Teenager smashed sisters phone

[Stress101]

Two teenagers 13 and 15, girls. 15 old smashed 13 year old phone this morning. I was in bed as I'm unwell and DH was downstairs with them. They usually get on well apart from the usual sister arguments. I'm always on top of it when it starts between them and put an end to it. DH however is partially deaf ,doesn't wear his hearing aid and so doesn't always intervene on time.

Anyway things escalated and phone is now smashed. DH said that DD15 has to replace the broken phone which means she won't get all of the Christmas presents she wants. She also has money from her Grandmother from doing well in her exams that DH has said she needs to hand this over too.

DD15 can get very angry and has blown up at me before. Prior to this DH has let her away with a lot. I stayed out of it upstairs as I knew DD15 would turn on me if I said anything.

What is the the right and fair thing to do.

Too right I will, if he is weak and ineffective and leaves his wife to be bad cop all the time, because it makes HIS life easier.

Parenting is exhausting.
Being the bad cop in the house IS exhausting.

My husband has tried to do it on occasion and it has been our sole bone of contention in 30 years of marriage.

Far too many men do this in MY opinion and it is most annoying!

Children need to see that both parents will back each other up.

My husband has needed reminding of this on occasion...and I have!

Excellent suggestion👏

yep. DD15 replaces.

I agree!

So DD13 has seen a phone for 125 euro which she is happy to get. Is cancelling the hair appointment enough of a punishment for DD15.

So she didn't deliberately break it I.e she didn't take a hammer to it. They were winding each other up and the older one chucked it and it broke in a moment of madness. She 15 not 50 I can totally see how it has happened. I wouldn't take her Christmas money off her, I would get the phone fixed out of your pocket as your the parent.

DD 15 then get a normal punishment for her mistake so chores plus maybe a week grounding.

I've dropped my phone before drunk, it broke so I got it fixed. That was as stupid as your DD but it was a hour long punishment not months for one mistake.

Can the phone be fixed? Check this first.

Sounds like your dd needs anger management- even my 8 year old knows not to throw tech stuff.

I am more concerned that you are hiding upstairs avoiding the issue because you are 'scared your daughter will hate you more than she already does'.
Why do you think she hates you?
Of course DD15 needs to replace the phone she smashed, ideally her own phone needs to be given to DD13 then she can work to get herself a phone to replace it. It is a good way of doing things then DD13 gets an instant replacement and DD15 gets to feel the consequences of her actions.
I don't avoid disciplining my children out of fear of their reactions.

Talk to her. Ask what she thinks os a reasonable solution. In my experience, teenagers always come up with much worse punishments than the parents!

15 is far too old for this type of behaviour and if things are so bad you’re hiding upstairs from her temper, this has got very serious.

I would
a. Take away the 15 yr old’s phone and cancel her contract. Revisit the situation in 3 months IF she has behaved well.
b. Replace the 13 yr old’s phone and deduct the cost of that from any money the 15 yr old has or has coming.
c. Put the 15 yr old in therapy. Why does she think that criminal damage is a good choice? Why has she no self control?

She needs to use that money to pay for the phone.

50
140
100

That leaves her 10 short of the 300 she needs which I’m sure she will find by doing chores for you.

It will be a valuable lesson for her, I ran up a £400 phone bill (texts to a girl…mostly 😂) when I was that age and had to pay off every penny to my very very pissed off dad. It took me 6 months and I had to budget for the first time in my life but it was a good lesson to learn.

Why are you asking a bunch of strangers if cancelling her hair appointment is enough punishment?

I wasn't hiding. I'm quite unwell at the moment and tbh I not mentally or physically in a place to deal with her. I've been the sole disciplinarian for all our children. I'm a SAHM and DH has always worked long hours. They get the Disney Dad that brings them to the cinema, brings sweets home, plays board games with them while I carry the heavy load. I had a day of this morning that is all. DD15 has always been closer to her Dad for various reasons. I can't say anything to her without her arguing with me.

Can you take the sim from DD13’s phone and put it in her sister’s so DD2 doesn’t miss having a phone? Then DD1 works to pay for a new phone for DD2 and gets her phone back once DD2 has one?

This, I think, would be natural justice.

Dd1 needs to wipe her phone and hand it over to dd2 (assuming they work like iPhones). Then she can buy herself whatever phone she can afford.

Dd2 should not go days without a phone because her older sister lost her temper. And dd1 can’t say this is unfair - she broke a phone that wasn’t hers. She’s replaced it. Now she has a choice what to do, no-one is making her spend present money on a new phone.

Because its an advice forum. She's my oldest child and never experienced this before. Nothing my parents are dead, died young so I've nobody else to ask. I was abandoned at 11 by my mother so didn't have a role model. Basically trying my best with my own kids.

Well firstly, DD1 would be losing her phone until DD2 gets a replacement/fix.

Secondly, I'd sit everyone down and ask DD1 why she thought that was appropriate behaviour and how she intends to rectify the situation.

I'd then sit the husband down and tell him to bloody grow up and parent!!!!

Can you give 13 Yr old her sister's phone and exchange the sim? I haven't read all the thread so this might have been suggested.

Off course you make her pay for it. Who does she think she is behaving like a vile bully. Boo-hoo she won't get her Christmas presents. She deserves it, you will only condone her behaviour if she doesn't face serious consequences.

The right and fair thing to do is to inconvenience the child that broke the phone so they won’t do it again. You either take their phone and replace the SIM and give it to the other child or financially inconvenience the child who broke the phone.

Thete are a million and one other things the child could have done aside from breaking the phone when angry. They been to realise that level of physicality is absolutely inappropriate and unacceptable.

Sounds like you've got problems way beyond just the phone, but yes - since DD1 broke it maliciously it's obviously up to her to make good, and if it can be done for 125 Euros that's not too much of a penalty

Good luck imposing it though, becausse it doesn't sound as if you have any backing at all

This is a good suggestion. Teens can be pretty hard on themselves. My feeling is that it is ok. She made a mistake. She’s still learning. But no lifts, treats or seeing friends this weekend.

As for the phone, give your 13 yo the choice. Does she want this phone or her sister’s phone.

Chances are it’s just a broken screen, should be significantly cheaper to repair than replace. Get it a once over by a good local phone repair shop before buying a replacement.

Yes I think at 15 she should suffer the consequence of her actions. It sounds like your dh has stepped up, back him up on this and be a united front....even if he normally isn't.