Teenager smashed sisters phone

[Stress101]

Two teenagers 13 and 15, girls. 15 old smashed 13 year old phone this morning. I was in bed as I'm unwell and DH was downstairs with them. They usually get on well apart from the usual sister arguments. I'm always on top of it when it starts between them and put an end to it. DH however is partially deaf ,doesn't wear his hearing aid and so doesn't always intervene on time.

Anyway things escalated and phone is now smashed. DH said that DD15 has to replace the broken phone which means she won't get all of the Christmas presents she wants. She also has money from her Grandmother from doing well in her exams that DH has said she needs to hand this over too.

DD15 can get very angry and has blown up at me before. Prior to this DH has let her away with a lot. I stayed out of it upstairs as I knew DD15 would turn on me if I said anything.

What is the the right and fair thing to do.

I'm quite unwell otherwise I'm very hands on and tbh I wanted to see how DH would deal with it. She's fine in school, never any issues with behaviour. She has had some problems with girls in her class this week (frenemies) and one of them was particularly rude to her yesterday and she came home in a rotten mood.

So why have you got involved. What was his proposed solution ? It feels like you are testing him but then wondering whether to undermine his decision.

Hair appointment cancelled at the very least.

If DD13 is happy with the €125 phone then the hair appointment pays for that.

Do you have other young dc at home? You and dh need to be on same page about this so they don't think her behaviour is OK or there's no consequences.
What was she planning on texting to dd13s friends from her phone? Abuse? Something embarrassing?
That on its own is worth a punishment.

Didnt deliberately break it? She threw it on the floor. What did she expect to happen? This is absolutely vicious and manipulative behaviour from a 15 year old. She is not 5 years old and if she were mine would be feeling the full weight of the consequences of her behaviour. First she tried to threaten to text her friends which is emotionally manipulative and controlling but secondly she purposely went out of her way to break her phone. If she’s allowed to get away with this, imagine what other things she will do to control and bully her sister and future friends or partners. I grew up with sisters. This isn’t a normal sisterly argument, this is deeply concerning. OP, your eldest needs putting in her place big time. Whether or not she hates you is irrelevant she lives under your roof so must be taught to respect you and your rules. She is your daughter, not your friend. Your other DD may have found a cheaper phone but it’s still less half of the total cost of her original phone. I’d make her stump up for the full 300 euro. She can buy the other phone but your younger DD can use the other money where she pleases. I’d also take her phone for a week and honestly would threatened to divorce my husband if he kept undermining my parenting and allowing you to take the flack. Your elder DD will soon learn what happens when you vandalise peoples stuff and emotionally blackmail people. Shockingly spiteful. She is 15 and if you don’t stamp this behaviour out she will be 18, an adult doing exactly the same things.

What was the younger dd doing to wind up the older dd? Was it deliberate? Who started the argument? (Who normally starts it when you're present?)

The response should depend on all of these things. If the younger dd started it and was deliberately winding up the older dd I'd say they should split the cost of the replacement. Both of them need to understand there are consequences to their behaviour

She was due to have her hair coloured for the first time as part of her Christmas present which would cost 140 euro.Ive already ordered two other gifts

Just seen this ... if it's you who was going to pay for the appointment then your problems are solved (apart from the inevitable whining and stropping).
DD2 gets her 125 Euro replacement phone and DD1 still receives some Christmas presents as well as learning an important lesson

What's not to like?

Is DD13 accepting a cheaper phone to save any further arguments?
I don't think cancelling the hair spot is enough as it's not like she had to work to pay back the money if that makes sense. She hasn't had her hair done so I although she is losing out she's not doing anything tangible towards rectifying the situation.
The fact she is fine at school makes it worse as she does know how to behave, she just chose not to.
What are her plans to resolve the issue?

I really do think that the fact you need to ask a bunch of strangers about this problem is part of the issue.

What phones do they both have?

Whilst the younger one might be happy with a "lesser" phone-why should she?

Perhaps the younger daughter should now have her sister's phone & her sister buys herself the "lesser" one?

