Teenager smashed sisters phone

[Stress101]

Two teenagers 13 and 15, girls. 15 old smashed 13 year old phone this morning. I was in bed as I'm unwell and DH was downstairs with them. They usually get on well apart from the usual sister arguments. I'm always on top of it when it starts between them and put an end to it. DH however is partially deaf ,doesn't wear his hearing aid and so doesn't always intervene on time.

Anyway things escalated and phone is now smashed. DH said that DD15 has to replace the broken phone which means she won't get all of the Christmas presents she wants. She also has money from her Grandmother from doing well in her exams that DH has said she needs to hand this over too.

DD15 can get very angry and has blown up at me before. Prior to this DH has let her away with a lot. I stayed out of it upstairs as I knew DD15 would turn on me if I said anything.

What is the the right and fair thing to do.

Definitely sounds like it could be fixable so check that before replacing. Older DD should pay for repair / new phone and loose her phone until it’s sorted.
DH needs to step up and support you and follow through on consequences but it’s not his fault for not intervening in the first place she’s old enough to take responsibility for her behaviour and leave if she’s getting wound up.

I will have a word with the breast cancer I'm receiving treatment for. Thanks.

Firstly, I'm really sorry to hear that you have been so unwell - my best to you.

Re the phone situation; it's done now so no point in getting into huge arguments about it however, at 15, your DD is old enough to deal with consequences of damaging another person's property. Perhaps learning the lesson now will help her work on controlling her temper in future where the consequences could be even more costly.

I would say yes - she has to pay for replacing the phone. How you organise it is something to discuss. I would have a calm conversation with her along the lines of "I get that you were angry, and we all have times when we have reacted badly to situations, however, it's not okay to have broken your sister's phone. I'm not going to scream and shout about it - but you DO have to replace it" - then figure it out.

You say your younger DD is happy with a cheaper phone - is she really or is she just accepting it as a poor alternative?

If she would prefer the quality of phone she had, then either a) you buy a new one now and come to an agreement with her sister as to how she will repay the cost or b) if your older DD has the kind of phone that you would need to buy - she has to sacrifice it to her sister and she gets the cheaper phone while she saves up for a new phone for herself.

If your younger DD genuinely is happy with the cheaper phone, then by all means get it but I would say that your older DD has to repay the cost of it plus a bit extra as compensation to your younger DD. Whether that is handing over money now or paying it off in instalments over an agreed period is up to you but stick to it.

As an aside - does your house contents insurance cover phone breakage? Many of them do these days - if so, you could get a new phone for your younger DD and have your older DD pay the excess - which would be a reasonable compromise.

I would consider what are feasible options here - then present 2 or 3 choices to your older DD and she chooses one. It holds her responsible - she has consequences, but having her choose also makes her think about it more and potentially opens up a dialogue about why she feels her choice is appropriate etc...

@Stress101 sending a hug. Treatment for cancer is shit. Your husband needs to deal it. Yes morally I would get older daughter to wipe her phone and hand it over. Would I do it? Nope. Not in your situation.
I would buy the phone younger daughter has seen and cancel the hair.
And maybe think about counselling for girls? Mine did some through young carers albeit reluctantly and it helped.

Oh fuck of. I'm not hiding. I'm receiving treatment for breast cancer.

Do they both have same phone ?
if so, take elders phone and switch sims so younger gets a working phone back
take elders SIM card and say you will buy her the cheapest most basic phone for emergencies. leave it a week or so , so she knows how bloody inconvenient it is. And if she wants anything better she’ll have to pay for it. Seriously get her cheapest phone. Ideally not even smart phone. Don’t discuss it with her, leave it to her to sort it out. She can put Xmas money towards it.

i did this with both my DS. When they were in late teens and lost/broke their own phones. Only way to teach them that phones are bloody expensive and a pain to not have.

if phones aren’t the same. I’d still take elders phone and give it to younger one anyway. But may be more complicated.

reset it all back to factory settings, while you’re at it. Make sure elders files photos are backed up to cloud first- don’t make it unnecessarily cruel.

If this isn’t possible. Take your elder daughter’s phone away. Replace it with most basic cheap model and her SIM. Sell it if possible or donate. Buy younger her new phone asap. Tell elder daughter that she is now responsible for buying her own phone, if she wants anything better as she can’t be trusted with expensive stuff you pay for. Agian up to her if she then spends her own xmas money on upgrade. But agian leave he4cwithout even a basic phone for at least a couple of weeks.

I know this will cost more. But punitive removal of x,as presents isn’t the best way to go. Much better if she looses her OWN phone effectively, and has it replaced with an very basic emergency one, then up to her entirely what she does and uses Xmas money for.

while your at it, I’d also be looking to include a monthly amount to cover all phone costs in her monthly allowance, that she is responsible for, at the very earliest age you can these days. That way you don’t get sucked into replacing broken and lost phones all the time. Makes them take much better care

This ^^

I actually think it's really unfair your husband is choosing not to put his hearing aids in. So he is choosing to be unavailable to hear if there is a camotion.
Granted I have absolutely no idea what is it like to be deaf/ wear hearing aids but if I was the on call parent if you like because the other is in bed sick. I would be doing everything to make sure I am able to be a physically involved as I can.
You must always be the default parent (I really am too in my home) and it's deeply draining.

I feel sorry for the OP who probably can't take just one day to be unwell and rest without drama.

I hope you feel better OP.

Seriously that's your take? I would say DD1 aged 15 is even more of a brat behaving like this to her sister when her mother is seriously ill.

She pays to get the phone fixed immediately and then she gets hers taken away - I would suggest 14 days

Gosh I am so sorry for the unhelpful/awful replies from some of the posters @Stress101 . Absolutely let your DH deal with it.

Some people have forgotten what it's like to be a teenager and one with a sick mum too - must be hard for her

DD15 needs to pay to replace it

Perhaps because that's because you have limited imagination? Stress doesn't turn us all into Pollyanna.

I voted YABU, your DH is right the one who smashed the phone has to pay for the replacement.

I agree with the posters that thinks she needs to pay for the phone. I think she needs to understand that consequences of not smashing - you do not want it to be a habit.

Maybe your children are just more unpleasant than other people's if you think a teenager smashing her sisters phone and being a PITA when their mum is ill is normal.

I have been through the same and fortunately for me my kids were nothing but supportive and didn't turn into little monsters smashing up each other's stuff.

The phone is repaired or replaced at cost to DD. Until it is done she loses her own phone. Her sister is now unable to use hers so she loses hers too. It's only fair.
While life can be hard you can't go round smashing other peoples things up just because you feel cross or upset. There's no need for prolonged arguments or punishments, but replacing the phone is the right thing to do. Younger DD is also coping with her mums illness.

This is a silly comment as people do not always wear the hearing aid all the time. He could have literally just got up.

The OP literally said in her first post he doesn't wear it.

The child is upset. She is 15 and not emotionally equipped to deal with a mother who has cancer. She's acting out.

Does not mean she should not be punished.

The suggestion of someone else to swap out the sim card and the 15dd buys a new phone seems the perfect solution.

Definitely cancel the hair appointment and take some of the cash she gets from Christmas. I'd take £30 because she can visibly see the consequence as well just not getting something if that makes sense?

Hope you feel (relatively) better soon OP and imo you right to stay upstairs, your dh was dealing with it but it is important to see the punishment through.

As I said despite being through the same my children did not feel the need to misbehave in a similar fashion. I despair that people think this is acceptable.