when asked how did you sleep, the correct answer is Fine thank you

[Crumpetdisappointment]

my dm stayed with me as were went away for the night to see dd

up early the day of departure, how did you sleep i asked, i had made her a hot water bottle
her answer was she kept being woken by someone going to the bathroom and the light making a noise

i thought that was the wrong answer and sets us off on a bad foot, just lie surely?
obviously that someone may well have been dh who does use the loo at night but he doesnt put the light on, nor does he flush
i came downstairs at 4.00 am myself due to early waking , possibly caused by DH but I never complain

would you have lied in this situation or is it fair enough to complain?

Adult DD and I had to share a room for one night on a trip recently. I asked her how she slept and unfortunately I’d been snoring and kept her awake. She told me, I apologised, she said it’s ok, it’s not your fault. We agreed maybe separate rooms next time would be best. Then went on to have a lovely day. That’s how families generally deal with these things.

In your scenario I’d be looking at is there another room your DM could sleep in, maybe setting up a bed downstairs. Or do you have a downstairs loo your DH could use instead of the upstairs one. I mean you acknowledge it’s a problem yourself so do you expect her to just ignore it and lie?

Being a people-pleaser isn’t very healthy at the best of times but in some circumstances it’s necessary, however it’s not fair to project that onto other people and get frustrated when they do not people-please.

clearly your mother is more honest than you, your ‘people-pleasing’ sounds like a way to cover up the fact you’d rather lie than ever have to have a negative conversation. It takes so much effort to be that petty.

good idea @EmpressSoleil

I dont think you're horrible but I think you're overlooking your husbands impact and turning a blind eye.

He woke you all up. He didnt apologise if it was said in front if him. He possibly put the light on and must have ben quite loud if she heard him through a closed door.

Did you both go to bed later than her?
Because you likely disturbed her then as well. For a peacekeeper it seems weird that you have the attitude that you're hosting so she should just be grateful.

At other times he goes downstairs in the middle of the night...doing what? How does he do this loudly enough to wake you?

I never complain

This isn't some badge of honour. There's no end of issues on here stemming from women putting up with shit to 'keep the peace'. That's not our job.

Yes it’s a ‘standard’ question with a ‘standard’ answer, which is asked out of politeness, but it’s exceptionally impolite to not actually care about the honest answer if you’re given one. If you didn’t want to know the answer you shouldn’t have asked the question.

I would expect an honest answer. I'd give an honest answer too. If I ask how someone slept, I do really want to know the answer.

he comes down and reads
but this night he had a bad cold

sometimes he comes down and makes toast, so that wakes me

the thing is people go to the loo in the night, in most households - once you are over a certain age. anyway, i wont ask anymore

anyway, i wont ask anymore

So rather than solve the issue your solution is the bury your head in the sand and continue to ignore the elephant in the room...

This is utterly bonkers! I'd hazard a guess that your DH absolutely did put the light on because you stated her answer was she kept being woken by someone going to the bathroom and the light making a noise.

Personally, if my mum was staying overnight, I'd want her to answer honestly to the question of how she slept. Why wouldn't you be actually interested?

Oh and if your DH is getting up multiple times a night, that would mightily piss me off too!

OP, is it only women you have this expectation of? Yourself as well as your mother - but not your DH? He can bumble along oblivious but the women should stfu? That's what it comes across as, apologies if it's not.

I assume she's used to living on her own and not having other people in the house at night, because people getting up to go to the loo is just a thing that happens. They can do their best to be quiet but having lights turned on is better than someone falling downstairs in the dark and having an accident.

If I were you I would want to make adjustments so my own mother, who is doing me a favour, would be as comfortable as possible.

You’re very sensitive.

You asked a question, you got an answer. You MIL didn’t feel the need to people please and lie to you so you’re upset?

I think you’re being silly.

Very much this.
You put way more pressure on yourself and your mother than you do your husband.
Why do you think that is?
Why do you think its important to lie I order to smooth things over?
I don't think you ate horrible at all, but I do think that you and the women in your life would be happier if you examined where this comes from and challenge the thinking behind it.

she wasnt doing me a favour was she?
it is my house

anyway, i wont ask anymore

So you didn't actually want an answer to the question? You asked only because you thought it was the socially expected thing to do and expected only (what you deem to be) a socially acceptable response?

Asking the question means you can do something about it the next time, no? Such as @EmpressSoleil's suggestions.

Who made you a people pleaser @Crumpetdisappointment? Because it doesn't sound like it was your mum!

Don't ask a question if only one answer is acceptable to you. That's bizarre to me and seems controlling. You clearly weren't interested in whether or not she had a good night's sleep.

If I found out that a guest in my home hadn't slept well, I'd say something apologetic. Not feel annoyed that they were honest.

haha @PortalooSunset

Depends who asking? I'd usually say fine if it was someone I did t know. If it was my work colleagues, then we all go into great detail about how we slept. Especially if we are on nights 😂

You seem to think it's a polite question to ask a guest, but that's rubbish if you don't actually care about the answer... what is polite about that?

I can't understand the idea of having to make superficial, meaningless small talk with your own mother simply to tick some sort of politeness box.

From my perspective, if someone knows me well enough to stay overnight in my house, then I would expect to have gone past the point of making conversation by rote.

I hadn't considered this until you mentioned it.
The lack of capital letters and punctuation does make me wonder.

well as we were going away together for the weekend i dont think it is a good start to criticize someone's behaviour - it makes them feel bad, and in fact the following morning i was going to the loo at 4 am and feeling concerned that my dm would complain, should i flush or shouldnt i.
minefield.

the thing is people go to the loo in the night, in most households - once you are over a certain age. anyway, i wont ask anymore

Your mother is much older than your DH and doesn't wake multiple times a night, distrurbing the sleep of everyone else in the house.

By all means bury your head in the sand and refuse to make easy changes that will make guests welcome in your house. I'm sure it won't bother you if people refuse to visit, because after all you never complain.

oh bit unnecessary @Whinge