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AIBU?

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Original poster

Teenager smashed sisters phone

227 replies

Stress101 · 25/11/2023 13:09

Two teenagers 13 and 15, girls. 15 old smashed 13 year old phone this morning. I was in bed as I'm unwell and DH was downstairs with them. They usually get on well apart from the usual sister arguments. I'm always on top of it when it starts between them and put an end to it. DH however is partially deaf ,doesn't wear his hearing aid and so doesn't always intervene on time.

Anyway things escalated and phone is now smashed. DH said that DD15 has to replace the broken phone which means she won't get all of the Christmas presents she wants. She also has money from her Grandmother from doing well in her exams that DH has said she needs to hand this over too.

DD15 can get very angry and has blown up at me before. Prior to this DH has let her away with a lot. I stayed out of it upstairs as I knew DD15 would turn on me if I said anything.

What is the the right and fair thing to do.

OP posts:
Coffeeandchristmascake · 25/11/2023 14:45

Your DH is right plus I would also take her phone off her for a week or at least until your other daughter's replacement phone arrives and suggest she works on calming herself down. Completely unacceptable behaviour and you shouldn't make light of it.

Original poster
Stress101 · 25/11/2023 14:45

Thanks for all the advice. As I said my head is just all over the place at the minute.

OP posts:
Knackeredandalsotired · 25/11/2023 14:47

Not really the point, but please do check it’s not just the screen. My DS has twice broken his screen which also caused the phone to look like it wasn’t switching on. £50 each time. I can’t say I was pleased but it’s a lot better than the cost of a whole new one.

either way, DD15 should pay for it

Amy8 · 25/11/2023 14:52

Ohhhh ou h!
I've been that she

Hormones !

Can she beg and plead and grovel to sis and make it up to her by asking what she wants /
Needs

I bet she just wants her sis to be kind and treat her

Yoyoban · 25/11/2023 14:55

Zoreos · 25/11/2023 14:36

I don’t think anywhere in my comment I remotely said anything of the kind. 13 year olds are annoying and that behaviour also needs dealing with but the OP asked specifically with regards to her older DD and the incident at hand. In three years time or less she will be an adult and needs to learn that throughout life people annoy you and you need to deal with it properly. Blackmail and criminal damage are crimes which will land her in prison. The 13 year old is unlikely to become a weirdo stalker who harasses people. She’s just being 13. I’m not saying that the 13 shouldn’t be dealt with appropriately but that’s not an appropriate reaction. The 15 year olds response and severity of her actions were not justifiable to her being annoyed or “harassed” as you so dramatically put it. There is quite a stark difference emotionally between being 13 and 15. I cannot believe you’re being so obtuse. People like you are the reasons why we have issues with antisocial behaviour from young adults. This sort of behaviour cannot be excused. You cannot smash up someone’s property every time someone’s pisses you off in life. What kind of message are we trying to send our children here? This isn’t a case of she’s been annoying her so she called her a bitch. She deliberate smashed an extremely expensive piece of property that didn’t belong to her in a fit of rage. This was AFTER trying to text her friends to abuse or embarrass her. This is manipulative and spiteful behaviour. Not the same thing by a long shot. I wouldn’t expect that from my 13 year old let alone a 15 year old.

Show quote history

Harassment and emotional abuse are also crimes.

You said the younger dd should get a phone of her choice + cash to spend as she chooses to make up the difference in value. If that's not rewarding her for her behaviour I don't know what is.

What would you say if the siblings were 11 and 13? Would the 13 year old be absolved responsibility for her actions because she's not yet 15?

They are both above the age of criminal responsibility and as an older sibling to two younger step siblings who regularly fought I can tell you you do neither child any favours by always holding the older one more responsible.

skyeisthelimit · 25/11/2023 14:56

You need to give the DD15's phone to the DD13. DD15 needs to learn the consequences of her actions. She needs to be the one without a phone, not her sister.

See if you can get the screen repaired and if so then DD15 pays for it. If not then she can then use any money she has to buy DD13 a new phone. You can get cheap refurbished ones online. I use ioutlet.

It's not your DH's fault that he didn't intervene in time, DD15 needs to learn that you can't behave like this.

ScattieHattie1 · 25/11/2023 14:56

What your DH has said, perfectly reasonable punishment for being a brat.

notthesamename · 25/11/2023 14:57

Given your health update and the fact your 15 year old is having a tough time with friends at school etc (edited to clarify), I’d keep her hair appointment but take the cash she has to pay toward the phone replacement. I’d also look at getting support in place, perhaps via the school*, to help her manage her feelings - being a teenager is tough enough without the impact of parental illness. Your other child would likely benefit from this too.

I faced this as a teen with no support but helped mine through similar. Sending best wishes for your recovery.

*young carers provides this service in some areas

StaunchMomma · 25/11/2023 14:57

Can it be mended?

Either way, DD15 shouldn't have her phone right now.

Kids only learn the value of things when they lose them, unfortunately.

AliceOlive · 25/11/2023 14:57

I think she needs her own phone removed at least until her sister’s phone is replaced. Perhaps hair appointment canceled and to pay as much of the cost of the new phone as she has in savings. I wouldn’t take her Christmas presents back or use the additional money she receives.

