Teenager smashed sisters phone

[Stress101]

Two teenagers 13 and 15, girls. 15 old smashed 13 year old phone this morning. I was in bed as I'm unwell and DH was downstairs with them. They usually get on well apart from the usual sister arguments. I'm always on top of it when it starts between them and put an end to it. DH however is partially deaf ,doesn't wear his hearing aid and so doesn't always intervene on time.

Anyway things escalated and phone is now smashed. DH said that DD15 has to replace the broken phone which means she won't get all of the Christmas presents she wants. She also has money from her Grandmother from doing well in her exams that DH has said she needs to hand this over too.

DD15 can get very angry and has blown up at me before. Prior to this DH has let her away with a lot. I stayed out of it upstairs as I knew DD15 would turn on me if I said anything.

What is the the right and fair thing to do.

Hey @op

I have breast cancer too. 50% of my brain is taken up with that at all times too.

Are your girls stressed about what's happening to you? If that is part of why the phone smashing happened I would probably treat the incident differently.

DH is right kids need to learn that actions have consequences. Make her pay for the phone or repair and take hers away until your son gets a replacement.

Me get a grip? Are you for real?

A 3yo dripping your phone is an accident. A 15yo deliberately smashing her sister's phone is NOT an accident.

Insurance is not to cover deliberate damage.

Why not just be done with it and deliberately smash your phone when you fancy a new one then? Get the insurance to pay for that, too!

Of course it would be fraudulent to claim the phone was accidentally damaged. It quite obviously wasn't an accident. It's not rocket science.

Don't punish the grandmother by using her money she gave as a rears to pay towards the phone.

The 15 year must pay by other means.

The 15 yo would be giving the 13 yo her phone.

She can then save to replace.

This cannot go unpunished, she's 15 and has destroyed her sisters phone in temper.

Am sorry to hear you're unwell.

This

I would also ask your husband to tell her this is what is happening so she realises the decision comes from both of you.

Replaces the phone out of her own money and does not have hers until her sister has a new phone.

If cancelling the hair appointment covers the cost then do that. And make sure she knows why. I think I would be tempted to either take her phone away or lend it to the 13 year old until the replacement comes. So the 15 year old is the one who has to deal with not having a phone for a while.

A decision has been made - she has to replace the phone. The only discussion that needs to be had is the practicalities of how that will happen. DD will hate both of you for this - but she’ll get over it!

Yeah if that scenario happened my daughter would be paying for the broken item.
Looks like Christmas will be miserable this year for her

DD15 should be replacing the phone with one of similar value though. If you let her get away with paying less for it, where’s the consequence for her?
Cancelling a hair appointment isnt a consequence as shes not having to do anything herself. She needs to pay whatever money she currently has now, then when she gets more money pay that until the replacement costs have been met.
Personally, Id also hold off on the hair dyeing as she’s clearly not mature enough yet.

I agree with this.
I do think that your DD needs to understand that she needs to find the value of the broken phone, her DS shouldn't be having to replace for an item of lesser value because she smashed it up.

I think that she essentially needs to lose the €300, however she finds it.

I'd lose the cash she has access to,
The hair appointment,
Then the Christmas present money from relatives.

That'll hurt her, but €300 doesn't come easily, and maybe next time she will think of how much that one action of destroying someone else's belongings will cost her.

Very unfair.

dh was dealing with the situation therefore there was no need for mum to jump in.

dh deals with the situations he witnesses with our children and I do when I’m there. We don’t need to “gang up” on the children they should have respect for both parents ways of disciplining. If I bought what dh had said wasn’t right I would have a quite word after and see if there is a better way he could have resolved it and vice versa.

dd(15) should be handing over her phone for dd(13) to use until she can afford to replace dd(13)’s phone.

I wouldn’t push the punishment onto Christmas gifts.

I can assure you going through breast cancer was not nice for me.

Her child misbehaved on this occasion. This was a choice her DD made and not as a result of her parenting skills. Just a little madam having a moment. The OPs parenting skills will come into play in how she deals with it, which looks as though she may be asking her Dd1 to pay for the replacement which suggests her parenting skills are soit on for a misbehaving 15 year old. As an aside you are delightful with your continuous sniping attacks, and presumably the fact you think the behaviour is acceptable and belittling my children for being compassionate, supportive and well behaved at a time I was seriously ill says more about you.

Are you afraid of your daughter?

If she deliberately broke her sisters phone she replaces it, either by giving her own phone to her or contributing to a new one. What would your 15 year olds reaction be if it was the other way around?

The hair cut is cancelled and she pays what she can, she has to know the value of things. You then address the anger management.

I can’t think of any scenario where any of my children would have done anything near this and not expected consequences. Nor myself for that matter. Children have to learn resilience along with respect and responsibility.

Did you deliberately listen to it escalating to make a point to your husband What would have been different if you had been downstairs?

You have had 15 years to sort out parenting issues with your DH and the fact that you are happy to lay some of the blame on him for this and your reluctance to take a stance with your daughter makes me question whether your 15 year old is too difficult to handle and you are exhausted by constantly preventing her flaring up.

Fifteen year old absolutely pays. Even if that takes bite out of her Christmas presents. No delays - as quick as she has money available.

☝️this

Did you not read any of OPs updates? If you had then you would have known that she physically couldn't get out of bed due to having treatment for breast cancer which has left her physically and emotionally exhausted.
I am sure she wasn't just laying there to make a point.

OP why are you frightened of your Dd15?
She shouldn’t have broken her sisters phone deliberately. Your H has acted proportionally to her actions but you hiding in your bedroom isn’t ……
What else has she been doing

DD15 replaces phone, how else is she going to learn that you can’t just smash other peoples property when they annoy you / do something you do like?

she is 15 and knew exactly what the result of throwing the phone on the floor would do and also knows the cost of these things I am sure

your husband not following through is a different issue

Your husband sounds like he has dealt with this and laid down clear consequences that I think are fair. Your job here is to back him up.

Your husband is right! The phone needs to be replaced. Maybe she will have second thoughts about intentionally damaging a phone. If you replace it, she will think it's ok to blow up and do it again

Going on what you have said I would have taken the older teen phone and give it to her sister until has replaced phone- through money, loss of gifts.

Someone has to talk to her about her behaviour. She can't go around doing this, she is at an age where she could end up the wrong side of the law of she does this elsewhere.

Meanwhile, I hope you recover soon and the good days out number the rubbish ones. She doesn't hate you, she is angry and you are a safe target. Get dad to see if he can sort a little help for her. She sounds like she needs a place to vent.

OP has said she has breast cancer. Did you not read the rest of her posts or do you not think this is a good enough reason to be lying in bed?