when asked how did you sleep, the correct answer is Fine thank you

[Crumpetdisappointment]

my dm stayed with me as were went away for the night to see dd

up early the day of departure, how did you sleep i asked, i had made her a hot water bottle
her answer was she kept being woken by someone going to the bathroom and the light making a noise

i thought that was the wrong answer and sets us off on a bad foot, just lie surely?
obviously that someone may well have been dh who does use the loo at night but he doesnt put the light on, nor does he flush
i came downstairs at 4.00 am myself due to early waking , possibly caused by DH but I never complain

would you have lied in this situation or is it fair enough to complain?

I can't stand social rules like this. I get it if it's just a passing acquaintance, but to expect your own mother to just smile and be polite rather than be honest with you. I actually find it quite sad.

Very odd to me that you would interpret it as her having a dig at you.

@Whinge how much older than my dh is she? do you know?
and what easy changes do you recommend

when dd was home she complained dh didnt flush
and I complained that she had a shower at midnight.

that's house sharing with adults, it needs give and take
but i would probably let dd off where as i struggle with dm because she is hypercritical of dh

This is very ironic

What a weird thread. What would you ask a question and then expect someone to lie?

but i would probably let dd off where as i struggle with dm because she is hypercritical of dh

Probably because he doesn't seem to give a shit about other people....

Your husband sounds very irritating, getting up to make toast at 4am.

how much older than my dh is she? do you know? and what easy changes do you recommend

You tell me. I suspect at least 20 years older, but either way she's not up multiple times a night waking everyone else in the house and refusing to apologise for doing so.

As for easy changes:

DH sleeps downstairs
Doesn't get up to make toast
Visits a GP, as multiple trips to the toilet overnight isn't normal
Doesn't turn the light on

Why ask if you don't want to hear the answer? It's your mother, you shouldn't need polite small talk that follows a script.

There's a difference between answering a question honestly and complaining. You haven't mentioned her going on about it, or bringing it up later, you're criticising your mum for daring to answer a question asked by her own daughter honestly. Polite how are you and how did you sleep type questions are for acquaintances, work colleagues you're not friends with, people who are friendly but not close friends. There's a difference and should be, if I care about someone I care how they slept and how they are. I'm guessing you're not close to your mum, or you're angry at her for something, or you really don't like her, because this isn't how you treat people you far about.

Just don’t ask if you can’t handle the reply! Drama over nothing!!

If she was meaning it as a complaint, then tough, ignore her. If she doesn’t like it, she doesn’t have to stay in future. I’d roll my eyes and say ‘oh dear, you’ll be home soon and can sleep all you like then!’

no drama @Melodysmum12 thank you

but i would probably let dd off where as i struggle with dm because she is hypercritical of dh

Oh OP....you are here complaining that your mother is overly critical of your husband and yet don't see that you are actually being hypercritcal of your own mother. It's a non issue that you are blowing up out of all proportion.

I think you need to work out why you are so unnecesssrily protective of DH and his bad habits that affect others, yourself included.

I don’t see where DM complained. She was asked a question and she gave an honest answer. (rightly so)

I’m not one to just spout things without thought ( unlike the cheeky cow neighbour yesterday that thought it was ok to tell me people that told me my hair was cool and could tell it was bleached to silver blonde, we’re just telling me that to make me feel better 🤔, and that SHE preferred when it was more “golden”… I must stress, I did not ask her opinion or even start talking about my hair she just decided to say all this when I put my jacket hood down)

But if I get asked a question be it how did you sleep to how does this look on me, I can assure you that you will be getting a straight up honest answer from me, and equally if I ask a question I would expect an honest answer. If I wanted lies or something sugarcoated I won’t ask.

I think there’s history here. I bet if DD had said what your mum said you would have just said ‘oh no what a pain, unfortunately Dad does often need to pee in the night but I’ll ask him to tiptoe and not put the light on.’

Or this is just OPs overly critical interpretation of DM behaviour, after all if she's this pissed off her mum gave her an honest answer I don't think it would take much for her to decide someone is hyper critical.

A is not correct but don't ask if you do not want an honest answer. B and C are correct. No one is saying D.

People are pointing out that you asked a question and received an answer that was factual rather than 'having a go' at your DH. He was noisy and irritated her by his frequent bathroom trips and he clearly had the light or or she wouldn't have mentioned it.

The correct response is 'Really sorry about that, I'll tell him to be quieter' and get on with your day.

Being a people pleaser is not a good thing.

Not everyone thinks like you OP. If I get a question I answer it. I don’t guess the subtext or guess that they are asking and don’t want to know the answer. It might be a social norm for you but it definitely isn’t for everyone else. You seem blind to the fact other people don’t think like you.

you are right @ImCamembertTheBigCheese

True it's probably just that no one else dares say anything negative for fear of the OP overreacting.

Although it sounds like she's got the measure of him if she is over critical, he's an inconsiderate twat, hopefully one day the OP wakes up and realises this.

The people who think that everyone else understands or cares about subtext, tone of voice or social norms are the people who go through life being constantly offended. Constantly second guessing or assuming things that are unsaid and putting double meaning into things that have single meanings. It must be exhausting.

Guests who give me feedback on the spare rooms are gems.

I've made each room nicer and nicer since getting the details on the mattress, better light-blocking, charging cables by the bed, a bin with a lid, etc. All useful information in my view, when taken within the context of a happy and good faith relationship where all parties value each other and feel confident everything is meant well.

I know my friends like me and are not attacking me through the unusual vector of a lumpy mattress topper. But it sounds like you don't like your mum. Is everything okay there?

Exactly this ^

You'd expect your own mother to lie?

If someone is staying at your house surely you're close enough to them to be genuinely interested in their opinions. If you expect them to lie don't bloody invite them.

i came downstairs at 4.00 am myself due to early waking , possibly caused by DH but I never complain

This part of the Op is more illuminating that anything else.

You get woken up at 4am. Know it’s because your husband has recently got up and it’s disturbed you.

But wouldn’t complain? Why not? Is that the issue? That no one dare complain about anything your dh does?

He disturbs your sleep and you say absolutely nothing? Who does that help?