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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband walked out help

168 replies

TyotyaKlava · 26/11/2023 20:01

my Daughter 9 yo (autistic pda) came back from her brownies residential today. I think she was having a wind down but behaved horribly all of tonight. We bathed her before bed time and whilst bathing her she kept on screaming and refusing to do what she was told (such as wash herself). She kept on saying to her dad to not talk to him ( he is her favorite as he is a softie). At bedtime she told him to go away and never come back. After telling it to him twice he really got his coat and left! I’m angry with him as he should understand better she didn’t mean it. She’s got anger issues and he knows that. He shouldn’t have to walk out because of what a 9 year old tells him! She is now besides herself as she is worried he is going to kill himself (her school friends dad killed himself when they were younger). In trying to ring him but it’s going to voicemail. I’m slightly worried but also angry that he can be so silly and walk out because of what she told him she is a child after all! What do I do? Do I call the police? I can’t leave the house as don’t want to leave kids alone!

OP posts:
Original poster
TyotyaKlava · 26/11/2023 20:52

It’s been an hour since he’s gone. He’s got his wallet and phone but phone is switched off. My daughter never thinks she is at fault. To be fair it’s my fault she got angry at bedtime as I took some teddies off her as she her bed is swamped with them. She got angry and told him to go and never come back whilst I was sorting the second child out. He then kissed the second child good night and got to the kitchen to do the dishes. I then went to the oldest child (the 9 year old) to talk to her that she can’t have all of the teddies in her bed and that she needs to have a system in place where she takes turns each night and have half teddies in her basket. She seemingly agreed and I gave her the teddy back. She then asked for daddy and I kissed her good night and called him. He said he didn’t want to go as she was horrible, but I insisted and said that she was fine now. The next thing I know he is getting his coat and leaving the house (🤦🏻‍♀️) and she is chasing after him. Apparently she told him to go away and never come back again. I took her to bed and whilst I was doing that he was gone. That was an hour ago. The only possible thing I can think is he is at the pub down the road . Mind you he is not a drinker and he loves his early nights especially before work on Mondays! I just hope he is not in trouble and didn’t kill himself! 😓

OP posts:
ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 26/11/2023 20:53

I’ve done this several times when my ASD dd was kicking off.

I had to escape to be able to think. Sometimes l walked, sometimes l drove. It always helped calm me down. We all have a breaking point, but she was safe with Dh.

Createausername1970 · 26/11/2023 20:54

Yes, send him a nice message. DS could be quite horrid to DH at times, and although DH knew it wasn't meant, it still wasn't nice and it upset him.

Say you will put the kettle on when he is on his way back, and if he is passing a corner shop, can he pick up some biscuits.

Sapphire387 · 26/11/2023 20:56

Sounds like you're pandering to her quite a bit tbh. You shouldn't have 'insisted' DH went back after she'd already said it the first time.

arethereanyleftatall · 26/11/2023 21:02

'My daughter never thinks she is at fault'

Well, she was at fault this time, and it's quite easy to point out how. 'But you told him to leave and never come back? What do you think he felt when you said that?' (But only once he's back!)

Maray1967 · 26/11/2023 21:03

When he’s back you’ll need to agree a way forward but you do need to make her understand that words can have consequences. She has to learn that she cannot talk to people like this.

bozzabollix · 26/11/2023 21:06

It must be so hard dealing with your daughter’s additional needs, it takes it’s toll. He’s just taking time out.

arethereanyleftatall · 26/11/2023 21:07

I think this story is good for anger... ripplekindness.org/nails-in-the-fence/

mumtoboys12 · 26/11/2023 21:09

He will just be calming down. Try not to worry xxx

Mama9076 · 26/11/2023 21:10

Completely reasonable to need some space in that situation, I would speak to him when he’s back and say next time just let me know you need some space and where he is going so you are not worrying.

WhereDidILeaveMyMojo · 26/11/2023 21:10

She said some cruel things and he left the house for an hour, and you’ve leapt to the conclusion that he might kill himself?? There must be something else going on for you to make that assumption/have that fear, surely?

I’d assume that he was upset and has gone for a walk to cool down (and very probably to the pub). I agree with others that this is a natural consequence for your daughter to learn that words have consequences and if you say hurtful things then the person will react to that hurt.

Wife2b · 26/11/2023 21:14

Better he goes for a walk than lose it with her. We all have our limits. Hopefully he will be back soon.

