off and left everyone to be worried sick. That's irresponsible and very unkind. OP did nothing wrong, he should have had the courtesy to have let his loved ones know he was ok.

Bloody hell. Some of you need to count yourselves damned lucky that you don’t have a child with PDA, and stop doling out useless criticism to someone who does.

OP, I’m glad he’s back. Try to be kind if you can. It’s bloody hard work (as you obviously know) and it’s not at all surprising that he’s been pushed to the brink.

Sending unmumsnetty hugs to all of you x

I'm glad your DH is back safe. It sounds really tough for you both. Be kind to each other.

Some responders on here clearly have no idea about PDA 🤦🏻‍♀️

Give him a big hug and tell him you understand. We all have a point and your home life sounds exceptionally hard.
best wishes

Am glad your husband is home safely.

I think removing himself from the situation when he knew the children were safe with another parent was the right thing to do.

You (both) seem to be having trouble deciding and sticking to parenting methods, would you agree with that? I wonder what support is out there for you as parents, and advice to try and help manage your daughter's condition. What type of courses have you already done? When was her PDA diagnosed and who by?

hes Never walked out before, we don’t go for a breather in our household! Maybe we should actually but let other people know that we are ok. Turning the phone off leaving your kid in a state. That’s extremely childish behavior. I want to tell him all I think but I’ll leave it for tonight and do it tomorrow instead.
as for my dd learning the lesson I think it’s unfair. She doesn’t behave very well that’s true. But she struggles with her pda and already lack confidence. She hates herself as it is, even though she is beautiful and very intelligent. She doesn’t talk to the kids at school and has only one friend. She doesn’t like the attention plus she doesn’t like when she is told what to do.
i say all this things but i lose my temper with her ten times a day as she is a nightmare at home.
we do need help with her and I need help in general I’m not coping with her behavior

@Autumnleaves89
It's the difference of being mature and immature. The child is not responsible for this grown man leaving the house without a word, switching off his phone.
If something had happened to him, his daughter would've lived with the guilt forever. Do you really think that's natural consequence?

@asvand he is only human. He’s been pushed to the brink. He’s dealing with a lot and op doesn’t seem understanding or supportive-by her own admission he is usually the calm one and she shouts a lot.
I feel really sorry for him.