Ask her what she thinks is fair.

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 25/11/2023 14:59

DH should handle it. If she comes to you say ‘your dad has decided you’re paying for a new phone so you have to,’

Debinaround · 25/11/2023 14:59

So sorry you're unwell @Stress101

I would keep out if it as much as you can now. Your husband has said what's going to happen so let him follow through with it. If your youngest is happy with a cheaper phone then you could mention that the hair appointment being cancelled would cover it but honestly, I would just leave it up to him.

If your daughters come to you for a moan just tell them to see dad, he's dealing with it. Just let them work it out between themselves. You have cancer, you don't need this stress. Let DH take the lead on this one.

McConkeysPlate · 25/11/2023 15:03

Give 13 15s phone

Cherrysoup · 25/11/2023 15:05

Man, there’s some real vipers on here today. Give the OP a break, she evidently carries the mental load/discipline 100%, why shouldn’t the dad step up for a change? She needs to source/buy a new phone and yes, cancel the hair appointment. How else is she supposed to learn that actions have consequences? Disney dad should be enforcing this.

YouJustDoYou · 25/11/2023 15:07

What are the real-world consequences? Because that's what she needs to learn, now she's almost "adult age". She replaces the phone at her expense.

MeMySonAnd1 · 25/11/2023 15:07

A 15 year old should know by now that actions have consequences so she should pay for the phone to be repaired or replaced.

You also need to have a word with yourself, you cannot go and sit in another room while your DD is behaving so awfully. Who is protecting younger sibling? How you presenting a united front with your husband? No wonder she thinks is ok to behave that bad.

LizzBurg · 25/11/2023 15:08

DD15 can get very angry and has blown up at me before. Prior to this DH has let her away with a lot. I stayed out of it upstairs as I knew DD15 would turn on me if I said anything.

Sounds like DD15 rules the roost. You’ve hidden upstairs rather than deal with her and yet you blame DH for letting her get away with a lot. Both of you are letting her get away with a lot. Take her phone off of her until her sister’s phone is replaced.

Touchwood2654 · 25/11/2023 15:10

90% sure it's probably just the screen £35 at one of those little kiosks on the High Street.
Main issue however is that you need to trust hubby to handle ALL of it. Incident happened during his watch. DD15 is going through puberty, it's normal for her to hate one of you. It will pass. DH probably not normally the disciplinarian so he curry's favour.
As women we need to step back from micro managing the situation. We can't have it both ways.

Let DH deal with it and DO NOT GET INVOLVED. Whatever happens.

If we want partners to pull their weight in terms of doing the hard stuff with kids we need to let them do it their way, even when we can see that they are a bit cack handed at it.
Reverse the learned helplessness. Otherwise it's a permanent rod for your own back.
Both DD are adolescents and know right from wrong I'm sure.
Good luck staying hands off, it's hard but worth it.

Coyoacan · 25/11/2023 15:10

I'm unwell as I'm receiving treatment for breast cancer

I think this is relevant information about your daughters. So dd15 is not just a spoilt little brat but actually a child living with the worry about her mother's illness.

I hope you make a complete recovery, OP, like all my friends who have had breast cancer over the last twenty years have managed to make.

LickleLamb · 25/11/2023 15:10

I would step back and let DH sort it - he might remember his hearing aid in future.
If you get involved you will be the bad guy enforcing the punishment. Let DH do it - let him let her away with it if he must but remind him at the start that you are leaving him to it.

YouJustDoYou · 25/11/2023 15:10

And you need to stop hiding.

billy1966 · 25/11/2023 15:11

Stress101 · 25/11/2023 14:45

Thanks for all the advice. As I said my head is just all over the place at the minute.

.error

billy1966 · 25/11/2023 15:12

Stress101 · 25/11/2023 14:45

Thanks for all the advice. As I said my head is just all over the place at the minute.

I'm so sorry to read how seriously ill you are.

Cancer treatment takes it all out of you.

Close the door and don't get involved.

You really need to mind yourself.

Your husband really needs to sort this while you really need to focus on your recovery.

Getting stressed, angry, and upset inhibits your immune system and recovery.

Your husband seriously needs to tell b

oth of them, but in particular the 15 year old to cop herself on, with her mum so unwell and trying to rest.

You poor pet.

LakieLady · 25/11/2023 15:13

3Tunes · 25/11/2023 14:00

Dd1 needs to wipe her phone and hand it over to dd2 (assuming they work like iPhones). Then she can buy herself whatever phone she can afford.

Dd2 should not go days without a phone because her older sister lost her temper. And dd1 can’t say this is unfair - she broke a phone that wasn’t hers. She’s replaced it. Now she has a choice what to do, no-one is making her spend present money on a new phone.

Edited

This.

DD1 broke her sister's phone and needs to replace it. The only way she can do that is with her own phone.

DD2 can work out how she is going to replace the phone that was hers.

Farmageddon · 25/11/2023 15:16

OP maybe you need to sit down with your husband and let him know that he needs to be the enforcer on this - he can't play the favourite parent all the time. Tell him he needs to follow through with his idea for a punishment, even if it means your 15 year old hates him. This is a chance for him to step up and you can let go a bit and try to recover. He can be the bad guy for once.