Giggorata · 26/11/2023 21:17

I am very surprised that the general consensus seems to be that this is OK.
i don't think it is OK to respond to a child acting out in this way, nor do I think it is OK to I leave your partner dealing with the initial struggle plus the fallout.
Nor do I think it is OK to leave your partner In the dark in this circumstance, to just leave and not to respond to the phone.

I do understand the need for time out sometimes, because it sounds bloody hard, but surely a muttered “l'll see you later” and then answering the phone to your partner who is dealing with all the shit you walked out from isn't too much to ask?

if this was me, I would want to agree some sort of arrangement when someone is at the end of their tether, plus it would need to be reciprocal.

EvilElsa · 26/11/2023 21:17

I agree with others that he just needed to get out and take a deep breath for a while rather than getting cross and shouting or saying something he regrets. We all have our limits -I have an autistic child so I totally understand. Send him a text to call you and let you know he is OK-hopefully he will turn his phone on soon and contact you. It's tough OP, try to stay calm.

Didiplanthis · 26/11/2023 21:20

Both me and DH have walked away/out (not at the same time !) in the past when PDA DS has been really hurtful. Because we are human and have a breaking point. Walking away is much much safer than getting angry. Sometimes DH has walked away because he is crying...go easy on your DH.. you know how hard parenting PDA is....it pushes parents right to the edge. It's OK to need to regroup..

Headband · 26/11/2023 21:21

As a pp said, do you think that you pander to your daughter and he's had enough of it?

Whattodo112222 · 26/11/2023 21:22

I'm sure he is fine OP. People can't be immune to not feeling hurt. You shouldn't have pushed him to go up to her either.

Londonrach1 · 26/11/2023 21:22

Sounds like he couldn't take much more and needed a break. He left a responsible adult with his children. I imagine you felt or done similar...better to walk away sometimes. Don't lie to your dd he phoned etc...just settle her as best you can . I hope he back soon, it is very cold out there. Talk to dh when back as sounds like he struggling with dd. Both of you need to work together re her .

DixonD · 26/11/2023 21:22

She won’t forget this - my dad this to me when I was younger than 9 and it’s stayed with me. He should have said he was just going for a walk, not storm out like that. It’s abusive to your child.

I’m with you OP. I’d be really unhappy about this.

Skyisbluegrassisgreen · 26/11/2023 21:22

I totally disagree with everyone that is holding your child responsible. She’s an emotional child who needs her parents to be her safe space and act like adults / parents. To say your daughter is horrible and refuse to kiss her goodnight is incredibly immature and to make a child responsible for the feelings of an adult is horribly needy and it’s just wrong to put that pressure on your daughter. I think your husband is completely in the wrong. If he needed space he ought to have calmly told you he needed an hour to himself and said goodnight to the children and told them he was getting some fresh air and that there was nothing to worry about. Then he ought to have composed himself and dealt with the situation once he was calm.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 26/11/2023 21:22

Giggorata · 26/11/2023 21:17

I am very surprised that the general consensus seems to be that this is OK.
i don't think it is OK to respond to a child acting out in this way, nor do I think it is OK to I leave your partner dealing with the initial struggle plus the fallout.
Nor do I think it is OK to leave your partner In the dark in this circumstance, to just leave and not to respond to the phone.

I do understand the need for time out sometimes, because it sounds bloody hard, but surely a muttered “l'll see you later” and then answering the phone to your partner who is dealing with all the shit you walked out from isn't too much to ask?

if this was me, I would want to agree some sort of arrangement when someone is at the end of their tether, plus it would need to be reciprocal.

Actually yes it is too much to ask.

When your head is exploding you don’t want phone calls or texts. You just want S P A C E.

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 26/11/2023 21:25

@TyotyaKlava there must be more to this story .
A man goes out in a gone and hour and you think he could have killed himself due to
your daughter being nasty with words .
Does not make sense

margotrose · 26/11/2023 21:25

He'll be back.

Just let him have some space.

Insidelaurashead · 26/11/2023 21:26

Hope he's home soon, OP. Perhaps when things are settled you can agree a code or something for future 'I need a walk' moments. A texted emoji or a 'I'm getting biscuits' or anything that means I'm safe and okay

BananaPyjamaLlama · 26/11/2023 21:27

Hes probably just gone to a pub for a drink and a bit of a quiet sit down/chat with whoever is there. Even if it isnt usual for him to go to a pub. Its only 9:30 so still very early. If I were you op Id make myself a hot drink, find a comfy blanket and sit down to watch something cosy on the tv. He'll come back when hes ready.