Whereas you want the younger one to learn it's ok to harass someone until they snap because you'll get rewarded with a new phone and no consequences?

I honestly don’t think it matters whether dd1 meant to break the phone, or whether dd2 was winding her up.

At 15, she should have the self control not to throw things. The punishment is for her action, which was her own choice. She could have walked away.

And dd2 shouldn’t have to put up with a cheap replacement just to keep the peace with dd1.

Yes, the 15 year old should replace her sister's phone. It sounds as if your DH is being a better disciplinarian than usual so back him up. But make it obvious that you are supporting his decision. "Your dad said....." Cancelling the hair appointment might be the best way so that it's over and done with and no need to stop all Christmas presents (don't backtrack though).

@Stress101
Not sure what you're questioning-your dp has handled this very well IMHO. How would you have done it differently?

DH is right. She is over the age of criminal responsibility so if she behaved like this with anyone else she'd find herself in court being ordered to pay costs. Time she experienced some consequences and grew up a bit. Toddlers break things, not teenagers.

Sounds like things are very difficult OP and you carry a heavy load.

I think you need to start with your husband.

Her behaviour is not acceptable.

I am so sorry to read that your earlier years have been so very hard.

It is very important that no one child and their poor behaviour, dominates the house.

That hair appointment would not be happening and she would be without her phone for a period.

Your 13 year olds phone needs to be replaced for like, not any phone to simply keep the peace.

Mind yourself.
If you are feeling very unwell I can imagine dealing with a very difficult 15 year old would be beyond you.

Intentional vandalism at 15 is a hard no. Ask her how she proposes paying for the new phone ASAP, let her decide what she’s going to sacrifice.

You back your DH up

she broke the phone deliberately so she pays for a new one. And until she does I would be taking her phone away

I'd make her work chores until she had paid for the cost of it.

Coward? OK. I'm unwell as I'm receiving treatment for breast cancer. Kick me while I'm down 👏 I'm sorry I "hid" upstairs but I physically could not get out of bed. My head is all over the place and that's why I've asked for advice.

I don’t think anywhere in my comment I remotely said anything of the kind. 13 year olds are annoying and that behaviour also needs dealing with but the OP asked specifically with regards to her older DD and the incident at hand. In three years time or less she will be an adult and needs to learn that throughout life people annoy you and you need to deal with it properly. Blackmail and criminal damage are crimes which will land her in prison. The 13 year old is unlikely to become a weirdo stalker who harasses people. She’s just being 13. I’m not saying that the 13 shouldn’t be dealt with appropriately but that’s not an appropriate reaction. The 15 year olds response and severity of her actions were not justifiable to her being annoyed or “harassed” as you so dramatically put it. There is quite a stark difference emotionally between being 13 and 15. I cannot believe you’re being so obtuse. People like you are the reasons why we have issues with antisocial behaviour from young adults. This sort of behaviour cannot be excused. You cannot smash up someone’s property every time someone’s pisses you off in life. What kind of message are we trying to send our children here? This isn’t a case of she’s been annoying her so she called her a bitch. She deliberate smashed an extremely expensive piece of property that didn’t belong to her in a fit of rage. This was AFTER trying to text her friends to abuse or embarrass her. This is manipulative and spiteful behaviour. Not the same thing by a long shot. I wouldn’t expect that from my 13 year old let alone a 15 year old.

Give the 13 year old the 15 year olds phone. Tell the 15 year old she can have it back once she buys a replacement for her sister.

That way she has time to save up the money, and her sister wont go without in the mean time.

15 year old has to give her phone to 13 year old until 15 year old has saved up enough money to replace it.

Then she fucking well pays for it. If my H showed even the merest hint of reneging on the discipline he’s threatened, I’d be threatening him with divorce.

Sorry your unwell OP.

Another vote for the girls swapping sims.

Why should your 13 year old be without a phone. The 15 year old will be able to choose between her hair appointment and Christmas gifts or putting it towards a phone.